Yokozuna vs. Mabel in a FAT MAN STAND-OFF (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! And now, thanks to a Scott Keith review, I have been aware of the ultimate FAT MAN STAND-OFF that was yet to hit YouTube until now! It’s YOKOZUNA vs. MABEL in their first match against one another! In an 11-minute Superstars bout! Following that, a Burly Meaty Brawl if equal ferocity if not magnitude, as Stan Hansen takes on Terry Gordy in 1986 All Japan! Then another rarity, as the three-man Demolition team, Ax, Smash and Crush, do a six-man tag against “Teaming With Jobbers”-era Rugged Ronnie Garvin, Jose Luis Rivera & Tim McPherson! Watch which jobber has his bumping boots on!

Next up, it’s one more TEIJO KHAN match, as the violent “Asian” menace teams up with The Barbarian to face the Rock ‘N’ Roll Express in 1986! Then a request, as the Ric & David Flair vs. Curt Hennig & Barry Windham match is built up by Chris Benoit & Steve “Mongo” McMichael taking on Hennig & Windham on WCW Thunder in 1999! And then finally, it’s the PWI #500 of 2021, as apartment comedy wrestler Lulu Pencil takes on both Trans-Am Hiroshi and Antonio Honda!

YOKOZUNA (w/ Mr. Fuji) vs. MABEL (w/ Oscar):
(WWF Superstars, March 22nd 1994)
* HELL YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! The ultimate FAT MAN STAND-OFF!!! 1,000 lbs. of humanity! That’s like ten Young Bucks! These two actually fought off and on over the years, but never had a protracted feud. Even Cornette was like “you don’t book the two giants against one another!” and I’ve had it explained that “put the biggest guy vs. the other biggest guy” is “mark thinking” but excuse me if I don’t MARK OUT WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! This is very shortly after Yokozuna lost the WWF Title. Sadly music & crowd noise are set way too loud here, preventing us from listening to Stan Lane & Ted DiBiase’s commentary and Oscar’s legendary enunciation as he raps Mabel to the ring. The Hammerstein Ballroom is ELECTRIC for Mabel, waving their hands in the air like they do not care.

Man, look at the size of these two. Wrestling will never have a match equivalent to this again :(.

Yoko appears bewildered by Oscar’s rap and Mabel’s arm-waving, but stalks forward so they can go eye to eye, revealing the huge disparity in height (Yoko is heavier by at least 50 lbs. but is no taller than the average wrestler- Mabel is noticeably taller than Billy Gunn, a giant by today’s standards). Yoko backs up slightly as Mabel raises the roof again, the fans building and building… annoying Yokozuna when he takes his sumo stance, so he DEMANDS they stop, just egging them on more. Too bad it’s enhanced so much so we can’t tell how loud it actually is. And then… yes… yes… FAT GUY NO-SOLD SHOULDERBLOCK!!! Except both actually bounce off from the impact so I guess it’s semi-sold. Both guys wonderfully sell the shock of this- just think: never in their lives have they EVER slammed into someone full-speed and not had them fall over. Yokozuna is completely bewildered as if his entire gameplan just fell apart- DiBiase even points out how a smaller guy vs. Yoko would know to wear him down and use speed, but against a man of near-equal size it’s just over who’s biggest and strongest. Yoko’s aghast is actually a really great sell… and when they reset, Mabel builds himself up but GOES DOWN, Yoko blasting him to the mat!

Yokozuna’s face when he meets a guy who isn’t immediately knocked down by a full charge.

Mabel looks aggrieved outside the ring, Oscar consoling him, but he angrily steps back in and they try again… HUGE COLLISION!! But this time it’s YOKO who falters, waving his arms around as he’s suddenly off-balance, and when he hits the ropes he slides through them to the floor and crazily runs right into the post! I love how five fucking minutes have gone by and they’ve only done three moves, haha. Lane & DiBiase argue over whether or not he “took a huge bump”. They do a big lockup, Yoko raking Mabel’s face on the break and hitting a throat-thrust & headbutt, but Mabel blocks a punch and hits three big windmill rights of his own, but misses a giant avalanche and Yokozuna HITS A BELLY TO BELLY, the uber-hard WWF ring barely even budging from their combined weight. Yoko sells the back dramatically to put over the move as Mabel pulls out the almighty TWITCH SELL.

