The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 09.22.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 09.22.96

And with this one, the show moves exclusively to the USA Network, ending the era of syndicated shows. And farewell to the country rock opening!

Taped from Columbus, OH on 08.20.96

Hosted by Todd Pettengill, who is in the empty arena before Mind Games, and Jim Ross & Mr. Perfect doing the arena show footage portion, the last of the month-old taping. I guess it makes sense because there’s no point in doing a fresh set of stuff before the PPV, but this sure isn’t the way to make the new USA version of the show seem exciting.

The Man They Call Vader v. Savio Vega

I’m guessing that the show for this episode was taped earlier in the evening so the crowd would be a bit livelier than the burned out and half-empty arena we got last time. Savio tries to put Vader down with shoulderblocks and gets nowhere, and Vader clobbers him in the corner and chokes him out. Man they’ve got the house lights down so low here that it’s like a house show. That place must be EMPTY. Savio slugs away in the corner and tries a dropkick, but Vader swats him down, so Savio gets the leg lariat in the corner for two. Vader just clobbers him down as we take a break, and return with Vader continuing the beating, but Savio throws more kicks, only for Vader to beat him down again and finish with the powerbomb at 4:38.

Meanwhile, Todd recaps the thrilling Undertaker-Goldust feud as have a special stip that the first one to break ** wins. Spoiler: It was a draw.

The Goon v. The Stalker

I love how they keep throwing to Todd at the arena as he declares the show is “totally live” and then we go back to the arena for month-old taped matches. Anyway, this is like something out of an RD Reynolds nightmare. They slug it out to start and the Goon misses a high knee while JR spreads unfounded rumors about “Razor and Diesel” possibly showing up on RAW tomorrow night. So then we go back to an inset interview with Gorilla, who calls Jim a liar as we just get every bad idea from Vince’s poop-addled brain piled up in the same segment. Anyway, Stalker gets a suplex, but Goon puts the boots to him while JR & Perfect play “what’s in the news” to show how LIVE the show is. Stalker with a lariat as they bounce between calling him the Stalker and Barry Windham and basically acknowledge that it’s just Barry Windham and not a new character. Windham with a piledriver, but Goon fires back with a pump kick and chokes Barry on the ropes, before missing a charge. And then Stalker finishes with the superplex at 4:23. Gosh what a debut. This was fucking awful and Windham was DOA right out of the gate.

Meanwhile, Jerry Lawler does the old “Scalding hot coffee” gag on Mark Henry in the dressing room to rib him.

Crush v. David Haskins

Haskins goes after the knee, but Crush puts him down with a clothesline and drops a leg on him. Crush puts the boots to Haskins and chokes him out, and then finishes with the Heart Punch at 2:10.

Meanwhile, back in Philly, Mankind interrupts Shawn Michaels’ interview with Todd and rolls a casket into the dressing room. As people do.

British Bulldog & Owen Hart v. Bob Holly & Alex Porteau

Yes it’s the PUG AND THE PLUG. I can’t believe no one thought to make this dream team before. They should make merch. Maybe put them on a mug. The Pug takes Bulldog down with armdrags and it’s over to Plug, but Bulldog slugs the Plug and it’s over to Owen for a leg lariat. Bulldog with a suplex, but Holly escapes for a collision and a double down. Plug is working kinda snug. Back to the Pug, but he walks into a knee from the Bulldog, really pulling the rug on him. Owen finishes with the Sharpshooter, and I’m like shrug. This was not a match I dug. Plus I think they were on drugs. Oh and the Smoking Gunns attack afterwards to set up the tag title match and as usual Billy Gunn looks smug.

Marc Mero v. Lou Marconi

They fight for the lockup and Mero works a headlock and then takes Marconi down with armdrags and finishes with the shooting star press at 1:45.

Meanwhile, The Sultan and his harem of goofball managers do a promo about nothing.

Meanwhile, Brian Pillman stops by the arena and threatens to swear on live TV and then makes threats to Bret Hart if he decides to show up.

And finally, Todd runs down the shitty ass undercard for Mind Games, which was a literal one-match show bailed out from the bottom of the barrel by Shawn and Mick having an all-time classic. And Shawn stops by for one more promo, where he points out that he’s actually kind of stupid and thus has no game plan for Mankind to study. Well that’s one way to go I guess.

And that’s the USA debut of Superstars! I imagine the second show is a better judge of where it’s gonna be because they’ll have a fresh set of tapings to draw from. Because this one was…not it.