WWF SmackDown! Rewind: 10.07.99 – “Jarrett Enterprises Presents Mud Wrestling”

Previously on SmackDown: The Rock stole the show as the referee of a Triple H/British Bulldog WWF Title match and stole the actual belt as he left. Stone Cold attacked Triple H backstage, a large amount of women attacked Jeff Jarrett, and Val Venis ended the show with both the jacket and the Socko of The Rock to the dismay of Mankind.

Vince McMahon narrates a video package on the life and legacy of Robert James Marella, the great Gorilla Monsoon. In memory of Robert James Marella, “Gorilla”: 1937-1999.

Fireworks explode towards the Ovaltron as we celebrate SmackDown at the Nassau Coliseum in Long Island, New York. We’re taped and on UPN. Michael Cole promises an electric night. We are officially in the post-Russo era as he signed with WCW a few days earlier.

X-Pac & Kane vs Viscera & Mideon

We begin with the organs of Kane and X-Pac’s Hansen’s Energy Drink. X-Pac is trying to prove that he can “hang in the land of giants” and starts the match with Mideon. Mideon clotheslines X-Pac and tags in big Viscera, X-Pac denying the tag and getting tossed around. X-Pac falls to a Samoan drop, Kane making the save. X-Pac dodges some strikes by Mideon and again waves off tagging Kane who tags himself in anyway. Kane dropkicks Viscera and chokeslams Mideon for the easy pin. X-Pac gives us anger towards Kane as the Acolytes appear to beat them down. At No Mercy, it’ll be a four-way with Kane vs X-Pac vs Bradshaw vs Faarooq.

Kane pins Mideon, X-Pac and Kane defeat Viscera and Mideon. The story here mostly made X-Pac look like a jerk which is maybe what happens when you live off Hansen’s Energy Drink. It wasn’t very good, not that I was expecting a Mideon tag team match to be a classic.

Kevin Kelly is with The Rock. Rock says the British Bulldog is a “blemish on The Rock’s buttocks” and makes fun of Bulldog’s bark. At No Mercy, he will whip Bulldog’s candy ass. Right now there’s a more pressing issue and that is Val Venis running around with Mr. Rocko shoved in his crotch. “That is like blowing your nose on the Constitution, wiping your ass with the American flag.” Rock threatens to lay the smack down on Val’s candy ass as well.

Tonight, an update on the medical condition of Stephanie McMahon, Road Dogg vs Hardcore Holly, and Jeff Jarrett Enterprises presents the first-ever WWF mud wrestling match. Oh boy. Stone Cold is setting his sights on Triple H as well. We see a sign that says “Warning: Poisonous Snakes.”

Lilian Garcia catches up with Mankind. He says if Rock is taking on his battles, he’ll take on Rock’s by facing Bulldog. Have a nice day!

WWF World Tag Team Champion Road Dogg (with Mr. Ass) vs Hardcore Holly (with Crash Holly)

This follows up on the Hollys attacking the New Age Outlaws last week. They’ll defend the belts against the Hollys at No Mercy. Hardcore hits a beauty of a dropkick on Road Dogg and chokes him on the ropes. Crash gets in some cheap shots as Hardcore distracts the ref. Dogg runs into a nice slam but kicks out at two as Cole wonders who will be in the mud wrestling match. “I would imagine females, wouldn’t you think,” questions Lawler. Well of course. Crash stomps on Dogg as the referee is busy arguing with Mr. Ass. Hardcore leaps into a big boot and gives the shimmy punches and the knee drop. Dogg tries a pump handle, Crash runs through and distracts him and lets Hardcore set up for a slam and a pin.

Hardcore Holly pins Road Dogg. This was five minutes of BORING. Even the crowd was mostly not into it. The Hollys and Outlaws brawl afterwards of course.

Let’s take a look at Mark Henry’s first sex therapy session. Why not. You’ll be shocked to learn that his therapist is a gorgeous woman. She asks when his first sexual encounter and he tries to feel her up. He was eight and it was with his sister. The most recent time with her was the day before yesterday. “We’ve got a lot of work to do,” says the therapist. Yes. Yes we do. We take a look at the mud wrestling ring and Lawler hits his highest tone about Henry’s possible incestuous moments.

