Cactus Jack vs. Jumbo Tsuruta (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! And this week is a TREAT! Roy Lucier’s awesome All Japan channel is the gift that keeps on giving, as he pulls out all sorts of great obscurities, such as the singles match between Jumbo Tsuruta and CACTUS JACK during Mick Foley’s tour of AJPW in 1991! Two of the greatest and smartest workers in the history of the wrestling business- talk about a guaranteed ****+ MASTERPIECE, amirite?? Surely it’s not Jumbo in slack-ass mode with Foley as a jobber pin-eater!

Plus I got a great co-headliner- a FAT MAN STAND-OFF on Saturday Night’s Main Event, featuring King Kong Bundy vs. Uncle Elmer in the latter’s final WWF match! Will there be shoulderblocks? Will they be no-sold by virtue of obesity? READ AND FIND OUT! A look at the Dangerous Alliance era of WCW, as Larry “The Cruncher” Zbyszko, Beautiful Bobby & Arn Anderson take on “Heavy Metal” Van Hammer, Todd Champion and Firebreaker Chip! Then not one, but TWO Kaos vs. Bobby Duncum, Jr. matches on WCW Saturday Night, as the weird “Kenny Kaos Sorta Push While Other Stuff is Going On” continues! And finally, one of Dan Severn’s few WWF squashes, as he takes on jobber Al Phillips as “G.I. Bro” in 1998’s Shotgun Saturday Night! And finally, my PWI #500 series continues with none other than 2015’s entry, comedy indie wrestler Space Monkey!

CHAMPION CARNIVAL:
JUMBO TSURUTA vs. CACTUS JACK:
(All Japan, March 31st 1991)
* WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO JUMBO vs. CACTUS JACK A BATTLE OF TWO OF THE ALL-TIME GREATS! SURELY THIS WILL BE A MASTERPIECE G.O.A.T. BOUT FOR THE AGESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!! Except Foley isn’t great yet and it’s a Main Eventer taking on a rookie gaijin pin-eater as filler but WOO GUARANTEED ****+ AMIRITE?! Cactus is wearing a hilarious tiger-print tights singlet with a patchy fur coat, acting offended at the fans’ boos.

Cactus gets the first move, slugging away in a lockup, avoiding punches and actually going for overhand clubs, kicks and headbutts (selling the impact himself), naturally all while screaming, but once Jumbo absorbs a bunch of that he scores his trademark elbows, smashing Jack twice to get the crowd jacked up- Jumping Knee! Jack hits the mat, flopping like a fish with his legs crossed up like he’s totally stunned. He comes back in the corner and dumps Jumbo to boos, but hits the floor and goes FLYING over the guardrail on a whip-reversal, nearly smoking the front row of fans and leaving them delighted as they flee the chaos. Mick of course flops around multiple rows back (lol some fan wearing a mask is doing a comedy dance to the camera- 25 years ahead of “fans act like attention-drawing morons” stuff in the west- U.S. wrestling copies EVERYTHING). He grabs a chair before the ref takes it and Jumbo gets up top and builds his SmackDown! Meter and the crowd ERUPTS like they’re watching a huge main event. This fuckin’ guy. Jumbo hits an abdominal stretch but gets hiptossed out (didn’t quite get that ankle hooked around the shin! *tsk*) as Baba talks about the difficulties of Jack being so new and commentator guy says “How long would it take him to reach Jumbo’s class?”. Cactus dumps him again to draw wicked heat, pulls back the mats, and hits a backbreaker to set up the Elbow Off The Ring Apron! But he headlocks him and DAMN- eats a huge backdrop suplex on the concrete! Hoist by his own petard! And he struggles to the apron, where Jumbo preps the Jumbo Lariat and Foley takes one of those nasty-ass sideways hip-bumps onto the same floor. Jumbo hits another jumping knee in the ring, leaving Cactus staggered or a Backdrop Suplex to finish at (4:58).

