The SmarK Rant for WWE Royal Rumble 2025 – 02.01.25

The SmarK Rant for WWE Royal Rumble 2025 – 02.01.25

First one on Netflix for me. We’ll see how this goes.

Live from Indianapolis, IN

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Pat McAfee & Wade Barrett

Stephanie McMahon joins us to start, probably because she’s the only WWE executive not named as a potential defendant in the Janel Grant lawsuit.

Women’s Royal Rumble:

We’ve got Iyo Sky at #1 and Liv Morgan at #2 and HOLY SHIT this feed is already chugging and we haven’t even made it out of the first match yet. These fuckers just raised the price of the Super Premium 14K tier or whatever I’m paying for ($24 a month in Canada!) and I’d kinda expect it not to run like a 90s video player. They trade acrobatics to start and Liv sends Iyo to the apron, but then gets put out there herself and they fight until Roxanne Perez is #3 at 2:05. She runs wild on both and gets a wacky double neckbreaker/legsweep combo, but they all head to the apron and can’t get each other out. Lyra Valkyria is #4 at 4:05 and she runs wild with a tornado DDT on Iyo into a fisherman’s suplex. But then she nearly loses her top due to wardrobe malfunction and gets taken out so she can fix it, and the other women fight in the corner to cover. Iyo is nearly put out but hangs on, and Chelsea Green is #5 at 6:22. She gets some shots on everyone and then Points At Sign, which is a Rumble faux pas according to Michael.

B-Fab is #6 at 8:30 as these intervals are getting longer for some reason. Fab gets a couple of sloppy moves and everyone hangs out on the ropes. Ivy Nile is #8 at 10:30 and she throws some suplexes, hitting Chelsea and Perez with a double german. Zoey Stark is #8 at 12:20 and she runs wild as this match desperately needs some eliminations. Zoey hits Chelsea with a high kick and goes up with a blockbuster, breaking the cardinal rule of the Rumble: NEVER GO TO THE TOP ROPE. Liv tries to put Chelsea out on the apron, but can’t push her out. Lash Legend is #9 at 14:35 and hopefully she’s better than she was when I saw her in NXT. So she runs wild and hits people with some stuff, and then she also Points At Sign and then powerbombs Nile. Fab and Legend have a terrible slugfest and Chelsea finally throws B-Fab out at 16:31.

Bianca Belair is #10 at 16:50 and this feed is dogshit. I’m gonna have to switch to the WWE Network after this match. Bianca tosses a bunch of people to the apron but not out, and then piles up multiple people in the corner and slugs away on them in a wacky spot. I’m very thankful to see SOMEONE trying something different besides the usual kicks and slams. Shayna Baszler is #11 at 19:30 so now we’re nearly 3:00 between entrants. Zoey tries a buckshot lariat and nearly pulls a Punk on the way in before recovering. Lyra goes up with a missile dropkick, and Nile throws her out at 21:08. See, never got to the top rope. Nothing good happens. Bayley is #12 at 21:30 as the pileup continues. They have a graphic about Liv being in the ring for 22 minutes but you wouldn’t know because she’s been laying in the corner for the entire match and hasn’t done shit. Zoey and Shayna double-team Bayley, and Sonya Deville is #13 at 23:38. So yeah, she runs wild and directs her henchwomen to beat people up as this thing is way too packed.

Maxxine Dupri is #14 at 25:40 and Ivy goes after her, but Maxxine suplexes her and everyone is just STANDING AROUND and not actually trying to win the match. Maxxine with the Caterpillar and she puts Ivy out at 27:30, but then the PFC put her out at 27:34. Thanks for coming. Naomi is #15 at 27:40 and she does her usual stuff and then gets beaten down. Bianca and Naomi team up on Zoey and toss her at 29:53, and Shayna gets thrown out by Bayley at the same time, and Sonya also goes out but we don’t see it. Jaida Parker is #16 at 30:40 and I’m not familiar with her and neither is the crowd. The announcers are already calling her a future Hall of Famer, and the match grinds to a halt while various people form an alliance, but Cheasea throws out Lash at 32:14. Piper Niven is #17 at 32:35, giving Green some backup, and she beats up the tag champs and hits Iyo with the Samoa Joe slam out of the corner. But then Chelsea goes to the apron and Piper accidentally knocks her out at 34:20. Chelsea was having a fun run in the match and the crowd liked her, and I’m sad to see her go. Natalya is #18 at 34:40 and runs wild with slams and there’s nothing going on. Jordynne Grace is #19 at 36:50, having LIED about not being in town for the show apparently. I’m shocked. Grace puts Parker on the apron and out at 37:45, and then hits Piper with a death valley driver for a big pop before reuniting with Naomi. So Bianca tries to throw Grace out, but she hangs on.

