The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 09.25.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 09.25.00

You know, for some reason today I’m thinking a lot about idiot man-children who destroy everything they touch and then blame everyone but themselves for it. Not sure why.

Live from Long Island, NY, drawing 2800 paid and a 2.75 rating, both considered gigantic disappointments. For those keeping track, this was supposed to be the show where they turned it around…again. In the Observer for this week, Dave notes that Russo is pretty much on his last legs as booker, which is why he’s been booking himself as the top heel and biggest focus of the show, in order to make himself appear more valuable. Spoiler: It didn’t work.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Scott Hudson & Mark Madden

“So it’s come to this” notes Tony in an appropriate opening.

Meanwhile, Vince Russo shows up in the limo with bootlicker Jeremy Borash in advance of his World title shot tonight.

I Quit match: Big Vito v. Johnny the Bull

It’s stickball bat v. kendo stick, and Vito beats on Johnny with whichever one he uses and slugs away in the corner. Also his younger sister, Maria, is watching from the audience as we add yet another useless non-wrestling character to an already overstuffed roster. Johnny fights back with his stick to take over and puts him down with a spinkick. And then they hit each other some more with sticks, but Johnny goes low and Vito quickly recovers from that and hits him with the stick some more. But then Reno runs in and sends Vito into the post before hitting him with the stick some more. This is apparently too much for Maria to take and she also runs in and gives up on Vito’s behalf at 5:00. ½*. Yup, we already can’t book a clean finish in an I Quit match and it’s only the first match.

Meanwhile, David Flair randomly finds some guy using a payphone and threatens him into directions to an address. OK this version of David is kinda winning me over.

Jeff Jarrett & Scott Steiner join us and insult the local sporting teams and some guy in the audience named Jumbo. So we bring out Vince Russo, who puts over Long Island and then notes that he now lives in Atlanta, but buries it as a backwards hick city. I’m very confused about this promo. Is he supposed to be making himself a babyface or a heel? But then Sting and Booker show up on the Nitro-Tron, and tell Russo to look behind him. And standing somewhere in the crowd is Goldberg, nowhere near the ring. Terrifying.

Meanwhile, Mike Sanders confronts Kronik and kicks them out of the tag team battle royale later tonight as a punishment for whatever they did on Thunder that we didn’t see.

WCW Tag team title battle royale:

The titles were vacated last week in tortured storyline manner via Disqo being an idiot and something with his inflatable duck. Jindrak & O’Haire toss Kaz out at 1:00, and Helms goes over the top and through a table at 1:15. Konnan, on commentary, notes that Three Count “is real popular in bathhouses” and notes that they go through a lot of hand lotion. So Kronik comes out and tosses the Harris Brothers while Konnan desperately tries to get his jokes over. Jung Dragons are out, Three Count are out, MIA are out, and then security tackles them and hauls Kronik out, leaving Jindrak & O’Haire and the Animals as the last teams standing. So Rey and Juvy make the comeback and fly around, but Disqo runs in with his duck and accidentally hits Juvy and pulls him out. The bell rings, but Rey is still alive and so we keep going, so O’Haire drops Rey on the top rope and he’s finally out at 6:04 to make the NBT the tag champions. So if you were gonna put the Animals in the match and have Jindrak & O’Haire beat them, why bother vacating the titles and doing this stupid battle royale? Why not just, you know, BEAT THEM?

Meanwhile, Howard Stern’s freakshow gang chats with Mean Gene about judging the bikini contest tonight. Kevin Nash and his NBT stop by to make fun of them.

Insane Clown Posse v. Mike Awesome

They all brawl on the bus and Violent J gets thrown through a table, and then Awesome powerbombs Shaggy on top of the bus and pins him at 2:00. Most notable thing here was J doing a lengthy promo before the match where he named all the doofus members of the JCW roster as some kind of flex.

Meanwhile, David Flair can’t find the address, and decides to stop at a Chuck E Cheese and harass an employee before diving into the ballpit looking for the father.

The Cat joins us and threatens to fire anyone who interferes in the cage match tonight. So this brings Mike Sanders out and Cat kicks his ass, and then Coach Nash brings out the rest of the “Natural born ratings killers” as Cat dubs them, and Reno ROLLS THE DICE on Cat before the beatdown commences.

WCW Bikini contest:

So this is pretty lame, as we get the usual assortment of Nitro Girls and Torrie and Major Gunns, but Jim Duggan comes out and covers up Gunns so she doesn’t disgrace Canada. The only thing she’s disgracing is actual actors judging by her lines here. So the Whack Pack is about to cast their vote, but host Pamela Paulshock takes off her fur coat because she’s too warm, and reveals her hyper-inflated boobs, thus winning the contest despite not being entered. So there’s a story behind this, because of course there is, and there ended up being heat on Pamela because they did a rehearsal contest in Las Vegas, where Pamela no-showed because she wasn’t booked to win and claimed an ankle injury to get out of it. So to get her to show up this time, they booked her to win this one, which pissed off all the other women who felt like Pam was being rewarded for no-showing the previous contest. I know, shocking that something like that would happen in wrestling.

Disqo and his Duck join us and declares himself the only member of the Filthy Animals, and goes to introduce his new partner, but Scott Steiner hits the ring and beats him up. And he wants Goldberg, who answers and wants a cage match tonight. So the cage lowers, but Steiner runs away into the audience and they brawl at ringside, before Goldberg throws him in to start the match.

