Haku & The Great Kabuki vs. Billy Robinson & Bobby Heenan (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I’m starting off with another of those “wait, THAT happened?” WTF matches, as The Great Kabuki takes his gimmick from the US to All Japan in 1984, teaming up with a very young Prince Tonga (Haku) against aged British veteran Billy Robinson… and Bobby “The Brain” Heenan shortly before he retired! Come see Heenan’s “sniveling heel twerp” act completely fail to get over with Japanese audiences as these four completely disparate guys go out there and wrestle!

Then it’s the end of my look at Dangerous Danny Davis as he takes on Koko B. Ware in 1988! The second of Giant Silva’s solo WWF matches, as he takes on notable luchadore Pantera on WWF Super Astros! And finally, it’s a very notable match between KENTA and Naomichi Marufuji in 2006 NOAH. The famous Dragon Gate 6-Man at ROH from the same year is one of the matches that most-influenced what the American Indie style became… now come see the other one! Because HOLY SHIT every single part of this match looks like it was lifted 100% for today’s AEW Dynamite matches.

THE GREAT KABUKI & PRINCE TONGA vs. BILLY ROBINSON & BOBBY “THE BRAIN” HEENAN:
(All Japan, June 9th 1984)
* Oh HELL YES!! It’s Haku vs. Bobby Heenan! With great gimmick wrestler Kabuki teaming with young “Prince Tonga” against Heenan and legendary Billy Robinson, a British star wrestler. He’s got curly black hair and a cheesy moustache (like the guy you gotta kick out of a children’s playground), and looks super-old, but gets a pretty good reaction (Heenan gets nothing- they don’t know him). He’s in red trunks while Heenan’s in his standard one-strap tights, looking scrawny and flabby (he was NOT wrestling for long after this). Tonga’s at this point pretty slender compared to his later self, lacking the roid muscle OR bulk. He & Kabuki are in baggy pants.

Kabuki does three sprays of green mists into his hands before the bell, leading to Heenan bailing in disgust. Kabuki leaves after three minutes of no meaningful contact, and Tonga headbutts Robinson down, Robinson doing cartoonish rolling bumps off of EVERYTHING and bailing repeatedly. Robinson tries a top wristlock and gets spooked by martial arts, but lands a neckbreaker and sends in Heenan to no reaction. Heenan immediately gets beat up, but knees Kabuki out of a wristlock and throws a bunch of shots, leading to Billy working his own. Butterfly suplex gets two as the pace is still VERY slow, then hits a backdrop suplex to backbreaker thing- Tonga saves. Heenan hits a sleeper for a rest, Kabuki fighting up (Heenan’s facial expressions are fantastic) and kicking him throat-high (Bobby spitting on the sell), but they collide for a double-down. Robinson slams Kabuki for two, but eats a thrust kick after missing a corner charge and Tonga’s tagged in. Nothing really important happens and he misses a dropkick and Robinson hits his default neckbreaker, but Tonga easily comes back on Heenan for a bit, then takes some weak strikes before Bobby takes a further beating. Kabuki thrust kicks him for two and Heenan calls in Robinson, but Billy brawls to the floor with Tonga and Kabuki finishes off Heenan with a side kick off the top at (13:59).

Oh man, this was REALLY bad, haha. Tonga was green and barely in there, and Kabuki just hit loose, sloppy offense and could only seem to do thrust kicks without fucking it up and looking clumsy. Heenan’s stuff was very “US Comedy Heel” which wouldn’t get over in Japan and all he can do is throw weak punches and kicks in between eyerakes, though his selling was good. Robinson was fine but was locked into neckbreakers for some reason. This was INCREDIBLY un-over with the crowd, too, as they only managed to cheer a bit for Kabuki repeatedly.

