The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 12.12.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 12.12.00

Originally written 07.30.26

Uh, so I guess this is TUESDAY Nitro then? Apparently it’s just part of the general WCW chaos at this point, as the show got bumped by TNT for a David Copperfield special on 12/11 and they didn’t advertise it or even tell a lot of the WCW production staff. I mean, RAW on Monday featured the fallout from one of the biggest angles in company history the night before, so they would have been destroyed anyway. It’s also the go-home show for Starrcade 2000 and I guess I redo that one next.

Your wacky Jeff Jarrett open of the week features Jeff Jarrett taking out an Emeril Lagasse style cook. Man I miss Emeril.

Taped from Bossier City, LA, with 5412 paid.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Scott Hudson & Straight Shootin’ Stevie Ray. Mark Madden is currently suspended and I’m not 100% sure if he ever comes back.

Meanwhile, Mike Sanders promises to make a special match for Lex Luger.

Ric Flair joins us to start, and he’s aware that people are mad about him taking Sid off the show last week, so he brought them back this week with the understanding that there will be no contact and only talking tonight. Sounds like a normal WCW 2000 show to me. Also I like Flair’s haircut during this period, it was an underrated look for him, I feel like. Also Booker T might be back tonight if Scott gets out of line. So Steiner is gonna wrestle the Wall in the main event tonight, which is for the World title for some reason. So Mike Sanders interrupts and wonders why Flair is so obsessed with Scott Steiner. Sander stumbles on his “This crowd is full of ugly poor people” rhetoric and makes a three-way tag team match with the Insiders and four of the Thrillers for later tonight. Flair is so excited about this that he dances in delight, and then makes Sid v. Sanders for later tonight and if anyone interferes, they’re fired. This duelling matchmaker stuff is so stupid but Flair was so excited to be out there hamming it up as a babyface and it ended up as a fun segment.

Meanwhile, Lash Leroux says hello to Scott Steiner, and Scott is all THAT’S MY PURSE, I DON’T KNOW YOU!, and beats him up.

Meanwhile, Jindrak & O’Haire steal equipment from Goldberg’s dressing room for some reason, and even they don’t know why.

Meanwhile, Disco says hello to Buddy Lee Parker and gets his ass kicked as a result. Yeah leave it to Disco to get owned by the Leprechaun.

Lance Storm & Major Gunns v. The Cat & Miss Jones

Lance offers a stipulation where Cat has to sing the Canadian national anthem on Thunder if he loses. So Cat wants Storm to sing the American national anthem if he loses. High stakes indeed. So we start with Miss Jones and Major Gunns, and Gunns dropkicks her into the corner, which is basically a highspot for these two. They do a slow motion irish whip and Jones gets her one move, the high kick, for two. Gunns thankfully tags out and brings Storm in and Stevie is losing his mind already. Cat makes a comeback and drops the elbow on Storm, then hits the Feliner out of the corner for two, but Gunns puts the foot on the ropes. So the ladies brawl at ringside while Stevie is deeply into it, and Skipper runs in to help. But then Jim Duggan tosses his board into the ring and Cat grabs it and knocks out Storm for the pin at 3:00. Duggan badly wanted to turn babyface again at this point. Match was dumb but fine for what it was. *

Meanwhile, General Rection, or whatever he is now, yells at Lash and Wall about their slacker ways backstage.

Meanwhile, Mike Sanders rallies his troops and makes age jokes about the Insiders. Allegedly they were in an antique store the other day, and the owner kept them. Huge if true. Also that would constitute kidnapping so I somehow doubt that his story is based on truth. Anyway, Kronik is being added to the three-way match announced earlier.

Norman Smiley v. the MONSTER MENG

Norman has decided that he’s hardcore again after waffling back and forth all year, but now he’s back to his roots and issues an open challenge, which is opened by Meng. Also, Crowbar is on commentary as Gordon Solie, with an unimpressed Daffney joining him. Norman runs Meng into a trash can and Meng no-sells it before they brawl to the floor. Norman attacks Santa Claus and steals his bag of toys. They slug it out by DJ Ran and head back to the ring, where Santa turns on Meng and it’s a DQ at 3:35. So Meng is blinded by chimney soot and accidentally goozles Paisley, and Santa turns out to be Terry Funk, who beats on Meng with a chair and takes 6 or 7 chairshots to finally put him down. And then he does the promo claiming to be the real Santa Claus while beating on everyone with the chair and going HO HO HO. And he finally challenges Crowbar Solie to a title match at Starrcade to wrap it up in a bow. Crowbar graciously agrees, so Funk hits him in the face with the chair and knocks him out. Zero stars for the match, ONE MILLION BILLION STARS for Terry Funk saving the whole show and maybe the whole of 2000 with this. I can’t imagine anything on this show topping this segment.

Meanwhile, Sarge demands Lex Luger tonight, but Mike Sanders can only offer Lex on Thunder instead.

Meanwhile, the Harris Brothers find a pair of giant sandwiches backstage, and the Filthy Animals watch them from their dressing room, as apparently there is some kind of hilarious rib involved.

Meanwhile, Cajun announces that he’s facing Shane Douglas by himself, and Rection freaks out because he sounds like Chavo.

