Rob Van Dam vs. Sabu & Terry Funk vs. Stan Hansen (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have some requests, as there’s a 1997 Rob Van Dam vs. Sabu match… in ALL JAPAN, as Baba brings in ECW’s hellraisers for a very “ECW” spotfest in the middle of the promotion a lot of Westerners have mistaken as being the most drab and serious of the companies out there! And then more All Japan sees a 1982 brawl between Terry Funk and STAN HANSEN! Come watch the two best sellers of the ’80s go completely wild in a berserker brawl that soon draws the entire ringside into the ring! Then it’s Perry Saturn vs. Psychosis from a 1998 WCW Thunder!

Following that, it’s a look at one of the very first “Failed Attempted to Counter-Program to WWE” promotions- the XWF! This company featured Jimmy Hart, Tony Schiavone, Greg Valentine, The Wall and a host of other guys WWF didn’t want from WCW’s death, and it’s before NWA-TNA or any other company tried it! And the match is giant monster Emory Hale as “Hail” vs. Marty Jannetty! I take a look at shitty micro-indies with fat indie loser Hellraiser Hark taking on Kevin Dark in a chain-link Steel Cage Match in front of thirty people! And finally, our PWI #500 showcase of the week has young Corey Storm (2019’s #500), fighting Jonathon Wolf in a “high schoolers cosplaying as Will Ospreay” indie shitshow, and then a better appearance from 2023 as the renamed Corey Calhoun takes on Adrian Alexander for the “Nice Guy Andy Podcast” Title! Yeah I dunno either!

ROB VAN DAM vs. SABU
(All Japan, May 31st 1997)
* It’s Sabu vs. RVD! In JAPAN! RVD uploaded this to his own YouTube channel after Sabu died last year. They’d apparently fought to a 30-minute draw a week earlier. RVD holds his hand out, and when Sabu goes for it, RVD pulls it back and does his pose, the audience ooh-ing and then clapping with respect for his disrespect, lol.

Sabu responds to another handshake spot by teasing it then doing his point, but RVD wins a slugfest with a trip and scores his spinning legdrop- one thing you gotta give Rob at this point was that he “plussed” every move- he didn’t do anything the “regular way” but added a spin or a twist onto it. It’s part of why a lot of my generation was convinced he was this GOAT super-worker must-see guy after only 1 or 2 matches. Sabu has the audience go “??” when he does a slingshot strike, and RVD bridges out and spins into an inverted DDT to impress them, then Rolling Thunder (a rolling splash). Sabu nearly messes up his landing backflipping out of a backdrop, but dropkicks RVD’s ankle and takes him to the floor, baseball slides him past the guardrail, then sets up a chair to make the fans go BANANA- Air Sabu! Stuff like “vaulting off a chair to springboard past the guardrail” was uniquely Sabu. Then dueling chairs! They slide into the ring and the fans are even more into it, Sabu taking him down but getting donked on the head to stall him. RVD then sets up the chair himself, but Sabu surprises him with a guillotine legdrop to smash his face into it. Sabu then tries his chairvault wheel kick and eats shit in the corner, so RVD just rifles it into his head. I appreciate that they’re not even bothering to wrestle without gimmicks. Of course it leads to the usual “Sabu Problem” of “long strings of quiet as they wait for the spots” since that’s all he has. Oh wait, this is Japan- they’re just being RESPECTFUL in between all the cool spots.

RVD suplexes Sabu onto the guardrail stomach-first so he can vault off it to legdrop him, then waits a while until he can whip Sabu into the ringpost (HARD). That gets two, but Sabu counters him and crotches him on the top rope so he can hit a slingshot frankensteiner to finally light up the fans again! But RVD does the same thing to him, opting for a slingshot spinkick to shitcan him, then the tope con hilo! Slingshot legdrop gets two, then they randomly fight (aka no planning) and then Sabu’s whipped to the corner and BOTH slingshot, RVD winning with a spinkick. Standing moonsault gets two. Five-Star Frog Splash… hits knees, Sabu does his Arabian moonsault thingie onto his back when he’s bent over, throws a chair at him, then gets it disarmed and thrown into his hands- Van Daminator! The crowd finally stops being respectful and makes noise again. RVD does a weird thing dropping a chair on Sabu’s face so he can hold it, but thankfully Sabu just flings it into his head. Arabian Quebrada bonks RVD on the head, they fuck about with a table, RVD gets crotched on the railing to buy Sabu time to set it up right, and Sabu tope con hilos RVD on it! And because it doesn’t break, hits a slingshot splash that dents it enough. Sabu puts RVD up top and chairvaults, intercepted by a spinkick- RVD dropskicks a chair into him and Split-Legged Moonsaults with a chair, getting two. Sabu just launches a chair at his head, springboards up, waits for them to both be balanced and carefully Frankensteiners him onto the chair for two, then hits Air Sabu for a springboard moonsault, getting three at (15:39), ending the spotfest!

