WWF SmackDown! Rewind: 12.23.99 – A Very McMahon-Helmsley Christmas

Previously on the SmackDown Rewind: The McMahon-Helmsley Era is officially declared, and the duo wreak havoc all over the show.

I’m doing a little experiment this week and doing a little less play-by-play on the matches. On a show where most of the matches are 1-3 minutes long, there’s not a lot to cover move-by-move. We’ll see if I stick with it (I won’t).

Earlier today, Mankind gathers the roster for a discussion. He’s not a fan of the McMahon-Helmsley Era and feels foolish for letting Triple H order him into matches. Matt Hardy’s in the hospital, Test has a broken nose for the 80th time, poor Mae Young was attacked and there are cheap cleavage matches. “That one was pretty cool.” They’re not going to take it any more. Enter Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley to ask what they’re all doing here. Mick calls it a mutiny. She says she’s made some mistakes while in control, mainly listening to Triple H. “This is the McMahon Era and it’s back to business.” Test faces Road Dogg tonight, Rock battles Al Snow in a cage, and Mankind’s getting a championship shot at Big Show and Triple H will be suspended fifteen feet above the cage.

Fireworks! We’re in the Reunion Arena in Dallas, Texas, taped as usual on UPN with Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler on commentary and Tony Chimel on the ring mic.

WWF Intercontinental Championship: WWF Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho vs Hardcore Holly (with Crash Holly)

The entrance graphics have Santa hats on the SmackDown logo this week because it’s that time of year. Jericho quotes Burl Ives on the way to the ring and promises to give Holly a yuletide beating. Holly stomps away early. Jericho bulldogs Holly and dropkicks Crash down, trying to even the odds. It doesn’t work for long as he goes for the Walls of Jericho and Crash Holly comes in and smacks him with the Intercontinental Title. Chyna comes out for the save and perhaps we have a tag team match brewing.

Chris Jericho defeats Hardcore Holly by disqualification and retains the Intercontinental Championship. Mostly a nothing match to advance the Jericho-Chyna story.

Billy Gunn and Road Dogg talk to Triple H about Stephanie’s antics. Triple H knows he can think of a way out of this.

And now, the WWF Slam of the Week presented by the WWF Slam Cam: Big Show defeats Kane on Raw and Tori has to spend the holidays with X-Pac.

Stephanie is talking to Kane backstage, saying he can have any member of DX on Monday if he stays by her side and protects her from DX tonight.

Rikishi Phatu vs Viscera

Rikishi coming out to his own theme is a much more low-key affair than when he comes out to Too Cool’s theme. The orange lighting and tron briefly takes over during the Rikishi’s intro. Big meaty man battle here. Viscera splashes Rikishi but doesn’t cover so he can do it again, which fails miserably for him. Rikishi can’t slam Viscera but is able to kick him down and hit the Bonzai Drop for the pin.

Rikishi Phatu pins Viscera. A basic beefy man match that lasts two minutes, ends that little mini feud, and gives us a post-match Too Cool and Rikishi dance.

Test and Stephanie talk with Kane nearby. He tells her he isn’t sure he’s buying what she’s up to and she wishes him luck.

Cole sends us to his new broadcast colleague, Jonathan Coachman. Oh, help us all. Coach is with The Rock, who immediately silences him and has come back to Dallas. Rock looks back on some of the worst days in history like Mrs. Snow giving birth to Al Snow. “Merry Christmas, jabroni.”

WWF World Tag Team Champion Road Dogg vs Test

Last week, DX broke Test’s nose for the third time. Test attacks quickly as we’re reminded Stephanie has promised no interference. As the men brawl in the ring, we see Triple H and Billy Gunn in the locker room figuring out how they can solve everything going on tonight with Stephanie. Test ducks Road Dogg’s dancing punches and grabs him, slamming him down with a pump-handle slam and going up top to nail a flying elbow (and a good looking one). That’s the match. Test batters Dogg up the ramp before the ref squad pull him away.

