The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video presents Inside the Steel Cage

The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video presents Inside the Steel Cage

This is one I’ve wanted to redo for a while now. The concept is pretty easy to grasp, I’m assuming.

ALL CAGE MATCHES, ALL THE TIME. It’s like Dusty Rhodes booking a Coliseum Video.

Hosted by Gorilla Monsoon & Johnny V

Big John Studd v. Andre the Giant

We’re in Landover, 07.23.83. Joined in progress with Andre ramming Studd into the cage and smashing him with headbutts until Studd is busted open. Andre continues running him into the cage, but Studd gets a cheapshot to escape. Studd tries for a slam and Andre puts him down with a kneelift, but he tries a falling headbutt and Studd moves and crawls for the door. Andre cuts that off and they scrap on the mat, choking each other out until Studd crawls for the door again, but Andre yanks him back in. Andre has just had enough of this jerk and runs him into the cage again after demanding that he stands up, so Studd goes low and goes for the door again. They slug it out and Studd clotheslines him into the ropes, but he stupidly charges and runs into Andre’s big boot. And then Andre adds a bodyslam to make a quick 10K, and then he goes TO THE TOP ROPE and comes off with a flying butt splash onto Studd, and he’s DEAD. Andre walks out the door at 10:00 like a boss and they presumably scrape the remains of Studd off the mat with a spatula later on. ***

Kamala v. Andre the Giant

Off to Toronto, 10.21.84, and we’re joined with Andre beating on Kamala with forearms and chops. And Andre slams him, as Kamala is left twitching, and Andre sits on him with the butt splash and then goes up to the top rope and flattens him with another butt splash. And Andre walks out at 1:55 shown. Not enough shown to really rate.

Intercontinental title: Magnificent Muraco v. Jimmy Snuka

You may have heard of this one before, from MSG 10.17.83. Joined with Snuka ramming Muraco into the cage to make a comeback before putting him down with a chop to bust him open. Snuka goes up with a fistdrop and hits him with headbutts, which causes Muraco to go flying through the door and out to the floor at 2:25 shown. But of course the famous part comes after, as Snuka hauls him back into the cage for more punishment, beating him down and then delivering a Superfly splash from the top of the cage. And of course, a young Mick Foley at ringside got very inspired by that.

Tito Santana & Bruno Sammartino v. Adrian Adonis & Randy Savage

From MSG, 07.12.86, and it’s mayhem right away with everyone brawling. Bruno puts the boots to Savage before he can even get his robe off and chokes him out in the corner. I love that Bruno is a legendary good guy but he had no problem doing whatever was needed when put in a cage match. Unlike Hogan, who would just cheat freely at all times whether or not it was warranted. Really Bruno is one of the only guys who could out-macho the Macho Man. Savage manages to escape his ass-kicking and attacks Tito from behind, laying him out and climbing the cage, but Bruno prevents that. And then the door is open and Adonis dives for that, but Tito cuts him off. Bruno runs Savage into the cage and just keeps kicking him in the head, hopefully calling him a PIECE OF SHLIME, and then hands Savage in the Tree of Woe and continues stomping him. Adonis tries to climb and Bruno is amused, following him up and yanking him down to crotch him repeatedly. Savage javelins Tito into the cage to take over and follows with a double axehandle to put him down and bust him open. Adrian keeps running him into the cage to draw more blood, so Bruno rescues his partner and unloads on Adonis, running him into the corner while Tito makes a comeback on Macho. Adonis crawls for the door and Bruno hauls him back in while Adrian pulls the top step off in desperation but can’t bring it in. Tito busts Savage open with the cage and Macho hits the gusher, while Adonis goes up and dives onto Bruno and misses. Bruno comes back again and beats on Adonis while Tito fights with Savage on top of the cage. And Savage takes a spectacular bump onto Adonis, allowing Bruno to walk out and Tito to come over the top at the same time and win at 10:00. This was FANTASTIC action and I don’t know if I’ve mentioned lately but I love Bruno Sammartino. ****1/4

Intercontinental title: Greg Valentine v. Tito Santana

Another famous one, from Baltimore 07.06.85. Joined with Valentine running Tito into the cage and going for the door, but Tito grabs the foot and keeps him in the ring. Tito slugs back but collapses, so Greg tries the figure-four and Tito kicks him into the cage. Tito climbs out, kicks the door back in Greg’s face, and falls out to regain the title at 2:45 aired. And then Greg smashes up the title belt, which set up the creation of the most famous version of the title that was introduced soon after.

