Lex Luger & Road Warrior Hawk vs. Road Warrior Animal & Booker T (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! I found a ton of fun stuff this week, including more of the guys I’ve been checking out lately! But for starters, we have a WCW Lethal Lottery match with the mighty Road Warriors split up on different teams! It’s Road Warrior Hawk with Lex Luger against Road Warrior Animal and Booker T! Booker is a heel who hates the Warriors, and Luger is a twerpy tweener guy, so this has some real intrigue to it! Next up, it’s another Ricki Starr match, as the “sissy” ballet dancer babyface takes on hapless lug Hans Hermann, a burly Nazi who is OUTRAGED at Ricki’s schtick and takes no end of cartoonish pratfalls over it!

Then it’s a wild Japanese tag match, as All Japan’s Real World Tag League gives us Jumbo Tsuruta & Yoshiaki Yatsu… versus PHIL HICKERSON AND JERRY BLACKWELL! The massively fat American heel squad provide quite the contrast to the Ace duo, but they perfectly play off of Blackwell’s obesity and have a fun match! Then it’s an indie showcase, as Combat Zone Wrestling has a 4-way between Kevin Steen (the future Kevin Owens), Mike Quackenbush, B-Boy and Super Dragon! That’s right- I find more SUPER DRAGON stuff to watch, some dude I’ve never heard of, plus a pre-fat Kevin Owens and a comedy wrestler! And finally, I’m convinced to check out Kaiju Big Battel- a tokusatsu-themed comedy promotion from New York, as American Beetle takes on Call-Me-Kevin, as two dudes in suits fight over a box of “Rucky Charms”.

LETHAL LOTTERY:
LEX LUGER & ROAD WARRIOR HAWK vs. BOOKER T & ROAD WARRIOR ANIMAL:
(WCW Slamboree, 1996)
* One of my favorite gimmick concepts ever is the Lethal Lottery- “random” tag teams thrown together in bizarre, one-time only contests. Like, a whole PPV of that concept is stupid and it’s why it never worked, BUT when else are you going to see Hawk vs. Animal alongside Luger & Booker T? It’s completely wild! This is ages before Booker’s big WCW solo push, so he’s effectively “the good worker in Harlem Heat”, with the Road Warriors’ legendary team split up and they’re made to fight each other. Plus Luger, who always had a big push going. Luger’s in black trunks, Booker’s in a slick blue outfit (only Harlem Heat ever wore outfits like this with the thin straps on top, tied at the center), and the Warriors are in black tights- I missed their “grey over red” spikes period- very “WWF Corporate Toy” design.

They’re about to play nice to start until Booker just throws a slap at Hawk’s chest and they start brawling right away- Hawk ain’t gonna let that one go. The ref finally separates them and Tony calls out Animal doing nothing and standing on HAWK’s side of the ring, and Heenan promises we’ll see a bit where one tries to tag the other because they’re so used to it. See, this is the kind of thing that can make incredible psychology for a match, but this is of course gonna be like 7 minutes on a show full of such matches, lol. Luger ties up with Animal to start, pounding away and hitting his powerslam (could Lex at least TRY to hide his mouth movements while calling spots?). Booker informs his partner that he is a sucka as Animal recovers. He hits Luger with some shoulder checks as Lex screams to the heavens, then backrolls when Animal clotheslines him out of an International. Animal scores a powerslam and then a big shoudlerblock, but puts his head down and is suplexed… but pops up as Luger turns around to pose! Animal dropkicks him and it’s over to Booker, but he shoves Animal out of the way impatiently to be a dick and Animal shoves him back before Booker hits the Harlem side kick.

Luger gets his “boot up, then lariat” counter out of the corner, but both guys miss elbows and Booker spins up into another big side kick and howls to the fans- shit like that is why he needed to be a babyface because that RULED. Long chinlock spot as Lex does a soliloquy in there, then Booker counters a comeback with the ax kick. But Hawk breaks up the pin, but spends too much time in there and gest shoved by Lex, fires back, and suddenly EVERYONE is fighting and the fans go nuts because all the wrestlers getting hot and pissed off is what rules to watch. Everyone fights to the floor (haha Animal does his taunt by Luger runs away from his axehandle- I wonder if that was supposed to hit), and Luger backs off down the aisle like a weenie (I think this is his tweener run) and the ref counts everyone out at (6:55). Hawk never even got into the ring! The Warriors slap hands after the call as the fans are disappointed.

