Owen Hart & Yokozuna vs. Men on a Mission (and other Dream Matches!)

This is what I miss most about wrestling. You don’t see stuff like THIS anymore- 1,100 lbs. of humanity clashing in the middle of the ring. You’d need like eleven Adam Coles!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! I have a wild assortment for you tonight, starting off with my favorite pairing ever for FAT MAN STAND-OFFS, Mabel vs. Yokozuna! But it’s the Tag Champions Owen Hart & Yoko against a heel Men on a Mission, in a rare heel vs. heel clash to set up the PPV title defense against Two Dudes With Attitudes!

Next up, it’s a potential dream match of ***1/2+ capabilities with Fit Finlay vs. Eddie Guerrero… but it’s a random Nitro match while they’re feuding with other guys, so it’s probably filler! Then I try to learn about RIKI CHOSHU, one of the bigger stars I’ve practically never seen, and it’s him vs. Stan Hansen! Finally, Chris Jericho defends the WCW Cruiserweight Title against his non-union American equivalent, Lenny Lane, as he works out his early heel character! Read on!

NON-TITLE MATCH:
OWEN HART & YOKOZUNA (w/ Jim Cornette & Mr. Fuji) vs. MEN ON A MISSION (King Mabel & Mo):
(WWF RAW, Sept. 15th 1995)
* Oh man the all-time FAT MAN STAND-OFF returns, and in tag form again! This is actually Heel vs. Heel, which almost NEVER happens in the WWF so you know this was a time where the roster was depleted. King Mabel’s push had stalled out the month after SummerSlam (and his loss to Diesel), but he was about to get ready for a feud with Undertaker. He didn’t tag with Mo very much during this time, so the man who was now his hype-guy having a match was rare, never mind him taking on the heel tag team champions. Mabel’s in the black shirt with dark purple gear, while chubby Mo is in bright gold- Owen & Yoko are in the usual. Mabel being carried to the ring on a palanquin by a quartet of agonized, shaking jobbers is always hilarious to me.

Mabel & Yoko do the facedown before the bell to build anticipation, McMahon putting over their weights (560 lbs. vs. over 600) and assuring us that the ring HAS been reinforced for this one. Yoko has a very funny “casual conversation” face when talking to Owen, which seems out of character for his typically non-talkative character. “I’M DA KIIIIIIIIIIIIING!” shouts Mabel to the booing fans, holding his crowd aloft as they’re taking their time after the bell rings, as is typical in WWF. Of course Owen & Mo start us off, getting into a shoving match, Owen slapping him and earning an ass-kicking as a result, to no reaction (CUZ IT’S MO)- Owen runs into a good powerslam and IN COMES MABEL, and he works over Owen, missing an avalanche but shoving him off the corner punches while Lawler points out that as a kid Mabel was so big he could only play “Seek” (Vince doesn’t get it). Mabel cheats from the apron like a good heel- Yoko’s doing a bad job acting pissed at this, though, just standing on the apron blank-faced and not even moving much when Mo comes over and slugs him for the distraction, letting then double-team Owen.

Mo calls a spot for the International into a sunset flip reversal spot, but gets dumped and in comes Yoko, who calls out Mabel for a FAT MAN STAND-O– but Mabel’s not legal! So Owen uses the distraction to smash Mo into the stairs on the floor. Yokozuna beats Mo into goo, drawing in Mabel, allowing Owen to cheat even more. I love how heel vs. heel matches are all about everyone seeing who can cheat the best. Owen & Mo miss simultaneous wheel kicks, leading to the best possible scenario- MEGA FAT MAN STAND-OFF!! Yoko vs. Mabel! Some fans even react and cheer! They slug it out, then Mabel pulls out a SLING BLADE of all things, clotheslines Owen when he runs in, then press-slams him onto Yoko. Our stand-off tragically ends with a double-clothesline flat-backing Yoko, but Owen repays the earlier cheating and Mo gets clotheslined down. Missile dropkick gets two and Owen hits a neckbreaker, repeatedly going “WOO!” after all his moves, but gets crotched and Superplexed. JESUS CHRIST, the ring didn’t even BUDGE! That’s 500 lbs. of dude hitting it and it doesn’t move an inch- that shit had to feel like a pool table. Mother of god. Yokozuna breaks up the pin at the last second, drawing in Mabel, who gets shoved to the floor to set up the ending- Owen & Yoko hit their Drop Toehold/Legdrop finisher on Mo, Yoko tripping up an invading Mabel on (9:03) so it scores the pin. The Champions win!