A very “filler” kind of match, largely based around a bunch of bumps on the concrete- Mick usually shook up his matches a lot, but a recurring thing was pulling up the mats for purposes of MURDER but getting slammed into the concrete repeatedly because he was one of the only wrestlers crazy enough to do multiple bumps on un-mattered floors in a single match. Especially a random 5-minute Champion Carnival bout, haha. Jumbo only did his “greatest hits” and an abdominal stretch, too- I’ve heard that Mick told Dave Meltzer he felt Jumbo was “lazy”, and of course the Ace of the promotion is going to treat the jobber of the company in a low-ranked match as a night off, lol.

Rating: ** (barebones “just the hits” Jumbo match mixed with some huge Foley bumps and good selling)

BATTLE OF THE BIG BOYS:
KING KONG BUNDY vs. UNCLE ELMER:
(WWF Saturday Night’s Main Event, May 1st 1986)
* oh my god YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS- A FAT MAN STAND-OFF on SNME, with top heel (recently lost to Hogan at WrestleMania 2, where Elmer looked miserable doing a job to Adrian Adonis) King Kong Bundy taking on the “soon to be fired” indie fatass Plowboy Frazier as one of the Hillbillies. Brilliantly, they hype it up with an “official weigh-in”, in which Bundy weighs in at 460 pounds, and the porcine Elmer scarfs down “Uncle Elmer’s Fried Pig Parts” in a comically oversized bucket and refuses to put it down, but still weighs in at a spritely 430 pounds. Elmer does some half-hearted clapping and shuffling to “Country Boy”. Heenan puts over Bundy “this man is an ATHLETE!” and the only man ever to put Hulk Hogan in the hospital. “What has THIS man ever accomplished?” regarding Elmer, who is MASSIVELY taller and fatter than Bundy, who doesn’t have a gut so much as he is impossibly broad for a human being.

The two lock up, shoving each other off, and then… FAT GUY NO-SOLD SHOULDERBLOCK! Elmer doesn’t budge! Bundy of course sells this perfectly, yelling at the fans for cheering that he can’t move Elmer. He resorts to raking the eyes and throwing some overhand shots and kicks but oh my god Elmer is SO bad I can’t tell if he’s no-selling for a babyface pop or just because he sucks. Bundy starts choking away (“He looks like the Hindenberg in denim”- Heenan), then Elmer shakes his head a bit and lazily rolls onto his back. Elmer fires off some right hands to come back, groaning with effort but not gesturing to the fans or looking remotely fired up as Heenan panics on commentary (“Come on, Bundy! Don’t back up- don’t back up!”), then USES THE ASS, slamming his butt into Bundy’s midsection in the corner. Elmer hits an avalanche in the other corner! But Bundy is sure his man will win, and sure enough, Bundy dodges the next one so Elmer can take the softest corner bump in recorded history (not exactly Bret Hart on that front bump) and rolls backwards so he’s face-up and Bundy drops a simple elbow to pin him at (2:34). Easy night for Bundy!

You know, I’ve given it some careful deliberation, and I’ve come to the conclusion that Uncle Elmer is somewhat subpar as a worker. Not just big and fat, but he didn’t know how to sell “being big and immobile” improperly, and sold strikes so poorly I actually thought he was no-selling to draw the fans in and mark his comeback. Then he goes into the corner like THAT. At least Bundy had a pretty easy go of it- you lose no credibility selling the punches of such a giant, and absorbing an AVALANCHE from that man comes off as somewhat impressive. This was Elmer’s last ever WWF match

Rating: 1/2* (Elmer stiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinks)

Arn’s hilarious bug-eyed sell of the might of Van Hammer.

THE DANGEROUS ALLIANCE (Larry “The Cruncher” Zbyszko, Arn Anderson & Beautiful Bobby Eaton, w/ Paul E. Dangerously): vs. “HEAVY METAL” VAN HAMMER & THE PATRIOTS (Firebreaker Chip & Todd Champion):
(WCW Worldwide, Feb. 22nd 1992)
* More WCW insanity sees a bizarre three-man team of Firebreaker Chip (a runty but mega-roided shorty JTTS), Todd Champion (one of those “barely above jobber” guys who just utterly vanished from history) and VAN HAMMER, an infamously bad juice-monkey doing a rock star gimmick. And they’re up against the top heel team of 1992 WCW. Chip’s in a red singlet, Champion brown tights (AWFUL), Hammer black leather tights with white circle designs, Bobby white tights, Arn white trunks and Larry THE CRUNCHER in red trunks.

