Earthquake vs. The Warlord (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week I go absolutely all over the place, starting off with two requests. Thanks to Maffew, I got a clip of Earthquake vs. The Warlord… from Wrestle Association R in Japan! If Warlord gets three body-slams he wins! Watch as they both work pretty damn hard, since they’re in Japan. Next up is a FAT MAN STAND-OFF, as the future Yokozuna, The Great Kokina, decks out in his Samoan gear as he takes on a 400-lb. Haystacks Calhoun knock-off in Southern wrestler Solomon Grundy… in a baseball stadium in Puerto Rico!

Next up is Bret Hart’s “Fightingest Champion in WWF History” angle as he gives a title shot to VIRGIL! Can Virgil unseat the newly-crowned champion and become Heavyweight Champion of the World? READ ON! Then a Ring of Honor movespam match as the Young Bucks take on Future Shock (Adam Cole & Kyle O’Reilly) and the Bravado Brothers in a 3-way match! And finally, the PWI #500 of 2024, BLUE KANE (he’s like Kane, only he’s BLUE! And he has ICE POWERS!), facing Jerry Bakewell in 2023’s Lost Souls Wrestling

SUPER HEAVY WAR:
WARLORD WINS IF HE SLAMS EARTHQUAKE THRICE:
EARTHQUAKE vs. THE WARLORD:
(Wrestle Association R, 12/15/1993)
* Became Maffew is a hell of a mensch, when someone mentioned this match and I said I’d watched part of it but it’d since been lost on YouTube, he uploaded one for me! Both of these guys did a tour in Genichiro Tenryu’s promotion, which was kind of a mess (it was the “Generic Style Puro” with no real identity, mostly just having AJPW-style guys and whoever Tenryu could get from elsewhere- hence guys like this, Chris Jericho, Lance Storm, etc. Also Ultimo Dragon as probably the most notable native it produced. This is a funny one, as Warlord is combining gimmicks- he has his Powers of Pain facepaint but his “solo WWF run” gear. The rules for the match are somewhat unique- Earthquake must pin Warlord, but Warlord will win if he gets three bodyslams. The size of these two dudes is so immense that it almost diminishes both- you forget that Tenta’s a shoot 6’6″ or so because Warlord’s matching him and is BUILT.

Two giant 6’5″-6’6″ MONSTERS go at it in a freak fight for WAR!

Both do the “lock up but immediately fling their arms down” thing, staring one another down, then each tries a shoulderblock and can’t budge the other. After a second Warlord one, Quake stomps the mat and goes in, but Warlord TRICKED him, hitting a boot to the chest that drops Earthquake to the mat. The famously tactical mind of the Warlord strikes again! And he immediately follows up with Bodyslam #1 and this actually pops the crowd because of the stakes- he celebrates and immediately whips Quake off the ropes for a leaping clothesline followed by a legdrop (proving that no, Hogan’s is not the clunkiest, worst one- the critics lied!). But he attempts another whip and Earthquake reverses it, catching him with a dropkick (yes, actually)- one of his boots was at Warlord’s head-level! He uses his own slam, then a jumping stomp to the chest, proceeding to walk over Warlord like that in a way that really makes it clear to the fans that at least ONE point of the match he had his entire weight across Warlord for real. A snapmare & elbowdrop get our first two-count.

Earthquake slowly pounds away (Warlord is sucking wind HARD), but runs into a boot and a vertical suplex pops the fans- I love fat dudes getting suplexed. Bodyslam #2! Warlord revs up off the ropes and clotheslines Quake to the floor, but comes off the apron and Tenta CATCHES HIM, not budging an inch as the 320-lb. legit weight of Warlord (billed at 350-ish) lands in his arms. How freaking strong is Tenta to make that look so easy? He smashes Warlord into the post, but takes too long gearing up and slams into the post himself. Warlord waits him out in the ring but the fans are like “aah!” when Quake resists a third bodyslam. Avalanche! Powerslam! Monster elbowdrop! And Earthquake hits the Running Vertical Splash! For TWO! Quake, at a loss (and sucking wind himself) uses a bearhug to wear down and stop a “Wahhh-lorrd!” chant, and the ref drops the arm… but Warlord flexes his other arm on the third! He fights free and hits a shoulderblock, following with a BIG backdrop suplex! He attempts to win with a last bodyslam, pumping his arm to get the fans to recognize the finish, but Earthquake lands on him! He drops a big elbow and a legdrop gets two, and lacking other options, wins with a weird one- a falling clothesline and a leg-hook gets the pin at (9:18).

