The SmarK Rant for WWE Elimination Chamber 2025 – 03.01.25

The SmarK Rant for WWE Elimination Chamber 2025 – 03.01.25

I watched the first two episodes of Severance tonight before this and I’ve got ALL kinds of thoughts and feelings about it so far. I’ll just say, that show scratched a very specific type of itch that I haven’t felt since Lost.

Live from Toronto, ON

Your hosts are Michael Cole, Wade Barrett & Pat McAfee, who can kindly go fuck himself.

Women’s Elimination Chamber: Alexa Bliss v. Roxanne Perez v. Bayley v. Liv Morgan v. Bianca Belair v. Naomi

But first, Jade Cargill returns from injury and beats the hell out of Naomi, then slams the door on her head, blaming her for the injury and stealing the tag team titles and whatnot. So Naomi is already out and Bianca Belair is the first out of the pods and she’s still pretty broken up about her one tag team partner getting mauled by her other tag team partner, allowing Liv to run her into the pod and the cage, but Bianca sucks it up and makes a comeback before missing the handspring moonsault. Liv gets two off that. So the ring has a literal advertisement for Novocaine on it, but apparently it’s a movie and not just an outright over the counter version of the drug. But these days you never know. If it was in Canada you’d just get abstract commercials with unusually happy people telling you to ask your doctor. Canadians will get that one. Next up is Roxanne at 8:00, and she hits them both with some stuff and gets two on Liv. She hits Belair with a Trump legsweep into the cage, but Liv sneaks in with a dropkick on the apron and that gets two. Roxanne and Liv collide for a double down as Bayley is next at 10:40 and I’m not actually sure what the intervals are supposed to be. Bayley smashes Roxanne into the pod a few times and she runs wild and hits Bianca with a knee strike and sunset flip into the corner for two. Flying elbow gets two. She goes up again and Roxanne powerbombs her to the apron and then hits her own frog splash for two. Liv hits Perez with a backstabber for two. And finally Alexa is in at 14:15 as there wasn’t really much point in the pod gimmick here because everyone’s in the match now anyway. Bliss goes after Perez and slugs her down, but Bayley rolls her up for two. Bayley and Belair slug it out and then decide to work together. Bayley hits Liv with a Rose Plant on the apron, but Roxanne rolls up Bayley and puts her in the crossface. Bayley rolls to the cage and manages to escape, but Roxanne gives her a stunner in the ropes and Liv sneaks in with the Oblivion to eliminate Bayley at 19:15. Liv runs away and brawls with Belair on top of a pod and Liv takes a bump from the hair whip, allowing Bianca to hit a crossbody off the pod and everyone is out from that. And yeah, Pat namedrops SASKATOON, which as noted is very far away from Toronto. However, fuck him, we will boo the American national anthem as long as the neo-Nazi billionaire clowns “leading” the country continue their bullshit annexation rhetoric. Anyway, everyone gangs up on Perez with finishers and Bliss pins her at 23:30. Liv runs wild, but Bliss teases Sister Abigail and Liv escapes that. Belair rolls up Liv for two, but Bliss hits Sister Abigail to break that up, and Liv gets a jackknife cradle on her for the pin at 25:50. Liv with a clever spot where she smashes Belair into the cage while holding the braid, bouncing her back and forth, and that gets two. But then Belair spears her for two. Bianca powerbombs Liv repeatedly into a pod, but misses a 450, and Liv hits a codebreaker. But then she tries the Oblivion, and Bianca catches her and hits the KOD for the pin at 29:18 for the win. That seems like an unexpected result. First half of the match was really nothing and the crowd took a long time to get into it, but once it got down to the final three it was excellent and had a lot of great spots and a hot crowd. ****

Also they were like “Bianca can wrestle either Io Sky or Rhea Ripley at Wrestlemania” and I was like “Did I miss a title change?” but Rhea is wrestling Io on RAW, so it was just weirdly phrased.

