The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 03.20.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 03.20.00

It’s the night after Uncensored, a show that probably should have killed the company off for good if we’re being honest, and thankfully time is running out on the Kevin Sullivan booking regime. Will they have Sid do one more job as World champion before the end? TUNE INTO NITRO TO FIND OUT!

Live from Gainesville, FL, with a similar story as the PPV: 4500 in the building, with half of those being freebies.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & Mark Madden

Earlier today, Sid Vicious shows up to celebrate with fans after Hulk Hogan saved his title from Jeff Jarrett the night before!

Sid Vicious joins Mean Gene to continue celebrating his win, doing a lot of “finger quotes” to make fun of Jeff Jarrett, and then tells a story about bringing a pig into his living room, really appealing to the southern demographic there. Gene wants to know who’s next, but of course Jeff Jarrett interrupts. “To think we’ve heard the last from Jeff Jarrett would of course be a critical mistake” notes Tony. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. So Jeff of course wants ANOTHER title shot, as if we haven’t been seeing that same match for the past three months over and over, and challenges Sid to a tag team match tonight, and if he can’t pin Sid then he’ll never get another title shot again. This brings out Scott Steiner, with a piece of tape over his mouth saying “Censored”, and he’s going to be the partner. Sid claims not to need a partner, but thinks there’s a lot of people who would be his partner, and brings out Hulk Hogan because we haven’t seen enough of HIM either, I guess. Sid acts like a complete geek here, jumping up and down and begging for Hulk’s help. I don’t remember if it happens, but Sid turning on Hulk at the end of the match because he’s sick of Hulk hogging his spotlight would be pretty funny and would somewhat justify this. Otherwise this was a brutal opening that just tripled down on everything that’s been killing the promotion.

Meanwhile, Flair and Luger are disgusted with the very idea of wasting Lex’s time against Vampiro. Also Flair is going against Sting for another fresh matchup we’ve never seen before.

Spring Break Out 2000 is next week apparently, complete with a free Better Than Ezra concert. This leads me to mention one of the all time great Norm jokes, as he noted that Better Than Ezra’s album debuted at #1 on the Billboard charts for the week. What was at #2? Ezra.

Meanwhile, Chavo Guerrero returns to chat with Mean Gene, complaining that he’s broke and got left out of the Cruiserweight tournament. So he steals Gene’s wallet and leaves.

Hard Knox Chris Candido v. Lash Leroux

Candido does a dumb promo before the match, claiming to have a hard life and last competed in a handicap match with 10 other guys because life is so unfair. This is DOA stuff. Lash attacks with a dropkick, but Candido puts him down with a delayed suplex for two, so delayed they should call it the Canucks’ Stanley Cup win, but Candido misses a blind charge and Lash makes a comeback. Lash with a faceplant and he does the goofy punches, but goes up and gets crotched. Chris brings him down with a superplex and then goes up with a diving headbutt for the pin at 3:00. Just two fellas havin’ a match, but I guess that’s better than what we’ve been getting. Candido without Tammy was just a guy, sad to say. *1/2

Meanwhile, Lane and Rave are shocked that Miss Hancock would ditch them, and then she stops by and promises the debut of LOS FABULOSOS on Thunder.

Fit Finlay v. La Parka

So La Parka was doing a gimmick where he was compelled to do promos on behalf of some other mysterious person over the PA, who insults his opponents and gets him beat up. Despite La Parka’s attempts to apologize for the disembodied voiceover, Fit quickly destroys him, but misses a blind charge, and Parka comes back with a tope suicida. But then he tries another dive and lands on his own chair, and Fit finishes him with the forward roll slam at 2:22. I know most of this WCW run was just boring, but I guess La Parka getting taken over by a malevolent urban voiceover that compels him to cut promos against his will was at the very least something different. I doubt it ever paid off, though.

Meanwhile, Vampiro continues to brood in the shadows and finally takes off the cast, since the Luger storyline is done with anyway.

David Flair joins Mean Gene as Tony wonders if we’re ever going to see Crowbar again after his bump on Uncensored. And yes Tony called it a bump. But don’t worry, Crowbar was around all the way until the end of the promotion. So David calls out The Wall, who quickly comes out and clobbers David before putting him through another table.

Meanwhile, Brian Knobs tells all the kids at home to stay in school and leave the rough stuff to the pros. No one better to talk to the kids than Brian Knobs! Kids love that guy!

WCW World tag team title: The Harris Brothers v. Kidman & Booker

Booker quickly does a Spinarooni as Madden goes nuts, and Kidman comes in and gets caught in the heel corner before running away and tagging Booker again. Book cleans house with two terrible Bookends, as the Harrisses won’t even go up for him, and then they use the belts for the DQ at 2:25 to save the titles. Pointless. Also I was checking title histories and apparently the Mamalukes and Harrisseses traded the tag team titles during the Germany tour in February and no one ever bothered to mention it on TV.

Meanwhile, the Mamalukes have had enough of Disco Inferno and fire him, showing that they’re only human.

Lex Luger v. Vampiro

Vamp runs wild to start, but goes up for a rana and Lex goes low to take over. Lex puts the boots to him and follows with a press slam. They head to the floor and Lex runs him into the stairs and drops him on the railing with another press slam. Back in the ring, Lex continues with a kneelift and a powerslam. Vamp escapes the torture rack and makes a comeback with a bulldog and facejam, and a flying clothesline gets two. So this brings out Ric Flair, but Vamp superkicks him, and Lex grabs the bat and waffles Vamp before putting him in the torture rack at 5:12. * Very on brand for 2000 Lex Luger that his big idea of putting someone over is to take the entire match while working at one quarter speed and then win in the end. If you keep beating Vampiro over and over, it’s no wonder people stop caring.

Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett once again promises that he’s getting the title shot after tonight’s main event. Scott Steiner accuses Gene of being behind the effort to censor him, but reminds us of the popular saying “It’s hard to keep a good man down, but it’s harder to keep a hard man down”. Oh yeah, everyone knows that saying!

Meanwhile, Dustin Rhodes notes that he drove a stake through the heart of Terry Funk last night, and now he’s going after Curt Hennig along with all the old guys in WCW. That’s another one that never paid off because Dustin left with the reset.

Meanwhile, Sid Vicious does a fake press conference after the PPV, and Hulk Hogan quickly interrupts and all the “reporters” ask him dumb questions instead. Sadly no one asks about Drew Gulak and gets thrown out. Also now it’s 100% clear they’re going exactly where I thought they might with this. And that’s fine! It’s an actual storyline with motivation that makes sense for once.

Norman Smiley v. Hugh Morrus

Norman works the arm to start, but Morrus puts him down with a clothesline. Norman does his dance in response, and DeMott would certainly know about inappropriate behavior, and he comes back and drops elbows on Norman for two. Powerslam gets two and he pulls Norman up, but Norman rolls him up for two. Hugh with another clothesline to put him down again and he goes up to finish with the moonsault at 2:44. So this was completely mistimed as they start playing the Demon’s music before Hugh even hits the moonsault, and then Demon comes out and Morrus beats them both up anyway. What a mess. DUD

Meanwhile, Curt Hennig is gonna get respect from Dustin Rhodes tonight.

Dustin Rhodes v. Curt Hennig

Dustin slugs away in the corner, but Curt fires back with chops, still wearing the stupid cast after everyone else in the promotion dropped the gimmick. Dustin slugs him over the top rope and goes after the “broken” arm, so the ref calls for the DQ at 1:47 for some reason. So Hulk Hogan quickly runs in and makes the save for Hennig while Madden goes on a funny bitter rant about Hogan hogging the spotlight. “Why not just end every match with Hogan running in and pinning someone or saving someone?” It’s funny because it’s TRUE.

Meanwhile, even Sting is sick of wrestling Flair and promises to split Team Package right down the middle. That sounds painful.

Tank Abbott v. The Barbarian

Meng is shown to be watching in the locker room, as they go back to teasing THAT feud after dropping it cold a few weeks ago. They do some grappling and trade takedowns and it looks like completely fake UFC crap. Barbarian slugs away in the corner, but Tank just punches him out and the ref calls for the stoppage at 1:45. Really really bad as Tank is just getting worse by the week. -**

Sting v. Ric Flair

It’s the usual script to start and they fight to the floor, before heading back into the ring for more of the usual Sting comeback. Sting clotheslines himself on the top rope. It’s such a jarring contrast after watching elder Sting going out and having great matches in AEW at 60 with a broken down body, and then seeing him 24 years earlier just going through the motions while he was still in his prime years. Flair goes up and gets slammed off by Sting repeatedly, but Lex Luger runs in and Sting takes him out before putting Ric in the Scorpion at 4:57. Either Ric submitted or it was a DQ when Lex interfered again, I dunno. Whatever. Sting might not have cared but Ric decided to bump all over the ring for him because he still had some pride for whatever bizarre reason and this ended up being watchable. **

Scott Steiner & Jeff Jarrett v. Hulk Hogan & Sid Vicious

Sid continues to worship Hogan like a doofus babyface, high-fiving him and stepping aside to let Hulk start the match. Hulk slugs away on Jarrett in the corner and Sid comes in for the double clothesline. Sid with a spinebuster on Jarrett while Madden talks about how Scott Steiner was instrumental in Hulk being World champion as a part of the nWo, even though Scott didn’t even join the nWo until Hulk had already been champion for more than a year. That point would have worked a lot better if Kevin Nash had been in the spot here. Steiner comes in and throws Sid with a suplex and then goes to talk some shit to Hogan, and the nWo double-teams Sid in the corner and Scott drops an elbow for two. Sid gets a boot out of the corner and Hulk gets the hot tag and cleans house. But then Sid wakes up and hears everyone chanting for Hogan, which prompts him to snap because he’s had enough, and he chokeslams Hulk and pins him at 5:23 to…win? Lose? I’d ask what it means for Jarrett’s “title shot v. never get another shot” stipulation from earlier in the show, but of course it doesn’t matter because nothing on this show ever paid off anyway.

The day after this show aired, Kevin Sullivan was officially fired as WCW booker and replaced by the team of Eric Bischoff and Vince Russo, who had a plan to blow everything up and start a whole new era on April 10. So next week, it’s Spring Breakout 2000, aka the lamest and duckiest of all lame duck episodes. This one was pretty rough to get through as well, not really because it was bad (although it was) but more because it was clearly written by a bunch of people who knew their jobs were coming to an end and didn’t particularly care about anything but the main angle. Sadly, Sid going heel on Hogan to set up Spring Stampede was an actual interesting direction for once! I would have been interested to see where that was going, not gonna lie.

…

Oh man, maybe 2000 WCW really has broken me.

So next week we finish the death march of the Sullivan regime with whatever they had left to throw at the wall and fill two hours, and then it’s the GREAT RESET. Hope you’re as excited as I am.