Larry works Hammer’s arm, but gets shoulderblocked down as I note that Larry’s one of those rare dudes who grunts in pain in his own recognizable voice (Davey-Boy Smith & Kevin Nash are some of the few others), and Hammer fires off more clotheslines as the Warrior comparison is really obvious. Hammer twists the arm and Chip hits an axehandle, so Arn comes in, doing a fun bit where he’s pushed back into the corner, dodges a charge and assumes Chip eats shit on the landing but ends up bludgeoned around like a boob and rolled up for two. Great “WHAT? WHERE DID HE GO!?” head-spin as Chip slides behind him- like a fuckin’ Looney Tunes villain getting outwitted. He cannot deal with the sheer talent of Chip, so tags in Bobby, who has to deal with Champion. Bobby gets one of his trademark punches but gets monkey-flipped- he tries his own but Champion spins around him to hit a wheelbarrow lift into a full nelson, pulling out Don Leo Jonathan offense! Thus establishing that all three babyfaces can embarrass all three heels. Arn slugs away on Van Hammer, who Warriors up and screams at him (GREAT bug-eyed sell of fear from Arn), hitting two atomic drops, but Arn yoinks his leg and smashes his knee against the post. Bobby does it next, and THE CRUNCHER works him over in the ring, but Bobby gets clotheslined down. Firebreaker Chip with the hot tag and everyone hits the ring for a brawl, but when Chip does an airplane spin into a Samoan drop, Bobby comes off the top with that move people are doing when they fly off the top onto a guy’s outstretched boot, and that’s the pin at (7:45). Very sudden win from the Dangerous Alliance.

A pretty quick TV bout- a LOT of that match-time was spent with guys talking strategy in the ring beforehand, so it’s likely only 6 minutes. Just enough time for each pairing to run a short sequence, a short bit of heat on Van Hammer, then Chip’s comeback into the finish. Not the strongest way for heels to win but good enough.

Rating: ** (mostly TV filler)

KAOS vs. BOBBY DUNCUM JR.:
(WCW Saturday Night, March 4th 1999)
* A main event in any arena in the country, it’s Kaos vs. Duncum! Kaos had recently been in a tag team with Bobby Eaton, but they split up and Kaos beat him (yes, really). Duncum was a failed TV Title contender they just threw into the West Texas Rednecks and never pushed again. Duncum gets the “BOOOOO!” sound overlay.

Kaos starts off throwing armdrags, angering Duncum, but suckers him in and hits a salto suplex of all things, trying to be a mini-Scott Steiner in here. Duncum hits the floor after a back elbow nails him, then there’s a very weird bit where he pulls Kaos by the leg and looks like he’s about to smash his knee into the ringpost… but instead doesn’t and just keeps punching him from a variety of positions, holding him there. Did he realize Kenny didn’t know how to do that spot or something? Or that they needed to kill more time while commentary talked about the stories of the day. Actually af riend pointed out that Duncum probably didn’t realize the stairs were in the way until it was too late not to do any of the spot and so just messed around, haha. Shoulderbreaker gets two. Restholds and the “walk & stomp” kill time, but Kaos catches him with a clothesline. Duncum recovers and hits a Vader Bomb elbow for two, but Kaos dodges him in the corner and hits a belly-to-belly suplex into his Springboard Clothesline to win at (4:25). Poor Duncum is jobbing to KAOS hahahaha. Kaos was kinda trying to be Scott Steiner in here (a salto? a belly to belly?) but it seemed mostly there to soak up some commentary time to discuss the angles of the day. The match was no good- just kind of messy, with Duncum using restholds in a 4-minute match and some clunky bits along with Kaos cosplaying Steiner.

Rating: *1/2 (barely good enough for Saturday Night)

KAOS vs. BOBBY DUNCUM JR.:
(WCW Saturday Night, April 24th 1999)
* A rematch! With the “Star Trek Logo” era WCW having begun and Saturday Night probably being taped before Thunder or something. Speaking of Steiner Cosplay, witness Kaos out here in the all-white singlet that Scott was wearing a couple years before as a babyface.