The crowd booed the finish, quite rightly as this coulda been a lot of fun. Like 7 minutes for a big PPV match with this intrigue is too bad. Luger was his usual “kinda clunky; openly calling spots” self, but Animal looked fine and Booker was in full “PUSH ME!” mode with awesome offense, but Hawk never even properly got involved. Easy night for him! Which is all the dumber because the entire reason you book this match should be the novelty of Hawk & Animal fighting one another! Not that their segment would be particularly GOOD, but still.

Rating: ** (just a filler match with only a bit of effort)

BEST TWO OF THREE FALLS:
RICKI STARR vs. HANS HERMANN:
(Chicago International Ampitheatre, July 17th 1959)
* It’s more Ricki Starr! And with GORGEOUS GEORGE doing the guest announcing! Because of an injured finger, he cannot compete tonight. He wears a sharp, bright suit as he tosses his “Georgie Pins” to the audience, but Starr sneaks up behind him and brandishes a pair of tiny ballet slippers. Which HE tosses to the crowd to one-up George, who stomps his feet and pouts over it while Hermann (a classic German heel with an iron cross on the back of his ring jacket) also gets super annoyed at the festivities. RUSS DAVIS on commentary, too! This is the good shit! The crowd is presumably familiar with Starr’s act, and give him a babyface response.

FIRST FALL: As last time, Ricki gets fussy when the ref tries to check his body, like he’s ticklish or something, then makes sure to lift his feet so the ref can check them in the most effeminate way humanly possible. Hans is annoyed already, huffily putting up his boot, which Ricki just grabs and uses to push him over, then flee the enraged German-descended grump and the fans are already into it. Hermann is a total pro, losing his shit as Ricki hides behind the ref and slaps at him- the heel makes sure to not only lurch into the ropes like Frankentsein, but deliberately lets his combover come loose and flop around while he stomps his feet in a rage. Starr begs off, leading to Hermann stomping up and lurching again, then staring at his fists in impotent disbelief. Ricki now does pirouettes and slaps him as Davis can’t even keep from laughing. Ricki then jumps on Hermann’s back and starts tickling him- Hans grabs a slipper but Ricki rolls him into a lock that just has Hans confused like “… what?”.

haha cartoonish heel mannerisms. One of wrestling’s oldest tropes.

He finally headlocks Starr and just wallops him on the top of the head- he hits a few more, but Ricki now slaps him and throws on a hammerlock. Hans has an interesting counter by just squeezing using his armpit (Ricki helpfully going “OW OW OW!” and selling), but Ricki smoothly rolls into a top wristlock, but Hans just looks annoyed and confidently straight-arms him down. Ricki makes sure to land on his butt with his feet up like a wimp, but tries again- same result. He dares Hans to try the same thing on him and gets shoved over again, but eventually a spinning toehold from the ground is the answer! Hermann counters with a bodyscissors and jaws with the fans, but Starr’s eventually able to roll out and embarrasses him by doing soft barrel-rolls to avoid any “amateur holds” leaving Hans with his fists balled up in rage again! He finally pushes Starr to the corner and beats the shit out of him with forearms and starts choking at him- Ricki tries a shoulder block and bounces off like a bug on a windshield, but Hans won’t stop choking him and the referee disqualifies him at (6:07)! Good! You ENFORCE those rules! Hans goose-steps and sieg-heils his way to the corner in triumph regardless while Ricki struggles to his feet.