Yoko looks agonized as he slinks back against the ropes to fire up momentum for a devastating legdrop, Mabel flopping like a fish on the sell. Yokozuna sells on the mat for half a minute and has to pull himself up using the ropes and is barely able to club Mabel on the back before he’s up. He attempts a whip, but it’s reversed and Yokozuna takes a MONSTER bump off a lariat and now MABEL fires off a giant legdrop! Both guys are down, Oscar trying to start a “Ma-bel!” chant as both do so much selling a full minute elapses before they’re up, and then Yokozuna pulls out a BODY SLAM! Mabel goes straight upside-down! Yoko again collapses from the pain, finally getting up to declare a Banzai Drop is in the future, but Mabel’s a mile from the ropes and when Yokozuna tries to pull him, Mabel reaches up with both arms and throws him (ie. Yoko launches himself). And the crowd is actually seen cheering! And now MABEL hits a bodyslam after pounding the mat to build up the move! It was that Luger sideways slam thing cuz no way is Yoko going vertical but damn! But both men immediately roll to the floor dead, Yokozuna holding his back but Mabel actually looking deceased, and that’s a Count Out at (10:54).

This was AMAZING hahahah- both guys went all-out in milking every damn move more than I’ve ever seen two guys do it- like they knew their cardio could never handle a real 11-minute match so they made every slam or legdrop look like it had 2 minutes’ worth of offense built into it, accomplished by their selling, bumping, and dramatic reactions. The crowd actually seemed into it- the amped-up cheering was way overdone but you could see people cheering. Like, Mabel hits a single clothesline and legdrop and they sell for a full minute straight, then Yoko hits a monster bodyslam and it’s more double-selling until Mabel throws him. I’ve seen guys milk stuff but they were doing barely one move a minute and the crowd STILL LIKED IT, which is actually impressive and probably just down to the physical spectacle of two monsters.

Rating: BETTER THAN KING’S ROAD AND BRET/AUSTIN COMBINED MOTHERFUCKERSSSSSSSS WOOOOOOOOOOO I mean like ***1/4 (fuck it; that ruled and it was a perfect example of how you can milk moves just by selling them the right way)

STAN HANSEN vs. TERRY GORDY:
(All Japan, 6/11/1986)
* I haven’t covered this one! The ****1/2 brawl I covered was on another show in 1990! Gordy was sort of the second-tier gaijin nearly on Stan’s level at the time- until drugs ruined his career, he was being groomed to replace Stan’s position as Top Gaijin. It always entertained me how with their big, bulky, bottom-heavy physiques and black trunks, they looked like Fighting Game head-swaps of each other, haha. Like Ken & Ryu if they were ornery, beefy Southern guys who thought mat-wrestling was for sissies.

Gordy immediately charges Hansen as soon as he hits the ring, sending the three flower girls scurrying as it’s complete mayhem- Gordy kicks his ass but charges into a boot and flails his arms around on the sell, and Stan shoulderblocks him to the floor and slaps him with his jacket for good measure. The bell finally rings as Stan runs around, and they finally lock up, turning it into a chopfest and a brawl, then FAT GUY NO-SOLD SHOULDERBLOCKS, neither budging and the fans rumbling as Stan just spits and stares at Gordy with defiance. Another fight leads to Gordy hitting a CROSS-BODY OUT OF THE CORNER of all things, then tries a piledriver, nearly powerbombing him as Stan reaches for the ropes and pulls himself to the apron, then hauls Terry to the floor with him. They brawl out there, Stan winning with a post-shot and slowing it down in the ring with some kneelifts and choking as Gordy gets blood spattered all over himself, apparently tapping a BIG cut. He balls his fists up in defiance but immediately flat-backs off a single punch and Stan measures him with an elbow. A lock around the forehead has Gordy looking pathetic and brutalized as blood’s all over his face, and Stan presses the attack with an elbow to the cut. But you can really tell Gordy’s been watching Terry Funk stuff, because he has the exact same “bolt up immediately with fiery defiance” look about him in body language. Stan immediately ends his comeback with more brawling as commentary discusses the age difference and how 25-year old Gordy doesn’t necessarily have good stamina because he’s younger than Stan (36), presumably thinking of why he’s not doing so well.

A bloody Gordy rolls to the floor but Stan is merciless, booting him from the apron, but he finally overdoes his brutality- he aims for the Western Lariat against the post and of course Terry moves and Stan is now writhing in agony, holding his arm. Terry smashes his injured elbow into every metal object he can find, then builds up an armsnapper in the ring, literally spewing out clouds of bloody spit with each breath. His mat wrestling expertise is such that he just sorta pulls on Stan’s arm while pressing on it with his knee, but builds some cardio and hits a lariat to the throat for two. Gordy does the pithold and indeed looks pretty out of breath, smashing the arm into the turnbuckles but missing a flying whatever. Stan makes a comeback with a piledriver, then a backdrop suplex gets a close two as he slaps his elbow against the top rope to indicate to the fans “it’s fine now!” and preps the Western Lariat- but Terry’s kinda just dead-center to Stan can’t get a good angle of it, wasting time with kicks until Killer Khan hits the ring and trips him up- Terry’s tossed a chair and makes good use of it, and that’s the Disqualification at (10:08)- All Japan Fuck Finish! Stan is cut open as they double-team him, but after a couple chairshots he ducks one and Terry smokes his own partner- Stan slams Terry then chairs the Khan to the floor, then the heels bail, throwing chairs into the ring as things turn into total chaos- Stan follows Terry out and they brawl around ringside again, Stan’s soon cut open and covered in his blood AND Terry’s.