Okay, this wasn’t bad! Mo carried his end okay- his offense is painfully generic and he’s not over, but he’s solid enough to hit a nice powerslam or whatever, saving the Mabel/Yoko showdown (with a couple of teases) for the bigger moment after the double-tag. I did like how all the offense was just both teams trying to cheat- rare psychology in a Western match. Both guys hitting shots to the back from the apron, Mabel using a distraction to strangle Owen, Owen using a distraction to rip into Mo, etc.- Mabel gets the tag into the FAT MAN STAND-OFF (tragically, no No-Sold Shoulderblocks), getting a good “hot tag” bit (er, if he was a babyface) by throwing Owen onto Yokozuna, Yoko takes a few bumps, then we end with a monster superplex and the Champs hitting their finisher during a distraction while Mabel can’t get into the ring quickly enough. Solid psychology and bumping throughout, but these matches are a hard sell with the fans (Heel vs. Heel, and the un-over Mo’s in for the majority- everyone knew he was a scrub).

Rating: **3/4 (probably worse if you account for my biases towards clashes of obesity, but I thought it was fine!)

WCW TV TITLE:
FIT FINLEY vs. EDDIE GUERRERO:
(WCW Nitro, June 1st 1998)
* This is one of like nine million Eddie/Finley matches WCW put out, as both guys were reliable workhorses often shoved out there to fill seven minutes on various shows on the WCW schedule. Here, Eddie’s in black and looking nervous about where his nephew Chavo is. Finley’s got the bleach-blond spiky hair and is the current TV Champion- it’s a bit unlike WCW that a guy who wasn’t really given a big push at all still had a run with that belt. Even if they used that spelling of his name (it’s usually FINLAY).

Simple, tight chain-wrestling starts us off, with Eddie going for the hair and Fit nailing some European uppercuts, but Eddie goes to the eyes to take over. Finley tosses him off to avoid a super frankensteiner and launches Eddie into the corner and a backdrop suplex gets two. Finley drops some hammering shots and works a chinlock so commentary can talk about the Benoit/Booker “Best of 7” series for Finley’s next challenger. Eddie whirls around into a sleeper, but Fit actually hauls Eddie up onto his shoulders and tosses him throat-first across the top rope. Eddie recovers first and gets his slingshot senton as the crowd is QUIET- neither dude is bothering to interact with the audience; they’re just doing stuff to do it. Finley goes into the post and Eddie backdrop suplexes him, then starts to work him over in the ropes as some fans chant “Eddie sucks!”, and here’s Chavo running in at (4:58) for the DQ.

Yeah, just a big time-waster leading to the Eddie/Chavo deal. You could kinda tell because neither guy was putting in much effort or creativity, just trading basic stuff. The execution was as tight as you’d expect, but for five minutes and that finish they probably figured “why bother?” as we didn’t get anything even approaching a big move or legit finish attempt.

Rating: *3/4 (perfunctory filler TV match, albeit with better guys than you’d usually get)

PWF & AWA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLES:
RIKI CHOSHU vs. STAN HANSEN:
(All Japan, 4/5/1986)
* Yes, it’s a RIKI CHOSHU match! One of the bigger Japanese stars I’ve never seen much before (I think his only appearance in this column is a fancam show against Yokozuna). At this point he was a New Japan guy who’d jumped to All Japan in a big coup for Giant Baba, having formed a stable of young upstart loyalists around himself and “invaded” All Japan in a run that lasted three years and brought in a lot of yen, I’m told. And he’s taking on the legendary Stan Hansen, then the AWA World Champion! Riki’s the PWF Champion (then the top AJPW belt) and a burly dude- 6 feet and 260+ lbs. in Generic Black Trunks, but with itty-bitty white boots that always make me laugh. Hansen absolutely dwarfs him.

Opening grapples go nowhere as they jostle for position and try stuff, Riki managing some holds on Hansen and not just being bowled over. They roll around on the mat a while, getting limbs tangled, but Stan ultimately gets his slam & elbow for two. But now it’s back to Riki trying arm stuff and man they quieted this crowd down FAST. I mean they’re always looking like they’re going for stuff or jostling around but it’s just Limb Humping. Stan is tripped for the Sasori-Gatame (scorpion deathlock) attempt… but they just lie there in it and the fans realize quickly it’s just a tease and settle down. Granted it’s basically impossible to throw that on IRL against a resisting opponent. Riki fights to his feet and that gets the fans into it until he collapses again. Stan works on the arm, but Riki trips him for the Leg Hump. Oh, the Leg Hump- how I hate thee. Just hooking the knee under your armpit and lying there! Riki bails for a bit, then comes back and Stan flies over the top trying a charge! AN ACTUAL MOVE! Riki goes into the post on the floor but Stan LARIATS it and Riki moves to humping the arm instead of the leg.