Nia Jax & Candice LaRae v. Trish Stratus & Tiffany Stratton

Apparently Trish’s children are here live, so at least SOMEONE can still get comps in WWE. I bet they had to pay full face value for them, though, so they didn’t affect the gate. Trish and Tiff double-team Candice and Trish gets a neckbreaker for two. Everyone brawls on the floor and back in for a buttdrop from Nia on Tiffy and goes to a chinlock. Cole complains about Wade not listening to his commentary, and Wade notes “No one listens to your commentary, it’s a load of nonsense.” He’s not wrong. Nia goes up and Tiffy pulls her down and makes a tag to Trish, who hits Nia with high kicks and spins into a DDT for two. Nia with a back suplex for two to take over and she ragdolls Trish, setting up Candice with a dropkick for two. Candice with a suplex for one. Nia with a Rikishi tribute on Trish, but Trish somehow fights back from that and makes the hot tag to Tiffany. Handspring and Alabama Slam on Candice for two, and a double stomp gets two. She goes up and Candice trips her up, and Nia comes in with a legdrop for two. Back to Trish with a rana on Candice for two, but Nia breaks that up and tags herself in. She goes up and Trish brings her down with a really bad bulldog for two. Back to Tiffy with the moonsault on Nia for the pin at 11:41. Well that was certainly a match that happened. Didn’t really have any flow to it and felt about 5 minutes too long. **

Unsanctioned match: Sami Zayn v. Kevin Owens

They slug it out like it’s the 4 Nations Cup to start, and trade clotheslines. Wait, so are they literally doing a “lights out” match here or is there another reason for the dark stadium? It’s lit like a house show. They fight to the floor and Sami runs him into the post and the crowd already wants tables. However there’s a 25% tariff on table wood so he goes with chairs instead. KO beats on him with the chair, and Sami fires back with his own shots and then finds a hockey stick under the ring. I’d say one of them should pull out a dozen eggs as a weapon but it would probably cut into the gate too much. No wait, eggs are normal price in Canada, never mind. Sami finally does find the table, but Kevin chokes him out with the hockey stick while Pat compares him to Connor McDavid. That’s not fair, Kevin has actually won meaningful championships in his career. A pair of tables get set up for later reference and they fight into the crowd for some antics with a trash can while Michael Cole makes Oscar the Grouch references like all the youth are into. Wait I guess the youth probably would be into Sesame Street. Snark retracted. Sami with the Blue Thunder Bomb through a drinks table, destroying perfectly innocent energy drinks. Hopefully TKO got a receipt for those to claim them on the insurance forms later. Wouldn’t want to hurt the gate by giving out free tickets to children AND providing drinks free of charge. Back to ringside, Kevin beats Sami down and they head in for a battle to the top, which turns into a trip through the tables for poor Sami. Back in the ring, KO hits him with a fisherman’s buster onto an open chair, and that somehow only gets two. Kevin with the short kicks, but Sami fights back with a pair of suplexes, onto the broken chair, and it’s a good thing these sickos trust each other. Ref gets bumped and KO hits him with the stunner, which gets two from another ref, but Kevin takes him out as well and we get a third ref foolish enough to come out and work the match. So Kevin finds another table while Sami does the classic Terry Funk neck injury sell, and Kevin puts him on the table and stacks a chair on him, but that only gives Sami a weapon. Back to the top, and this time Kevin brings them down with a fisherman’s buster through the table and they’re both out. Kevin rolls over for two, as Sami manages to not be dead somehow. Kevin tries grabbing Sami by the beard and putting him in his place, but Sami fights back with a Heluva kick for two. Under the ring again for a barbed wire chair this time, as Wade correctly wonders who actually left that under the ring. And yeah, Kevin takes the chairshots, and then Sami actually sets up the chair and hits a drop toehold onto it, leaving Kevin screaming in pain like a coward. There’s a lot of Terry Funk influence in this match. Blue Thunder bomb on the barbed wire chair only gets two. Sami with one last kick attempt, but he walks into the powerbomb and bumps to the floor in desperation. But there is no mercy in Toronto and KO wraps the chair around his neck and smashes him into the post a few times, setting up the apron bomb to leave Sami for dead. Man this match lost any semblance of silliness a while ago and got really dark. Sami fights back again, so Kevin gives him ANOTHER apron bomb and the crowd is just shocked into silence. Back in the ring, that’s finally enough at 27:35. Holy shit this was the damnedest thing you’ll ever see. ******. Both guys could probably use some of that Novocaine after that match.

Afterwards, he goes for another powerbomb on the concrete this time, but Randy Orton returns to deliver some revenge with an RKO, although to be fair Kevin was just in a lengthy brawl and wasn’t really ready for another fight. And apparently the punt is back on the table, but security saves Kevin’s life and gets him out of there. So Randy hits a bunch of security geeks with RKOs instead. Fair.

Hey, there’s some celebrities at ringside! Bunch of freeloading millionaires, cutting into TKO’s record profit margins with free tickets.

Also I’m really glad I’m watching on delay because there are a SHITLOAD of commercials and video packages at this point, something like 20-30 minutes worth if I’m counting correctly.