This was the usual “Sabu/RVD Problem” match, where it’s Spot-Rest-Spot with no transitions in between, and the fans pick up on it because they go dead silent until waiting till the next thing- like they’re watching Jericho matches between all the spots. The spots ARE over, but it quickly becomes the only part of the match anyone cares about, especially as neither is being a character or working the crowd- they’re just arbitrarily punching one another and pulling each other into position for “the next thing” to ignite the fans again. Eventually it’s clear Sabu can do nothing BUT moves that are rope-assisted, as he hands out against the ropes all match so he can vault himself a bit. Like he can’t even do a snapmare or a running move or anything, haha. So it’s just big move… rest… big move… move about for a while… set everyone up so they’re ready… big move… all match long.

Rating: **1/4 (as a match it’s pretty business-exposing and just a collection of spots, but FLIPPY MOVEZ GO WOOSH so I can give it over **, haha)

FUNK RETIRES IF HE LOSES CLEAN:
TERRY FUNK vs. STAN HANSEN:
(All Japan, 9/11/1982)
* It’s time for another wild All Japan brawl! Terry Funk takes on Stan Hansen in 1982 All Japan! Terry gets a wild reaction from the crowd- hey, they’re not being very quiet and respectful at all! Commentary talks about the feud between Texans- “Terry Funk’s career is on the brink of an emotional upheaveal, and he has even been considered a traitor to Texas!”, but he’s so sure of victory that he’ll retire if he loses. Terry, head down, keeps making weird “fighty” faces as Hansen takes the ring and charges him- Terry dodges and immediately ass-slams one of the poor flower girls to the mat, lol. RIP lady in red! She’s taken out of the ring and we’re off!

The two circle each other like bulls and lock up once the ref’s out of the way- Terry immediately goes in to full overselling mode, nearly shitcanning off a chop and wandering around the ring seething before he’s knocked upside-down and out of the ring off a punch- he comes back with a boxing combo and now STAN’s on the floor, and they fight there and the apron before stalling as the fans are the least quiet and respectful I’ve ever seen- tsk tsk! “This is truly a battle between men who are showing the full extent of their masculinity” as Terry takes a powder after a slam, then takes a HUGE flipover sell off a back elbow and does the twitch sell as a kneedrop lands on his neck. Stan keeps up the ass-kicking on the floor, but Terry takes a short break and fires back- commentary puts over all his holds while Terry just fires off elbows and a spinning bootrake, haha. Stan just hauls him down and they push at each other’s faces, making some CHOICE expressions- just total hatred for one another. Terry pulls at Stan’s ears and eyes, then fires off double-chops and punches, scoring a backdrop suplex to counter a headlock.

Hanson’s expression work is S-tier.

Terry drops Stan with punches but Stan fights up from the ground and has Terry doing that great “reeling but with fight still in him” look, circling his fists and wobbling around- Stan snapmares him over, dropping another elbow with a cruel look in his eye and snaps on a chinlock as the fans go NUTS for Terry. He twists his head to ensure it’s a side grip and fights up, then tries the Spinning Toe Hold but gets shoved off. Vertical suplex gets two for Stan. Stan keeps brawling with him, Terry going full ham and gesturing to the ref to stop the throat shots, then bounding upside-down in the ropes as he bounces around for Stan’s punches and kicks, finally landing on the floor upside-down. Bewildered, he blindly tosses a chair backwards, but Stan throws it at his feet and Terry bumps again. Stan follows him out and you can tell the finish a million miles away- Stan goes into the table himself, and they brawl into the ring, Terry’s punch sending Stan into the referee, who eats shit on the floor. This sends sub-referee Mr. Hayashi into the ring, but Terry hauls him away so he can fight Stan, gets taken down, then Hayashi tries to stop STAN’S punches.

