A Young Mega-Juiced Ultimate Warrior in Memphis vs. Phil Hickerson (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have my favorite Phil Hickerson clip, as he tears into a young, cocky Jim Hellwig (pre-Ultimate Warrior) and his buddy Steve “Sting” Borden, dismissing both as know-nothing roid-monkeys who don’t know how to fight OR wrestle, and demonstrates it by kicking a young Jim’s ass! This is a great TV segment that shows the “reality”, a bit of shaming of big juice guys, and a good TV angle once things fall apart. Also Phil gets one of the all-time digs on muscle wrestlers that has to be heard to be appreciated.

Next up, it’s Brian Pillman as the masked “Yellow Dog” teaming up with Bobby Eaton vs. Ric Flair and The Diamond Studd on WCW Saturday Night, back when Scott Hall was still trying to make it work on a national stage! “Macho Man” Randy Savage, freshly babyface, disappointing Jesse Ventura on commentary as he takes on JTTS Tiger Chung Lee! A UPW match as 1-year veteran John “The Prototype” Cena on ALL THE STEROIDS takes on Crash Holly in what was probably a tryout! And finally, the most depressing match ever, as four floundering careers collide with a rookie’s as The Road Dogg & K-Kwik team up against Lo Down- D-Lo Brown & Chaz Warrington managed by Tiger Ali Singh and wearing NEON SULTAN GEAR right out of 1993 as their careers die before our very eyes!

JIM HELLWIG (w/ Steve Borden) vs. PHIL HICKERSON:
(Memphis, 1985-86)
* It’s THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR vs. PHIL HICKERSON!! Of all the things to find. Someone showed me this one when I was gushing about Hickerson’s fat slobbiness a couple weeks ago on the BOD, so I just had to cover this one. And here’s Hellwig on ALL THE STEROIDS, impossibly being even MORE juiced up than he was in his WWF run! I mean, he’s an absolute brick wall at this point, trading the ripped-ness for stacks of muscle. He and partner Steve Borden (Sting) stand there with Lance Russell, Jim doing all the talking as he brays with a great “smartass smirk” about how “when you take into account our physiques- the rock-hard muscle”, they should be higher on the card compared to “all the fat people. Like the KING of the Fat Dude Wrestlers, Jerry Lawler, or Phil Hickerson- you know neither of THEM have seen the inside of a gym!”, drawing out Hickerson himself with all the venom in the world.

Phil slowly works himself up, initially stuttering and pointing out that “You got no right” talking to him like that, and “I tried to help ‘yall”, but the reason they’re not getting title shots is because “you’re GREEN and you don’t know HOW to wrassle! The only thing that you know how to do, brother, is how to pull them britches down and put steroids in them BOOTY! That’s the only thing that you idiots know how to do!”. Hellwig laughs him off, claiming he’ll put Phil’s head inside his huge bicep and “squash it like a ripe tomato”, setting off Phil’s “You don’t scare me one damn bit, brother, because one thing about it- I can WRASSLE and I can FIGHT, and that’s something you can’t do! You can not do EITHER ONE, and that’s why you’ll be wrestling the first or second match the rest of your damn life!”.

Phil & Jim scream at each other some more and they insist on a match then and there, with Russell doing his great “Hey come on, now…” desperate pleas for decorum- alas, wrestling is a sport of ANGRY ANGRY MEN making IMPULSIVE DECISIONS and therefore the gym-bunny will fight the fat dude! Hickerson wearing his short-sleeved accountant shirt and slacks, no less! Also funny is Steve Borden standing there like a deer in headlights having NO idea what to do with any of this.