Elimination Chamber: John Cena v. Drew Mcintyre v. CM Punk v. Damian Priest v. Logan Paul v. Seth Rollins

We start with Seth and Drew and they slug it out in the corner before Drew slams him on the apron and makes sure to exchange shit-talking with CM Punk, who then cheers on Rollins while he makes the comeback. Poor guy has to fix a dislodged light tube in the pod because otherwise TKO would probably take it out of his payday. Those things cost money! Drew and Seth fight to the apron again and Drew suplexes him out there before slingshotting him under the turnbuckles. Next into the match is Damian Priest at 5:20 and he trades shots with Dew while Pat steals my Novocaine joke and then Priest tosses Rollins with a Razor’s Edge to the apron, although that’s more of a border toss if we’re being honest with ourselves. Drew tries the Claymore and it misses, but he just powerbombs Seth onto Priest instead and that gets two. Crowd gives us a well earned “Fuck you Logan” chant. Everyone is down and Logan Paul is next into the match to nuclear heat, with a springboard on Drew for two. Moonsault on Priest gets two. Neckbreaker on Rollins gets two. But then Priest takes him out and casts him into the pod, making him a podcaster, and then hits Drew with a ropewalk rana. Logan comes back but walks into a superkick from Rollins that gets two. John Cena is next and he’s throwing the bombs on everyone, but walks into a Claymore, only for Priest to cradle Drew and pin him at 13:14.

Man Cena is so pasty white that I’m surprised he hasn’t been given a cabinet position yet. Logan goes to the top of the pod with a frog splash on Priest and that gets the pin at 14:25. And Punk is the last guy in and goes right after Paul. I know no one wants to hear it but that would actually be a hell of a WM match. Punk smashes Paul into the pod for some well deserved head injury and goes up the cage, but he stops to have a sign-pointing contest with John Cena and gets laid out by Rollins. This is very rude of him, so Cena tries the AA and they slug it out to settle matters like men. Until Logan Paul attacks them both. He tries the buckshot, but Punk catches him and thankfully pins him with a GTS at 18:34 to end the greatest existential threat of our lifetimes: Logan Paul in the main event of Wrestlemania. Wade notes that Punk and Cena have been apart for so long that eggs were $1.99 a dozen last time they were in the ring together. They still are that price. I mean, not in the US, but everywhere else. Punk and Cena team up with a Hart Attack on Rollins and get back to their rivalry, but Punk wants a hug first and then they punch each other to celebrate. They trade takedowns and Punk hits the running knee, but Cena tries for the STF and they do a nice reversal sequence to put Punk in the move on the second try.

Punk reverses to the Anaconda Vice, but Cena rolls him over for two and Punk puts him down with a neckbreaker for two. Punk goes up and Cena catches him on the bodypress and hits him with the AA for two. Cena goes up and Rollins trips him up and powerbombs him into the cage and then podcasts him. Punk catches Seth with a small package for two, but the Pedigree gets two. They head to the apron and Punk escapes a Pedigree out there and drops the big elbow in the ring, but Rollins buckle bombs him and follows with the curb stomp for two. He gets flustered and goes up, but Cena brings him down, into a GTS from Punk, and the AA from Cena allows Punk to get the pin at 30:05. This leaves us with Punk and Cena, which is what the match has been building towards with all the sign-pointing and hugs. But this time Punk turns on him with the GTS for two. Cena with the AA for two. But then Seth hits Punk with the curb stomp on the apron on the way out of the ring, and Cena pounces on Punk’s body with the STF and puts him out at 32:30 to win the title shot. Can’t fault the hustle on big time movie star Cena. ****1/2

Afterwards, that brings out Cody Rhodes for the requisite handshake and sign-pointing, but Final Boss Rock interrupts and brings a rap guy with him that I’m assuming the youths recognize. So Rock has one more creepy offer to absorb Cody’s soul and take all of Cody’s soul, but Cody has already given his soul to the ring and the fans so it’s not for sale. And so we get the Christian Cage answer to Rock’s offer. But although Cody isn’t for sale…John Cena is, and he FINALLY TURNS HEEL. THIS IS NOT A DRILL, THIS IS WHAT THE BLOG HAS BEEN WAITING FOR SINCE 2005. I am 150% on board on Hollywood John Cena as the megaheel challenger desperate for one last World title to break the record. And Cody sells like the babyface of all babyfaces, getting busted open and clothes torn apart while the movie stars decimate him. Holy shit, you cannot say they aren’t swinging for the fences with that one.

WHAT A SHOW! This was an all-timer, with three great matches and one all-time shocking angle to end it and set up a definitive main event for Wrestlemania. Thumbs way up, probably the best WWE PPV of the last two years.