After resisting a cross-armbreaker for ages, Stan fights out and suplexes Riki for two, but lands on knees trying a splash and Choshu loads up the RIKI LARIAT, knocking Stan to the floor! Riki stalls, then prevents Stan from entering, then fights a bit as they kill more time, Stan gets grumpy with the ring boys, then manages to drop knees. Stan starts whipping Riki off the ropes for strikes like a back elbow, boot, etc., then lands his Lariat! And another! And a third… then just dumps Riki and drops a knee on him as I guess the lariat wasn’t a big deal yet? Stan loads up another one but Riki moves and the ref takes it! Riki lands a big backdrop suplex but gets jumped by Stan’s second, who is jumped by Riki’s, and Stan keeps throwing shots on Riki and shoving refs around until it’s an All Japan Fuck Finish at (18:27). Everyone hits the ring for the festivities but then Stan comes in with his bullrope and Riki just BLASTS him with the PWF Title, and of course the post-match brawl is fought with 10 times more ferocity and impact than the actual match, lol.

Oh man this was boring, haha. When people dismiss technical stuff as boring this is what they mean- they’re moving around and still acting like they’re doing fight-related stuff, but it’s just Leg Humping followed by Arm Humping, with barely any real offense thrown in. Both guys are obviously good (Stan is top-tier from everything I’ve seen), but Riki would do something like try for his finisher immediately and fight in it for like 5 minutes. Just KICK THE LEG FIRST, jesus. Then Stan fights up and alternates all his “whip the guy off the rope” moves (like when you forget what your move is in a video game and keep doing the set-up until you hit the right button), hits THREE lariats… which aren’t the MDK they were in the ’90s cuz here they ain’t shit, and then it’s a fuck finish anyways, haha. What a waste of time!

Rating: ** (barely even deserves that- very lazy performance but Stan was good to go)

WCW CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE:
CHRIS JERICHO vs. LENNY LANE:
(WCW Nitro, Feb. 23rd 1998)
* It’s Chris Jericho vs. his Mini-Me! Lenny was mostly notable for looking kinda like Jericho if you squinted, and was used as a fake-out a couple times that way. He was a very generic wrestler who didn’t stick out otherwise. Jericho is doing CLASSIC heel schtick wearing Juventud Guerrera’s mask, which he’d just captured the night before. He boasts about wanting to wear the mask during the match as a tribute to “Air Quasi”, but decides he can’t keep his face away from all the Jerichoholics. ah, the time when Jericho was fresh and funny, and not at all tired. Lenny’s already in the ring, wearing lime green & black trunks. Jericho’s in silver and has his obnoxious chin-only beard.

Jericho gets as far as a lockup before a “Jericho Sucks!” chant breaks out, immediately running to the ref to get the fans to stop, haha. His shock followed by a petulant temper tantrum to let the fans know they’re really getting to him is what makes “dorky heels” great. Jericho squeals as Lenny wins an international and starts beating on him, but a chase outside leads to Jericho clocking him coming in, and a suplex gets two. Jericho complains to the ref about the count and gets nearly tossed, skins the cat back in, then celebrates and turns around into a clothesline to hit the floor- the classics always work. Jericho whines again and Lane hits a cannonball off the apron and follows with a full-nelson facebuster for two. Lane tries to leap over Jericho in the corner and nearly gets caught in the Liontamer, but does a rollup for two, nearly getting him. Lane gets whipped off the ropes and comes back with a boomerang sunset flip attempt, but that’s it- Jericho reverses with the Liontamer (high-angle boston crab) for the tap-out at (3:38). Good showing by Lenny Lane, catching a few hope spots and big moves while Jericho mostly gets his ass kicked.

As a match, it establishes the “Jericho is a douche and a sore winner” thing, as he gets a pre-match promo, disses “Air Quasi”, reacts badly to fan jeering, then whines openly about eating offense. Lane’s stuff was horribly generic but mostly fine, albeit delivered with total blankness to his expression, as he’s Basic Cruiserweight #530 at this point. Even the finish establishes things yet again- Jericho at this point was known to take a LOT of offense and bounce around like a goof, but the Liontamer was such a threat that if he caught you with a reversal, you were done. Very good psychology to have in matches.

Rating: *3/4 (not bad for a 3:38 TV match, but Lane was a bit stoic)