Test pins Road Dogg. Short and easy like everything here, but it’s good to see Test get the advantage for once. It won’t last.

Triple H and Billy Gunn head off to have a confrontation with the missus.

After a commercial, they have indeed arrived alongside Road Dogg at Stephanie’s dressing room. She announces Billy gets to face Kane tonight. HHH says he might’ve pushed things too far, but she shouldn’t put him in a cage and let seven guys eat him alive. She leaves, thinking there is something she can do about it. She comes back with security who are going to guarantee he goes to his locker room and that he gets into his personal cage tonight.

Kurt Angle vs Edge

Kurt has a mic and says Texas is known for its intensity and integrity but unfortunately not its intelligence. “If you work hard enough, maybe someday this state could be known for its intelligence.” This is the first of 93 different times these two would somehow share the ring in a match. Edge attacks before the match starts. They battle back and forth a bit, Edge outsmarts Angle for the majority of the match. Angle dodges a spear and dropkicks Edge into Teddy Long. Steve Blackman heads out with his kendo stick and smacks Edge as Angle ducks. Angle hits the Angle Slam and gets the slow three count to remain undefeated in singles action

Kurt Angle pins Edge. A three-minute sprint but it was fun to watch. Edge had a lot of fire here.

Stephanie catches Blackman and tells him she told him to stay out of Angle’s business. Steve! Not even listening.

After a break, Al Snow is talking to Stephanie in her office. Snow thinks he should be #1 contender but he’s facing Rock again instead and Mick Foley is getting the WWF Title shot. She’ll give him a title shot Monday if he defeats Rock tonight.

Steel Cage Match: The Rock vs Al Snow (with Head)

We’re again with the shorter TV steel cage, something noticed when Al poses on the top rope and is taller than the cage. Rock and Snow battle outside the cage first because we need some Attitude Era brawling. Rock grabs a chair to follow snow into the cage. Snow makes the first climbing attempt but doesn’t press combos of X, Y, B and A fast enough to get out. Snow leaps into a Rock DDT for a pinfall attempt as that’s another way to win this one. The ref has to come IN the cage each time to count the pin, so it’s kind of a useless way to try to win. Rock climbs, Al crotches him on the ropes and smacks him in the head with a chair. Snow covers and doesn’t get three, so he climbs instead and Rock pulls him back in.

Rock suplexes Snow off the top rope. Rock spinebusters Snow onto the chair and lands the People’s Elbow, getting the three after the referee sprints in. Rock wins, Snow doesn’t get his title shot.

The Rock pins Al Snow. You know what? I enjoyed this. Yes it was short (six minutes or so), but it was action-packed.

Ivory has Luna, B.B., and Jacqueline backstage and is complaining about WWF building a pool for them. She tells them they have to do something NOW to save the women’s division.

And after the break, Ivory joins us in the arena with some thoughts. She’s tired of talking about “thingies” and this is a sports entertainment show, not adult entertainment. The Kat is wiping her smut all over the title and she wants to WRESTLE.

WWF Women’s Championship No DQ, No Countout Match: WWF Women’s Champion The Kat (with Chyna) vs Ivory

Kitty comes out in a sexy Ms. Claus outfit because it is Christmas. Kat is wrestling barefoot, perhaps as a tribute to the Headshrinkers before they had to wear boots. Chyna steps in and Kat steps out, which is a pretty smart move on their part. Chyna pedigrees Ivory, Kat sits on Ivory for the pin.

The Kat pins Ivory to retain the WWF Women’s Championship. There was nothing to it but it WAS clever. I appreciate Ivory’s hopes to bring wrestling back. Good luck.

The Mean Street Posse find Kaientai and offer them tips on beating their opponents tonight. We hit all the stereotypes, with the Posse calling them Chinese and telling them to “re-rax.” Sheesh.