Michin is #20 at 38:50 and she does nothing of note as we cruise forward with Alexa Bliss at #21 at 40:40 to finally get a big surprise entrant. Guess they worked out that contract. Natalya tries to powerbomb her out of the ring, but Alexa fights her way back in and Zelina Vega is #22 at 43:00. I think one of the problems that the match is having is that the stadium is so gigantic that it takes FOREVER for someone to get into the ring, which makes for a lot of empty downtime between the pop for the entrance and when they actually start doing stuff. We get another pile of people in the corners and the tag champs double-team Perez. Candice Lerae is #23 at 45:10 as we’re up to 13 people in the ring now and absolutely nothing happening. Stephanie Vaquer is #24 at 47:20 and she gets a decent pop but there’s so many people in the ring that it’s pretty much impossible for anyone to stand out at this point. Trish Stratus is #25 at 49:10, although they had to pay another 25% to get her to come in thanks to tariffs. Trish does her stuff as we’re up to 15 people in the ring, half of the entire field for the match, and it continues to drag.

Raquel Rodriguez is #26 at 51:10 and she puts Nattie and Liv on the apron, allowing Liv to put Nattie out at 52:30. Alexa also goes to the apron and Liv puts her out at 52:52. Well that was a waste of Alexa. Charlotte is magic #27 at 53:20, because OF COURSE SHE IS, and she gets pryo for her entrance, BECAUSE OF COURSE SHE DOES. Her entrance takes up the entire interval and then she throws chops at everyone and boots Michin off the apron at 56:15 before coming back in with a crossbody. She reverses a suplex from Grace & Vaquer into a double DDT and backdrops Piper out at 57:24 as we go over 4:00 for the interval. Giulia makes her Rumble debut at #28 at 57:30 and we’re back up to 14 people in the ring again. She puts Grace out at 59:48 with a knee off the apron, leading to a showdown with Vaquer, but then they decide to work together and everyone battles around them. Nia Jax is #29 at 60:43 as we’re well over an hour and not even finished with entrances yet. Nia pulls out Vega at 61:39, and Trish tosses Candice out at 62:13. Trish tries the Big Show elimination on Nia, but gets thrown out at 62:56. And Nikki Bella is our other surprise at #30, at 63:22.

Everyone gangs up on Jax but gets nowhere. Nikki tries to put Roxanne out but can’t get her to the floor, and then Vaquer and Iyo battle on the apron but both hang on. And then we get a giant pile of women on the apron and Nia just throws everyone out at 66:50. Including Liv, who did absolutely nothing in the match, went over an hour, and then got thrown out in a giant pile of other people. Thanks for coming. Giulia and Perez fight on the apron and try to get Charlotte out, but she fights them off with big boots and Giulia is out at 68:29. We are way beyond the time to wrap this thing up. And Nikki slugs Bayley out at 69:04 and then gets put out by Nia.

Final Three: Charlotte, Nia Jax & Roxanne Perez.

Roxanne dives onto Nia, but Charlotte dumps them both out at 70:15 to win one of the most anticlimactic Royal Rumbles I’ve ever seen. The match was sponsored by Slim Jims but it desperately needed a little excitement. Zero surprise about who was winning it, no memorable performances, WAY too many people in the ring from start to finish, and just insanely long. Basically just an extended battle royale. **1/2

WWE tag team title, 2/3 falls: DIY v. The Motor City Machine Guns

Interestingly, Cole namedrops FTR and Adam Cole when running down Gargano’s history of 2/3 falls matches. The Guns put DIY on the floor and follow with a dive from Sabin, who somehow looks the same age as he did in 2010. Or maybe that’s the Netflix feed, I dunno. Back in the ring, Ciampa pounds on Sabin with elbows and DIY double-teams him to take over. Shelley gets a hot tag, but goes after the wrong man, and Ciampa hits him with a knee strike and pins him at 3:18 to win the first fall.