The opening lockup is perfect, Hellwig just standing there “pushing” while Phil acts like a pitbull, scrambling and rolling around trying to “fight back” against the power of steroids in that booty. Hellwig hits some overhand blows to the chest, but Phil fires back with punches to the forehead, actually causing Hellwig to drop face-first, then flat-back off another one. Russell explains that “I think Jim Hellwig has made the mistake a lot of people do” in dismissing Hickerson as “not stage-ready”, but “lemme tell ya- he’s one of the roughest toughest guys you’ll find in ANY wrestling ring anywhere!”. Hickerson slams the future Warrior and punches him down again, blasting away with overhand rights until Borden hits the ring and they double-team poor Phil, whose fire and energy made him forget there’s TWO juice-monkeys in this one! The “Freedom Fighters”, as they’re called, hit a big double-clothesline and double press-slam, then drop elbows as Hickerson’s big fat guy is now flying out of his unbuttoned shirt. Fantastic visual. Famously beautiful Steve Keirn makes the save with a stool, sending the juicers scurrying away like cowards.

This is amazing, haha. Jim comes off like this entitled douchebag gymbro who has this big sense of entitlement despite paying zero dues and putting all this work into only his muscles, while Phil an incensed, insulted veteran. So this plays to “what’s real” while also justifying a wrestling match- these juice guys ARE big and strong and see more gym time that the fat guys, who are indeed obese, but Phil justifies himself with his fury and brawling (helped by Russell putting him over on commentary despite not looking like much), and so Phil beats the shit out of young Hellwig. So this lets fans know that despite the big muscles of some dudes (like, say, the ones on WWF television, which was definitely on in Memphis), a non-stage ready guy like Hickerson can still beat them up, so you should still totally get behind these guys and pay money to see them. It’s also funny because Phil ends up being hilariously wrong and Jim ends up main eventing major shows for years while Hickerson is pretty obscure! Turns out not knowing how to wrestle or fight wasn’t THAT big a detriment after all! The match itself was fine for what it was- Hellwig just had to sit there and eat offense, which he did pretty well (honestly better than the Warrior ever did- he knew how to slump over like he’s gotten the shit beat out of him, and how to swing his arms back on a flat-back bump), Phil looking like an enraged lumberjack, and then a fuck finish sees Phil eat a bunch of double-teams and we’re off.

Rating: 1/2* (barely even a match but a great post-match beatdown as they did their pre-programmed double-teams)

BOUNTY MATCH FOR THE YELLOW DOG’S MASK:
THE YELLOW DOG & BEAUTIFUL BOBBY vs. RIC FLAIR & THE DIAMOND STUDD (w/ Diamond Dallas Page):
(WCW Saturday Night, June 29th 1991)
* Hey, Flair and Razor Ramon had history before their WWF team-up! And THAT’s why DDP had “Diamond” in his name! This match is during an angle where Brian Pillman was barred and came back as the masked “Yellow Dog”- an old indie standby of course being “return under a mask and everyone knows it’s him, leaving the heels whining and raging and the fans reveling in their misery”. I love how cheap and awful the gear looks- like a wrestler obviously wanted a disguise and didn’t care how it looked, so it’s just a complete body-condom that fits shittily. Bobby is a babyface in blue tights, Flair’s in black with yellow boots, and the Studd’s in yellow trunks.

Flair tries to push Bobby around, getting slugged down for it, and goes to the eyes- Bobby quickly fires back with right hands that pepper him, sending Flair over to the Dog, who drops him again and Flair scurries to the floor. The Studd isn’t quite “working” on the apron yet, mostly just standing there, but he does do some “Your mask is coming off” gestures at the Dog, who starts overhand chopping Flair, leading the heel commentator to whine that “who else chops like that?!”. Studd wipes out Yellow Dog with a cheap shot, so Bobby just tees off on Flair in kind, then backslides him for two. The Studd comes in and eats some shots, but grabs the ropes to avoid a dropkick… and quickly tags out to Flair. A move “reminiscent of an Air Pillman” (leaping clothesline) drops Flair, and Bobby starts beating ass with EPIC lefts and rights, sending Flair Flipping into a Dog punch.

