Idiotic Indie Stuntshow Ladder Matches (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time, I have a double-whammy of spectacular idiot indie wrestling, as both Maffew & Manjiimmortal gave me terrible indie spotfests to review! Both ladder matches! It’s Hell Storm vs. Crazy Crusher (a Quebecois indie guy with wins over AJ Styles & Kevin Owens) in a 26-minute Jackass-tier match, and Chri$ Ca$h vs. Joker in Combat Zone Wrestling’s Cage of Death V in 2003!

Then it’s a FAT MAN STAND-OFF, as the great Phil Hickerson is back at it, as he teams up with Giant Hillbilly (Plowboy Frazier/Uncle Elmer) against Fire & Flame… two obese Southern heels in garish red & yellow outfits! I love it! Also it’s the Smoking Gunns up against the Heavenly Bodies in 1994 WWF! And finally, more 1997 WWF lucha, as Super Nova & El Mosco are sent out there to fill time on WWF RAW! Maybe one of the most obscure RAW matches you’ll find!

AWA SOUTHERN TAG TEAM TITLES:
FIRE & FLAME vs. PHIL HICKERSON & GIANT HILLBILLY:
(Memphis, Aug. 23rd 1986)
* OH MY GOD not only do I get a Phil Hickerson appearance to review, it’s a FAT MAN STAND-OFF!!! Fire & Flame are the AWA Southern Champs and doing a thing where they have to wrestle a mystery team every week. This annoys both of them. Fire & Flame are wearing masks and grotesque 1980s WWF-style matching tag gear, with red bodysuits with fire on the thighs and YELLOW SINGLETS on top- it’s fucking beautiful. Speaking of, here comes fat-tittied Hickerson in blue tights, with Giant Hillbilly and OH HELL YES IT’S UNCLE ELMER!! Elmer can barely get on the ring apron.

Hickerson charges in and immediately beats up the rounder masked man (who I dub Flame… later commentary proves me right) with overhead elbows and boots, sending him scurriying out for Fire to complain “That man’s a NUT!”- they OBJECT to this, but Eddie Marlin (the “booker”) says if they leave now, they’ll have to leave the AWA Belts behind, cuz they’ll LOSE ’em! So the poor heels are sent back to face the insane Hickerson, who shrugs off Flame’s shots and sends him careening across the ring with one punch, and Elmer pops him one from the apron. “Fire and Flame are OUTWEIGHED in this match- can you believe that?”. Fire takes over, immediately going to the eyes and firing off headbutts. He tears off a bandage Hickerson had on, and the heels work the cut. Double back elbow puts him down, and the worst legdrop ever from Fire gets only one. Phil is staggered, but still standing, lolling his head around as Fire works him over, but he ducks a second double-elbow and clotheslines both fatties down! Hillbilly comes in and whips Flame into the corner, but a bloody-faced Hickerson whips Fire around outside and I see where this is going- Hillbilly lands a big legdrop as Hickerson throws Lance Russell’s chair onto Fire and that’s a Double Count-Out at (2:37). Hillbilly grabs a BOOT at bonks Flame with it while Fire takes a ride across the table and then gets UNMASKED, revealing Roger Smith (who is apparently Dirty Rhodes, not that I know who that is, either). Giant Hillbilly comes over and bangs the boot on the desk threateningly, demanding a No-DQ match! I wanna buy a ticket to see a rematch in the arena!

Few people define the “UNREASONABLE MEN MAKING IMPULSIVE DECISIONS” nature of pro wrestling like the madman Phil Hickerson.

Another interview later and out come an INCENSED Fire & Flame, Fire now hiding his identity behind a black hood. He calls Eddie Marlin a SCOUNDREL for demanding they put their masks up in a rematch, but calls out Hickerson and HERE HE COMES- this very unreasonable man comes flying in with a chair from off-camera and Hillbilly comes in, STILL HOLDING THE BOOT, and screams incoherently.