Ciampa works a headlock on Shelley , but Alex fights them both off until Gargano gets a powerbomb for two. Shelley gets a double flatliner on them , but Ciampa cuts off the tag and distracts the ref, allowing DIY to hit a Shatter Machine for two. Shelley blocks the Gargano spear with a superkick and makes the hot tag to Sabin, who runs wild with kicks from the apron and a springboard dive to the floor. Back in, they double-team Gargano with the neckbreaker/splash combo and pin him at 9:00 to even it up.

Johnny slugs it out with Sabin for a double down as they continue to rush through this thing, and Ciampa hits the Fairytale Ending for two. Project Ciampa gets two. Ciampa goes up for the Air Raid Crash and Sabin escapes that and hangs Ciampa in the Tree of Woe before suplexing Johnny into Ciampa. Double-team blockbuster gets two on Ciampa, but Johnny saves. Johnny superkicks Ciampa by mistake and the Guns hit him with kicks, but the Street Profits run in and hit the Guns with crutches, allowing DIY to finish with the double knees at 14:00. And then the Profits turn on DIY afterwards as Wade points out that none of this makes sense and Cole is like ACKSHULLY and proceeds to give a tortured explanation. I’m not a Smackdown viewer and I didn’t even know the Profits were still doing stuff on TV to be honest. Just a dull TV match with a shitty finish and no heat. **. What was even the point of the 2/3 falls stip?

And then we get a MOTHERFUCKING SHITLOAD of commercials before finally getting to the next match. Thankfully I’m 2 hours behind the live feed so I can skip through them but good lord.

WWE title, ladder match: Cody Rhodes v. Kevin Owens

Somehow, both Cody and Kevin have got their titles back after hanging them up on SNME. They slug it out and Owen beats him down in the corner, but he goes for the ladder and Cody clobbers him from behind and that allows KO to slam him onto the ladder and break the support. Ouch. Kevin smashes him RIGHT INTO THE WINGSTOP and they fight into the crowd while the announcers note that it’s hard to see them out there. Yeah it’s kind of weird that they have a giant stadium with 70,000 people and keep it so dark. Not even being sarcastic, I legit don’t know why they don’t turn up the lights on the crowd more than they do here. Why fill a huge building and then shoot it like TV arena? Back in the ring, Kevin goes for the ladder and Cody pulls him down and runs him into the ladder while Cole gives us what we’ve been waiting to hear: THE GATE. Oh yeah, that’s the good stuff. Hope they specify how much the high rollers at ringside are paying, too.

They fight on the floor and Cody runs Kevin into the stairs after a ladder bridge gets set up, but KO finds a stepladder and beats Cody down with that. Kevin teases a flying splash off the stepladder but chickens out, allowing Cody to use the stepladder himself and make the climb. Kevin brings him down and suplexes him on the stepladder, but Cody climbs again and hangs off the belt holder until KO brings him down with a powerbomb. Back to the floor and Kevin finds another ladder under the ring, but Cody suplexes him onto it as they’re having a surprising amount of trouble finding their groove here. It’s fine, but it’s 15:00 into the match and just kind of meandering along. Cody uses a piece of the ladder for some shots and gets superkicked, and KO beats him down with the loose rung and chokes him out on the ropes. Back with the stepladder for more shots and Kevin finds a 14^th ladder under the ring as it’s like the Women’s Royal Rumble but with ladders instead of midcarders clogging up the ring. Cody backdrops Owens onto a sideways ladder in a sick spot, and KO does not need to be doing that shit at this stage in his career. Cody climbs again, but Kevin powerbombs him onto another ladder and the back of his head slams onto that. Kevin goes up and Cody tries to bring him down, but KO gets the fisherman’s buster off the top and onto a ladder. So both guys are down and the officials stop the match and check both guys out, which gives Sami Zayn a chance to hit the ring. He doesn’t do anything, and Cody hits Crossroads before they head to the floor again and Cody runs him into the post to bust him open. They head to the table and Owens goes low, but Cody hits the Alabama slam through the ladder bridge, which had been there for like 15 minutes, waiting to be used. And then Cody just makes the climb and retains the title at 25:00 after struggling to unbuckle the belts. Aside from a few sick bumps, this was actually pretty boring and didn’t really tell much of a story. And what was the point of Sami Zayn being out there? ***

This is why they need to split up the Rumbles next year, because we’re 3 hours into the show and there’s only been the 3 matches.