SECOND FALL: Starr grabs a rear-waistlock, Hans trying to smash his arms but only hitting himself as Ricki repeatedly pulls away, finally just bending his pinky to send Ricky scurrying away! But Ricki leaps on his back and bites him in the ear as this ain’t exactly the NWA! Hans now writhes away and whines to the ref, pointing at his ear, and then just starts strangling Ricki and standing on his face. He actually does a rope-rake (easily the earliest I’ve ever seen this spot), and absorbs enough chops and slaps, but gets backed into the corner so Rickie can stand on the top rope, crouch down, and actually grind his knuckle into Hermann’s eye! The ref lets that go on for ages until he warns Ricki off, so our hero BACKFLIPS off into a perfect spin, then hits two big flying mares, but Hermann headscissors him. Ricki rolls around and finally pops out using the momentum, hits his BACKFLIP TO DROPKICK move, and follows with the most theatrical snapmare I’ve ever seen in my life, flipping Hans onto his back… for three at (4:03)! Two straight falls for Ricki Starr!

Another funny one from Starr- this was less “he unnerves the heel with sissy mannerisms” and “he annoys the heel by totally trolling him and going for slaps and humiliating moves”. Hans was an even better victim than the last guy, because the big Nazi had not only a Frankensteinian visage but lurches around like an incompetent, yet also comes off as vicious. Like he has this great aura of perceived dignity and menace, completely burst by this guy’s goofy dancing and sissy offense making a fool of him. The “hair tuft” coming loose, his staring at his fists in a rage, etc., was all perfect goonery. Like THIS GUY knew how to be a patsy. Also, they wisely kept the matches shorter than, say, Gorgeous George’s- this kind of comedy schtick can’t really go on for those old-school match lengths. Even here it was kind of wearing thin and repeating itself by the end, as it was just “Hans strangles him” for the last 5 or so minutes. Though Starr managing to pull his athleticism into things (dig that backflip and spin out of the corner, or going nearly vertical upside-down for a snapmare).

Rating: **1/4 (started getting a tad old by the end, but some great athleticism mixed with Hans being a TREMENDOUS boob)

REAL WORLD TAG LEAGUE:
JUMBO TSURUTA & YOSHIAKI YATSU vs. PHIL HICKERSON & CRUSHER BLACKWELL:
(All Japan, Nov. 20th 1988)
* HELL YES!! My look at Hickerson’s career led me to his run in ALL JAPAN, where he & Blackwell formed a tag team in the Real World Tag League. This was pretty common back in the day- white guys were often flown over to hand out some easy wins to the other teams (they go 0-12 in the tourney). It is almost hard to describe just how FAT both gaijin are here- like you’re looking at a wall of pure MegaDiabetes. Blackwell, in his black singlet, looks like he has to be at least 350 lbs., and Hickerson is spilling out over his orange tights. Really puts the good “All Japan Dadbods” of their opponents into perspective.

Blackwell, looking like a hybrid of dwarf and ogre, easily no-sells Yatsu’s lockup and shoulderblock. Blackwell just clubs him with a forearm in the ropes as I marvel at how short and skinny his legs are compared to his torso, and Yatsu tries a BODYSLAM and a go-behind, lol. Good worker stuff- completely suboptimal “is this guy a moron?” offense but immediately sets the psychology for the fans- “ah, this man is too large to be thrown around- the natives will have to play it smart!”. Blackwell skooshes him in the corner but misses a charge, but legdrops the leg until Yatsu escapes. JUMBO comes in, and immediately things shift because when he shoudlerblocks the fatty… he doesn’t fall! Jumbo tries again, but Blackwell just absorbs teh blow. Jumbo’s all “well alright then… I’ll try again and SURPRISE KNEE TO THE FACE COCKBAG!” and blasts Blackwell to the mat with a Jumbo Knee! Blackwell rolls around like a hapless boob, gets beat up a bit, but Yatsu quickly gets clobbered and thrown around- in comes Hickerson! He hits an inverted atomic drop but gets bodyslammed. The babyfaces double-team him- ah, I see he’s the “Mima Shimoda” of this duo- the one who eats all the offense to the “Etsuko Mita” of Blackwell.