Rating: 1/2* (your standard super-short “immediate brawl to a Fuck Finish” TV match- easy not for Uncle Elmer, who barely did a thing. Good selling and maddened brawling by Hickerson)

Like a lot of people, I was taken aback by Billy Gunn’s height in AEW. But up against other short wrestlers, you can really see it, even back then.

THE SMOKING GUNNS (Billy & Bart Gunn) vs. THE HEAVENLY BODIES (“The Doctor of Desire” Tom Prichard & “The Gigolo” Jimmy Del Ray, w/ Jim Cornette):
(WWF All American, Sept. 19th 1993)
* A match between the two midcard teams of the WWF’s fading tag division in late 1993- the Gunns had been in the same position for ages, while hte Bodies had only been on the scene since after WrestleMania. They were right outta SMW and doing flashy Midnight Express-style double-teams, but were very short and doughy by WWF standards- the WWF was such a “big” company that I distinctly remember even the GUNNS looking like normal-sized dudes, but even the smaller one (Billy) looks like a giant next to the Bodies. And dig those nicknames, haha- I haaaaated their ridiculous assertions as a kid, but now I see the beauty in amazingly bullshit heel nicknames. The more incredibly horseshit the nickname, the better. “Gigolo” Jimmy Del Ray! “Beautiful” Bobby Eaton! “The Guy Who’s Never Been Banned From Disney World For Taking Pictures of Women’s Feet” Jabroniville!

Extra points for the heels bailing from the ring in terror when the Gunns start firing off their pistols. Gorilla Monsoon asserts Jim Cornette MUST be colorblind with his pink double-knit pants. Bill starts off with Prichard, completely towering over him, and quickly wins a criss-cross and hits dropkicks on both Bodies- it’s weird seeing these two play “Rock N Roll Express” with quick dropkicks and double-teams instead of overpowering their tiny opponents. Comes off kinda stiff, too. Speaking of, Bart gets double-teamed by the Bodies but Billy runs in and they make Jimmy ass-slam Tom in the corner, then Billy leaps in for a monkey-flip. But Tom ends up going into the other corner and Bart’s slammed into him, and when the Gigolo charges in for the same move, he ends up monkey-flipping his own partner when Bart moves. Cuz… physics? Did he press the “Attack” button already and it was too late? Cornette would have lost his shit if someone did that on AEW- you know it! Back from break with the Gunns double-fist-dropping Del Ray, then hitting a double-Russian legsweep (awkwardly stopping his charge so they can both turn around and do the move)- Prichard sneaks in and headlocks Bart down when Del Ray takes his leg. Prichard with a suplex & dumps him so Del Ray can hit a somersault ass-slam off the apron, then an odd double-team where Del Ray holds Bart in a front facelock so Prichard can clothesline Del Ray to cause a DDT. But Del Ray’s flying headbutt misses and Billy gets the tag- he back-elbows both Bodies and cleans house, but the Gunns set up their finisher and Cornette blasts Bart with the tennis racket, and Del Ray ends up flung right onto him, Billy going off to fight Prichard and missing the pin at (6:09)- the Bodies steal one!

A good indication of the Gunns’s spot on the roster- the Heavenly Bodies were lame-duck Tag Title challengers at SummerSlam, but are re-heated a bit by scoring an unfair win over the midcard team. The match was fine, if a bit interesting mainly because of how odd everyone’s positions were. The Bodies were heels taking humiliation moves and double-teams despite the MASSIVE size difference, with the Gunns being made to do offense that looks kinda clunky with two such tall, lanky guys trying to keep up the pace and do repeated dropkicks & double-teams. Obviously you don’t want the Bodies doing flashy stuff that guys over or looking too sympathetic for taking on big bullies, but it’s hard to get past how stiff the Gunns looked trying all this stuff. Maybe it was wearing the “jeans”?

Rating: ** (fine but troubled)

SUPER NOVA vs. EL MOSCO:
(WWF RAW, March 31st 1997)
* Yes, more WWF Lucha! Their half-hearted efforts continue with guys they never bother to introduce to the audience (Mosco stuck out so little I remember less of him than like… Lizmark Jr. and Villano V in WCW). So half-hearted that they bring out SUNNY for commentary, in their “well we gotta give her SOMETHING to do!” attempts. El Mosco’s mask is obviously mosquito-based, looking at it here- the giant pointed nose. Nova SPRINTS to the ring and slides in, real “Push me!” energy, but all commentary talks about is the Bret/Owen/Bulldog reunion in the previous segment. WWF cares so little about the luchadores they get a way taller ref to cover it.

