A 16-Man Lucha Tag (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I have a request as the feature contest- a SIXTEEN-MAN “Tornero Cibernetico” match as two 8-man squads fight each other in a non-stop 45-minute contest!

Then it’s over to Japan for another Jumbo Tsuruta Dream Match, as he teams with Genichiro Tenryu against Billy Robinson and… BOBBY HEENAN!? Yes, THE BRAIN continues his 1984 All Japan run by acting like a boob against the Ace of AJPW! Then it’s more of Michael Shane as a WWF jobber as he takes on THE BIG BOSS MAN near the end of his run! Then the legendary Bobby Eaton/Kenny Kaos team EXPLODES on a WCW d-show as we see just how far Eaton’s career had fallen on WCW Worldwide! Finally, it’s a match I’ve wanted to check out for a while, ever since I reviewed that TNA Impact episode where Iceberg shows up- NWA Wildside indie darling Iceberg takes on Phil Shatter in a classically “early 2000s indies” match!

TORNERO CIBERNETICO MATCH:
(16-man Elimination Tag)
ATLANTIS, NEGRO CASAS, ULTIMO DRAGON, EL DANDY, SHOCKER, MASCARA MAGICA, LA FIERA & BRAZO DE ORO vs. EL HIJO DEL SANTO, FELINO, DR. WAGNER JR., SCORPIO JR., BLACK WARRIOR, SILVER KING, EL SATANICO & KEVIN QUINN:
* LOL I love that “and Kevin Quinn” at the end there. All these wild Mexican names and glorious sounding stage-names like Silver King, Black Warrior, Magic Mask and shit, and then you get the whitest name that’s ever Caucasianed at the end of it. It’d be like “And here is GWAR- Johnny Slutman, Oderus Urungus, Mr. Magico, Jaws of Death, Balsac, Hans Sphincter, and Larry Delbert!”.

In any case, my knowledge of lucha is anything but thorough, so I only have the barest of ideas of who is whom here. So one side has Atlantis (blue & silver masked guy), Negro Casas (long-haired old dude and an all-time legend), Ultimo Dragon (in black), El Dandy (blue), Shocker (red mask), Mascara (purple mask), La Fiera (a “someone’s dad” jobber-looking short guy) & Braza de Oro (a HILARIOUSLY rotund older guy with a “gold” armband). The other side has El Hijo del Santo (silver mask; the son of lucha’s Ur-Example of the masked hero), Felino (KITTY! With a hilarious purple tiger-striped outfit and a white furry “mane”), Dr. Wagner Jr. (grey mask), Silver King (Wagner’s brother- a deceptively-stocky guy in pink/black trunks), Scorpio Jr. (a SUPER roided masked guy in green), Black Warrior (who’s wearing what’s very clearly a black Spider-Man mask, like the future Miles Morales), El Satanico (an older mustached guy who hates El Dandy and had a classic match with him) and Kevin Quinn (a classic “white indie guy going nowhere” with a ponytail and black shorts- aka a pin-eater). Humorously, Atlantis, Santo & Wagner all look like the same player chose them and got different color schemes- super-similar gear and physiques. Shocker, Warrior & Mascara look similar to each other, too- all long tights, masks & more slender athlete bodies.

The rules are simple: it’s a Survivor Series-style elimination tag, except only one guy is allowed on the apron for tags at any give time, and the rest are on the floor in a “batting order” like in baseball- and if you tag out, you go to the back of that line.

So the first 20 minutes is unrecappable “lucha stuff”- what lucha I’ve seen (and I’m by no means an expert) typically has stuff like this- slow “feeling out” bits leading to fast, super-choreographed sequences that establish parity or have a dude take some bumps and get mad, then they tag out and two more guys go. Everyone kneels way down on the floor so as to not block the cameras or distract from the in-ring. The mechanics of the match work really well because you can do “feeling out” for like 15 minutes and the fans don’t get bored because different dudes are constantly in there- it’s like how a Royal Rumble improves battle royals. Scorpio is a bit of a stiff, but okay at being a power dude. Quinn is so “US indies” he has ghostly-white skin and just tried a shitty cartwheel handspring elbow in the corner (the commentator actually says “up in Chicago he tans in the moonlight”). Wagner/Atlantis gets so hot that we get our first “everyone fights” brawl out of it, and that sets up the next phase of the match: Everyone Actually Trying.