A lot of fun, but it kinda ran outta steam six minutes in and never recovered- I suspect commentary was Gorilla Monsoon-ing it and saying Gordy’s cardio had failed. Probably got too worked up and didn’t have enough “go” to keep the brawl moving, so they slinked into holds after the wild brawl. Also I wonder if Khan missed his cue for the fuck finish, because Stan gears up the lariat, then spends a minute or so wandering around Gordy trying to set it up along the ropes until he’s FINALLY tripped. Though it was suggested to me that Stan, being blind as fuck, maybe didn’t realize where Khan was and so kept having to reposition, haha.

Rating: ***1/4 (a great, fun brawl for a while but eventually falls apart- the aftermath is one of the best parts about it)

DEMOLITION (Ax, Smash & Crush): vs. RUGGED RONNIE GARVIN, TIM McPHERSON & JOSE LUIS RIVERA:
(WWF Prime Time Wrestling, Sept. 17th 1990)
* Poor Garvin has by this point attained the final stage of the WWF loser wrestler: Teaming with jobbers. McPherson is a tall-ish black guy in blue trunks, Rivera is a pale Latino guy in red, and Garvin’s in green. Demolition had turned heel and lost the Tag Belts by this point, but are still kicking around doing a feud with the Legion of Doom. They did very few matches as a full trio. Sean Mooney on commentary promptly forgets both first names of Garvin’s partners.

Crush starts with Garvin, immediately making it clear just how absolutely PUNY Ronnie is compared to the big WWF bruisers, as Crush is easily a full head and shoulders taller than him. Crush confidently shoves him off, still struggling with the “character” bits of the Demolition persona (he never really made up for that), occasionally sticking his tongue out and flexing. Garvin hits an ineffective chest shot and fails an O’Connor Roll, but catches Crush flexing with a schoolboy for two. Over to Rivera, who repeatedly cranks on a front facelock, Crush soon ignoring him and plopping him on the top rope so Ax can abuse him. Three-man Jumping Demolition Axehandles! Except their motivation is gone and three is too many as both Smash AND Crush noticeably whiff their shots on the closeup, obviously doing nothing. Smash promises to “twist your stinkin’ neck right off!” and hits the neck-crank. A ponderous beating leads Rivera to flop over and McPherson tags in- Crush immediately cuts him off and Ax whips him into the Flair Flip, McPherson going over the top and sliding right past the ring apron! Crush simply press-slams the unfortunate jobber over the top rope and Smash wipes him out with a clothesline. McPherson does a rollover bump off a Smash shot and gets whipped off the ropes and hauled down in a Crush kneeling chokeslam thing that’s pretty unique, then hits a flying axehandle. Demolition Decapitation and McPherson does a GREAT “flop over dead” sell off that, ending it at (5:43). Garvin comes in and the Demos immediately back up a bit- not like he was much help, haha.

A pretty long, extended squash, which kinda happens in a six-man but is a trifle dull, especially since Demolition are pretty simple brawlers. Like, SIX MINUTES is a long time to beat up job guys, though McPherson was doing really well- flipping over the top rope, flopping around after getting press-slammed into the ring, going up for some big moves and having great “dead” and “twitch” sells. Rivera didn’t do much and Garvin only got in a tiny bit of offense and never helped out after the first 40 seconds. Crush was still too hesitant in the job- not mean enough compared to the other two, who appeared to delight in tormenting weaklings.

Rating: * (way too long for a squash, but fine enough otherwise)

THE ROCK & ROLL EXPRESS (Ricky Morton & Robert Gibson vs. THE BARBARIAN & TEIJO KHAN (w/ Paul Jones):
(NWA?, July 19th, 1986)
* A random short one featuring the RnRs against a foreign heel muscle-man squad! The crowd is going BANANA already- these Express boys are somewhat over, I must say.