They trade armdrags and armholds as commentary is only talking about upcoming house shows haha- they gave these poor fuckers the DEATH SLOT. Super Nova rolls Mosco backwards and hits a belly-to-belly, but Mosco just kinda gets up and boots him. He hits a wheel kick, but misses one in the corner and takes the “upside-down” bump, then Nova does a good run up into the corner and backflips off, hitting a powerslam for two. But he jumps on Mosco’s shoulders for no reason and gets splatted while Sunny gives Vince Spanish tips on commentary. But Mosco stands in the corner and jaws with the fans, Nova sneaking up behind him with a slingshot sunset flip powerbomb. Sunny leaves for the Spanish commentary table while Vince calls out Nova missing a flying headscissors (Mosco sells it anyways), then Nova baseball slides under Mosco, trips him on the apron, then hits a dive through the ropes into a somersault senton. Back in, Mosco immediately recovers, misses a droipkick, but dodges a run-up corkscrew cannonball, Nova eating shit on the landing. Mosco hits a powerbomb into an Arabian Moonsault (the Sabu one) for three at (3:54).

Like most WWF lucha matches, it’s more a collection of moves than a well-constructed match, but at least this one made more sense and had some selling. A BIT- Mosco ate a huge floor move and was up running pretty quick. Giving two nobodies 4 minutes to fill time isn’t the best use of them, especially as the flashiest guy was the one losing. Obviously this wasn’t really intended to get over- you put Rey Mysterio out there on March 31st 1997, you let him win and on April 1st 1997 he’s one of your ten most popular guys, you know? Super Nova ain’t Rey Mysterio. Doesn’t sell and his flips, while flippy, don’t have the speed or intensity to dazzle the fans.

Rating: *3/4 (perfectly fine “exhibition” with selling and execution issues)

Me preparing to punch down at indie matches.

A friend described the left dude as “AIDS Billy Kidman” and I can’t un-see it now.

LADDER MATCH:
CRAZY CRUSHER vs. HELL STORM:
(Elite Wrestling Revolution- Brutal Carnage, 12/19/2004)
* Because Manjiimmortal dared me to, here’s a review of some indie spotfest Ladder Match between two guys I don’t know from a promotion I never heard of! Neither of these guys made it out of Eastern Canadian indies. A YouTube comment says that they are brothers, which I will treat as absolute fact. Crazy Crusher’s Cagematch bio indicates he wrestled from 2001-2007. He… oh my god, haha- he holds wins over Kevin Steen and AJ Styles! Poor bastards had to come to this promotion and do jobs. Hell Storm’s name is the dreaded “black letters on Cagematch”. Both of them look very much like “random skinny dude off the street” and Crazy Crusher is shorter than the ENTIRE FRONT ROW, hahaha. Hell Storm is shirtless and in shorts, revealing a bone-thin physique made worse by his oversized head and prominent beaky nose- like this man has taken many a swirlie in his day. Crusher has the ECW T-Shirt of Shame and long black pants. EWR itself is one of many fly by night quick failures in indie wrestling- it lasted less time than a Billy Gunn singles push (2004-2005).