The pace suddenly jacks up incredibly- Silver King really shows his deceptive agility with stuff like a dead sprint into a somersault deflecting off the ropes for a lucha armdrag. Braza de Oro goes and holy shit, that fat fuck can MOTOR! Just revs up and sprints around! You go, fat boy! Quinn goes with Atlantis (you can tell he’s unfamiliar with lucha because he keeps relying on Internationals), but gets tied up in an abdominal stretch and pushed down for the first pin (21:37). Wagner acts like a rudo for a bit, then Black Warrior tries a boomerang rana on Dandy but eats a big powerbomb into La Majistral at (25:22). 8 on 6 now! Casas eats a backdrop and acts dead, but dodges Silver King’s big flying senton, then everyone fights again, leading to Braza & Satanico doing Fat Man Flash-Pins on each other, won by Satanico’s backslide at (28:40). Shocker with the craziest damn tope ever, diving through the ropes but ending up VERTICAL on impact, going up and then down in the stands and wiping out fans. They were obviously saving him for that (he did nothing of note beforehand). He also eats shit on a senton, though- Wagner dodging and pinning him (30:01). Everyone trades off again as the pace slows.

Mascara Magica & Satanico do some very fake, slow, soft “flash pins”, but Magica drops him into a Rings of Saturn-like hold for the submission at (34:56). Scorpio Jr. clunkily moves about and hits two powerslams on Casas, but eats La Majistral and is pinned at (35:52). Silver King hits a tornado DDT on Fiera, who clumsily hits a bunch of kicks and ranas him at (37:33). Wagner hits a clothesline on El Dandy but gets schoolboyed, and that actually gets the pin at (38:15), as he kicks out but his shoulders are still on the mat! He’s in disbelief as he & his brother leave ringside, King cutting a promo holding up two fingers. 6 to 2 now! But old enemies Casas & Santo scrap like maniacs, shoving the referee down after a vicious brawl and both are DQ’d at (40:21). Felino is alone against FIVE MEN! El Dandy beats him up, but Felino Majistrals him at (42:07) after dodging an elbow. La Fiera quickly ends up in a sunset flip powerbomb off the 2nd rope at (42:38). He then pins Atlantis with the shittest finisher I’ve ever seen, just hugging him in the corner and inside cradling him at (43:05). Mascara hits a plancha, but immediately gets dodged into a Sit-Out Razor’s Edge at (43:57). Felino’s fading, but Ultimo can’t keep him down with flash-pins or a lionsault, then misses a moonsault, and the Mexican MDK, La Majistral, gets him at (45:36)! Man it’s all Al Stewart up in 1997 because IT’S THE YEAR OF THE CAT. Felino runs the field and pins five men in a row!

Crazy kind of match, ideally situated to fill 45 minutes of time as they can justifiably work slow for 20 because there’s always a fresh guy in there to keep the fans interested instead of bored, then ramp it up for several minutes leading to a trio of pins to make the match look like it’s moving forwards, then slow it down again before stacking the deck against the match’s eventual winner, Felino. Wagner eats a humiliating loss, doing a classic rudo thing of getting caught and whining about it, then Casas & Santo (aka the biggest stars) get the “disqualified so they stay strong” ending, then Felino gets to run the field and counter each guy as they try things. The pace can stay super-fast for nearly the entire back half because everyone is tagging in and out so quickly that they’re really only sprinting for a minute every 10 minutes or so (guys like Braza, Silver King & Shocker only had a few minutes of ringtime apiece). But man, FOUR La Majistrals? That’s a bit nutty when everyone clearly had a lot of offense. Funnily enough for a style that’s known for “flips and high-flying” but every guy who tried a top rope move missed it and lost.

Quick observations are that Quinn was awful (but was in maybe his second lucha match ever so was just in over his head), Satanico pretty aged, Scorpio a stiff (but tolerable as a power guy to just knock others down), Warrior was nothing (just a jobber here), King was his usual solid self, and that Wagner was the MVP for his team, getting much of the ringtime, acting like a doofus, then being dealt an embarrassing loss. Santo & Casas were good and saved for mostly scrapping against each other. Shocker has a fantastic tope but was clearly being saved just for that (as he’s pinned right away). Braza was awesomely fun but short-lived, and Mascara, Atlantis & Dandy were more “filler”- fine but didn’t stand out. Ultimo was his usual antiseptic self & La Fiera was noticeably clumsy in addition to having a bad look- I’m guessing he was just a pin-eater. Felino, the winner, didn’t really impress me- he’s not that agile and is kinda slow, and must be blown up by match’s end because his pins get REALLY bad. But you gotta love a match that can keep attention going, run some mini-angles throughout (Wagner’s rudo tactics, Casas/Santo), then pay off Felino being in over his head by a semi-heroic run through the other team.

