Atsushi Onita, Tarzan Goto & El Hijo del Santo vs. Negro Casas, Horace Boulder & Tim Patterson (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have even weirder disparate stuff, as I found an FMW match featuring lucha guys for a show in LOS ANGELES- it’s Atsushi Onita, Tarzan Goto & El Hijo del Santo vs. Horace Boulder, Tim Patterson & Negro Casas! In a match Dave Meltzer’s contact said was a ***** crazy brawl, which looks a bit funny now.

Up next is another odd Kaientai/Viscera match on the D-shows, as Kaientai team up with Stevie Richards against Viscera… and the Headbangers!?! They were still around? Truly a smorgasbord perfect for Dream Matches. Then it’s a sequel to last week’s Iceberg/Phil Shatter match, as Phil is now NWA Wildside Champion and Iceberg fights him in an ECW-style match in one of many indies attempting to capture that “ECW Vibe”! Next, it’s a trio of true jobbery filth, as I found THREE Van Hammer vs. Mike Tolbert matches from the WCW D-shows! Yes, a company with 9 billion people in it and they were STILL repeating matches! With THOSE TWO GUYS in them!

ATSUSHI ONITA, TARZAN GOTO & EL HIJO DEL SANTO vs. NEGRO CASAS, HORACE BOULDER & TIM PATTERSON:
(FMW in Los Angeles, May 16th 1992)
* Oh YES! Not only do most of these guys almost never appear in this column, but it’s a weirdo grab-bag of wrestlers from all over the place! So Onita is the Ace & Booker of FMW, Goto is another big star from there, and Santo is of course a huge legend in Mexico, and massively over with the Latino crowd in LA. Casas is his big rival, Horace is the infamous “Hulk Hogan’s Shitty Nephew” of WCW fame, and Patterson… I’ve never heard of. Looks like a career jobber who randomly got pushed in UWF (as Spitball Patterson or The Bounty Hunter), then used by FMW for a couple of years. Also this is an FMW show in LOS ANGELES, explaining the luchadores (LA has a big enough Mexican population to make this salvageable). It’s a small gymnasium show, anyways, but the crowd is pretty into it already. Onita’s in HILARIOUSLY bad gear, with blue trunks (with “ONITA” on the ass) and a white tanktop, Santo’s a masked guy in grey & Goto’s a tubster in a bright yellow Andre singlet. Casas is in black, as is Horace (who is HUGE in this company) and Patterson’s a perm-mulletted guy in long black tights. One of Dave Meltzer’s contacts wrote in that this was a ***** match.

FIRST FALL: In what was pretty unique for 1992 (unless you were a joshi snob), everyone brawls into the stands straight away, Horace eating a chairshot and piledriver out there. Onita fires chairshots at everyone while Casas & Santo just do basic lazy wrestling in the ring, realizing they can’t match that chaos as the fans are whistling and hollering over the novelty of this. Horace goes over the guardrail into a lower level at one point (in a super-safe bump that starts out looking like it’s gonna be crazy but ends with him just lowering himself down). Better still, as soon as all that settles down, Casas & Santo realize it and are like “TIME TO TRY!” and immediately go into Santo armdragging & headscissoring him into a tope and the crowd goes BANANA. Of course this is Wrestling 101 (don’t try anything big when the focus is supposed to be elsewhere) but it’s funny how obvious it is here. Horace, who’s eaten at least 3 chairshots by this point, is now 100% fine and just backbreakers Goto for two. But he eats a fatass lariat & Onita’s DDT, then Santo & Casas immediately steal the show with Casas getting dropkicked off the top to the floor and Santo following with a plancha. Then Goto just casually beats up Patterson and pins him with a Flapjack at (5:26 of 8:07 shown).

SECOND FALL: Onita & Horace immediately go into the crowd AGAIN, this time for a “dueling chairs” spot and then a “walk to the edge of the arena and slam Horace into the wall” one- again, both old hat that gets super over here. Casas once again bounces around like a doofus and ends up surfboarded, but the heels triple-team him until a bloody Patterson (where has HE been?) dropkicks Casas by mistake and Santo hits him with a flying senton and rolls right into a tope on Casas on the floor! Oh, that was SLICK. But he comes back in and Casas immediately tilt-a-whirls him into the Mexican MDK, La Majistral, for three at (3:54 of 5:23 shown). Tied up!

THIRD FALL: Horace does his best smack-talk and then hits the single worst swinging neckbreaker I’ve ever seen in my life, but gets DDT’d and Goto works him over with dreadful offense while the fans chant for Santo. Funny bit as Goto tags Onita but Santo just comes in, then WHIPS Casas in these headscissor bumps. Damn Casas is good. Horace takes double-teams from the Japanese, and an Onita butterfly bomb (with Santo stepping in to get some effect from the win, too) blows the roof off at (2:01 of 3:51 shown).