They start off with a FIERCE LOCKUP, stomping about and it gets so intense they roll out to the floor in it, then Storm gets some “Nyah!” elbows against the railing. Storm puts Crusher into the ladder but gets whipped into the ramp and that’s all it takes for Crusher to pick up the ladder and do a ramp-run charge that nails Hell Storm and puts him into the ring. Lol we’re doing ladder attacks already? Crusher sets up a HUGE 20′ ladder up on the floor and uses it to dive onto Storm in the ring, sending the guy into the “Mamaluke Bump”, rolling over his own neck. That was the second move of the match, lol. Crusher sets up a smaller ladder in the corner but instead they do a hideous corner sequence with “near-falling” and then “he falls early and they tangle up and try to reposition”- see this is what happens when you just plan out your spots and never like… learn to actually wrestle the in-between stuff. Finally Hell Storm catches him with a wheelbarrow German into the ladder. Storm goes for the belt but gets tipped over, as does Crusher. Storm takes forever to set up a ladder on the floor so gets jawjacked using a big plastic chair, then Crusher boots it while his head is against the seat. They each try to slam each other into the outside ladder, but Storm gets whipped into it and runs up it, wobbles on the top rope, then leaps onto the inside ladder and nearly gets the belt, getting shoved off in a vicious landing. They fight up the ladder and Storm actually hits a piledriver from the ladder ONTO THE TOP TURNBUCKLE, sending both spiraling to the floor in a bump that could have gone massively south. Except it looked like stupid ass because Storm clearly leaped sideways, sat on the top rope so it looked like he deliberately hurt himself, then both fell to the floor.

Storm recovers first and climbs, but gets knocked off and the ladder’s dropkicked into his nuts (I’m impressed the ladder landed in PERFECT position for the move). Crusher then ignores him for like half a minute so he can slowly pull a second ladder into the ring, then whacks him a couple times with it, then puts it AROUND himself for no reason and climbs up all clumsy-like, meaning that when Storm chases after him, he’s whipped off and takes a HUGE impact because the ladder hit the mat first, jolting his ribs. lmao he very obviously leaped off on purpose and there was no reason to have the ladder around his body other than to do that spot. The camera guy gets in close enough to see Crusher communicating with Storm, then zooms out so Storm can spend a full minute setting up the next spot- bending Crusher over backwards through the ladder rungs while setting it upright, then sloowwwwllly climbing using another ladder for balance and then swinging that ladder down into Crusher’s face. Storm climbs, but gets crotched on the top rope, way over-selling as the camera zooms in. They fight up top, Crusher now sprinting around despite the huge offense done to him, and Crusher hits a clumsy Sunset Flip Powerbomb off the ladder, falling sideways. Crusher spends a minute and a half fucking around with ladders, then changes his mind and goes outside, suplexing Storm off the railing back-first onto the upright chairs in the “crowd”. Storm sufficiently dead, Crusher forgoes the obvious win by spending, I swear to god, TWO ENTIRE MINUTES setting up the next spot, playing Kinex with ladders as he even gets two goddamn referees to help him readjust his work, finally ending up with an upright ladder on top of a ladder that’s draped between the top rope and the other ladder.

It takes them two minutes and two referees to construct this thing they use for one move.

His contraption successfully made, Crusher… now arbitrarily climbs one side, knowing his opponent will climb the other for no reason. Storm at least makes an attempt at grabbing at the belt before they hit the mother of all stupid moron spots- Hell Storm superplexes him from the high ladder BACK FIRST onto the other ladder, which could have 100% crippled him then and there. Both guys flop to the mat and we get a replay from another angle that shows no, Crusher just hit his ribs so he’s probably just badly injured! Thank goodness the two refs were carefully holding the contraption together for them! His opponent now dead, Storm has an easy route to the belt… which means it’s time to build ANOTHER contraption, this time draping both ladders over the guardrail and “tying” Crusher in it (he is seen on-camera deliberately threading his limbs through to make it work, as he has to turn around to see what he’s doing). THREE MINUTES after the last move, Storm now hits what he was going for- a cannonball dive through the ropes into Crusher against the ladder. Barely hitting him so that three-minute build looked even worse, lol. Storm spends another two minutes draping a ladder across the top, nearly climbs the other, changes his mind about what side he was supposed to be one, and they fight up that one to set up Crusher bringing him down with a Death Valley Driver ONTO the draped one, which bounces off the ropes and sends both of them flipping uncontrollably to the floor in a completely reckless moron bump that could have killed them both. The crowd’s screams of horror are 100% earned here. This sets up the end, as Crusher fights up and tries to go for the belt, but Storm soon sets up another ladder beside him. They push one another over, each using one foot to push the ladder back (lol check Storm deliberately taking a step down and leaning in so he can be hit on the back), then Storm deliberately puts his leg through the ladder so he can get hung upside down- Crusher grabs the belt at wins at (26:11).