Phil takes some double-team chops and they hit a sandwich knee smash. Jumbo moves REALLY well for such a big guy- he falls right on top of Hickerson here but effortlessly spins around into a pin attempt with no limbs in the way or anything. Hickerson kicks out and gets smothered, and Blackwell sneaks in a tag, staggering Jumbo with a headbutt and hits a motherfucking SLING BLADE of all things for two. Blackwell throws headbutts and a DROPKICK (a shitty one right to the belly-button), setting up an assisted avalanche that has Jumbo spiralling into the ring, and a Running Splash hits- Yatsu saves! Hickerson hits a terrible avalanche and stares at his elbow, telegraphing and missing the drop. Hot tag Yatsu! He immediatley hits a dropkick, powerslam, avalanche, running bulldog and a weird kneeling Figure-Four Leglock as Jumbo fights off Blackwell, getting the submission win at (6:55). Native heroes defeat the power of diabeetus!

A good testament to Jumbo’s ability, and Yatsu playing the “weaker jobbery guy” role well- Yatsu has to fail to hit his stuff to make Jumbo’s stronger attempts look better. Blackwell knows to act like a “wall”, but still sells the one big thing that DOES hit him- like I always say, sell the THIRD move. And the fattie spiralled across the ring and made that look HUGE, too The first two being no-sold makes the one that IS sold look even stronger. And then Hickerson comes in and bounces around for the heroes, and you see just how good Jumbo was at his movements- effortlessly spinning into pin attempts from awkard positions, or rolling into perfect “eating a move” position after an avalanche- zero wasted motions or clunkiness at all (this 6’5″ aging dude is smoother than all four of the dudes in that indie match below). Then Jumbo lets Crusher Blackwell get all these big moves on him, gets saved by Yatsu, then gives Yatsu the hot tag and the big stream of moves to hapless Hickerson.

Rating: **1/2 (great fun for a short TV match)

ELIMINATION FOUR-WAY:
KEVIN STEEN vs. MIKE QUACKENBUSH vs. SUPER DRAGON vs. B-BOY:
(Combat Zone Wreslting Best of the Best 5, May 14th 2005)
* HOT DIGGITY DAMN! I found ANOTHER Super Dragon match! And it’s one with the future Kevin Owens, in his baby state! I mean this is so long ago he has BABY FAT isntead of “Actual Fat”. He’s only 21 years old here. And Mike Quackenbush, owner and curator of comedy promotion CHIKARA! And B-Boy! Good old B-Boy! Well I’ll be dipped! … okay I have no idea who B-Boy is. He’s from CZW, PWG, and JAPW- he’s smol. He was also Bael in Lucha Underground, for fans of that! This video is like thirty minutes long, which terrifies yet also intrigues me- you gotta have a hell of a plan to fill that kinda time- never mind that all four wrestled to other matches this day. This is in CZW, most famous for being a low-rent promotion picking up the pieces when ECW died, in the same area. I thought it was a garbage wrestling one, not that I’ve, like… SEEN it or anything. Steen is in red shorts and the ECW T-Shirt of Shame. Super Dragon is in a full ninja outfit (with a rap theme again). Quackenbush is in a ridiculous tight leather t-shirt and baggy yellow “Hardy Boyz Pants” (and coming down to a very “adult contemporary” Tears For Fears song- not your typical wrestling theme, lol). B-Boy looks like a totally generic dude in black shorts and the ECW T-Shirt of Shame. Oof, two dudes with that shirt in one match. Apparently B-Boy won this trophy before. He could not look less disinterested coming down.

Before the match, Dragon slugs Steen down, who spits on him. Quack/Dragon start us off, SD actually not looking that clunky or bad as they chain-wrestle. Quack tries some odd “move the other guy’s body around” stuff like he’s attempting World of Sport sometimes. Steen & B-Boy briefly get hot and throw fisticuffs, defaulting to “whatever”, then Steen slugs Dragon off the apron to pay him back. Quack/Dragon again and Dragon pulls off a clutch into a rolling butterfly lock, then breaks a full nelson and armdrags him into a jujigatame. Hey, who taught THIS guy to work? 8 minutes of pretty basic but fine (i mean, there’s a lot of “one guy stands stock-still to avoid screwing it up” but they’re at least countering and shit) stuff and then the Wacky Indie Spots surface, with a three-man headlock ending with Quack rolling, standing their awkwardly, then enzuigiri-ing everyone to the floor and doing a fancy springboard cannonball… and they don’t catch him, effectively powerbombing him on the floor from ten feet up, lol.