WWF Intercontinental Champion Jeff Jarrett, in waders, and Miss Kitty join us. Tonight, SmackDown is brought to you by Dino Crisis, Skittles and Lugz. Standing in the mud ring, Jarrett says “I have found a place for the women of the WWF, mud wrestling.” Later tonight courtesy of Jarrett Enterprises, Miss Kitty – much to her surprise – will be getting it on in this ring. The only way to win is not by pinfall but ripping your opponent’s top off because we’re extra classy here. He promises to show Chyna no mercy at No Mercy. Lawler says the mud pit is hotter than a litter box which… yeah. I hope so.

Terry Taylor is with the British Bulldog. All Bulldog cares about is the WWF Title, not The Rock, Stephanie McMahon or Mankind. “If I have to cripple him tonight to get this title shot, I’ll do so.” Mankind attacks and they brawl.

We find a room full of snakes. Sure.

Terri Invitational Tournament Match #3, Texas Tornado Rules: Edge & Christian vs The New Brood (Matt & Jeff Hardy)

Edge and Christian won a second match on Raw, going up 2-0 in this best of five series. Gangrel is absent tonight but the Hardys still enter with the ring of fire. Terri Runnels comes out to tell us that she wants to shake things up by making it a Texas Tornado match. That’s all they need to hear as all four men go at it. Edge drops Christian onto Matt for a two count. The Hardys double suplex Edge for a two. Lots going on here and none of it is bad. Lawler is busy hooting and hollering over the possibility of Terri being in the mud wrestling match and both women having their tops pulled off because who cares about wrestling. Jeff jumps off the barricade onto Christian. Christian hits a dual backdrop on the Hardys and Jeff runs right into a spear, Matt breaking the pin. Edge & Christian hit a stacked suplex on Matt, Jeff Senton Bombs Christian and tosses Edge out to get the pin.

Jeff Hardy pins Christian, The Hardys move to 1-2 in the Terri Invitational Tournament. This was good. Of course. Lawler’s commentary was a detriment to it but it was an enjoyable match.

Val Venis pulls his shirt off, unzips his jeans and slides out Mr. Rocko, fondling it because he’s a weird ass.

Mud Wrestling Match: Miss Kitty vs Ivory

Jeff Jarrett has added a raincoat to his outfit since we last saw him. He would like the WWF Women’s Champion Ivory to get a look at it as she brings dignity to the company. Kitty is going with a bikini for this as Jarrett tosses her opponent, Ivory, face-first into the mud. Kitty pulls off Ivory’s dress as Jarrett talks about dirt and mud being the lowest things on each much like women. We get the gratuitous camera shots of thongs covered in mud as Ivory snatches off Kttiy’s top and Kitty covers up, Ivory pitching a fit at being in the mood and Lawler having an orgasm on commentary. Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young come out, and Jarrett knocks them both into the mud as well. As Jarrett goes up the stairs to the ramp, Chyna appears from behind and boots Jarrett right into the mud.

WWF Women’s Champion Ivory defeats Miss Kitty in a Mud Wrestling Match. I mean yes, there were a lot of things wrong with this, and I don’t think you need a full breakdown from ME about it. This was the state of the women’s division in 1999. It sucked. Chyna was very over though and her sitting down behind Jarrett and booting him in the mud was cool. If Rock was the coolest thing on the show in its start, she was probably the second coolest.

Michael Hayes is with Shane McMahon at the Connecticut Medical Center. He’ll have an update on Stephanie as we look back at the UK-only Rebellion event, Bulldog tossing a trash can that happened to be right in Stephanie’s direction. Shane says that Stephanie’s condition is improving but she’s still suffering from amnesia and the wedding has been postponed. Shane scowls at the mention of some of Bulldog’s recent comments.

British Bulldog vs Mankind

No Mercy is presented by Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver by EIDOS Interactive! EIDOS would eventually merge into Square Enix. Bulldog attacks Mankind early and they brawl outside. Mankind bounces off the announce table and over the ring stairs. Bulldog grabs a chair and hits Mankind right over the head, the referee watching and letting things just continue because reasons. Bulldog drives Mankind again into the stairs, rolling him in for a two count. Bulldog works a headlock. Mankind DDTs Bulldog and calls for Socko. As he loads it up, Bulldog shoves the referee into Mankind and then whips him into the ref. After the bell rings, Mankind and Bulldog brawl into the crowd.