A classic example of a “Moronic Indie Stuntshow Match”, as two scrawny idiots kill themselves trying to get over in front of 30 people, do a dozen completely reckless bumps with little training or know-how, wrestle like they made a “List of Cool Spots” on a piece of paper and just moved from one to the next, and more. I mean, a big part of the fun of wrestling is watching psychos kill themselves for our amusement, but there are LIMITS. Like, this is a LADDER MATCH where the purpose is to climb the ladder and get a belt, and instead everyone is spending minutes at a time building elaborate ladder set-ups to do the next spot, obviously ignoring the belt so they can do another thing they planned. It’s one thing if the gimmick is “I hate you and want you to suffer” but that isn’t established by the pre-ladder stuff, where they’re just doing a collar & elbow tie-up and then immediately go into zany spots. And the spots aren’t just insane bumps- they’re incredibly uncontrolled, reckless atrocities, just flinging themselves to the floor like stuntshow morons. It’s more Jackass than pro wrestling. Like, the only purpose to 90% of the spots was to do a spot. One of the guys in the comments said “These two make Michaels & Razor look like a couple of scared kids …talk about having no fear what so ever.” and I’m reminded of The Lion King where Mufasa tells his son “Being brave doesn’t mean you go LOOKING for trouble!”. Stevie Richards mentioned on his YouTube channel that “wrestlers are IDIOTS!” and he counted himself among their number- and that every time he did something stupid, an agent would be behind the curtain reaming his ass out for endangering himself for a pop. Who was yelling at THESE two? Because doing things like DVDing both of you onto a ladder draped across the ropes is pure insanity and is gonna send you into an uncontrolled fall (in this case TO THE FLOOR), all for a small show.

lol, I just keep picturing these two, now with injuries that will hurt for the rest of their lives, proudly sitting back after submitting this video to Ring of Honor, CZW and Dragon Gate or whatever, hoping for the phone calls to arrive. As if any promotion wouldn’t see this and immediately blackball both of these dipshits cuz a high-risk match against guys who can’t work is going to make the wrestlers who might ACTUALLY draw you money A) pissy, B) hurt for real, or C) looking weak, because they had to expose the business or not immediately murder a dweeb trying stupid shit like this.

Rating: DUD (I mean I can see it making YouTube highlight reels, but it’s more like Jackass than pro wrestling, as most of it was just “hey, watch us hurt ourselves doing something stupid!” So like it’s a *** on the Jackass scale because indeed some morons died for my amusement, but zero on the Wrestling one)

Man they aren’t even paying this guy enough to get groceries.

LADDER MATCH (w/ nothing above the ring):
CHRI$ CA$H vs. JOKER:
(Combat Zone Wrestling, Cage of Death V, Dec. 13th 2003)
* From CZW, we have another Ladder Match in a tiny indie! Joker is exactly like you’d expect- a completely ordinary-looking short guy with a buzzcut and SPOOOOOOOKY clown makeup coming down to heavy metal. He’s so generic if you told me this was Chris Chetti after a gym membership got revoked I’d believe you. He’s got baggy red & black pants and the ECW T-Shirt of Shame. Cash (I’m not typing the $ in his name and you can’t make me) is… haha how many dudes from this era were coming out to “Down With The Sicknes”? Oh damn this guy is STARVING. Like even Adam Cole is bulkier than this. He has shiny, baggy leather pants and is leaping around to the “OO-AA-A-AA-AHH!” parts. Oh my god HE’S MOUTHING THE FUCKING WORDS TO THE SONG!! That’s alsmost as bad as this Ladder Match having… nothing hanging above so you can climb it. It’s just ladders cuz they’re cool.