Bobby hits Flair with a plastic chair to the admonishment of the ref, Flair briefly comes back with chops and whips to the railing, but Bobby again slugs away at him and we get the Flair Flop as Ric walks towards the cameraman. He headbutts the Dog coming in, but YD makes a comeback with an O’Connor Roll- the Studd bowls him over (a bit late; that was easily three) and Bobby comes in, getting dragged out by the ref while the Studd lays the beats to the Dog. The Studd hits an interesting chokeslam, starting from a backdrop suplex position (actually that’s kinda how he does it in his nWo run, too, looking at it), getting two. Flair loses a chopfest and tags out again, so the Studd tries and eats a “modified cross-body” (ie. they fucked up- good cover, JR lol). Flair goes for the eyes but gets Flair Tossed and takes the Flying Cross-Body (Pillman’s finisher)- the Studd drops an elbow and it’s a donnybrook, DS going for the mask. The heels double-team him, the ref gets tossed, and it’s another donnybrook until it’s a DQ at (9:53).

Well that was a peppy TV match! Almost non-stop brawling between Flair & Eaton, two of the best at that style, keeping the fans way into it all match long (you could see people jumping around and occasional bursts of excitement- not just the “constant noise” of piped in crowds). Scott Hall is interesting to watch at this point- he doesn’t have his strikes down and doesn’t wrestle at all to his size, being kept out of most of the match and quickly tagging out to Flair. He wasn’t THAT green by this point, but it’s funny seeing this 6’5″ dude getting repeatedly dropped by runty dudes like Bobby & Brian and not at all powering them around. All he gets is one chokeslam and that’s really it.

Rating: **1/2 (fun TV bout- never slows down even as it loses some momentum by the end)

“MACHO MAN” RANDY SAVAGE (w/ Miss Elizabeth) vs. TIGER CHUNG LEE:
(WWF SuperStars, Sept. 5th 1987)
* I was hoping Outback Jack/Lee was on YouTube, but no dice- instead I found this one! Savage has very recently turned babyface, starting up a feud with the Honky Tonk Man. Chung Lee was a jobber, but I’ve never seen him before. He’s described as “a big monster from Korea”, and here obviously stands a fair bit taller than Savage, but with an unimpressive “Southern wrassler”-style physique- soft torso and no ass. Vince on commentary is of course over the moon on Elizabeth’s looks (“SHE LOOKS BEAUTIFUL THIS WEEK!”) and slobbering over her so much that Ventura admonishes him for treating it like the Playboy Playmate Revue, McMahon saying “she’s far and away something beyond that”. Ventura also bemoans how Savage is “going soft” for allowing Elizabeth to walk in front of him (“I can’t believe it”- so much disappointment, lol).

Lee goes to the eyes to start, but Savage turns a top wristlock into a hammerlock and clearly uses the hair, still retaining heel mannerisms, but Lee reverses a whip and knees him in the gut. Savage quickly snapmares him over and drops the knee while Elizabeth is interviewed about Honky Tonk- she doesn’t even like his style (man her Southern accent was WAY stronger back then). Savage wears him down with a front-facelock, but Lee gut-punches him on a rope break and chops him down. Reverse knife-edge off the ropes gets two as he’s getting WAY more than I’d expect. The McMahon/Ventura/Sammartino debate about Honky’s merits as IC Champ vs. Savage is fascinating because Sammartino claims Savage is better and Ventura is now AGHAST at how “Back when I was saying how great Macho Man was, I had to FIGHT with you two out here, and suddenly you’re singin’ praises out here!”. I always liked that about Jesse- though he made his coworkers look like idiots he always had a point about stuff like this. The HYPOCRISY. Savage pops Lee with an elbow when he gets back in the ring and knees him down for two, but Lee gets his knee up in the corner. He goes up and is promptly tossed off, and that’s all Savage needs to hit the Flying Elbow for three at (2:47).

An interesting “squash”, as Lee dominates most of it (Savage is maybe having some issues being so freshly babyface and now having to play vulnerable), interrupting a lot of Savage comebacks, then finally gets tossed off and we’re right to the finish. No necksnap, no axehandle, etc.- Savage kind of gets a single move and ends it.