Morton immediately hits a suplex on Khan to send him scurrying, then they double suplex the Barbarian. Morton holds Khan for a flying punch from Gibson, but Khan backs the latter into the Barbarian, who snags him but Gibson just slugs away on both of them. Barbarian flees in fear from RICKY MORTON of all people and turns into more Gibson punches as these giant roid-guys are getting their ASSES kicked, haha. Barbarian finally catches Morton in the throat and press-slams him, and Morton flops down dead from a big boot. Morton gets throttled and double-clotheslined, but manages a small package on Khan. Barbarian comes in and Gibson gets his ass kicked while Morton gets dumped, but Khan turns around and is caught by Morton sunset flipping back into the ring- for three (4:14)! Morton wins for his team! Okay that was pretty quick, but showcased Morton’s great bumping/selling style (very “fall over dead”) and the heels seemed fine- big bruisers. Man, these two noodle-armed wimpy-looking guys with flabby bellies defeated two muscled-up roid guys in 4 minutes? Nobody show this to Cornette! … Wait.

Rating: ** (perfectly okay filler match- pretty short and to the point, with a mini heat segment and mini-shine segment)

THE FOUR HORSEMEN (Chris Benoit & Steve “Mongo” McMichael) vs. CURT HENNIG & BARRY WINDHAM:
(WCW Thunder, Jan 21st 1999)
* From early 1999, a very weird match-up- Benoit didn’t team up with Mongo very often, and they’re up against heels Hennig & Windham. This is post-nWo for Hennig, and 5 months before the West Texas Rednecks form, meaning they’re a classic case of “WCW’s Endless Midcard”, just floating around trading wins. This is part of the build for the next PPV, where Ric Flair and son David (who is debuting) take on Hennig & Windham- Flair’s Horsemen partners are to soften them up. Benoit just looks totally out of it, heavy-lidded eyes almost half-asleep as he makes no reaction at all. Barry’s in a black vest & jeans, Hennig has his blue/black singlet (but has one strap pulled down), Benoit’s in black w/ blue tights, and Mongo’s in the usual black & white shorts, but now has the ECW T-Shirt of Shame.

Benoit & Hennig start, Curt trying his “super-sell EVERY MOVE” thing but being older and clunkier and landing hard on his shoulder off a chop. Benoit is fascinating because he’s doing the basics like internationals, but three times the speed and intensity of everyone else. Hennig bounces off one corner and stumbles all the way to the other and faceplants. Over to Mongo as Heenan talks about watching Barry grow up but losing track of his thoughts and switching to insults (“he is one….. ….. twisted soul. He will do ANYTHING in that ring…”)- Mongo with a lariat but he’s hit low and Barry takes over. Mongo comes back with more shots as Heenan talks about how “You will both learn as you go through life, it’s a lot easier beating up a ten-year old than a twenty-year old” to Tony’s disgust. Mongo gets caught with a backdrop suplex (Windham has to basically drag him off the ropes or shout the spot) and worked over by both guys, and we’re back from break with a weird double-team clothesline (poor Barry barely gets Mongo with his wrist), and a double-clothesline spot puts Mongo & Hennig down. Benoit’s in! He immediately clotheslines & slams Windham, hitting the Swan Dive Headbutt… for two! I mean yeah he had barely done anything yet. Benoit hits the Crippler Crossface, but Hennig comes in with a chair and nails first the ref, then both Horsemen, getting DQ’d at (7:00 shown). Hennig keeps up the chairshots, drawing in Flair, who no-sells a whiffed Barry clubbing blow, then a ballshot from Hennig and just keeps coming with a weirdly uncoordinated brawl. Flair eventually sells one more ballshot and just lies straight down, getting stomped so David comes out and covers his father’s body with his own- we end the broadcast with him being double-teamed by the heels and we’re out.

Putting these four guys in the ring and having Mongo in there for 80% of it was a choice. Because of that, it was kept super-simple, both washed-up veterans just doing eyegouges, stomping & yelling, and basic punches. Inoffensive but not great, but obviously just to build heat to the PPV. Even the final run-in was one of the ugliest I’ve ever seen, with Flair eagerly no-selling everyone and just doing random shit until he finally sells and jerks around on the mat before going stock-still.

Rating: *1/4 (just a weak, plodding TV bout)

THIS WEEK’S PWI #500: LULU PENCIL:
#500 appearance: 2021

-Sez Cagematch: “Has a career outside of wrestling, decides to train as a wrestler to see if she can, manages to have one of the best feuds of 2020s pro wrestling, appears in AEW in a butler outfit which pops Eddie Kingston, makes the cover of PWI despite being last on their list, wins literally zero (0) singles matches, retires before the 2nd anniversary of her debut match, refuses to elaborate. Might be the GOAT.” She is a trainee of Emi Sakura (who currently wrestles in AEW sometimes and I mostly know as “miniature rookie Emi Motokawa” doing Joshi Spotlights) but was SO BAD that she instead got a comedy gimmick that was “lol I suck at wrestling” and did goofy apartment wrestling? I guess? This aspect of the business eludes me entirely.