Fun little match! With some interesting psychology! Basically a giant HOSS FIGHT with each dude taking slow, measured attempts at crushing the other. The only thing holding it back was the obvious wind-sucking going on, as neither guy had the cardio to just GO for even 8 minutes and so you had “hit a move, then openly breathe through your mouth while walking around and pulling your tights up” during moves. Another small issue is how obviously soft Tenta’s offense actually is- I notice a bit here how he’s trying REALLY hard not to actually be too rough, so he kind of just gently slides into Warlord a couple times. Thankfully the big slams and suplexes all look great, as both guys are HELLACIOUSLY strong and can also leap into bumps well enough. The advantage of having dudes this huge is that even regular stuff like vertical suplexes and backdrop suplexes (which, mind you, is a match ender in Japan) look like devastating offense. The bodyslam thing gave it good psychology, as Warlord obviously dosen’t have any Tenta-slaying offense but CAN slam him, which is established immediately to set the stakes to the fans (and show that it is in fact possible, and can be done easily by this huge musclebound dude). This builds anticipation for the third one that never comes, as Quake keeps having to use evasive skills of all things, and he finally just… hits a random move where he hauls Warlord down and pins him, actually allowing him to kick out of his typical finisher.

Rating: **1/2 (one of the better singles Warlord matches, and a fun Hoss Fight, as even their bad cardio can’t hold it back since you can justify needing to sell/recover from the huge moves)

A 400-lb. Samoan vs. a 400-lb. barefoot hillbilly. I love wrestling.

THE GREAT KOKINA vs. SOLOMON GRUNDY:
(World Wrestling Council, Puerto Rico, Aug. 1st 1991)
* YOKOZUNA vs. A GIANT FAT GUY!! It’s a FAT MAN STAND-OFF!!! Yoko was at this point “Kokina” and just about to hit the WWF judging by his size here, as he’s nearing the 400 lb. mark for sure, and in black “Samoan tights”. “Solomon Grundy” is some random fat guy who also goes by Jukon Solomon and Santa Grundy. He’s a 400+ lb. Kentuckian who is very clearly ripping off Haystacks Calhoun, with an outfit that’s a t-shirt and overalls with bare feet. He’s named for the old poem “Solomon Grundy, Born on a Monday” that also inspired the Superman villain.

They immediately win me over by stalling for AGES, Grundy taunting him and rushing the ring edge so Kokina backs up over and over again and complains, refusing to get in. Finally Kokina is distracted so stealthy Grundy sneaks in and SLAPS HIM IN THE TITTIES, the fans popping for each slap, sending Kokina scurrying into the ring, where he both pleads for mercy with his hands out and then tries the DISINGENUOUS HANDSHAKE~~ while the babyface does the “should I listen to him? Should I hit him?” to the fans. ah, the classics. Grundy grabs it and immediately puts the boots to Kokina, then hits a clothesline that leaves him dizzied and falling on his ass. aw, I just realized they skipped the No-Sold Shoulderblocks part of the FAT MAN STAND-OFF. Don’t these guys know how to be obese?

Kokina whines some more, then fakes getting into a test of strength and tries to psyche him out, begs off AGAIN, then 3 minutes into the match we finally get more contact as he’s caught looking away and flails around selling punches, then takes a mighty avalanche and collapses onto his belly. Grundy follows with a headbutt but falls victim to Samoan genetics and stumbles back into the corner. Kokina chokes away and uses some chops, and headbutts set up the slam attempt but Grundy FALLS on him! Two! On the kickout Grundy rolls out and SLAMS into the baseball diamond ground, probably way harder than he intended, haha. They slug it out on the outside of the ring, and Kokina goes into the post as the ref counts “20” and Grundy is the winner at (5:47), somehow suffering only like 6 strikes and 0 wrestling moves in that entire time.

haha, simply TERRIBLE. Like you don’t expect Dollar Tree Haystacks Calhoun vs. Early Yokozuna to be any good, really, but they made so little contact it looked like they were practicing for COVID-19 in there. There were no shoulderblocks, no-sold or otherwise, and they managed a few strikes here and there, plus a regular clothesline and an avalanche, but mostly just kept their distance while Kokina played up being a cowardly heel. The level of stalling was almost impressive, making a 6-minute match a 12-minute segment, but hoo boy.