The announcers have CHILLS because this is so epic, and like last match, this starts with a lockup. But they seem to be able to work a LITTLE, throwing weak but not embarrassing stuff, like Joker can “break his grip” before hitting an enzuigiri… and as I say that, Cash throws maybe the worst “missed elbow that could never have hit” I’ve ever seen- that shit’s supposed to be stamped out in wrestling school! They do obvious co-operative do-si-dos and Joker kicks him in the nuts but takes a pop-up dropkick- they’re working fast and doing lots of whips. And thankfully not just going right for the ladder. Cash hits a spinkick, clearly working REALLY hard on his leaping stuff as all his shit is that, then Joker uses brains by sliding into the ring to avoid a springboard dive. But Cash nails him and tosses him the ladder, and thanks to the laws of pro wrestling, Joker must now hold it like a moron so Cash can dropkick it into him! Joker keeps taking back bumps and hitting the bottom rope with his head. That’s like… not a good idea. After a long bit on the floor (weak forearms by Cash), Cash smokes him with a spinebuster to wreck one draped ladder, then chokes him with it while some dingus is standing AGAINST THE RING APRON right next to them and has to like… awkwardly slide past Cash, lol. Like “just lemme get riiiiiiiight by ya here…”. Joker drapes the ladder across two chairs, Cash helpfully adjusting it while he’s supposed to be selling, then helpfully positions the chair Joker puts on him so he can hit a Flying Stomp off the top to the chair/ladder! He kinda just slid the chair right off Cash’s bony chest and didn’t land on him, but okay!

After the last match, I’m almost grateful this is as dumb as the “convoluted contraptions” gets.

Cash hits a DDT for two, but eats a running knee. Joker gets the big ladder (haha he tore the ring with the legs) and donks Cash with it. Cash calls a spot then carefully ensures the ladder he’s draped on won’t fall over, but gets up and facecrushers Joker of the top into it and the chair. The crowd seems easily impressed with that. Cash makes a contraption (oh no) by sticking a li’l ladder in the big one, but Joker climbs it and rock bottoms him onto the li’l one while it’s diagonal. Thank goodness Cash deliberately put his arm over Joker for no reason or he might have landed on it! Joker takes a while setting up shit and gets his shirt pulled over his head for Cash’s comeback (see, if he’d had more confidence in his body he’d be winning!). Joker climbs the big ladder (… why?) and gets ladder’d off, through a draped lader on the floor. Well at least he guided himself via the top rope. Cash spends years getting a bigger ladder and drapes in through the corner ropes, but takes a punch and obviously flings himself onto it. He tries again but Joker suplexes him onto the ladder- Cash gets his foot on the ropes, then catches a punch with a Wrist-Clutch Inverted Samoan Drop on the ladder. He gets a table, climbs the big ladder, but Joker catches him and hits the Joker Driver (package One Winged Angel/front electric chair drop) THROUGH THE TABLE, which looks gooddamn lethal, and at least that’s the three at (16:11). I should hope so! Commentator douche keeps screaming “SOMEONE CALL 9-1-1!” and says Joker, a guy I’ve never heard of, just made himself a “God-darned superstar!”. John Zandig comes out and leads the fans in a standing ovation.

I can tell I was in a more forgiving mood because of the last atrocity because this one seems soooooooo much better by contrast. Except it was also unwashed ass and dumb and a DUD. Just less stupidly reckless, by guys who were merely bad and openly cooperative instead of like… even worse. But the ladder bits almost kinda made sense! No multi-minute construction spots, and they had a “logical progression” (in the last match they grabbed the ladder immediately and started doing shit- here they were waiting) and like someone might actually think to do this instead of having a spot just to have a spot- they were just too amateur to know how to work anything so you had Cash carefully and gently positioning himself and the ladder in all the spots, even ones he was supposed to be taking. So I looked up the dudes later and Cash apparently died in a 2005 motorcycle accident along with his cousin and the car they crashed into. Joker has Cagematch stuff until 2023 but only 4 matches per promotion, for 4 promotions a year, listed for decades. He was only a year into his career at this point (explaining why Cash was clearly leading him through EVERYTHING).

Rating: DUD (obvious cooperation between a hack and a rookie, but only a few moronic reckless bumps!)