Okay, this was funny. First off, what Dave’s contact suggested was a “Crazy Brawl” was a totally basic spot in joshi and FMW by this point, so while it probably blew his mind, it’s something I’ll see twice per show on every Joshi Spotlight I do, and I’d merely call this a “pretty good” version of one. Horace was nothing but a tackling dummy here, barely selling and just being there to eat Onita’s offense and make him look good. He didn’t look actively BAD (save for that awful neckbreaker) but he didn’t contribute anything to the match aside from taking chairshots and DDTs. Patterson was non-existent and Goto’s short bit made him look pretty unathletic- his execution is loose and awful here. The match is mostly fine, but two separate matches stitched together- Onita’s showboating and throwing chairs at Horace, and the Casas/Santo feud (which is the part the fans actually want to watch). And DAMN Casas is slick- moving perfectly into position to take everything and then whiplashing his body around to take it. Phenomenal selling and bumping, especially for a guy who’s pretty lanky- most dudes like that often look a bit gawky. The falls (especially clipped like this) were exceptionally short, and as always in this style, things that look pretty weak in US & Japanese wrestling score pins, but that’s the style for you.

Rating: *** (perfectly fine brawling mixed with some excellent Santo/Casas stuff, but the simple fall endings and disjointed nature kinda held it back)

STEVIE RICHARDS & KAIENTAI (Taka Michinoku & Sho Funaki) vs. VISCERA & THE HEADBANGERS (Mosh & Thrasher):
(WWF Jakked, April 1st 2000)
* This is SUPER WEIRD. I mean, a random-ass six-man, and it features the Post-Chas run of the Headbangers. Why is Viscera with the babyface team? Wait, I guess the Headbangers were then heels? But the other guys are ALSO heels. Richards is in a blue singlet, very out of date for this time period, too.

Mosh does some “lol you’re Japanese!” taunts to Kaientai and clotheslines Richards when he does a foolish karate routine, but Thrasher gets bounced around by Taka (pretty slow taking that rana, though) and Kaientai do the “clutch/dropkick” double-team. But Trasher quickly tags out to Viscera, who misses an avalanche but hits a SIT-OUT POWERBOMB of all things on Funaki! But because it’s 2000, Funaki recovers instantly on Mosh and has to be inverted FU’d and dodges Trasher’s guillotine legdrop. Stevie Richards of all people runs wild but immediately charges into Viscera’s Samoan drop- Vis clotheslines down interference from Kaientai but misses his butt-drop, only to shrug off a superkick and hit a belly-to-belly suplex into the big splash, handily winning the match himself at (4:04). Lol, watch out of the Viscera Jakked Super-Push!

The match was pretty pedestrian- each guy getting his 1-2 moves until VISCERA of all people brings it, firing out things like a Ligerbomb, belly-to-belly and whatever, dominating the heel team (who were mostly comedy goobers by this point). The Headbangers were split up in the summer and Thrasher never returned.

Rating: *1/2 (standard-issue inoffensive nothing match)

NWA ANARCHY HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE:
“THE UNIVERSAL SOLDIER” PHIL SHATTER (w/ Jeff G. Bailey) vs. ICEBERG (w/ Reverend Dan Wilson):
(NWA Anarchy Hardcore Hell, March 22nd 2008)
* Oh, THIS is the one I was initially gonna review, haha. This one’s way longer, though. Shatter’s now in purple trunks and is the reigning NWA Anarchy Champion, having gained a MUCH better relationship with his local pharmacist, if you know what I mean. Apparently Iceberg is now 450 lbs. (well that’s a bit closer to reality), and “From Where Men Fear Most by way of the Compound” and has about a dozen more nicknames (was Jim Cornette booking this?). Apparently Iceberg is the babyface now, as Shatter is 7-months dominant Anarchy Champion.

Both guys immediately brawl to the floor, Shatter charging into the ring steps by accident- Iceberg takes his time setting up a table and charges into the announce booth as we see the positively adorable “NWA Anarchy” entrance set-up with lil’ Anarchy “A”s and fire on it. Iceberg eats many, many punches to the forehead, busting him open and he ends up in a backdrop suplex, sliding down the entrance ramp in a fun bit. Iceberg is good enough to tease going into his own table, thus making it look better when he actually DOES, Shatter blasting him off the apron after vaulting from a chair. A chainlink-assisted legdrop and more beatings works over the cut, and Iceberg avoids going into the chair (set up in the corner) only to take a belly-to-belly suplex, putting over Shatter’s power. Shatter tosses in a ladder but loses a slugfest and eats a powerslam for two, and when he catches Iceberg up top, he gets whipped off into the ladder, only to DESTROY it by spinebusting Iceberg onto it! Iceberg actually saves himself by using the ropes, and Shatter wastes a few minutes just going for the eyes and using chainlink as a weapon.