Rating: ***3/4 (I liked it! Really good match! Just a great pace throughout and a fun story over 45 minutes, despite some weak execution near the end)

JUMBO TSURUTA & GENICHIRO TENRYU vs. BILLY ROBINSON & BOBBY HEENAN:
(All Japan, June 5th 1984)
* Oh damn! I thought Heenan vs. Kabuki & Haku was something, but JUMBO AND TENRYU? Yes, the #1 and #2 of All Japan took on the Brain in 1984, as the comedy jobber alongside British legend Billy Robinson. The AJPW boys are in black trunks, Robinson in blue (I think) and Heenan in his one-strap singlet.

We start JIP with Billy fighting Jumbo into an abdominal stretch, but Jumbo makes the ropes and works a half-nelson into a bodyscissors, and Billy counters by trying to bend Jumbo’s leg around his own (Billy’s) head. That’s a new one. Heenan finally gets the tag and immediately goes FLYING into the corner off a whip, and his “twinkle-toes” sell-job, then collapsing into the corner every time he’s smashed into it must look pretty bizarre to the Japanese fans, who are used to guys trying to act tough. Over to Billy, who picks the ankle and flops onto Tenryu’s head. Bobby hits elbows and dumps him, and Billy adds a hangman’s neckbreaker and nails a big Butterfly Suplex for two, saved by Jumbo (that’s his big move judging by the fan reaction)- Billy & Jumbo slug it out until Tenryu blasts Billy with an enzuirigi, sending him stumbling over to Bobby, who quickly gets booted and Jumbo whips him into the corner again (Bobby going in upside-down and rolling back off) and the Thesz Press of all things finishes at (7:36 shown) while Tenryu uses sumo slaps to bench Billy. Well you knew Bobby was eating that fall.

Okay enough match, with that old-timey style of guys fighting for half-nelsons and abdominal stretches. Billy was aged but could still go, while Heenan mostly relied on cartoon bumping & selling- he didn’t have much credibility here and was obviously just there to give a clean fall up.

Rating: ** (very basic TV match with a lot of slow-going and working into holds, into a pretty sudden finish with Bobby bouncing around)

The Big Boss Man was around for AGES in his second WWF run, though was mostly a JTTS guy after his role in The Corporation ran out of steam. By the end he was just filler. Looking it up, he died younger than I am right now.

THE BOSS MAN vs. MICHAEL SHANE:
(WWF Metal, Feb. 23rd 2002)
* Another Michael Shane squash! Boss Man is here just listed as “The Boss Man” for some reason, and is in his last few months as an active WWF wrestler- he hits a deer with his motorcycle in May and misses around a full year, returning to OVW as a trainer until his 2003 release. Michael’s in some SUPER indie gear- shiny leather shorts with neon green “radioactive waste” dripping down.

Boss Man stalls by reacting to the crowd, then uses power and dumps Shane to start, but takes him lightly and eats some shots before knocking a dropkick out of midair and catching a cross-body for a powerslam, getting off at “1”. Shane keeps firing back with punches, but Boss Man repeatedly overpowers him, hitting a big boot and a palm thrust of all things, but charges into the corner and Shane hits him with a Shawn Michaels forearm, only to charge right into the Boss Man Slam, and Boss man pins the kid with one finger at (3:20).

A classically nonchalant squash, Boss Man taking the kid lightly and treating him like an utter jobber, barely selling the punch-based comebacks. Shane’s offense was hopelessly generic (probably by design- no way was he hitting indie shit on his 6’4″, 40-year old opponent) and Boss Man just kept making quick comebacks, even catching the kid running in with the Boss Man Slam finisher and pinning him with one finger.

Rating: 1/2* (fine, but an elementary squash)

BOBBY EATON vs. KENNY KAOS:
(WCW Worldwide, Feb. 13th 1999)
* Strangely, merely a month after they were a semi-regular team, the legendary Eaton/Kaos duo has split up and is working the D-show. Kaos is in a white singlet, and the taller but shapeless Bobby’s in black.

