Minus-Star Match Reviews: John Cena vs. Michael Cole

WWE under Vince McMahon was a weird place that featured wild extremes, sometimes on the same show. On the same night as Bret Hart and Steve Austin had arguably the best match ever we got Sid defecating his tights as The Undertaker Tombstoned him. The same show that had a beloved MOTYC in CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan had John Cena taking on a man who hadn’t wrestled a match in over a decade and when he was in his prime he was mostly carried by the better wrestlers around him. And on RAW itself, a show that, over the decades, included classics like Shawn Michaels vs. Shelton Benjamin and Austin & HHH vs. Benoit & Jericho we got…this.

WWE was pretty bad in 2012 with good matches and stories being few and far between. Long-term planning wasn’t a thing outside of a handful of angles or feuds and only one or two people were given consistent creative focus. Interestingly, Cena was one of those select few, yet for some reason WWE’s creative geniuses thought it was a good idea to bring down his stock as well. Because nothing says “smart promotion” like making your top Superman clone uber-babyface bully someone half his size just because he said a few mean words.

The Story

Cole opened this particular episode of RAW badmouthing John Cena and sucking up to Jon Laurinaitis, makntaining his full obnoxious heel shtick. At some point though during a promo Laurinaitis comes out and tells Cena that, although he (Laurinaitis) is retired from in-ring wrestling, Cena can choose anyone else for his opponent for this show and Cena chooses Cole.

Cole then spends most of the rest of show balancing doing commentary with trying to plead/weasel his way out of this match. Yet Laurinaitis holds firm while also having another plan up his sleeve. Yes, Cena gets Cole, but Cena has to face someone else before that and it’s…(Lord) Tensai., whom Cena beats without all that much resistance and despite Cole getting involved in the match.

The Match

This took place on June 4, 2012.

Cole trash-talks Cena but then Cena rips open Cole’s shirt and chops his chest. Cena rips off Cole’s pants and the rest of his shirt to a surprisingly loud pop from the crowd as Lawler’s having a blast ringside. Cena lands a single belly stomp and Cole sells it like death. Cena does the Big Show corner chop and then smacks the back of his neck. He puts Cole in a chinlock and demands he apologize to Lawler for the atrocity that was the Cole/Lawler WrestleMania XXVII match. Cole begs for forgiveness to Cena demands he do the same to Jim Ross. Cole, still trapped in said chinlock, apologizes profusely, but Cena continues the punishment by making Cole plug JR’s BBQ sauce. This leads to Cena wishing he had some when, what do you know, Lawler has three bottles at ringside. Cena dumps all three bottles’ worth of sauce on Cole, douses him with fire extinguisher chemicals, and goes for an AA. Cena’s about to hit his big finish on a defenseless announcer when here comes Tensai, who lands a big chokebomb on Cena. Tensai leaves and Cole goes for the cover. One, two, Cena kicks out. Cole teases hitting Cena with the fire extinguisher but Cena avoids it and lands an AA to get the three-count to end one of the worst matches in RAW history.

Winner after 5:35: John Cena

Review

This was atrocious. It was five minutes of plodding, one-sided garbage that shouldn’t’ve ever been put together. It was like WWE under Vince McMahon’s direction was trying to re-hash the Cena versus Jon Laurinaitis and the Cole versus Lawler storylines while wrapping everything in a bootleg Attitude Era presentation. This was meant to be the PG era version of Austin’s beer bash or Kurt Angle’s milk truck segment yet had a fraction of those moments’ excitement and that’s being generous. Cena, this purported ultimate paragon of virtue and righteousness, spent five minutes bullying and tormenting a defenseless commentator. Yes, Cole had a big mouth and was the most obnoxious thing in WWE at the time that didn’t draw money.

But this didn’t need to happen in this way. This didn’t need to go five minutes because it was dragged out to feel much longer. It didn’t need to have a bullshit interference spot that gave Cole a near-fall (also, where did Tensai go after that? Why didn’t he stick around to help more if that was his role?) and it didn’t need to have this inconsistent narrative with Cena trying to be a goodie-goodie and a guy seeking revenge at the same time.

Final Rating; -*****

This barely qualifies as a match but the record books will record it as one. In the span of a month Cena had a disappointing match with Jon Laurinaitis that had the same plot and format as this one but that one was a bit better for two reasons: 1) at least Laurinaitis was a wrestler at one point and he had some experience in timing and storytelling, even if the material he was given was garbage; and 2) the main interference spot in that match actually meany something whereas here it did not. Tensai was a complete non-factor and Cole did not land a single offensive move.

What we were left with was bad toilet humor that would barely entertain a five-year old. But since the man making all the major decisions once had that very sense of humor, it shouldn’t surprise anyone that when he ran amok he gave people what he liked, even though nobody else really wanted to see it.

I watched this match so that you don’t have to. The period from 2010-2013 in WWE was pretty dismal so if you’re feeling nostalgic I’d stay away from this period in the company’s history.

Thanks for reading.