Kenta Kobashi vs. Stan Hansen (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! And this time, I have a true rarity- an ACTUALLY AMAZING match- a legendary All Japan classic between Kenta Kobashi and Stan Hansen! Watch two of the best have a masterpiece in selling, persistence and the inevitability of doom! And I follow that with a match that hopes to equal its magnitude- The Undertaker vs. Kurrgan from WWF Sunday Night Heat! Watch as the stable of giants gets the most disrespectful write-off possible!

Following that, it’s “Indie Darlings as WWF Jobbers” as LOW-KI comes to the WWF and jobs out to Crash Holly on Jakked! Then it’s some beautiful jobbery goodness, as ALEX “THE PUG” PORTEAU jumps from WWF to WCW (seriously, did they just pick up EVERYONE?) and takes on Joey Maggs on WCW Pro in 1997, as Larry Zbyszko brings the snarky commentary in the jobber vs. jobber contest. Then it’s two rarities, as KIM CHEE (Steve Lombardi) actually gets a pair of squashes matches on WWF television in 1993, one of which is against Nick Wayne’s dad Buddy Wayne, and the other against a guy Lord Alfred Hayes can’t hide his disgust of.

STAN HANSEN vs. KENTA KOBASHI:
(All Japan, July 29th 1993)
* Oh yeah, one of the all-time most famous All Japan matches- upstart and one of the Four Pillars, young Kenta Kobashi, takes on the big grumpy veteran and major survivor of the 1980s, Stan Hansen! Hansen is into his forties here, and looks it with this giant burly figure, while Kenta is only about 26. So the idea here is the young upstart is taking on this invincible legend, and has only the power of youth and FIGHTING SPIRIT on his side. Hansen decides to murder a ring boy for getting too close trying to take streamers out of the ring, and Kobashi comes to his defense and we’re off!

Kobashi just stays on Stan, battering him to the floor, slapping him in the face repeatedly (oh, boy gonna die) and DDTs him on the floor and charges him off the apron! Kenta with the early lead! Stan tries to fire back but Kenta’s still got too much speed on him, and smashes him into the post. This happens repeatedly, Stan unable to get anything going because his younger opponent has too much energy and is sticking and moving because he’s faster. Stan pulls hair and gets a headbutt, fighting mean, but Kenta lariats him down for two and grinds a hold to try and wear him down. Stan manages to suplex him, but Kenta pops the fans by retaining his grip and cranking it on! Hansen hits the floor and just gets his ASS kicked, Kenta throwing things like an ax kick over the guardrail and MUSCLES him into a vertical suplex, even basic moves getting good reactions. Holds and simple moves alternate and Stan eats an elbow & bulldog, then loses a strike war to the point of getting battered around and collapsing into the corner. But Kenta finally makes a mistake- he charges in and runs into a boot! Kobashi of course sells this one move as devastating, and rolls out to the floor, finally having punched himself out. Stan leads with his OWN dive off the apron and just POWERBOMBS him on the floor! Oh, it’s even now.

Stan wisely uses this as a breather, building anticipation and putting over the work done so far, then elbows Kobashi off the apron. Kenta is a wriggling bowl of jelly in the ring as Stan slowly works him over with savage precision, still wiped so he milks every move. Kenta has a brutal welt on his cheek (probably from a nasty falling knee) and gets repeatedly battered around- his own comeback is quickly stuffed and Stan keeps dropping knees and elbows on him, but he counter-chops him, then they get into a war of slaps and Kenta drops him with a running kick with a last ditch of energy! But youth is his enemy as he climbs up for a missile dropkick and splats, Stan trying for a quick pin. Then Hansen gets a splash off the second rope of all things for a big two-count! Stan looks incredulous at that and the “Ko-ba-shi!” chants, getting careless and putting his head down so he eats another bunch of strikes that have him stumbling around Jumbo-style, and Kenta follows with two high knees in the corner and the machine-gun chops, Stan selling with this “ah! ah! ah! ah! ah!” facial expression with each one! But Kenta does something dumb and gets shoved off by his larger opponent, only to fire up and counter Stan’s slaps with his own! Stan just whips him down by the hair, but Kenta is up with FIGHTING SPIRIT~~ and absorbs some headbutts and lariats Stan down!

Stan’s selling is AMAZING. He puts over everything with this combination of exhaustion and shock at how he was caught, appearing tired and slowly being beaten down, despite his fearsome reputation.