They actually have an argument before the match, Kaos “shoving” Bobby, who has to get in position and wait for the slower Kaos to “meet” him to eat offense. Kaos comes back with a jawjacker and the world’s worst press-slam, unable to deal with BOBBY EATON’s mass despite all those big puffy muscles and steroids, but moves to the cobra clutch of all things before just letting go and throwing shots. Kaos then starts shouting his head off as he lays in knee shots, but Eaton gets the neckbreaker, only to get necked on the top rope and Kaos friggin’ PINS HIM with his Springboard Clothesline finisher (2:18)! KAOS BEATS EATON! Yeah, I think a pretty good indicator of your career dying down is doing jobs to Kenny Kaos on Worldwide.

Rating: 1/2* (barely even a match- just two minutes of basic strike-trading into Kaos getting a bit of a flourish, then countering Bobby and winning)

ICEBERG (w/ Reverend Dan Wilson) vs. “THE UNIVERSAL SOLDIER” PHIL SHATTER:
(NWA Anarchy, May 19th 2007)
* Oh yes, I finally got to one of these, haha- I reviewed Iceberg showing up in NWA-TNA like a year ago and found out he was one of those NWA Wildside guys (one of many indies trying to recapture ECW’s vibe), but only got to one more match before leaving this on the “to-review” pile. Apparently they wrestled a lot, as there’s a bit of stuff on YouTube. This one starts with a BEAUTIFULLY indie moment, as a dork in “scary” white skull facepaint cuts a promo with “Wrestling’s only serial killer” Iceberg, and of course is doing an evil religious minister/goth gimmick, which was mandatory to American indies for 15-20 years there. Like, EVERYONE had a “Devil’s Rejects” stable like Anarchy has here- there was always some dork in a sinister 5-dollar outfit cackling about his dark lord and shit. Iceberg has recently kicked out his former manager, Jeff G. Bailey.

Shatter looks like he might as well be named Generic McWrestler, and I’ve never heard of him. Oh wait, this is Gunner from TNA and Jaxson Ryker from NXT & WWE! Good old Jaxson! Well I’ll be dipped! … okay I have no idea who Jaxson Ryker is. And he apparently sucks, as he started calling Black Lives Matter “garbage” and more or less got dumped from the biz. He’s in black trunks, up against Iceberg, a 350-lb.-ish guy. Iceberg’s billed at SIX HUNDRED POUNDS here, which is absolutely ludicrous. Like more than Adam Cole being billed at six feet tall or over 200 lbs. I mean the dude is FAT, but come on- even Mabel wasn’t 600, and he was 6’8″ legit.

They do the “Grapple all across the ropes” spot to start, then FAT GUY NO-SOLD SHOULDERBLOCKS (though only one is obese) as the commentary talks about how Iceberg is un-pinned in NWA Anarchy. Shatter fires back with two clotheslines and a flurry of punches, but the Reverend provides a distraction with his satanic staff and Iceberg takes over. Wilson adds choking with his staff and Iceberg skooshes Shatter against the ropes, then hits a neckbreaker and a slow beatdown while chewing gum, then a gourdbuster. But just then, a zombie named Dominus and a fat leather-daddy named Abomination show up and have the world’s fakest fistfight on the hard cam, knocking over the Reverend. Lol then the camera cuts further away so you can see that the scary masked Abomination is wearing Adidas track pants, and Iceberg, sufficiently distracted, is taking forever to do a Vader Bomb, and thus gets powder in the eyes from a returning Jeff Bailey (to the shrieks of the commentators), and Shatter powerbombs him off the second rope in a big bump for the pin at (8:02). Bailey himself cuts a horrible, amazingly indie interview talking about Shatter killing whole villages while defending American freedom as a soldier.

I’ll give Iceberg this- he’s a tolerable Big Fat Guy, able to wrestle without blowing himself up, and everything hits clean. Shatter is right out of Johnny Ace’s hiring book, which is probably why he had a pro job for like 11 years. He was total filler as the whole match was Iceberg slowly beating him down. I’d be meaner about his stuff but I read the BLM comments AFTER reviewing the match, so I’ll just have to dismiss him as cookie-cutter.

Rating: ** (perfectly acceptable nothing match- mostly methodical then saw the heel get his comeuppance)

(funnily enough, I had wanted to review ANOTHER Iceberg/Shatter match, but couldn’t find it anymore, and settled for this one… and then I found it after. So now I gotta do that OTHER one, which is fittingly a rematch with higher stakes- next show!)