This…

does not go well.

Stan hits him with the WESTERN LARIAT, leaving him dead (though his “oooooo” face leaves something to be desired). Stan & Terry lay waste to each other’s foreaheads with punches, but the lack of ref draws RON BASS into the ring, allying with fellow Gaijin heel Stan, holding Terry- WESTERN LARIAT! The fans scream in terror for their hero, as Stan had the “choke up the arm and get a full running start” version of it, too. The original ref recovers and finally calls for the bell (10:54- Count-Out for Stan as Terry was trapped on the ring apron during the brawl) as the brawling won’t stop, and Hansen & Bass double-team poor dead Terry, drawing the YOUNG BOYS into things! Boys go flying everywhere as the heels tear them apart, and this brings in Jumbo Tsuruta & Giant Baba! Baba chops down Bass, who’s then hit with a Jumbo Knee as Baba & Hansen hammer away on each other until Jumbo gets involved. Stan bails and sneaks back in to punch Jumbo in the nuts (hah!) and beat down Baba, but the fans go BANANA when it’s announced that Terry has lost only by count-out, which I guess doesn’t count for the stips.

What a wild brawl, haha. The great thing is they didn’t even do any really big stuff- I think the biggest bump all match was a vertical suplex. But it was such a vicious brawl full of the best sellers ever going at it that it didn’t matter- even Stan has this great head-shaking, extremely bothered sell, never mind Terry’s theatrical, exaggerated selling. When the match is new he’s able to bump like a madman, twitching like a death-sell when his neck is struck, and more- as things go later, he looks exhausted and beaten down, fueled only by his indomitable will as he’s bouncing upside-down while holding the ropes in the kind of thing only he could really do (his constant passion is the only reason this doesn’t come off as awfully comical). Then you have Stan looking like this ornery, bug-eyed savage. The post-match was more fun than anything in the ACTUAL match, seeing bodies flying left and right- I loved the ref eating the Lariat, then Terry as Bass holds him- the crowd would die for Terry and you can tell this cheating is horrible to them.

Rating: ***1/2 (two of the best ever having a wild brawl with no finish into a clusterfuck mess at the end- good shit)

SATURN vs. PSYCHOSIS:
(WCW Thunder, Sept. 24th 1998)
* By request, here’s Saturn vs. Psychosis from Thunder! Thunder was THE show to see Psychosis matches, as WCW knew he was good, but also relatively unpushable in the US, so he’d be trotted out to job in short matches for ages.

They quickly lock up, Saturn hanging onto a headlock despite being taken down- poor Psychosis reminding me of all those YouTube shoots about how rough Saturn was to wrestle, haha. I mean it just looks like he’s ACTUALLY wrestling them. Saturn shoulders him down and they kinda mess up a leapfrog spot (Psychosis thankfully lands fine) and Saturn keeps defaulting to this nasty-ass headlock. They’re obviously having issues working together as they do a hiptoss counter and Psychosis finally grabs the wrist and pretty openly calls spots in his ear- Saturn promptly overhead belly-to-bellies him then sweeps his leg out HARD and the back of Psychosis’s head hits first, haha. Saturn immediately goes to a headscissors/cross-armbreaker, Psychosis makes the ropes and tilt-a-whirls out and clotheslines Saturn for two. Saturn throws punches, chops and a kick combo, then superkicks him on the other side as Lodi comes out with signs to distract everybody. “Saturn ruined my life!” indeed! Saturn goes out to tease hitting him, allowing Psychosis to hit a giant tope con hilo off the top, then missile dropkick him in the back of the head. Saturn tries to come back with punches, but Psychosis dropkicks him. Saturn counters him and suplexes him on the top rope to buy himself some time, but gets his leg dropkicked out and hits the floor. Psychosis eats shit trying a Guillotine Legdrop off the bottom rope to the floor, so Saturn nails a huge T-Bone Suplex in the ring, lariats him out of his boots and spins around like a maniac to set up the finish- Frog Splash ends it at (7:43), Psychosis kicking out exactly at “3” and confusing everyone- Saturn looking at the ref, Psychosis muttering something and a delayed hand-raise.