Men’s Royal Rumble:

We’ve got Rey Mysterio at #1 and Penta at #2, although he’s #3 with tariffs factored in. They slug it out to start and immediately tumble together to the apron, but they’re both back in and then tease another trip to the floor before Penta pulls himself back in. Rey goes up and Penta sweeps the leg and brings him down, and Chad Gable is #3 at 2:30. I was kind of hoping they’d speed this one up but I guess not. Chad tries to backdrop Penta out but can’t get him past the apron. And then he slingshots Rey to the apron and can’t get him out either. Carmelo Hayes is #4 at 5:00 and goes after Rey, but gets taken down with a headscissors as a result. He teams up with Gable and drops an elbow on Rey to recover, but Gable turns on him and hits him with a german suplex. Man, Melo seemed like he was gonna be a giant star while in NXT, what happened to him? Santos Escobar is #5 at 7:00 and he hits a 619 on Rey, but then runs into Penta and gives him a destroyer. Rey gets his 619 back, but can’t toss Escobar, a then everyone gangs up on Gable and we end up with everyone down. Otis is #6 at 9:14, but Gable breaks up the caterpillar and tries to anklelock him. So they slug it out and Otis tries a torture rack, but gets nowhere with that tactic. Bron Breakker is #7 at 11:20 and immediately tosses Melo at 12:07 and smashes everyone that moves. Santos is out at 12:59. Akira Tozawa is #8 at 13:33 in a waste of a spot, but Melo immediately lays him out on the way to the back and Tozawa is carried to the back. So we follow him back there as Hunter tells internet personality IShowSpeed to go out there at 15:00. And he actually puts Otis out at 15:20 before Bron destroys him and throws him out at 16:00. I’m sure the youths were very invested in that cameo, but if he’s associated with the Pauls I’m just gonna assume he’s a piece of crap. Sheamus is #9 at 17:00 and Penta immediately clotheslines him to the apron, but Sheamus pulls himself back in and runs into Breakker. Brogue Kick wins that battle, but Jimothy Uso is #10 at 19:00. Nothing there and Andrade is #11 at 20:50. Haven’t heard much about him since he returned at last year’s show. He runs wild for a minute and everyone piles up and there’s not much going on again. Jacob Fatu is #12 at 23:20 and hopefully he gets a run here. Penta decides to challenge him and gets slugged down, and then Fatu stacks up Rey and Penta and slams them both before throwing out Gable and Rey at 24:40. Andrade out at 24:54. This leads to a showdown with Bron, but Jimmy breaks that up and Kaiser is #13 at 25:20. So he wisely decides to wait on the floor while everyone else settles things in the ring, and then goes after Penta and gets thrown out at 26:40. Bron teases elimination but hangs on, and The Miz is #14 at 27:30. He almost gets Bron out, but Breakker hangs on. Miz gets a rana on Penta instead, but goes after Fatu and that goes badly for him. Joe Hendry is #15 at 29:45, so I guess someone said his name. He hits his fallaway slam on Miz, but the camera completely misses his meme, and then Fatu lays him out. Roman Reigns is #16 at 31:40 and he also gets pyro like Charlotte did, and Miz is out at 33:23 after a spear. Sheamus is out at 33:33. Joe Hendry takes his shot and Roman tosses him out at 33:50. Bron Breakker hits Roman with his own spear, however, to break up the run, but Roman tosses him out at 34:24 anyway. Fatu breaks up the Bloodline reunion and tosses Jimmy Uso at 35:00, leading to a showdown with Roman. Reigns with the spear and Drew McIntyre is #17 at 36:30, which is 5:00 since Reigns made his entrance. Fatu lays out Roman and teams up with Drew for a beatdown. Finn Balor is #18 at 38:40 with one of those new themes I don’t recognize, and apparently neither did anyone in the stadium from the sounds of it. He can’t get Penta out, and Roman stomps everyone down. Shinsuke Nakamura is #19 at 40:24, as they bring up his Rumble win that everyone has forgotten about. Everyone slugs it out and Penta hits a destroyer on Fatu, but he gets thrown out by Balor at 42:08. Jey Uso is #20 at 42:45, and he goes after Balor and hits Fatu with a poison rana, and then dumps Nakamura at 44:17 as we’ve hit a pretty serious lull here. AJ Styles is #21 at 44:50 to wake up the crowd again and he slugs it out with Fatu but gets backdropped. Braun Strowman is #22 at 46:55, which seems pretty quick after getting beaten into mush by Fatu on SNME. And he actually tosses Fatu right away at 48:00 to get his revenge, prompting a tantrum by Jacob at ringside. Everyone goes after Braun, and John Cena is #23 at 48:55, hopefully here to make peace. He puts Strowman out at 49:55, and Balo at 50:05 with the AA off the apron. And then CM Punk is #24 at 50:45 and he literally just stands there waiting for the entire time until Seth Rollins is #25 at 52:55. Everyone slugs it out and Dominick Mysterio is #26 at 55:02. He comes in with a frog splash on Cena and then goes after Reigns and gets beaten down. Sami Zayn is #27 at 56:50 and hits everyone with Heluva kicks, but Rollins lays him out to cut that off. Damian Priest is #28 at 58:47 and he comes in with a ropewalk on Drew and tosses Dom at 59:56. LA Knight is #29 at 60:31 in his Rumble debut and he gets some of his shit in and slugs it out with Jey before hitting a slam. Sami tries to help Roman out and Drew sends him to the apron and out at 62:29. And Logan Paul graces us with #30 at 63:13. This leads to Drew getting thrown out at 64:17. Knight tries to put Logan out, but Logan jumps to the table, so Knight clotheslines Priest out at 65:35. AJ dumps Knight at 66:00 while Logan navigates the railing and jumps back to the stairs, then puts out AJ at 66:33. The final six all pair off and slug it out, and Punk hits Paul with the GTS, setting off a series of finisher spam and everyone is out except for Reigns and Rollins. So they slug it out after some trash talk, and Rollins throws superkicks on the ropes, but Punk dumps them both out at 70:38, and then Punk gets thrown out by Logan Paul at 70:49.