Rating: *1/2 (just a really long match full of pretty bad, weak offense)

KOKO B. WARE vs. DANGEROUS DANNY DAVIS (w/ Jimmy Hart):
(WWF Superstars, Feb. 28th 1988)
* It’s two of the lowest guys on the totem pole, with babyface Koko taking on a decidedly no-longer-featured Danny Davis. Koko’s in blue tights and is pretty toned and muscular still- it’s not until 1991 or so when he gets dumpy.

Davis pounces from behind and uses his usual unathletic punches and kicks to work over Koko, who gets a couple of flash-pin attempts before Davis pounces again. Koko leapfrogs and gets a dropkick, but an eyepoke puts him down again. Classic Davis match, but WAY more in his favor that most- most guys just ate him alive, took a couple moves after he cheated, then ate him alive again. Poor Koko was stuck doing the “Randy Savage Template” with him, taking tons of beatdowns and being only able to get off one-move comebacks before being stomped on again. But then Davis puts his head down and Koko immediately facelocks him, and the mother of all Ghostbusters (brainbuster) finishes him at (2:27). Oh holy jesus the bump on that. Davis was going lead-assed up top and Koko just DRILLED him- his head definitely hit the mat there.

This match, more than even the other Davis squashes, showcases how awful he really was. Just a total stiff, only able to throw weak punches and stomps. The issue is he keeps his body stiff and static during nearly everything, only getting a quick little “stomp” during his overhand shots- wrestling moves should typically be done using as much of your body as possible so the moves “read”, but he’s just standing there bolt-upright, never mind that nothing he does actually counts as WRESTLING- he doesn’t actually have any moves! Just punches and kicks! Koko for some reason was expected to just eat 80% of the offense in the match and only get one-move comebacks before he got clocked again, having to fight on the defensive against this dweeb until he just killed him.

Rating: 1/2* (another demonstration of Davis’s incompetence as a wrestler, heat machine that he was at one point)

Pantera: He’s a kitty!

GIANT SILVA vs. PANTERA:
(WWF Super Astros, 07/04/1999)
* It’s another Giant Silva solo match from Super Astros! The Big Show had debuted in the WWF by this point, necessitating getting the taller giant off TV to avoid undercutting Paul Wight’s stature and giving us too many giants. This is stated to be his “Return” (it’s not listed on Cagematch) and he’s actually using Oddities music, months after the whole group had been released (Feb. 1999). Part of me wishes we’d have seen the Big Show squash Silva in a minute to establish who the “Best Giant” was, but I don’t think this dude could even bump right for any of Show’s stuff. Pantera is an actual lucha star who didn’t make WWF TV otherwise, doing a cat gimmick in a white bodysuit. Silva is once again in normal clothes- giant Adidas track pants, from the looks of things.

Silva no-sells some dropkicks, knocks Pantera down for trying a thigh-kick, then avoids being lifted and swats him down. Back from break with Silva hitting a back body drop and legdrop and hey- that one wasn’t bad! A corner clothesline follows and Pantera rolls around & cowers, then gets headbutted down. Silva pounds him down again and slams him, then GOES UP (!) and a Flying Splash hits at (2:24) for the win. I mean it wasn’t pretty but it was a flying splash!

This was less disastrous than the other match, as Pantera could bump better and was a better overall jobber, while Silva looked a bit spritelier for some reason. Was he injured in the first match or something? Had he done more training since then? While he’s hardly GOOD, it’s night and day. Though his character stuff is still weak, as he isn’t dancing, being weird, or being scary- he’s just shrugging at all Pantera’s offense and selling like “What?”, repeating the same motion each time.