Impromptu Cage match: Scott Steiner v. Goldberg

Yeah they’re just putting a cage match between Scott Steiner and Goldberg on a random Nitro without even advertising it, what’s the problem? You think they actually wanna make money on PPV by that point? Puh-lease. There’s no referee here, and Goldberg hits him with a press slam and they fight to the floor. Back in, Steiner gets the belly to belly and puts the boots to him, and then goes up with a flying clothesline. Goldberg makes a comeback and Scott kicks him in the nuts, allowing Midajah to bring him his trusty lead pipe. So Scott beats him down with that, but he gets all distracted yelling at Jumbo at ringside, allowing Goldberg to hit the spear. And then he walks out at 4:43 to win, as they neglected to mention how you actually win the match until now. **

Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett hits one of the Stern crew with the guitar.

Meanwhile, Booker wants us all to remember to hate the game and not the player. I dunno man, Kendrick Lamar hated the player and he won FIVE Grammies for it! I’d say that’s a pretty good endorsement for being a player-hater for all the kids out there.

Jeff Jarrett v. General Rection

Jeff slugs away in the corner but the General comes back with a slam and goes up, but misses an elbow and Jeff puts the boots to him. JJ chokes him out on the ropes, but Rection comes back with a powerbomb for two. Powerslam gets two, but Lance Storm and Elix Skipper run in. So Rection takes them out and goes to the top, but Jim Duggan hits Rection with the 2×4 and the Stroke finishes at 2:00. Overexposing Jim Duggan as a heel is not an issue I would have bet on this show having but here we are. Beatdown commences, but Sting makes the save as I’m incredibly lost as to who is supposed to be feuding with whom.

Afterwards, Lance challenges Sting to a match TONIGHT IN THIS VERY RING so that Canada can teach him a little respect.

Lance Storm v. Sting

We’re joined in progress as the formatting of this show is all over the damn place, with stuff abruptly just going To The Back and now the match starting during the break. Someone was very sloppy formatting this thing. They fight to the top and Storm can’t hit the superplex, but Sting misses the Stinger splash and they head to the floor, but where Sting misses the splash again and hits the railing. Back in the ring, Storm hits the missile dropkick and hits a Blue Thunder Bomb for two. Back to the top with a cross-body, but Sting rolls through for two. Sting makes the comeback with the Stinger splash and Scorpion, but Lance reverses him into the Maple Leaf in a slick move. Sting makes the ropes and tries the Death Drop, but Lance counters out of that, but then he tries a slam and Sting turns it into the Death Drop for the pin at 4:20. You’d think this would set up a US title feud between Storm and Sting. I’m betting it didn’t. ***

For those keeping track, which certainly wasn’t anyone running the show at this point, Lance Storm actually lost and regained the US title to Terry Funk in a pair of house shows in Texas over the weekend. This was totally ignored on TV and never acknowledged in any form. I didn’t even know it happened until watching this episode and checking on the title histories.

Meanwhile, David Flair shows up at the address, but can’t find the father, because he’s at the wrong house and actually wants the next house over. Scott Hudson thinks he recognizes the address, but there’s no one home because the father is on vacation and he’s been gone for a week. Of course no one ever says the name of the mysterious person we’re waiting for.

Meanwhile, Vince Russo pledges to win the WCW title tonight in Long Island.

WCW World title: Booker T v. Vince Russo

Russo is wearing full football gear and helmet. The locker room empties to watch this match for some reason. Vince hits him a few times with the baseball bat, but the babyfaces won’t let him exit the cage, so Vince pulls out a ladder and tears up a piece of the ceiling so he can exit that way. But then Mike Awesome climbs the cage to stop him, and Sting rappels from the ceiling as well to stop the gigantic threat that is Vince Russo. Why is Booker even selling for this guy? Russo pulls off the helmet and boots him down, and hauls him out to the floor for a beating. But then Lex Luger returns via the crowd and gives Russo a lead pipe so he can take over again before knocking the ref out. But then one of the EMTs who runs in turns out to be Ric Flair, who attacks Russo and puts him in the figure-four. And that brings out the entire Natural Born Thriller team to brawl with the babyfaces at ringside as this is the most needlessly overbooked garbage possible. Booker with the axe kick and side kick and he goes to walk out, but Goldberg’s music hits and Booker decides not to leave for some reason. So he lets Goldberg in, but Scott Steiner comes out now to delay Booker, who walks out just as Goldberg spears Russo through the cage and into the railing with a vicious thud, thus knocking his remaining brain cells loose and thankfully costing him his position as booker once and for all. And of course next week would see the fallout that we all dreaded was coming. This was a gigantic clusterfuck of epic proportions, on all levels. Why the fuck did they spend the match trying to convince us that VINCE RUSSO was any kind of threat to actually win the match? Who does that possibly help? -***

I should point out that Halloween Havoc is coming up in a few weeks and there was absolutely nothing on this show that had anything to do with building to that PPV. Like the entire show was just built around Russo challenging for the WCW title with no thought to any other storyline. I mean I guess if there’s a bright side it’s that we’re almost on the other side of Russo’s tenure as idiot in chief. I’ll take what I can get.