Final Three: John Cena, Logan Paul & Jey Uso

Well now the winner is a tad obvious. Punk and Rollins brawl at ringside to work out their differences, and Seth curbstomps Roman onto the stairs for good measure. Logan and Jey slug it out, but John piles them in the corner and tries the double AA, before Jey escapes that, allowing John to clothesline Paul to the floor at 75:12. Cena makes the comeback on Jey with the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM, but Jey escapes the AA and superkicks him into the corner. Jey with the spear, but Cena tosses him and Jey skins the cat, putting them both on the apron. They slug it out and Cena teases the fall after a superkick, and then tries the AA…but Jey throws him down and wins at 80:27 for a pretty shocking upset. Like that had to be the biggest Rumble upset win in history, outside of like Big John Studd. I will say that they’ve been playing their cards for WM close to the vest for months now and this doesn’t clarify anything in the least. Another one where they could have stood to shorten the intervals significantly, because the match was CINEMA in the sense that it was going as long as a damn Marvel movie. But the star power at the end was great and it wasn’t ever really boring and had lots of nice little stories throughout. ****1/4

Overall I found the show horrendously long, especially given how disappointing the midcard was, but the men’s Rumble was pretty good despite the ridiculous 80 minute length. This show seems to already be a tad polarizing to say the least, so I’m gonna take a bold stance and go right down the middle with THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE for this one. Given a shorter runtime it might have felt like a better show, I think. Also, and I know this is specific to Canada and the UK, but the Netflix live feed was kind of shitty and nowhere near as smooth as the WWE Network always was. In fact I’m probably gonna stick with the Network from now on for these.