He sells a head injury and Steen works the brain with an enzuigiri, and they all work restholds on his neck area for ages- a brief comeback ends with Dragon dropping him neck-first across SD’s knee and hitting an enzuiknee for two. Steen adds a rolling legdrop to the neck and B-Boy the Orange Country Stretch (a grounded octopus hold), Quack finally powering him up and slamming him in what they probably hoped would get a bigger reaction. Quack just ain’t over. Quack tries a rana but gets caught in an STF with his neck stretched and SD hits a surfboard/dragon sleeper. I mean the psychology is sound but it’s been like ten minutes of this, dudes. Quack finally escapes SD with an inverted surfboard/stomp to the spine and tags out- B-Boy throws limp strikes and Germans SD into a tag, but Steen runs into a backdrop driver. I was gonna criticize his phony sell for a Shining Wizard but he was goldbricking, hitting Yakuza & Superkicks, but SD lariats him, then Quack comes in with an inverted Samoan drop into a pinning combo for two. They fight up top and SD hits a butterfly superduperplex for two, but B-Boy crotches him up top and Exploders him into the corner, but Steen fisherman’s busters him. Ah, I see we’ve entered the “yes, we all have Japan comps” portion of the match. And Steen then pounces on Super Dragon, hitting two straight Package Piledrivers for the pin at (19:18). But he’s vulnerable to B-Boy hitting a tornado DDT into a Cross-Armed Piledriver at (20:12). Down to two!

B-Boy counters the Quackendriver (over-the-shoulder tombstone) but they clothesline each other for a double-down. Quack Ligerbomb gets two. B-Boy counters a whip and after some clunky stuff gets a DVD for two. Another double-down and ohhhh now it’s the “Unearned Dramatic Fight-Up From Their Knees” spot, and after being all slow and fighting himself up for some forearms, B-Boy hits a fast Shining Wizard, then another, then hits the Face Lift (running dropkick in the corner) for two. The “how did he kick out of THAT?” kickout leads to Quackenbush doing theatrical fight-ups and screaming like a doofus, but oh nooooooooo the camera is too close for B-Boy’s “headbutts”. oh god that’s why you don’t zoom in on thosssssssssse hahaha. You could have put Yokozuna’s ass in the space between their heads. This is another double-down. Quack even does the AJW-style “Fuck YOU!” bridge-out, blocks some sloppy forearms, and hits the QuackenDriver #2 (cross-legged sit-out tombstone) for the pin at (25:53).

This was Restholdamania to begin, probably to pad out the match and let the guys have a rest considering they’d all worked thrice this night, but the chain-wrestling was inoffensive, even from Super Dragon, of whom I was anticipating to make fun. Didn’t really need like 9-10 damn minutes of working Quackenbush’s brain and neck, especially since he was barely selling it and at no point did ANYONE look close to finishing him or even attempting to hit a big move. Like, the psychology was sound but you should look like you’re trying to WIN, not just wear a guy down for an eternity. Then of course we hit the magic “time to put in effort” portion of the match as everyone lets us know they have Japan tapes and start whipping out cool things (exploder into the corner! Steen’s Chono offense! Fisherman’s buster! Quack’s weirdo pinning combos!). But then after very little has really been done, they start eating pins to 1-2 moves- Dragon and Steen go down in succession, leaving Quackenbush & B-Boy to do the “dramatic selling” thing, all “Oh no we are deadddddddddddd”. Multiple double-downs and 2.9 wrestling abounds.

One issue is that everyone is probably too wiped out to put their all into everything, so they’re barely working anger/frustration/hate/etc. and instead just blankly doing their moves, which prevents them from looking good, and the fans from getting too into it. Then Quack’s selling, which is more “I am a comedy wrestler” than anything that can be taken seriously, with his “AAHHHHHHHHH!!” shouts and dramatic arm-flailing, is a big hindrance to the back 5 of the match- like even Hulk Hogan wasn’t THAT silly with it. Never mind that he looks ridiculous and B-Boy like he spend $5 on his gear. So ultimately it’s not actively offensive for most of it (those headbutts tho) but is pretty clunky and amateurish (understandable, as it’s everyone’s third match, it’s long, and some are amateurs), had too long a “weardown” dead period, they crammed all the cool big moves way too close together so they all mean less, and the finishing stretch lacked drama or intensity because it was too sloppy and silly.