Rating: 1/2* (perfectly acceptable “Monster destroying a wimpy jobber” match, though obviously Pantera was doing more work and Silva lacks any real character)

GLOBAL HONORED CROWN JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE:
KENTA vs. NAOMICHI MARUFUJI:
(Pro Wrestling NOAH, Jan. 22nd 2006)
* It’s Marufuji vs. KENTA! I am to understand both of these gentlemen are very good at the pro wrestling. This match comes highly requested and I am also vastly underqualified to talk about the history owing to the one KENTA match I’ve seen (and that’s in AEW) and the zero Marufuji matches I’ve seen (THAT’S RIGHT YOU HEARD ME!). But I DID look at their Wiki pages to find their movesets so I’ll at least know what moves they’re going for and which ones are supposed to be big deals. According to Alex P’s “Almost 5-Star Matches” column these two were brought up together, KENTA by Kenta Kobashi and Marufuji by Mitsuharu Misawa, and were GHC Jr. Tag Champs together, but Marufuji’s being elevated to the Heavyweight division and MIGHT be leaving his old partner/rival behind. Marufuji’s in big baggy flared pants (is he a Tekken fan? That shit is Jin Kazama’s!) and Kenta’s in yellow/black bisected bicycle shorts with the mop-top hair and shitty beard he still retains. KENTA is humorously a guy who inspired a lot of American white guys to swipe a lot of his shit and make it their own, with Danielson’s Busaiku Knee and Punk’s Go 2 Sleep even taking the names. Ever wonder if our guys come off as American cover bands to Japanese fans?

They do a superfast lucha sequence ending in strike-trading and a Pause For Applause as their precision is really impressive- they didn’t even do anything elaborate- it was just quick and tight. KENTA offers a slap to the face during a break, challenging Marufuji to a slapfest (KENTA’s are twice as loud) but the strikewar ends with Marufuji catching his charge with a dropkick. Marufuji controls on the mat with some good stuff, KENTA occasionally “exploding” amateur-style to avoid the mount or a painful-looking neck-crank. He finally tires out a bit and KENTA kicks & slaps him with incredible stiffness, then hits a butterfly suplex (MOXLEY’S FINISHER! That’s three AEW guys now!) and I’m liking how KENTA just fills the “between” stuff with stiff kicks. Or pulls a feint and catches Marufuji unaware with a headshot. He taunts Marufuji to life but kicks his ass again, finding many varieties of ways to put his foot against his opponent’s body. Marufuji tries to pick spots but loses strike wars badly and is restholded. Marufuji can’t get shit going until he reverses an actual hold (tornado ddt) and slide-trips KENTA off the apron. Marufuji is now in the lead at last, and uses precision instead of just brutality, working the knee by smashing it into the post & guardrail, then popping the fans by dropkicking the railing while KENTA’s knee is draped over it. That’s awesome because it’s almost completely safe but looks like murder.

Marufuji slows it down with holds- KENTA seethes on impact moves but is less pained by those. Super dragon screw into the figure-four to really puts the pressure on, then goads him with KENTA’s own taunt-kick tactics, leading to a fight where he takes him down and has to be told not to use a punch. KENTA finally gets his foot up in the corner and powerslams him to make a double-down and come back, and it’s kicks! Springboard dropkick! Big boots! Running corner boot! Corner kicks and hey wait that’s the leg that Marufuji was working on. ah well he hadn’t worked a hold for a few minutes so it counts as healed! Fisherman’s buster gets two, but he’s goaded into sailing to the floor on a missed strike and Marufuji does a crazy side-saddle dive over the ropes to blast out a flying leg! That’s sold a while (the pin attempt is 40 seconds later) and Marufuji nails two BEAUTIFUL leaping back elbows, one with KENTA curled up in “Bronco Buster” position! Big backdrop suplex with a floatover jackknife gets two. Marufuji nails a missile kick to his downed opponent, but misses a kick (see, every time he tries strikes he loses) and tries his Shiranui (stunner backflipped to inverted ddt), but gets shoved off and has his head kicked off when he heads to the top. Death Valley Driver gets two for KENTA, but his next kick is caught with a capture suplex for two!