Rating: * (barely an actual match!)

WWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE:
BRET “HITMAN” HART vs. VIRGIL:
(WWF, Nov. 21st 1992)
* FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS It’s World Title contender Virgil time! Bret’s run here is why I’m always a sucker for “Fighting Champion” angles. It’s a good way to establish an underdog or newer champion by letting him rack up TV wins over lesser guys, none of whom are that hurt because they lost to the top guy, yet they’re still easy wins for the Champ and help him build credibility. Plus it lets you have World Title matches on TV. So as kid (I was 11 at this point), I was stunned to discover that midcard workhorse Bret Hart was WORLD CHAMPION one day, as it happened on a random show in the middle of the week somewhere, with no build or anticipation on TV. And so Bret was in dire need of some immediate cred, as while he won the vast majority of his matches since his singles push started in 1991, he had never beaten a top guy. Which would be kind of an issue going forward because the company had been badly gutted and now even Flair didn’t have much rub to give (jobbing to Savage & Hart during the year and about to be written out) and now he had to face all-new faces like Razor Ramon & Yokozuna instead. Hence I was actually excited as a kid to see Bret vs. VIRGIL on TV! I mean OMG- a World Title match on a show that was free to watch! I didn’t have to rent it or anything! Virgil had long since been a JTTS and even 11-year old Jab knew he wasn’t gonna get his hand raised, but it made Bret look brave and strong for giving shots to ANYONE, and made him look like a nice dude. Like, why not throw Virgil or someone a bone like that? Bret has already defeated the Berzerker, Papa Shango, and Da Mountie, proving unstoppable over the midcard!

“Virgil getting ready to perhaps become the new World Wrestling Federation Heavyweight Champion” SURE VINCE. Both men do a very ’90s complicated handshake (you know it’s the ’90s when you see it end with “wavy fingers”) after Bret gives a girl his sunglasses. I am to understand this is called a DAP, because I am both hip and with it. The first lockup sees Virgil ride Bret into the ropes, Bret looking aggrieved at the ref, then “yeah, I see” at Virgil before they slap hands again. Bret gets taken down with a headlock as he’s having issues dealing with the technical wizardry of Virgil, and they have a chat until Virgil hits the jobber crossbody for two. Heenan explains that Bret’s gonna LOSE the belt if he keeps up this insane pace of title matches, saying “You can’t defend the belt the way this man has- you can’t take all these different opponents. You can’t go from city to city all over the world”, indirectly putting over the Hitman’s courage and skill. Bret counters another headlock to his own, then clotheslines Virgil down- man they are REALLY not hiding the chatting much, here- this match isn’t exactly complicated enough to require all that, I’d think. Bret with a stomp, elbowdrop & slam as Heenan now puts over Bret’s aggression, chiding him for not “hanging back” like other Champions do- “He’s the only one I’ve ever seen that TAKES it to the man”. Virgil floats over and repeatedly shoulder-rams Bret in the corner, then flips him out for two. But next time, Bret counters a whip and Virgil tries another corner move, but Bret’s scouted him and ducks- Virgil crashes and burns and Bret immediately slaps on the Sharpshooter, Virgil selling terribly as he gives up at (4:14). Bret helps him up and they hut it out after

A very headlocky match, which is pretty funny given it’s four frickin’ minutes long. Bret taking on so many guys kinda meant he probably couldn’t come up with cool match ideas or signature moments in… well it’s a VIRGIL match so that’d be a waste of time, haha. But they did put over his counter-wrestling and ring smarts here, while Heenan’s commentary chiding Bret of course makes him look GOOD- saying he should be LAZIER and MORE CAREFUL and FIGHT LESS instead of hard-working, aggressive, vital and courageous like he has been.

Rating: ** (about as good as a 4-minute headlock-fest is gonna be- Bret has good facial expressions and always looks like he’s working out how a match has got to be, but it’s basically nothing even close to a nearfall until he just outsmarts Virgil and wins)

Virgil giving the camera a “hey, get that out of my face” look when he’s supposed to be selling.