Kenta, wiped out and sweaty, pumps his fists leaning against the ropes for some energy as the fifteen-minute announcement comes on, and scores a floatover DDT for two. Kobashi pulls him up but Stan whips out the LARIAT, Kenta ducking and hitting a desperation sleeper to try and wear the big man down! Stan actually gets out but Kenta persistently hangs on- Stan has to make the ropes and looks tired, but Kenta overdoes it again with a slingshot bulldog and eats a monster backdrop suplex! Stan barely flops over covering Kenta’s chest with his whole body weight, getting two for our closest fall yet. Stan gets his reliable shoulderblock and then SIGNALS THE LARIAT, but Kenta trips him and fires four straight legdrops to the back of his head, the last one off the top rope! Kenta keeps milking two-counts- Moonsault! For two! It’s a huge double-down after the fans exploded, leading to Stan fighting up (using a Stanzuigiri of all things) and they’re reduced to crawling around on the mat, Stan only being able to grab Kenta’s leg. Kenta’s able to get a hooking clothesline and then is reduced to FLASH PINS of all things, trying again and again to pin his opponent, having run out of options. Like he’s so out of shit he tries TWO inside cradles. But then he rears back and gets a BIG lariat for two, and climbs to the top! But Stan’s up early! He tries to yank Kenta off by the hair, but the kid is too persistent- Stan heads to the apron and batters Kenta, but gets caught and knee-slammed repeatedly, they fight it out, and….

NO! NO NO NO NO! Kenta might have had it! But he tried one big risky move too many and Stan LARIATS him off the top rope! Kenta’s soul is severed clean from his body and makes a circuit around the Earth while the empty shell of his corpse hits the ring with this sickening FLOP, and it’s academic. Stan finally rolls into the ring and has to haul over Kobashi’s remains by shooting the half and pushing him, and that’s the three at (22:35). Kenta just tried one too many big things, and was endlessly caught by an invincible, brutal opponent.

These two are the GREATEST. Kenta with all this fire, pluck and energy, and Hansen as his big, grizzled, unstoppable opponent. Stan’s going over, so he’s super generous with the opening third of the match, giving and giving, selling even a resthold like his face is being crushed, but always throws mini-comebacks to look like he’s still fighting but just being overwhelmed by all that Kobashi is dishing out. His selling is some of the best you’ll see, as he has that quality where he doesn’t overdo it, but sells each blow like it staggered and surprised him, stumbling around and bumping into the edge of the ropes or something. Like most “Monster Threat”-type wrestlers, selling is one of the most important tools in the kit, and the one the dumb wrestlers forget about. If he flailed back on every blow like Big Show used to, it would diminish each shot and look too silly, so he does just enough to sell frustration, and sells with this “fuuuuckk….” kind of head-hanging look, like he’s being exhausted and worn down. I loved stuff like Kenta throwing everything he had, including his moonsault finisher, and being unable to get it so he gets desperate and just tries a sunset flip, schoolboy, inside cradle, etc., trying anything and everything to win.

The match is perfectly timed, too- Kobashi starts hot & fast, battering Stan around and never letting up on him, hitting big moves on the floor to keep fans into it. Some slower holds slow the pace a bit, but then Stan fires off a big comeback and a HUGE floor powerbomb immediately negates all of Kenta’s work, and let them take a breather and peak the fans for a bit and set up the next segment, which is Stan nastily taking him apart. And then Kenta gets one of his trademark fired-up comebacks, no-selling things and popping the fans again with big lariats and desperation moves to prevent Stan from getting too much on him, and by the end they’re in the “hit one big move and both sell death” mode, putting the toll of the match itself over. And repeatedly, Kenta tries a bit too risky a move, getting ahead of himself and the wily veteran is able to move out of the way. This pays off repeatedly with charges going badly until the finish, which has Kobashi going up one time too many and getting caught- he still fires back and improvises on the spot, but Stan’s just got too much in him and Kobashi eats the Lariat and it’s done. Amazing how Kobashi controlled almost the entire match and got all the reactions, but Stan just goes “Not enough gun, kid” and rips his head off. The Lariat is just too strong. And HOLY SHIT that sell-job- Kenta flopping to the mat after flipping backwards.