WWWF World title: Bruno Sammartino v. George Steele

No date for this one but it seems like 1970 is a good guess given they had a cage match in Philly on 07.25.70 and the announcers mention the city later in the match. Joined with Bruno hauling George off the cage and slamming him before hitting him with some boots. George goes low and we’re clipped to Steele pulling off the turnbuckle and hitting Bruno with a foreign object before raking the eyes repeatedly. George puts the boots to Bruno in the corner, but Bruno makes the comeback and beats the crap out of him, whipping him into the corner and running him into the cage. And Bruno opens the door and walks out at 6:00 aired.

Bruno Sammartino v. Rowdy Roddy Piper

From Boston, 02.08.86. That date is of course notable because Randy Savage won the IC title earlier in the show, but this was the main event. Roddy notably puts up posters of the Chicago Bears in order to anger the crowd. So Bruno goes right to walloping him, running him into the cage repeatedly and knocking the posters down. Piper is already bleeding and Bruno shoves the poster down his tights and pulls Piper’s shirt off before choking him out with it. Piper is bleeding all over and Bruno just rams his head into the mat repeatedly and spits on him before walking to the door. Piper goes to the nuts to stop that and they slug it out on the mat until Piper goes for the door and Bruno tackles him. Piper crawls again and Bruno yanks the tights down, leaving Roddy’s pasty white ass hanging out, and Bruno makes the comeback and runs him into the cage. Roddy puts him down again and bites on Bruno’s cut before climbing the cage. So Bruno returns the low blow from earlier and Piper does an epic Three Stooges sell of that, allowing Bruno to crawl out the door and grab a chair on the way out, hitting Piper in the face before landing on the floor to win at 8:40. Tremendous violent fun here and Bruno continues to rule even in 1986. ***1/4

WWF World title: Bob Backlund v. Pat Patterson

From MSG, 09.24.79. They slug it out and Bob immediately goes for the cage, but Pat takes him down and tries for the door, only for Bob to haul him back in by the leg. Pat escapes from Bob again and goes for the door, but Bob yanks him back in and he also dives for it, as Patterson has to save that. They fight to the top of the cage and Bob crotches him to keep him in the ring, and then hits him with elbows before falling back to the ring. So Pat pops up and tries to go over the top again, but Bob stops him again and slugs away on him while holding onto the leg to keep him in. So Pat goes low and Bob bumps to the mat, now busted open, and Patterson beats him down to work on the cut and they collide for a double down. So they both sprint for the cage and climb, but Bob is going faster so Pat runs over and hauls him down again. So they slug it out again and Bob catapults him into the cage and then runs him into it to bust him open further before dropping fists on him. Pat tries to escape again, but Bob brings him down with the atomic drop and makes the climb. So Pat finds brass knuckles and follows Bob up, but can’t gets a shot with the knuckles and Bob is able to put him down with elbows before bumping to the mat. And Bob calls for the door as they fight on the mat, and they slug it out until Bob falls back and lands on the floor at 13:30 to retain. This was EXCELLENT and totally unlike most Bob matches of the time. Patterson was a hell of a worker. ****1/2

WWF World title, cage match: Hulk Hogan v. King Kong Bundy

And of course we wrap it up with the finale of Wrestlemania 2, from Los Angeles 04.07.86. Joined in progress as Bundy rips off the rib tape and chokes him out with it, as Hogan finally gets a taste of his own medicine. So he ties Hogan to the ropes and goes to walk out, but I assume one of the refs helps Hulk out by untying him, allowing Hulk to rake the eyes and keep Bundy in there. Hulk fights back and slugs away before sending Bundy into the cage for an incredibly blatant blade from Bundy, literally right on camera while Bobby tries to hide it. So Hulk sends him into the cage for more abuse while Elvira is aghast at all the cheating from Hogan, just like all of us. Hulk tries the slam and falls backwards, but he uses the rib tape to choke out Bundy and save his title yet again. So Bundy hits him with the Avalanche and big splash, and Hulk won’t stay down so Bundy gives him another one. But Hulk no-sells it and powerslams Bundy, then hits the legdrop and goes over the top to retain the title. And of course, Hogan beats up poor Bobby Heenan, who literally did NOTHING WRONG here. A decent match, not really worthy of the Wrestlemania main event spot as far as heat or importance or anything. **

This was of course one of the greatest Coliseum Videos ever produced, with nothing but bangers outside of maybe 2 matches on it. But for me, I’ve got 2 Andre matches and 3 Bruno matches and that’s all I need.