KENTA ends up on the floor but hits a DVD out there, hitting a springboard dropkick & Bridging German 30 seconds later for two, but Marufuji lands on his feet from a tiger suplex and hits a straightjacket German for two! Jesus that’s a lot of MOVEZ. At least Marufuji is slowed after, taking long enough up top that KENTA does a vertical leap right to him and hits a Super Falcon Arrow for the closest count yet! KENTA’s immediately back up with a combo, tiger suplexing Marufuji when he tries a Shiranui again. Marufuji manages a rollup counter but eats a leaping kick and a buckle bomb into an overthrow powerbomb and they botch a “powerbomb leading to a rana to the floor”. This leads to an apron fight ending with Marufuji finally landing a Shiranui off the apron to the floor! Both are FINALLY dead, and it’s a full minute before KENTA rolls back in, taking a “coast to coast” springboard dropkick from Marufuji into an elevated keylock brainbuster- two! An exhausted Marufuji tries to finish with a Super Shiranui but gets countered to a backdrop and lands on his feet for thrust kicks and the Shiranui for two. He tries up top to finish, but the fight on the top leads to KENTA’s Superduper Fisherman’s Buster (with an unusual forward leap)! KENTA takes 20 seconds to roll over, getting two, then wins the “last minute strike-trading” and hits the Busaiku Knee (running knee smash) for two! His finisher- the Go 2 Sleep- two! Marufuji is dead, so KENTA fires off two more running knees, then runs the ropes twice over to absolutely bowl him over with a final Busaiku Knee for three (29:19). KENTA retains!

Oh man this was “Every AEW Dynamite Main Event” but YEARS beforehand- no wonder those guys all lifted this shit. You can practically feel the US Indies salivating while this match was going on, guys throwing out all kinds of shit for two-counts and instant comebacks. The whole “two huge moves for two, then a super falcon arrow for two” and the “both hit the floor, fight on the apron into a huge move off the apron” thing is textbook what guys are doing in AEW & the indies these days, never mind all the quick thrust kicks to stun each other and the “last minute of the match strike-trading”. Very solid work throughout, with KENTA dominating the early going with strikes (especially those stiff kicks), repeatedly battering Marufuji, who couldn’t answer them and took a shitkicking after getting provoked into striking contests. In the end he had to reverse an actual wrestling move to take the lead, and use smarts by picking a limb. After that it was less psychology and tactics and more just endlessly reversing stuff or kicking out of big moves, though. KENTA’s selling wasn’t great- he would do okay on the knee-based strikes but mostly sells like “…” and doesn’t really grimace or writhe much after big moves, or fight up or anything- he just sorta springs to life once it’s his turn to do shit. Marufuji’s better at selling exhaustion, waiting for his spot, etc.

I’m loving how KENTA is just direct and “kick your face off” but also fits in his kicks as intermediate and “filler” offense, as well as counters, making him a constant threat… while Marufuji’s offense has this beautiful flow to it- a kind of choreographed ballet where he spins in mid-air and shit. The back third of the match was mostly filled with BIG MOVEZ and you can defffffffffffinitely see the impact this had on the US indies thereafter, as you get things like DVDs & Capture suplexes as two-counts with no sense they could end it, and a damn DVD on the FLOOR with ten minutes to go, leading to two big moves and Marufuji still pops to life and hits amazing counters and a suplex reversal for two, haha. Then it’s Super Falcon Arrow for two, then a tiger suplex, and still guys are popping up ten seconds later to fire off their shit, then three finishers can’t end it and another is needed. Now this is a big match and you can justify “2.9 wrestling” a lot more in those, but of course this kind of leads to today’s “every move gets 2.9 and nothing is really a finisher” when it’s weekly on Dynamite. But STILL I see this devaluing a lot of potentially big moves. Though it’s still far better than you usually get nowadays, as the offense is WAY more precise, guys sell for longer, the moves hadn’t been devalued yet, and they don’t have to slow-wrestle during ad breaks.

Rating: **** (amazing physical performance and a ton of awesome shit- little psychology after the first 10 and mostly just MOVEZ, but it works and at least was precise and awesome with said MOVEZ)