Rating: ***** (a match of beautiful simplicity- nothing fancy aside from a single moonsault, but amazingly brutal and stiff, with tons of effort and character performances)

THE UNDERTAKER (w/ The Ministry of Darkness) vs. KURRGAN (w/ The Oddities):
(WWF Sunday Night Heat, Feb. 28th 1999)
* Man, THE UNDERTAKER showing up on Sunday Night Heat? weird. That show was typically for sub-tier angles or “do something to set up RAW”, or just give the undercard some ring-time, not stuff with main eventers. Kurrgan’s part of the Oddities as their careers wind down, and they’re actually super-over with this crowd, who are all doing the “Oddities sway” back and forth. The Undertaker at this point had formed the Ministry, but not all the pieces were there yet- his hair wasn’t long enough, he was still using the old “Funeral March” theme and not the Latin chant thing with the hard rock, and he comes out in just his ring gear.

Kurrgan is serious as Taker hits the ring, and actually takes a swing before the bell, but Taker ducks him and throws a punch flurry (Kurrgan trying his hardest to sell being staggered- jittering with each punch and flailing his arms around) into his falling clothesline. Taker’s groin was injured by this point, I think, as he’s moving super-gingerly. He goes *MMA TAKER* in the corner with a punch combo, then easily Chokeslams Kurrgan and calmly puts his boot across the face for the three at (0:44). haha oh man I was expecting a short match, but THAT? Less than a minute? The Oddities check on their guy, and Taker summons the entire Ministry from the rampway to come down and annihilate the group. Bradshaw has to fight to get into position on Giant Silva wandering around, and Viscera splashes him. Gangrel seems to relish beating George Steele while he’s lying against the ropes, too. Taker gets on the mic and calls out Vince McMahon- this is during the “Abduction of Stephanie” angle, making this bout a means to an end.

The writing was definitely on the wall for the Oddities at this point. Aaaaaaaaand checking Cagematch this is literally it for them- they’re all taken off TV for good after this. Silva gets a Super Astros appearance or two later on, but the Oddities are finished. Taker wins without breaking a sweat and just throws punches. It’s pretty incongruous to see, given how Kurrgan is noticeably larger (a few inches taller and MUCH heavier) but Taker just throws a bunch of punches and drops him like nothing, not even working the size difference at all. Like, Taker stuck and moved and threw flurries at the guy, but you’d think Kurrgan might get SOMETHING. I mean not that Kurrgan was any good, but it’s weird to see giants treated like jobbers, even by main eventers.

Rating: DUD (not even a match! Just some stuff!)

CRASH HOLLY vs. LOKI:
(WWF Jakked, Oct. 28th 2000
* WOOO it’s time for more Indie Legends getting squashed on WWF TV! Yes, it’s LOW-KI, famous indie kicky guy (and the one mega-respected indie guy of his generation who didn’t go on to WWF success, mostly due to being a moron), and he’s trotted out against one of the WWF’s lowest-tier guys on Jakked. “Loki” is in big baggy pants, and is still flapping his massive mouth with the huffanpuff.

They square off, Loki doing his “martial arts” guard pose, leaning way forwards- Crash calls a spot in the headlock and ducks a kick, only to eat a low dropkick and a kick series (complete with “thigh-slap” head kick!), into the cartwheel kick in the corner as Crash’s letting him do his indie routines like a good sport. Crash gets choked (he doesn’t put his hands on Loki’s to sell it! Vince must be FURIOUS!) and headlocked as they call more stuff, then a double-clothesline has them both down. Crash gets a back elbow, dropkick & slam, then lets Loki get his “backflip off the top rope” spot (though he stumbles and BARELY gets it), gets a bad backbreaker and misses a moonsault. Cue the ending- Crash hits his Tornado Bulldog and pins him at (3:27).

A very simple “Jakked Match”- the WWF guys were usually good about letting the indie darlings (who had replaced the “established jobbers” of old) throw in some of their fancy indie spots to try and get over. Crash sold a bunch of it, and thankfully Loki recovered after sorta butchering his backflip spot, but the execution problems were hitting them by the back half. This was borderline just Crash letting his opponent do everything cool, as his own offense was very basic 1980s stuff save for the ending (does he normally kick off only one rope? I thought tornado bulldogs were typically done closer to the corner so he could bounce off each one?).

Rating: * (less a “squash” and more “competitive ass-kicking leading to a one-move comeback win” but fine, if a bit iffily-wrestled in the end)

“Jumping” Joey was a career jobber, but WCW was usually into the idea of PRETENDING many of them were up & comers who just needed to pick up some wins and experience.