Near as I can tell, it’s all deliberately-phony goofy stuff with wrestlers playing sillier version of themselves in a building at Ichigaya Chocolate Square in Tokyo, where they build a fake “house” set complete with cut-out “windows” and do comedy matches in front of twenty men. There was a brief AEW crossover (as Emi’s valet) putting her into contact with Eddie Kingston, CM Punk & Mark Henry and the like. A big “story” involves tall, skinny wrestler Chris Brookes declaring that she is no true pro wrestler, and her challenging him to a 30-minute Iron Man Match in which he scored endless victories and she got a last-second rollup. Accepting that she showed heart, Brooks declared she was a pro wrestler after all. She “wrestled” entirely from 2019-2021 and then vanished without a word, almost as soon as her AEW run was over in the middle of the pandemic. She can apparently be seen on IGN Japan‘s YouTube channel, as she worked for them as Shuka Yamada (at least as of three years ago). She appears in the PWI 500 only once, basically the year she disappears.

LULU PENCIL vs. TRANS AM HIROSHI:
(Gatoh Move Pro Wrestling, Jan. 13th 2000)
* So this is a COVID-era show filmed in an apartment in front of other wrestlers and such. Hiroshi Fukuda (a… DDT/Kaientai Dojo wrestler?) is now playing a “yoga specialist”. He’s in a black bodysuit with white dots on it, while Lulu dresses like a 1990s Quirky Girl Movie Protagonist- pink coveralls over a white shirt. And no I’m not watching the 30-Minute one, lol.

Both “performers” corpse while Hiroshi walks around stiffly while sticking his tongue out to demonstrate his yoga skills. He does some stretches, causing her pain when she mimics them, then she copies his spinning wristlock move until she gets dizzy. Both laugh repeatedly as Lulu is stuck in a few poses by him and resists whatever grab he was doing, then she “punches” him, accomplished by balling her hand into a fist, putting it against his forehead, then pushing. A real Bobby Eaton in there. Her stomps affect his bare feet significantly (PSYCHOLOGY~~), then she locks on a sleeperhold that lasts ages. I believe he is resisting it via transcendental meditation. They actually do the “three hand-drops” thing but he takes a meditative pose. He does a headstand but she locks in a half crab for a while. He makes the “Ropes” (by touching a fan) and rolls back and forth on the ground like a log, causing him to trip, getting two. He fires up despite this devastating move (what is this, AEW?) and “runs the ropes” (ie. has a fat guy push him off by the butt) and charges, but Lulu she slams him into the wall and fires off “lariats”, which he no-sells- a foot-stomp has him on the floor, but tries a Sharpshooter and ends up rolled up at (8:59).

Rating: DUD (pro wrestling was a mistake! I guess there’s a “still not as fake as Ricochet/Ospreay/Wreslter I Snobbishly Hate” in there, maybe)

LULU PENCIL vs. ANTONIO HONDA:
(Gatoh Move Pro Wrestling, Oct. 27th 2019)
* Honda is a burlier guy but barely taller than Lulu is. He’s another DDT Pro guy who has done a hundred matches for Gatoh Move.

They do lockups, then a “test of strength”, one arm of Honda to two of Lulu’s. She muscles him down, but does the “get dizzy” wristlock (“Even her offense becomes a weakness”- commentary). Honda steps on her head and does repeating backbreakers (this actually doesn’t look bad since it’s all on him, haha), and then it’s the NEW JAPAN CHOP CONTEST~~ spot as Lulu keeps roaring to life and hits “chops” (his actually make noise). But she does the pencil roll and trips him, causing a knee injury. He wants a time out and nearly gives up, but then does a song & dance number- Lulu sits on a stool to watch it, but blocks his eyepoke with the stool. However, she misses a splash (landing on her feet and then lying down). They do whiffed punches (I’ve sadly seen many indie ones almost as bad) and then do a dance routine of musical chairs (they have that in Japan?) and she nearly rolls him up off the stool. She counters a powerslam with the sleeper, but gets slammed into the wall and chopped repeatedly, and attempts a splash from the “window” (stopping on the ground to reposition first). But she attempts a backslide… and gives up (9:53) because his body weight is crushing her.

Rating: DUD (actually better than the first if you can believe that! Honda seems more capable and the comedy spots were more well-timed and positioned)