Duncum jumps Kaos to start, but Kenny immediately nails him, goes “HUH?” to the fans, then hits that salto again, this time dropping down to one knee, EXACTLY LIKE SCOTT STEINER USED TO. Like, he’s clearly copying him motion-for-motion here. He goes for the corner punches, but Duncum spinebusters him down and puts his feet on the ropes, getting caught by the ref. He argues the point and eats a gut-punch that is somehow enough to set him up for a fireman’s drop into a Guillotine Legdrop- two for Kaos. Duncum beats him up on the floor, but breaks the count and Kaos comes back, whipping him into the guardrail. Duncum hits him with a knee to the gut into a gutbuster, but in the lamest finisher ever, boots him and whips him off the ropes, getting taken down into an ugly cradle, Kaos using his master counter-wrestling skills for the pin at (3:22)!

Rating: * (just a filler bout to talk about some angles of the day- clunky and with a disinterested Duncum and Kaos trying his hardest to get the fans into it, failing)

Chyron guy’s having a good time, at least.

DAN “THE BEAST” SEVERN vs. G.I. BRO:
(WWF Shotgun Saturday Night, 07/11/1998)
* I just had to review this one. I have no idea who “G.I. Bro” is, as Booker T hadn’t been made to use that name in WCW yet. His chyron helpfully states “Likes to play with action figures” while the world’s most terrifying Freddie Mercury cosplayer heads down to the ring to murder him. His chyron? “Favorite Movie: Beauty & The Beast”. A MAN AFTER MY OWN HEART! Turns out G.I. Bro is lifelong jobber Al Phillips in one of his last matches (he wrestled from 1991-1998).

Immediately you see the issue with Severn, as he whips off his wet sweatshirt to reveal a stocky, un-toned physique, roars like a weirdo and stomps forward… into a collar-and-elbow tie-up. He pushes G.I. Bro into the ropes and hits a soft European uppercut into a headlock, then shoves that into a bulldog. Then he “mauls” him on the mat with basic chinlockery & clutches while Jim Cornette tries to baby fans into accepting Severn as “not a veteran” who is unused to dirty tricks and interference but can beat anyone. Dan nearly goes for a fireman’s takeover (a move he tended to spam A LOT) but switches to a go-behind, takes Bro down, and the guy is having some issues dealing with the offense because he’s just lying there waiting for Dan to do stuff and Dan is like “okay guess I’ll sit on him and twist his head”. Some feather-light strikes in the corner draw a warning from the ref, Bro using the distraction to poke the eyes. He throws some punches but Dan whips him off the ropes and “spears” him, then just open-hand chokes with a crazy look on his face, then hits a nasty-looking German Suplex and turns it into his insanely vicious finisher, locking an arm and a leg and just bending him in half while roaring (2:31).

Severn’s stuff is something I’ve always WANTED to like, but it never quite “lands” the way it should. His actual fearsome persona is hard for him to translate into “working”, so it always comes off as kinda fraudulent and faking it, and I think fans instinctively respond to that. Like it comes off as awkward, hesitant and mis-timed. So it LOOKS LIKE something that should be awesome- this terrifying dad-bod guy rushing in and mauling someone like a grizzly bear. But it just never quite looks like he’s actually killing a guy, but stumbling in, trying not to hurt him while doing moves that IRL would hurt, stop & starting, then remembering “oh yeah I’m supposed to growl occasionally”. Bro seemed to do okay, but was often sitting there waiting for whatever Dan was gonna do.

Rating: 1/2* (kind of messy and worked too lightly- 2/5 on the squash scale)

THIS WEEK’S PWI #500: SPACE MONKEY (aka Cymbal Monkey, Kip Morst, Kip Moist):
#500 appearance: 2015 (#500 in 2015, #485 in 2016, #474 in 2017, #469 in 2018, #431 in 2019)