Rating: 1/2* (not bad, but hardly as good as most Savage squashes were)

Dude… you’re full.

THE PROTOTYPE vs. CRASH HOLLY:
(Ultimate Pro Wrestling, Aug. 23rd 2000)
* From the WWE Vault, it’s John Cena! Back when he was a rookie fresh out of bodybuilding, on ALL THE STEROIDS. Like, even more than when he was a WWF guy. He’s only a year into his career at this point, and Crash is wearing a WWF shirt and here for one match. Whatever building this is has a weird set-up with a circular bunch of stands. UPW was another WWF feeder system, sorta, but Cena would leave for OVW proper pretty soon.

The Prototype does the Memphis Stall right away, bailing to the floor despite massively outweighing his opponent. It’s 1:30 before they actually make contact, Prototype missing a charge and getting taken over for a headlock. And Crash holds that for a WHILE. Like I’ve heard of calling spots, but Crash is laying out a soliloquy in there. Did they not plan this match ahead of time? Prototype keeps trying to escape but Crash hangs on, as they’ve decided to run a “Cena can’t surpass Crash’s raw strength” strategy for some reason. Prototype finally escapes by crotching Crash on the top rope, throws some overhand elbows, and hiptosses him. Crash gets a brief comeback but Bret Harts into the corner, Prototype dropping the elbow for two. Prototype catches Crash with a side-slam, flexing with his free hand while I think the crowd is chanting “STERRRRROIDS!” at him. Crash finally ducks under him and hits a clothesline, but Prototype had his arm out and it’s a double-down. Crash keeps blocking punches and hits enough dropkicks to bring a gasping Prototype down, and Crash gets a soft missile dropkick for two- Prototype’s foot’s in the ropes. Crash slams him in the corners a bunch, but tries his Tornado Bulldog and Prototype stops it in mid-air and whirls him around for a falling side slam at (7:08) for the pin.

This felt like a “Cena Tryout”, but with the understanding that he was so green he’d have to be completely trained. Like, why else would CRASH HOLLY utterly dominate the first two minutes of context with a simple headlock, giving instructions all the while. Cena did only simple strikes and simple bumps, which is good cuz you don’t want unready people doing anything but that. It’s hard to tell if he was actually tired or just faking it- Cena was infamous for perfect cardio during his WWE career and his “open-mouth gasping” was so theatrical I have to imagine he was trying to work it, but with the amount of gear he was on, he probably was feeling it a little bit.

Rating: 1/2* (just a simple nothing match)

“KILL US!! PLEASE, somebody KILL US!

“THE ROAD DOGG” JESSE JAMES & K-KWIK vs. LO DOWN (D-Lo Brown & Chaz Warrington w/ Tiger Ali Singh):
(WWF Jakked, Dec. 23rd 2000)
* OHHH yes, it’s one of my favorite things- guys spiralling down the card while a weird rookie with a decades-long career shows up as well. In this case, three of the four wrestlers here, plus the heel manager, are in a total death-spiral career-wise- the Road Dogg peaked in the early Attitude Era, got way over with a catchphrase, but was never really over as a PERSON and couldn’t wrestle worth a hill of shit so once the pops wore out for his catchphrase he was DONEZO. And to freshen him up a bit, the company paired him up with new hire K-Kwik- Ron Killings, a muscular rookie with a “rapper/dancing guy” gimmick, allowing the Dogg to “rap” along with his “GET ROWDY!” thing- Dogg has a giant toque sticking up like a foot in the air and is rapping (… badly) to show the urban youths that he is still cool and hip. I still remember someone (I think Hyatte) making fun of how K-Kwik was flashing his incredible physique while Road Dogg, one of the flabbiest and least impressive of the AE superstars, had like every single button of his “the kids like this, right?” sports jerseys done up like he’d lose all his power if even a single bit of his torso were revealed.