Jeff Hardy (with Terri) & Christian vs Kaientai (Taka Michinoku & Sho Funaki with the Mean Street Posse)

Tonight, SmackDown is brought to you by Western Union Money Transfer, 1-800-COLLECT and Tomb Raider: The Last Revelation from EIDOS Interactive. The Posse join Kaientai at ringside. If you’re wondering why Jeff and Christian are together, they were forced to wrestle Matt and Edge on Raw and won. Not sure why they’re still together here while Stephanie is mad at HHH, but we can’t expect all the answers. After a bit of Jeff and Christian ruling things, they get into a spat and Kaientai take advantage. It doesn’t last for long as Christian puts Funaki down and Jeff Swantons onto him for the pin.

Jeff Hardy pins Funaki, Hardy & Christian defeat Kaientai. This was fun too. It’s good to see ANOTHER team starting to get some shine in the huge tag division. Remember when there was a big tag division? (The sad thing is I wrote this seconds before New Day were released, emptying the tag division even more.)

Jim Ross is talking to Mankind and suggesting he’s careful against Big Show and trusting Stephanie McMahon.

Security guards the DX door. Inside the door, Triple H tells Gunn to focus while Road Dogg prays in the background.

Kane vs WWF World Tag Team Champion Billy Gunn

Mr. Ass attacks quickly but Kane gets the advantage as we see Triple H and Dogg watching on a large box TV. Kane chokeslams the Ass Man and gets the pin. DX try to run out to help save Gunn, but security won’t let them leave so Kane keeps beating Gunn across the arena.

Kane pins Billy Gunn. Nothing to it.

Kane gets a hold of Road Dogg who yells that he knows where Tori is.

Mark Henry (with WWF Hall of Famer Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young) vs Bubba Ray Dudley (with D-Von Dudley)

Sexual Chocolate says he has a surprise for his love, breaking out a poem about the hot nights they’ve had together. Bubba has his standard set of insults. Bubba hits Mark with a big clothesline from the second rope and D-Von climbs the ropes, Mae and Moolah crocheting him on the ropes. This gives Henry a chance to slam and splash Bubba.

Mark Henry pins Bubba Ray Dudley. This is our “well, this happened” of the week I guess.

Stephanie comes for Triple H and security drag him to the ring.

And now, the WWF Boot of the Week brought to you by Lugz: Santa Clauses attack Mankind in a boiler room on Raw.

WWF Championship: WWF Champion Big Show vs Mankind

Triple H gets his entrance music and lights as security drag him down to the ring and lock him in his cage, Stephanie McMahon waving as he gets raised above the ring. Test, Edge, Christian and Jeff Hardy are introduced to join us at ringside to add some additional security to the area. Stephanie joins commentary and says there is no allegiance with Triple H in business. We’ll find out in the last six minutes of this show, I imagine.

The Stephanie commentary is very heavy-handed about what’s to come for Triple H while Mankind and Show brawl to ringside, Mankind taking a chair to the stairs Show is holding. Mankind climbs the announce table and brains Show with the chair. Back in, Show calls for the chokeslam and gets DDTed instead for a two count. Mankind calls for Socko and hooks it, the two tumbling to ringside again. The cage lowers and the heel side attack our special guest good guys at ringside. Stephanie feigns danger as HHH bursts out of the cage. Stephanie kicks Mankind in the crotch in what Cole calls fear and Triple H takes the chain to Mankind as the Outlaws run out to join the fight. Stephanie gives us what we’ll try to call shock before turning it into a smile and embrace with Triple H. Shocking. So shocking. (It isn’t shocking.) HHH grabs a mic. “In this joyous holiday season, we’ve only got two words for ya… Merry Christmas.”

Mankind and Big Show wrestle to a no contest, Big Show retains the WWF Championship. A plodding, okay match where you knew from minute one that it was going to end in shenanigans. And it did.

Just an okay episode. The Stephanie switches were nice though you knew it was leading somewhere. The cage match was fun as was the tag match and Edge vs Angle. You’re not missing a lot by missing this one.