-*sigh*. So Comedy Wrestlers have always kinda been a thing, but are particularly recurrent on the modern indies, because you can train just a little bit, working 3-5 matches a year, and go “COMEDY GIMMICK!!!” and it means you don’t really have to improve or do anything. Other guys probably like wrestling you because it means comedy schtick instead of multiple bumps or like, HARD WORK. I mean I get the point of comedy wrestling but most of this shit ends up looking like “the last 20 minutes of Saturday Night Live” and a 2-minute gag stretched across an entire career, like the guy who wrestlers while twirling pizza. Space Monkey for example has been at this TEN YEARS doing this gimmick all over the indies (he’s got one of those “Career” sections on CageMatch that’s a mile wide cuz he’s all over the place- in 2019 he wrestlers in FORTY-ONE promotions that I can see). He’s short and skinny with no physique to speak of, and wears a monkey mask that sorta looks like a grimacing simian as the chin is exposed and he tends to flash his bottom teeth as a default expression. He’s billed at 5’9″ but THERE AIN’T NO WAY, as he’s noticeably shorter than the entire front row of stuff I’m seeing. He appears well-acquainted with Ethan Page & MJF, with repeated matches for both (as Kip Morst, he jobbed to MJF on AEW Collision once). He looks to at least be athletic, though! So he’s not entirely a “hides behind a gimmick bcuz he sucks” dude.

SPACE MONKEY vs. “ALL EGO” ETHAN PAGE:
(Glory Pro Wrestling, 20.08.2017)
* Yes I went looking for singles matches and it was either this or old “Speedball” Mike Bailey matches. Page is kind of a guy who reminds me of the 1990s indies- utterly bland but very much a “WWF/E Style” wrestler in that he’s tall-ish and good sized instead of scrawny and flippy. Page at this point is actually very doughy. Fans throw banana into the ring, with Monkey excitedly gathering them up into a plastic bag while Page does pratfalls trying to bat them away. Monkey doffs his spacesuit and space helmet before the match, revealing a grey bodysuit and his tail wrapped around his waist like a Saiyan. Oh, never mind- he lets it loose.

Space Monkey starts hot, throwing “monkey paws” after a Thesz Press, then dropkicking Page. He goes for a Monkey Flip (well I guess I shouldn’t be surprised) but fails, ending up with a Moonsault Press for two instead. Well he’s acrobatic at least! As I say that, it looks like he’s trying really hard to not slip on his shoes while doing a Low-Ki upside-down kick, but Page hits a “thigh slap” superkick and the Jericho dropkick to put him on the floor. Page wastes too much time and takes an Asai moonsault, but Monkey spins around his tail and tries to whip Page with it, but SMASHES IT INTO THE POST OH THE HUMANITY! But he quickly shoves Page into the post, no-selling this grievous injury, then does a tornado DDT on the ring apron from the ground, bonking Ethan’s head on the apron. In the ring, that gets two, but both end up chasing the other into the corner for strikes, until Ethan fakes him out and does a Test-style pump kick for two. Page can’t get a spinning Rock Bottom (this IS an indie match!), Monkey gets another Ki kick, but he springboards into the Bottom, flipping out of it and spinkicking him and trying a Lionsault… but Page gets caught up in the ropes and has to spring out with a Diamond Cutter for two. Very “openly cooperating” for that bit. Page is blown up to hell after all that, so they waste a BUNCH of time, Monkey flopping down to sell, then he jumps on Page’s shoulder and SPIKES him with a rana. Holy shit- had to double-check and it took slomo for me to catch Page handstanding and I don’t think he actually hit his head. Monkey hits a flying cannonball for two. He goes for a superplex on the VERY huffy-puffy Ethan, who turns it into a Super Bodyslam (that’s… rare!) and a Swanton Bomb, getting two with SHOCKED KICKOUT FACE~~, and Space Monkey crucifixes him for the pin at (7:41)!

Very “Indie match in front of 50+ people”, with a lot of flips and flops and thigh-slapping, but not actually THAT bad- you could tell both guys at least had some training and weren’t clumsy indie dorks but actual professionals. Not that it was GOOD or anything, as there was a lot of cooperation and “all MOVEZ” but I was expecting way more comedy schtick. Ethan Page getting SEVERELY blown up 4 minutes into an 8-minute match is kinda funny, but at least that forces them to sell for a bit, haha.

Rating: *1/2 (inoffensive goofy indie match- plenty of flipz and movez but lots of co-op and soft stuff with a couple good bumps)