Meanwhile, it’s Lo Down- D-Lo Brown, once the most reliable **1/4 worker around as a fun opening match guy (babyface or heel), was tumbling down the card in part because of his injuring Droz and his resulting personal issues, while Chaz had done Beaver Cleavage, dumped it and became “Chaz”, returned to being a Headbanger, and finally they repackaged him AGAIN and stuck him with a floundering D-Lo. And TIGER ALI! He had utterly failed to make an impact with his Ted DiBiase Lite shit, even doing the same “get people to humiliate themselves” gimmick. He couldn’t talk, he couldn’t work, and he couldn’t get over, so they’re like “EHHHHHHHHHHH, manager?”. This is all three guys’ last shot. Lo Down of course come out in 1994-style day-glo “Sabu Pants” and Arab head-wraps- both have to absolutely be feeling like SHIT as they know this is the bottom of the card and they’re looking at unemployment. Hahah so much career death in one match. These poor fuckers.

The babyfaces decide to jump the heels while they’re praying in unison, but Dogg gets beaten down for it, and D-Lo hits his leaping roundhouse kick and OH MY GOD he is wearing the turban WHILE HE WRESTLES. It’s neon green! Lo Down hit a side-slam/leaping legdrop for two, then tosses him so Tiger Ali can lay a single boot to zero reaction. Dogg acts near-death, reaching out for a tag in desperation from fifteen seconds of offense- oh yeah, it’s a Road Dogg match alright. Speaking of, he Bret Harts into the corner and poor Chaz has to physically DRAG him into position for the clothesline because he doesn’t bump out of the corner and just slowly backs up while looking away. hahahaha what a sack of shit. D-Lo gives up wearing the mask part of his headdress and whips Dogg off the ropes so he can bugger up a SUNSET FLIP of all things. The ref misses the tag and then D-Lo provokes K-Kwik, but a double-team sees the Dogg clothesline both down. Kwik lands only three shots before D-Lo grabs him, but Kwik hits a Flatliner, spins up and does the splits, then hits a Sit-Out Gourdbuster, but Tiger Ali hits the ring for the DQ at (3:43). The babyfaces immediately beat him up (lmao check out D-Lo get up to interfere then remember the spot and immediately slides down for no reason), hiptossing him before NOW D-Lo makes his cue and Lo Down fight the babyfaces before getting tossed. Lol at Michael Hayes on commentary: “Look at Road Dogg- he’s out on his FEET!”. Yup- fucker’s getting fired, alright.

God-awful match with a ton of botched spots by an obviously fucked-up Road Dogg. D-Lo hit one decent move and Chaz seemed to be putting some “Don’t fire me! I can still wrestle!” effort into it, but the match was ass. K-Kwik only hit two moves before it was over, too. This is… hey, it’s actually Road Dogg’s last WWE match! He was fired right after this. So my memory of the Dogg/Kwik team is of basically the month they worked together before the D-OH-Double-Gee was G-O-N-E. Road Dogg has apparently admitted he was high for this match and noticeably botched several moves, and was suspended for a month before being fired. Per a YouTube comment (which is basically a fact): “This was Road Dogg’s last match in the WWF. According to him, he was high during this match and was noticeably botching multiple moves. After the match, he tried to get the producers to not air this match due to embarrassment, but he ended up getting suspended and later released a month later. It would be over a decade before he was return to WWE.”

Kwik’s career was a quick failure- he fucks around for eight months and is then let go. Then he goes to NWA-TNA and is repackaged as Ron “The Truth” Killings and immediately gets pushed to the NWA Title and sorta proves himself as a big-ish fish in a small pond. Then after years away, he returns to WWE and gets a big push and sticks around as a comedy wrestler for an insanely long time. His Cagematch profile “Career” section is a fantastic visual. Lo Down themselves are fired the next month along with their manager (who sues for discrimination), but D-Lo returns in 2002 as a midcard nobody for a while.

Rating: DUD (incredibly bad with Road Dogg clearly on drugs)

Seriously, look at this thing.