ALEX PORTEAU vs. JOEY MAGGS:
(WCW Pro, Nov. 16th 1997)
* WCW, man. ALEX PORTEAU of all people leaves WWF after his JTTS run and becomes a basic jobber trading wins with other jobbers on the D-shows. I don’t think I was even aware he’d made the jump (he was one of my “dark horse” guys I sorta liked as a young fan). Maggs looks like a total dink, with bad hair, a flabby physique, a 1980s vest, and pumping his fists with that “Jim Powers” mannerism of a resolute jobber. Porteau has a good physique at this point, but the buzzcut and orange trunks make him look like a nobody.

Porteau whirls around but takes a clothesline, but comes back with a dirty break in the corner, only to eat some jobber-fu (like the infamous “arm under the armpit” hold). He gets an elbow in the corner and finally remembers to look at the fans (but doesn’t actually DO anything- he just hits a move and looks at them with a frown). A weak clothesline gets two and Alex seems sorta weird here, like his moves are all hitting at odd angles or are extra-loose. He does a neck-vice but misses a dropkick, and Larry Z hits the dig of “I tell ya, it’s not easy to miss Joey’s midsection, but Maggs saw that one coming…” and Joey makes the comeback. And by “comeback” I mean he just blank-faces and walks slowly towards Alex to the point where Larry is correctly ripping on him (“He’s not going in quick enough!”)- he nearly takes an enzuigiri but ducks, then swings out an enzuigiri of his own with Brian Knobs-like grace, and that’s the pin at (3:02). Lol that was awful.

This was a pretty bad one- they keep it even-stevens so it’s not a squash, so instead it’s just two lame job-guys trading basic stuff back and forth. Porteau eschews all his amateur-wrestling stuff for strikes, throwing boots to the gut and clotheslines & stuff, and his form of “heeling” is to be like the grumpy serious indie guys of the 2000s, just frowning and looking down all the time. Maggs wasn’t pumping his fists or anything during the match, just memorizing his moves and doing them, too. And I mean, if you look and move like THAT, you better have some damn charisma! Porteau himself felt clunky, as his stuff was very non-standard (hitting a clothesline from a weird position and angle, hitting his knees after), and it wasn’t helped by Joey’s lack of agility. And this is from a guy with a “JUMPING” nickname!

Rating: 1/2* (a forgettable basic nothing match)

KIM CHEE vs. BUDDY WAYNE:
(WWF French Exclusive, 1993)
* Yes, it’s KIM CHEE getting singles matches, and his opponent is Nick Wayne’s dad! Judging by his short, squat “Joey Maggs” look, Buddy shot way above his grade with Mother Wayne- dude is like a head shorter than Kim Chee, who has gotta be the Brooklyn Brawler here. Love the powder blue tights.

The miniature Buddy throws a punch, ignored by Kim Chee, who works him over using the simplest shit possible- chop, whips to the corner, necking him on the rope, dumping him, slamming him on the floor, and doing a bad camel clutch for the win (1:18). Like, how do you have a bad CAMEL CLUTCH? He’s putting his weight entirely on his heels with his legs spread out!

Rating: DUD (pretty awful squash, as Kimchee has NOTHING in the way of good offense and just kinda hits “opening minutes of the match” stuff on an opponent who can’t defend himself, then does a clutch with awful technique)

Every part of this camel clutch offends me. Not only is it a boring move, but his technique is god-awful. No arch at all!

KIM CHEE vs. JIM GORMAN:
(WWF Mania, March 6th 1993)
* I just had to watch another one, haha. Gorman is at least a fully-grown man, looking pale in tricolor trunks.

The match starts the exact same way as the last one did, Kim Chee ignoring a punch and chopping the jobber down, then whipping him to the ropes- Lord Alfred quips that “Jim Gorman hasn’t seen much sunshine either”, then suggests “Jim Gorman is inept- Kamala is a very swift man”. Man, did this jobber piss someone off backstage, lol? Gorman is dumped and thrown into the ringpost, then Kim Chee stoically beats on him a bit then hits an EVEN WORSE camel clutch, just lying on his tailbone and lightly putting his arms on the guy’s chin. Gorman submits at (2:53), ending a ridiculously plodding, boring squash. The whole time, Kim Chee just stands stock-still and calmly goes from move to move.

Rating: DUD (THESE ARE THE WORST SQUASHES EVER)