A solid, if ROUGH match, with Saturn showing some of why he was a bitch to wrestle- he won’t go down off regular shit and hangs onto guys, hauling them down by the head & neck, stiffing them, sandbagging things (a slam on the floor has Psychosis barely able to lift him), etc. None of that really affects the MATCH, but you saw some miscommunication off of things that can happen when lucha guys try more complicated stuff with Gringos. Saturn’s offense usually looked terrific, though- most of the punches looked good, and his Superkick/Overhead Suplex/Flying Move/Impact Finisher stuff is very prescient of modern wrestling- not a lot of guys sing his praises as an influence but he’s easily the most like modern wrestlers of anyone from 1998 short of Ultimo Dragon.

Rating: **1/2 (a bit of solid midcard fun)

HAIL (w/ Jimmy Hart) vs. MARTY JANNETTY:
(XWF, Nov. 13th 2001)
* Oh yes, it’s MORE HAIL, as Emory Hale, a Jimmy Hart project in 2000s WCW (where he was meant to be built into a threat to heroic babyface Hulk Hogan) is instead brought to a new failed venture, the XWF, for the same purpose. The XWF was an attempt at recapturing WCW with a more “family-friendly” atmosphere using WCW cast-offs (Tony Schiavone is on commentary), Hogan as the top star, Roddy Piper as commissioner, etc. They even took over the Universal Studios TV studio that would later host TNA. The company quickly failed, rendering the whole thing pointless. But he’s here against MARTY JANNETTY! Who’s wearing white trunks over black shorts and looks drugged (yeah, “looks”). Hail’s in black tights, not looking QUITE as beefy as his WCW self. Commentary is TONY SCHIAVONE AND JERRY LAWLER in their 2001 incarnations, which is a special kind of Commentary Hell.

Tony compliments Hail as having “the biggest chest I’ve ever seen in my life”- you can tell it’s a family-friendly show because Lawler has no response to that. Hail shoves Marty into the corner and jaws with the fans, then laughs off a top wristlock attempt, hauling him down. Hail does a backbreaker into a shoulderbreaker, then ends it with a Legdrop at (1:46), Tony not getting who this is sending a message to. Jannetty looked bored and checked out.

Rating: 1/4* (barely even a squash- just some basic moves)

THIS WEEK’S PWI 500 GUY: HELLRAISER HARK:
#500 appearance: N/A (#403 in 2002)

-Hellraiser Hark looks like what I imagine a lot of indie guys look like- a big, ponderously fat dude who doesn’t work out yet still wears a singlet. Cagematch says he was a Skandar Akbar trainee, and wrestled from 1993-2003, almost entirely for Texas micro-indies, like NWA Southwest and the Texas-based Xtreme Championship Wrestling- every clip I see is wrestled in front of 30 people in a high school gymnasium. He’s sorta tall (billed at 6’3″) and fat (283 lbs.) but looks like a guy the Steiners should be merking with Super DDTs or whatever, not someone who should be holding the NWA Southwest TV Title (TV!?!?! Don’t tell me any of this made TELEVISION!). Somehow, even THIS nonsense let him enter the PWI 500 one year, all the way up to #403. I always wonder how they decide which random indie losers end up where on the last 100 names, or so. It’s likely any amount of thinking about it is overthinking it but it amuses me.

STEEL CAGE MATCH:
TCW HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE:
HELLRAISER HARK vs. KEVIN DARK:
(April 26th 2002)
* Hark vs. Dark! This is from TCW, BEFORE it became XCW (Xtreme Championship Wrestling) according to the YouTube title. This video is so old they had to split 12 minutes of stuff into 2 videos. Dark looks hilariously bad- just a sorta portly, shapeless guy in a black singlet and a toque/winter hat (… indoors?). He’s stiff-legged with one leg kinda tied up, and apparently hates the sun. The announcer messes up Dark’s hometown and earns a “You fucked up!” chant for it. This is, in theory, a steel cage match- there is about 10 feet of chainlink fence on each side of the ring.