Sid Vicious v. Mike Sanders

Sanders tries to claim a medical emergency, but Sid puts him down with a big boot and chokeslam while Tony FINALLY mentions that Sid was stripped of the World title in April and never actually lost it. Powerbomb finishes at 0:57. Sid didn’t even bother with his gear for this, which is peak Sid.

Meanwhile, Kronik attacks Reno backstage, but his brother Vito makes the save as I continue to not understand this storyline. So this apparently leads to Vito and Reno facing Kronik at Starrcade because they’re a family again.

DDP & Kevin Nash v. Sean O’Haire & Mark Jindrak v. Shawn Stasiak & Chuck Palumbo v. Kronik

BREAKING: Kronik is not actually in the match because of what happened in the last segment, so it’s back to a three-way again. Why would you even announce that change in the first place? Nash runs wild on the Thrillers but walks into the Jungle Kick from Palumbo and a double suplex from the Thrillers gets two. Nash clotheslines two of them, doesn’t matter which ones, they’re all the same, and it’s hot tag DDP, but he gets hit in the nuts to turn the tide. “What a joke this three way dance is” notes Scott. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. The Thrillers work on Page for a bit. Stevie: “What happens to the Insiders if they lose this match?” Tony: “Well, nothing.” You have to love WCW 2000. It’s like watching Homer Simpson try to play chess. Nash runs wild and lays out a bunch of Thrillers, but he falls down and O’Haire hits him with the swanton bomb. And Stasiak takes out DDP with the belt and puts Palumbo on top of Nash for the pin at 4:25. This was certainly a match that happened. *1/2

Goldberg v. Sgt. Buddy Lee Leprechaun

This is of course filled with emotion because the little guy trained Goldberg and taught him everything, and Goldberg doesn’t want to kill his own trainer. So Lex Luger comes out and tells them to get on with it. Sarge attacks Goldberg, but Bill spears him and jackhammers him at 2:54. So Sarge now gets to face Luger on Thunder and no doubt get destroyed there as well. What a storyline.

Meanwhile, Jamie Knoble stops by some heels, looking for help to get out of his team with Evan Karagias.

Shane Douglas v. Lash LeRoux

Douglas attacks, but Lash lays him out and slugs away before slamming him for two. Snap suplex gets two. Lash takes him to the floor with a headscissors and follows with a dive before slamming him onto the announce table. Back in the ring, they collide for a double down, but Chavo heads down and tries to give Lash a chair, but Douglas grabs a chain, so Lash hits him with the chair and draws the DQ at 2:50. *1/2

Meanwhile, there was apparently a WCW Nitro trading card game. Goddamn, talk about a product that writes its own jokes. “Tony Schiavone tries and fails to take over the company again, miss a turn”

Meanwhile, the Harris Brothers have finished all the sandwiches that were loaded with laxatives. Jeff Jarrett tells them to come follow him, but their tummies are REALLY bothering them. Oh, there’s gonna be some hilarity!

Meanwhile, Mike Awesome challenges Bam Bam to an ambulance match at Starrcade.

Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett is distracted by the Harris Brothers struggling with diarrhea.

The Filthy Animals v. Jeff Jarrett & The Harris Brothers

This is an elimination tag match, although the Harris Brothers are busy eliminating POOP from their BUTTS because of the wacky Animals and their hilarious prank. So JJ goes it alone and Konnan hits him with the carpet muncher before the other two come in for the double-team. But Jeff tosses Kidman and hits Konnan with the Stroke for the pin at 0:53. Konnan is such a fucking geek. Kidman necks Jeff from the floor and Rey springboards in with the legdrop for two. Jeff with a delayed suplex on Rey, so delayed they should call it the sale of the company, but Kidman gets the hot tag and comes in with a missile dropkick. DDT and he goes up with a flying splash for two. They put Jarrett in the corner and hit him with the broncobuster, but Jarrett crotches Rey and bumps the ref. Jeff grabs the guitar and it’s El Kabong for Kidman, but Rey rolls him up for the pin at 3:55. No idea what the point of this being an elimination match was, and the Animals looked like complete dorks, having to sell while 3-on-1 with a midcarder. **

Meanwhile, Sid decides to meet Scott Steiner in the parking lot to get around Flair’s edict. Brilliant strategy.

WCW World title: Scott Steiner v. Sgt. A-Wall

Not to be confused with the other Sarge on the show. Scott beats on Wall in the corner, but Wall clotheslines him for two. Steiner with the belly to belly for two and he follows with the clothesline and elbowdrop for two. They brawl on the floor and Scott runs him into the railing and beats him down with a chair. Back in the ring, Wall comes back with a powerslam for two and he adds a chokeslam, but instead of going for the pin he sets up a table instead. Shit, I remember when Thesz did that against Harley Race and it cost him the World title. And indeed, Scott suplexes Wall through the table and puts him away with the Steiner Recliner at 5:35 to retain. * And then he chokes out Wall with the pipe afterwards, but Sid calls him out from the parking lot. And so Scott heads out there for the brawl as the go-home angle for Starrcade, as they wreck several cars for no reason and Scott beats his ass to end the show.

Next time: WCW Starrcade 2000 REDO!

This was at least a more entertaining show than usual, although the matches mostly sucked, but Terry Funk as Santa Claus is a high bar to clear for entertainment.