THREE-WAY ELIMINATION MATCH:
YOUNG BUCKS (Matt & Nick Jackson) vs. FUTURE SHOCK (Adam Cole & Kyle O’Reilly) vs. THE BRAVADO BROTHERS (Lancelot & Harlem Bravado):
(Ring of Honor, Death Before Dishonor, 2011)
* Oh hey! When I was looking up Andre Chase I found this one. I couldn’t figure out who Future Shock were at first until commentary mentioned them- I didn’t realize Cole & O’Reilly used to be their own tag team pre-NXT and AEW- just that they were in the same stable. Both are in matching grey trunks with green writing, but Kyle has INDIE KICKPADS. The Bravados are in pink & white trunks, and the Bucks are in baggy black leather Hardy Boyz Cosplay pants. Man O’Reilly looks like SUCH a Danielson wannabe here- all in short trunks & kickpads with his hair cut short. Cole almost looks like he has some muscle definition.

The Bravados pounce during the pre-match handshake and beat up the other two teams, but the Bucks run back in as the crowd chants “Justin Bieber!”, presumably at Harlem’s mop-top hairstyle. The Bravados are shitcanned and Cole pescados one, the Bucks following with a Nick tope con hilo over Matt’s split legs, but Harlem gets the wussy version of the Orihara moonsault, going off the second rope super-delicately and wiping out his partner but cheering anyways. He immediately eats a Buck superkick and O’Reilly hits a SWEET running dropkick off the apron to annihilate him in a chair. Lancelot attacks guys from behind but O’Reilly goes INDIE KICKPAD STYLE to drop him and double-team strikes lead to Nick’s springboard frog splash getting two. The Bucks do a wheelbarrow lift/cutter to Lancelot, their only offense being double-teams and thigh-slaps. Harlem attacks from behind now, as this is the Bravado M.O. so far- take advantage of the stips with sneak attacks. Harlem & Cole slow it down as Harlem works him over- the Bravados are very WWE-style. All kicks and punches, dirty-fighting and basic moves instead of complex double-teams. An enzuigiri/German gets two- Matt tries an inverted Buff Blockbuster but backflips using another guy for an inverted DDT. Harlem immediately recovers and boots him down, then Nick does a slingshot X-Factor but gets put on O’Reilly’s shoulder on the floor for Cole’s tope suicida. Matt suplexes Lancelot off the ring apron, then Cole hits a flying crossbody to Harlem, reversed for two, but Future Shock hit Ride the Lightning (lariat/legsweep) to eliminate Harlem at (5:32).

There’s a big Future Shock/Bucks stand-off as they trade forearms, then suddenly Cole flies off and Matt hits a double-powerbomb into a buckle bomb (always hilarious that tiny MATT JACKSON does these spots), then a Spike Tombstone gets two- Kyle saves, then makes one Buck hold the other’s leg, then dragon screws him, resulting in both getting dragon screws because of science. Kyle exploders Matt and gets his knees up on a flying Nick, trapping him in a triangle while elbowing his head and Cole guillotine chokes Matt. “This is awesome!” becomes “This is wrestling!” as Matt shoves Cole into the pile to break up everything. A simple “everyone gets superkicked” routine has the fans in hysterics. O’Reilly won it with a clothesline, but has the ropes pulled down and he eats shit, so the Bucks wipe out Cole with a rolling fireman’s into a 450 Splash into a Moonsault for the pin (9:39).

A funny/sad look at how little the “indie style” has changed in fifteen years- this is *2011* and AEW is still doing the exact same match as this all the time, except slower because the Bucks are 15 years older, O’Reilly and Cole are broken down, etc. Six guys in the ring at all times, constant double-teams and elaborate routines, they’re still doing the exact same “everyone strikes everyone else” spot in exactly the same way… There’s new guys doing the same style of course, which means guys are just sorta aping what they saw years ago. The match itself was tolerable in an “All Spots; Not Much Selling” sorta way, where guys arch their backs and roar in agony, then do a great flippy move 23 seconds later- the “Video Game Match” style that ROH popularized and just… never changed. The match itself was FINE for what it was, but I actually appreciated the Bravados acting like douchebags and just beating people down in sneak attacks because they’re being CHARACTERS, not doing convoluted routines and big double-teams every second. Like, it came off as if they were THINKING about what to do, not just immediately hitting perfect offense. Seeing the stylistic differences was funny- O’Reilly’s INDIE KICKPAD STYLE yet he’s losing a strike war to wussy Matt Jackson’s stuff, and Cole just… faded into the background, doing generic stuff. Funny that of all these dudes he’s the one who got the big singles push because he was easily the least stand-out guy here- doing lots of superkicks but not having the Bucks’ agility or athleticism so all his stuff was plain and forgettable.