British Bulldog and Mankind wrestle to a no contest. This was not very interesting. Mostly just Mankind taking a beating. Pass.

The room of mysterious snakes and bad snake sound effects is still here!

Earlier this week, Jim Ross joins Stone Cold Steve Austin on a hunting trip. Austin shoots a pumpkin with a picture of HHH on it. You can see JR’s wife Jan in the background of a few of the weirdly shot scenes, so maybe they did a friendly hunting trip with a few minutes of WWF shooting.

WWF Champion Triple H walks into the snake room and goes into one of the tanks as we take a commercial. That dastardly Helmsley.

Big Show vs Big Boss Man

Cole announces that Lawler went backstage to check on Kitty, so maybe we do win here. Cole gives us an update on Droz and a prognosis for recovery won’t be known for days. This would be the taping where he was injured accidentally against D’Lo Brown, ending his career and changing his life forever. The Ovaltron doesn’t have the SmackDown logo and the ceiling banners are covered with generic WWF logos, so this was probably not originally going to air on the show before they had to edit out Droz-D’Lo. Show tosses Boss Man into the corner, Boss Man battles back with boots and right hands. Boss Man actually hits a Boss Man Slam on Show who tosses him across the ring after a two count. Boss Man night sticks Big Show and that’ll end our match. Show still gets some chokeslams.

Big Show defeats Big Boss Man by disqualification. This wasn’t good either. We’re at a weird point for both men as Boss Man is still kicking around in the end of the Al Snow stuff and Big Show is floating around as his mentor Undertaker is “suspended.”

HHH is talking in the snake room and holding one. He puts the snake in a burlap bag, puts it on the ground, we cut away from the bag for a bit, and HHH grabs his trusty sledgehammer and hammers the bag. That poor bag. It had a family.

Triple H comes out on the ramp with the bag which is now covered with blood which definitely wasn’t there twenty seconds ago. He promises to send Austin back in a body bag at No Mercy as well.

Terry Taylor chases HHH and says it was a disgusting display. Val Venis comes up with some thought instead, telling Rock that he’s taking him to Planet Reality tonight. Yeah, Val hasn’t been on that planet in about a decade. Mankind attacks Venis, Bulldog attacks Bulldog and the ref squad breaks it all up. Chaos in Long Island! Rock passes by and Mick asks him “to win one time for the Micker.” Rock walks back up. “Who the hell is the Micker?”

No Disqualification Match: The Rock vs Val Venis

Val “gets more tail than a toilet seat,” notes Lawler who has unfortunately returned. They brawl around ringside and into the crowd. Val has mud on his back, though I’m not sure how it got halfway across the arena. Rock hooks a headlock, Val ducks out and heads down the ramp only to be clotheslined by Rocky. Rock bounces Val off the entrance set, Val clotheslines Rock onto the steep ramp. Rock suplexes Val onto the ramp. They brawl around and Rock is shoved into the ring post. Rock gives us some commentary and spits some juice into Val’s face as we keep brawling around.

Back in the ring, Val stomps away and hooks on a long headlock. Lawler calls Venis the “Most Erectifying Man.” Rock hits a Perfect-Plex on Val for a two which is impressive. Bulldog runs into a powerslam for a two. Now that we’ve passed the brawling portion, the in-ring part is pretty impressive. That said, Venis goes for a chair and out runs Mankind. He grabs the chair and swings for Venis who ducks, Rock getting hit instead. Val covers for a two, Mankind locks on Socko until he is crotch kicked. Rock Rock Bottoms Mankind and then Val, getting the three. We go off the air with Rock and Mankind arguing. “Is the Rock ‘n Sock Connection exploding,” yells Michael Cole.

The Rock pins Val Venis. The first half, the brawling portion, was boring. Once they actually started in-ring, it was a lot of fun.

This was a step down from last week but still above the low-water mark of the week before that. Most of the matches weren’t particularly good outside of Edge & Christian vs the Hardys in 1999, something impossible to be bad. The Jarrett stuff drags on, and mud wrestling was certainly a choice. After last week’s exciting main event confrontation, this week we just have Austin shooting pumpkins while HHH is smashing snakes.