Rating: *1/2 (Indie Wrestling 101- too loose, too long, too “we all have Japan comps so look at our Movez”, and too silly with the selling… but some wasn’t bad!)

LUCK OF THE IRISH:
AMERICAN BEETLE vs. CALL-ME-KEVIN:
(Kaiju Big Battel)
* Okay, so Benjamin Kellogg recommended this in the comments last time, so BLAME HIM! Kaiju Big Battel (sp) is a recurring performance by a New York-based entertainment troupe mixing pro wrestling with tokusatsu kaiju stuff. Basically Comedy Wrestling if nobody was actually trained to wrestle. Performers are decked out in monster costumes, and it’s naturally a comedy promotion, with lucha, superhero & Japanese references, and a lot of jokes based around Engrish (in this particular match, the winner must enter a box of “Rucky Charms” and get the Lucky Charm). Like all KBB fights, this takes place in a tiny ring with a mesh cage around it. American Beetle, badly injured, comes down in a wheelchair pulled by his nurse. He’s wearing the most “human-like” garb here, with a red bodysuit, big mask, and American flag boxers. But during the pre-match announcement for him, Call-Me-Kevin, a gigantic prawn, assaults him with a board and then runs his wheelchair into the cage!

This dastardly attack continues as I realize the box of Lucky Charms takes up 1/3 of the viewing space on the stationary camera, never mind that VHS tracking lines appear on this like if you recorded over the Showcase Revue 50 weeks in a row in the 2000s (uh, hypothetically, I mean!). CMK has bludgeoned our hero enough that he starts climbing the box of Rucky Charms (which, helpfully, has large footholds in it someone in a costume can even fit! That’s… actually some impressive foresight that I’d bet a lot of indies would miss), but American Beetle heroically gets to his feet and double-pumps his fists to a riotous crowd response. Not bad getting that in a full costume! Kevin leaps down to fight him, but is immediately caught in a delayed suplex. Beetle fights to his feet and scores a rostrumcrusher, but is backdropped out of a powerbomb, and Kevin hits an insane flying splash from the TOP OF A CEREAL BOX (like seven feet!), then starts doing some abdomen-chops to taunt the fans as the announcer repeatedly cries about how Call-Me-Kevin has “no respect for ANY of you! He hates ALL of you!” really giving him the hard sell.

But Beetle recovers and starts no-selling (UGH- worse than a Young Buck!), hauls off CMK, and then back-body drops him. Beetle climbs into the Rucky Charms, and when Kevin tries to stop him, the nurse does a run-in and fights him. He beats her up and tosses the ref around (he really DOES respect no-one!), but he stomps around looking for the babyface, who is throwing out bits of cereal (a great visual indicator of him “digging”, actually) and then blasts out the side of the cereal box to reveal the charm and get the win (9:06). Naturally, it’s a giant horseshoe. It reinvigorates American Beetle, who whips Kevin off the cage and slams him. But the heel grabs the lucky charm and starts beating on the Beetle with it, then chokes him while the announcer cries about how “You’re disrespecting Irish heritage!”, but then RUCKY the Leprechaun shows up, mashing Kevin with his shillelaugh, doing an Irish jig into an assisted avalanche, and they trip Kevin in a big bump and split his pleopods (“Make a wish!”). They then dump milk and cereal on him for extra humiliation and send the fans home happy. Good! Screw you, Call-Me-Kevin!

I don’t know what’s weirder- that I’m watching a comedy troupe fake kaiju fights or that they seem to be better than Skye Blue in the ring. I mean, that shit can’t be easy to move around in, and nobody runs like they’re counting their steps! Okay so it was still clumsy and bad- they took some wild bumps but for the most part had issues moving around their costumes and pretty much the entire thing depended on how innately silly this looks like.

Rating: DUD (I mean it’s untrained dudes doing comedy bumps, lol)

now let’s see if i get any pissy comments for calling chikara a comedy promotion lol