Dark strikes Hark before the bell, attacking him on the floor with punches! A few shots into the fence (which I should point out would not hurt) sets up a back elbow in the ring that has Hark deflecting FORWARDS. Kevin throws more punches but Hellraiser kicks him in the injured leg and stomps it a bunch, then hits a regular vertical suplex that Dark sells as AGONIZING. He stomps the leg some more but misses a charge into the fence, and Kevin throws him head-first into the steel pole between fences. Kevin punches him a bunch and works the forehead, working SUPER slow now, but Hellraiser eventually hits the knee again and butterfly suplexes him.

These guys are incredibly blown up, haha. Hellraiser goes into the cage, but punches low and hits a falling headbutt & DDT. He hits a dropkick but is so wiped by the experience he falls into the ropes and gets rolled up for two (lol going for flash-pins in a cage match). Hellraiser pulls Kevin off the ropes and works the knee, but Dark hits the single most embarrassing sunset flip I’ve ever seen in my life, leaping ONTO Hark’s back and having to shimmy down his body to try for the pin. Hark hits a snap suplex and works the leg again, then executes a really bad belly-to-belly suplex. Darkhits a kick to the gut and FALLS DOWN, and more slow-mo stuff sees Hark just casually do a kick to the gut and double-arms him, then instead of a DDT spins him in mid-air for a back bump (so… less devastating than a regular DDT) for the pin at (11:30). An exhausted Hark wins with what looks like a transition move.

DREADFUL, haha. There was hardly a single thing worth recapping in the whole “Steel Cage Match” (which consisted of maybe 5-6 instances of a guy getting flung into the fence and no actual bumps), no cheating or brutality to justify the stips, etc. It was worked around Kevin Dark’s leg injury yet he was the heel (I guess?) and every time Hellraiser hit him in the leg he’d scream and flop over, stunting the match’s momentum. Such as it was- they both got blown up REAL fast and were selling like they were dying after very little meaningful contact. All the moves were as plain as possible- weakly executed and brutally simple, as if they just took

Rating: DUD (what you’d imagine guys who took 2 classes of wrestling school and having to work for 11 minutes would look like)

THIS WEEK’S PWI #500: COREY STORM:
#500 appearance: 2019 (#500 in 2019)

-Corey Storm looks like a very “modern teenager” wrestler- all the images I have are of a kid with the now-omnipresent “Broccoli” haircut, short at the sides and piled high in curles on top, looking like a harmless dingus. He’s actually been around for ten years, debuting in 2016 and spending almost all his time in IWA Mid-South (which is apparently still a thing), though most of his YouTube content is from WCWO (… “Wild Championship Wrestling Outlaws”). He’s spent the past three years in Generation Next Pro-Wrestling, and now goes by Corey Calhoun, having graduated from the Nightmare Factory (which began in 2020, suggesting he got re-trained… judging by his early matches, THANK CHRIST). Later stuff has him looking a bit more polished and professional. From the looks of things, he sticks entirely to Kentucky and Indiana.

WCWO HEAVYWEIGHT (hah!) TITLE:
COREY STORM vs. JONATHON WOLF:
(Wild Championship Wrestling Outlaws)
* Every Storm match online is like 20 minutes long and features people I’ve never heard of, lol. Time to grab a random one and base my entire opinion off of it! Both guys look like they’re twelve years old, with that “broccoli head” haircut all the YOOTHS are wearing these days. Storm has blond hair piled up high and Wolf has a kinda curly ponytail and the ECW T-Shirt of Shame with three scratches on it like a Monster energy drink can, presumably to indicate his “wolf” name. Actually Storm’s keeping his shirt on, too.