Rating: **1/2 (the type of match people freaked about back in the day but never really changed or has much meaning other than “a bunch of moves”, but was more agile and tightly-executed than today’s stuff tends to be because the guys were younger and healthier, and it was shorter so there was less down-time for commercial breaks and slowdown in general)

THIS WEEK’S PWI #500: MEMES/BLUE KANE (Wrestling Memes, Blue Kane, Blue Pain, Tom):
#500 appearance: 2024 (#500 in 2024)

-A British wrestler who’s been active since 2017, this guy typically goes by “Memes” and “Wrestling Memes” as soon as he debuted in Ultimate British Wrestling. He’s big but in that “kinda big” way, not actually scary or in shape or anything- what I see reveals a 6’2″-ish guy with a gut and flabby, pasty arms. Every once in a while he wrestles as something a lot of people thought was a meme itself- “Blue Kane”, a version of Kane in blue gear (“He’s like Kane, only he’s BLUE!!!! And he has ICE POWERS!”) with some fake snow descending from the ceiling during entrances. It looks like he’s Memes 96% of the time but occasionally pulls out Blue Kane every few months, or “Blue Pain” if he’s looking over his shoulder at lawyers. Looks like as time goes on he also works for Sacrifice Pro, United Kingdom Pro Wrestling… basically just like the US, it seems that a guy who doesn’t wanna travel too much can work 20-30 shows a year if he’s willing to do 5 shows a year for every podunk indie he can find.

BLUE KANE vs. JERRY BAKEWELL:
(Lost Souls Wrestling, June 20th 2023)
* The STATE of these men! Bakewell is a British-sounding man wearing a mask patterned with a tartan and a FANCY MUSTACHE, while Blue Kane is big but has a gut. Speaking of, Bakewell has that “fat baby” physique. Blue Kane raises his arms and FAKE SNOW enters the “arena” while a cover of “Blue” plays. At “Seven inches off seven foot” (hee), he steps over the top rope… but needs to step on the BOTTOM one to do it. Okay he’s selling the joke at least. The full body shot reveals he’s got itty-bitty legs for his body type, like Angélico from AEW, and super pasty arms with green bruises on them. Bakewell makes a “We have Kane at home” joke. Bakewell then bonks him with the microphone and the referee rings the bell after that cheap shot.

The state of these men!

Before Blackwell can capitalize, Blue Kane immediately goozles him and nearly hits the Chokeslam, but Bakewell escapes and does his silly British “ass-clench” walk around. An eyepoke fails to affect Blue Kane, who slugs him back into the ring and hits a big boot. Bakewell slaps him, but it’s no-seld and he eats a throat-thrust and side slam. Blue Kane goes up but Bakewell hits the ropes to shake him off and he takes the sissiest bump possible, slowly crawling down and then “bumping” once he gets one foot on the mat. “He gets down gingerly” admits commentary. Bakewell tries to press the lead but Blue Kane sits up, then again after a kneedrop. Bakewell panics, spamming out kneedrops (actually pretty snug- the camera’s right up their asses but you can see MAYBE an inch of space and they’re borderline potato shots at points), but he slaps BK from above and gets choked again. He escapes another Chokeslam and a double-clothesline has them both down, and both do sit-ups- Bakewell actually fakes being dead so Blue Kane won’t kill him, just calmly lying back down, but no dice- Jerry tries his own chokeslam, succeeding only in raising BK’s shirt to reveal his substantial gut, and BK throws shots and avalanches, another sidewalk slam, then a flying clothesline into FINALLY hitting the Chokeslam after Bakewell does a silly wobble-leg sell. Bakewell rolls to the floor and tries to handcuff BK to the ropes, but he breaks them, and another Chokeslam pins him at (6:22).

Well, inoffensive as Silly Comedy Wrestling goes, in that it’s only 6 minutes and didn’t lead to too many “People With Diabetes Giving Knowing Smirks While Inventing Goofy Chants”, just a lot of “You Fucked Up!” chants. Bakewell was a solid “wussy heel”, being a coward and doing silly walks, and his offense actually didn’t look that bad. Blue Kane is NOT good, however- very sloppy. At least he tries to get the “Kane Mannerisms” down, but the executive of all his moves and his bumping are really bad.

Rating: 1/2* (A pity half-star! A reward for keeping it short and being almost amusing!)