Bailey brings in a table-piece that had once made Iceberg submit, but Shatter gets bombed off the second rope before he can use it, and Iceberg slowly beats him down and cannonballs him in the corner for two. Iceberg goes for the shard of table and gets speared, but gets a belly-to-belly as they both sell exhaustion (or are just tired- either works!). Ground Zero (splash) from the second rope gets two, but Shatter gets a surprise DDT for a double-down, getting two. Shatter preps another spear… but charges into the very chair he’d set up ten minutes ago! I forgot all about that! Now ICEBERG digs away with that table-shard and Shatter bleeds and screams… and gives up at (15:33)! Iceberg wins the NWA Anarchy Title! Shatter is just a MESS of blood on the mat at the end- damn, he shoulda done that bladejob during the match.

haha, this actually wasn’t bad! Iceberg sold the brutality of the beating, knows how to set up table spots so it’s not outta nowhere (teasing being knocked through it before Shatter does another, cooler move to do it), takes ladder bumps and then uses the ropes to save himself rather than just kick out on his own, and more! I mean it was still slow and plodding for most of it, but it’s an indie main event, y’know? Dude probably had a shift at Target the next day or something. Like they’d do a cool move and milk it (which is good- better than BeamSpam) but then just fuck around throwing punches to the forehead periodically to wait out the clock. Shatter had better execution but no psychology, while Iceberg had good psychology but sloppy execution, and neither had much character (I couldn’t even really tell who was heel or babyface). Even though Shatter controlled almost all the offense, he came off as pretty dull, just using the generic popular offense of the day (WWE Main Event Spinebuster, spear, etc.). The main issue is it went on a BIT too long and had too much “just walkin’ around” between all the stuff, but that’s still better than just going from spot to spot with nothing in between, and it makes sense to have both guys be tired if they go this distance with this many moves.

Rating: **1/2 (actually good psychology for just a bloody “hit each other with stuff” match- would have been better if they sped it up and shortened the match time)

Uber-roided WCW Power Plant jobber Mike Tolbert almost never showed up outside of the low-rent shows, even with this physique.

VAN HAMMER vs. MIKE TOLBERT:
(WCW Worldwide, April 3rd 1998)
* Oh man, these guys fought at least THREE TIMES on all the WCW D-shows. Hilarious. Tolbert is one of the most roided WCW Power Plant graduates, while Hammer is until recently a Flock member in a cute-up shirt. Tolbert has a goatee and black trunks.

They trade arm-stuff, Hammer doing a “kip-up” (sorta) out and working over Tolbert, who goes to the eyes and hits a gutwrench suplex for two. Hammer counters a whip and clothesline him down, bieling him off the top and finishing with the Cobra-Clutch Slam at (2:29). Nothing to it.

Rating: 1/2* (they put a modicum of work into the arm stuff, then quickly just hit some half-decent power moves and were out in a hurry)

VAN HAMMER vs. MIKE TOLBERT:
(WCW Saturday Night, Sept. 22nd 1998)
* Hammer is now in a hippie gimmick. Tolbert’s in purple trunks (I don’t remember that look on him) and Hammer’s in acid-washed jeans.

They do boring arm/headlock stuff to start as the fans chant for Goldberg, Tolbert going to the eyes and hitting a gutwrench suplex again. He smashes Hammer’s knee agains the apron, which Hammer hurts further by doing a slingshot axehandle to the floor. Tolbert gets a big kneecrusher as this is shockingly more intelligent that I’d figure Hammer/Power Plant Guy to be, but Tolbert gets kicked into the corner, Hammer wins a slugfest, then finishes with a clothesline and the Flashback (Booker T’s spinebuster) at (4:25). The longest of their matches by far and actually had some thought put into it, but only a bit.

Rating: 3/4* (hey, they tried!)

VAN HAMMER vs. MIKE TOLBERT:
(WCW Saturday Night, Oct. 10th 1998)
* A rematch only two weeks later? A girl at ringside is hilariously into him, and he wisely interacts with her, doing a fake “heart-thumping” with his hand.

Hammer wins some grappling, going on “Don’t be tripping, maaaaaaan! Peace!” rants, but Tolbert works his arm. Hammer counters with a cobra clutch slam, but Tolbert aims shots for his eyes. Tolbert hits the corner on a charge and gets whipped off the top, and Hammer finishes him with a slam and the Flashback at (3:03). Very basic squash, albeit with Tolbert getting some token offense.

Rating: 1/2* (barely worth recapping, haha)