Storm surprises him with a tope con hilo to start, then they expose the business with a terrible “let’s run REALLY FAST right past each other!” indie exchange, then Wolf thigh-slaps a knee into Storm’s face to “stun” him and… does the worst “forward-roll and bounce off the ropes into a cutter” I’ve ever seen- haahaha oh jesus this is so bad. Storm takes an awful shitcan bump as these two are clearly babying each other into stuff and are too clumsy to pull off the Ospreay style they’re going for. Wolf pulls up the mats (this early?) but Storm hits a punch, superkick and double-stomp to the back, all of which sound suspiciously like a hand slapping a bare thigh. He stomps him leaping off a chair, then does a double-stomp off the ropes (leaning against the wall of the building for balance). Storm takes his shirt off but takes a standing moonsault, overhead half-nelson suplex and running knee as Wolf is getting all his clumsy shit in, ending with a tombstone for two after he sits there for no reason. Are the fans chanting “Wolf’s a Brony!”? Wolf is now utterly blown up and wastes time farting around, a smash against the ring apron somehow exposes the business from 20 feet away. Wolf gets his own superkick and puts Storm up top for a fireman’s carry, but he escapes and Frankensteiners Wolf to the floor. Storm recovers and hits some clotheslines as we’re CLIPPED (?!?- it’s a 19-minute video!) to Wolf accidentally superkicking a ref wearing a toque but nonetheless clumsily rolling Storm up for the pin at (9:27 shown). Despite the clipping, we get a long liminal shot of Wolf wandering around ringside, then getting the mic and cutting an incomprehensible promo, then summons Shawn Kemp, a fat guy in a powder-blue singlet to clothesline Storm, then tombstone him. Oh my god that guy’s even SHORTER than Wolf- is he legit 12 years old?

hahahaha this was the WORRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSTTTTTTT and felt like punching down on 16-year old dorks trying to cosplay Ospreay performances, lol. Just clumsy, incompetent, sloppy and loose, openly cooperating and thigh-slapping, exposing the business left and right and showing that oh- criticize Will Ospreay and his ilk all you want (and I have), they could be a whole lot worse. Like at lease those guys are ATHLETIC and fairly snug.

Rating: DUD (This genuinely looks like someone did a Will Ospreay match as a High School class project. I’m not kidding)

NICE GUY ANDY PODCAST TITLE:
ADRIAN ALEXANDER (w/ Scott Diamond) vs. COREY CALHOUN:
(New South Wrestling, April 23rd 2023)
* Okay, in the INTEREST OF FAIRNESS, once I found his second name, I figured I’d check out more recent stuff. Here in 2023, he looks a bit older and more filled out, with floofier hair. He actually looks more intimidating than his opponent, who has noodle-arms and a belly. Yes, this is a belt named after the “Nice Guy Andy” podcast, whatever that is. Calhoun has REALLY high-waisted red trunks for some reason.

Alexander does evasive forward-rolls and poses like a douche, while commentary keeps bringing up how Calhoun rebranded himself and went to the Nightmare Factory (“and he was ALREADY a great wrestler!”) and he’ll certainly GO PLACES. Except he probably has a day job in Kentucky or Indiana. Alexander stalls an stalls, hanging out outside the ring until Calhoun gets distracted by the manager, then naturally pounces, headlocking him going “too easy!”. Adrain’s selling is quite good as he gets shoulderblocked to the floor and backdrop suplexed, flipping over on the landing. Calhoun does a Gory Stretch, spinning into a knee smash, Adrian grabbing the rope to break. Calhoun claps to set up a running charge in the corner… lightly bumping into him with his legs. Oh well. He misses another and Alexander hits him with a back-cracker, Finlay Roll and top-rope Vader Bomb for two. Calhoun goes to the eyes to come back, beating on Alexander outside the ring and hitting a short splash using the bottom rope- Diamond grabs the ref’s leg and amazingly doesn’t get disqualified. Calhoun goes for the CrossRhodes to establish his pedigree, but Diamond gets on the apron, distracting everyone and Alexander rolls him up with a handful of tights at (6:20) to retain. Hey, he’s not a very NICE GUY at all! That belt doesn’t belong to him!

Okay, MUCH better. In that it’s nothing great and not fancy, but not horribly embarrassing for the most part. Alexander seemed much better- less hesitant, better at selling, and very quick with his stuff. Too bad about that -1/10 look. Calhoun felt like Perfectly Acceptable Jobber with nothing really fancy. All the Ospreay Cosplay shit has been trained out of him, presumably.

Rating: * (generic indie match- half-stalling but otherwise fine)