Toshiaki Kawada vs. D’Lo Brown (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have another of those completely bizarre mish-mashes of styles as one of the iconic Attitude Era midcarders takes on one of the FOUR PILLARS, as D’Lo Brown goes to All Japan in the 2000s and wrestles Toshiaki Kawada! In Korakuen Hall! Wrestling is amazing!

Next up, I found one of two Giant Silva SOLO matches on WWF television, as he made SuperAstros against jobber J.R. Ryder! Then it’s some classic “Throwaway WCW Stuff” as Booker T takes on Bobby Duncum, Jr. on WCW Saturday Night in 1999. Then it’s an AMAZING squash as Big Daddy V takes on three jobbers in WWE’s version of ECW as they’re building up the former Mabel as a Monster Heel again! And finally, an epic pre-Dragon Gate match as Toryumon puts the UWA Trios Titles up for grabs in a massive match featuring New M2K vs. Do Fixer vs. Crazy Max vs. The Italian Connection! Come see all the weirdo lucha-esque spots, elaborate jumping sequences, YOSSINO’s sprinting, and comedy routines built up from months of house shows!

TOSHIAKI KAWADA vs. D’LO BROWN (w/ Taka Michinoku):
(All Japan, July 30th 2006)
* hahahaha EXCELLENT. I knew D’Lo left WWF and ended up in All Japan for a while, so this fits, but still… the iconic Attitude Era “rising midcarder” fighting one of the FOUR PILLARS? One some random house-show looking thing in Korakuen Hall. I love wrestling. D’Lo’s in a sharp red & black singlet coming down to DMX music. Kawada is at this point 43 years old and had stuck with his old promotion while nearly everyone else in AJPW started their own cooler promotion! With blackjack! And YakuzaImean hookers. D’Lo’s quite a bit bigger and more muscular than his squat opponent. Only Kawada gets ribbons from the fans. Don’t they know they’re lookin’ at the real deal now?

They slowly chain-wrestle to start, Kawada fighting D’Lo into a bow & arrow at one point, but nobody locks in anything big- fans are silent as D’Lo hits a chop out of a corner break. Man, Kawada never did get his upper teeth fixed- what DID knock those out? They trade stiff chops & elbows, Kawada suckering him with a spinkick, but D’Lo fires back on the floor. They mess around out there and D’Lo gets booted off the apron and over the railing- haha, I love how Japanese fans adore that shit- everyone’s laughing their asses off in the crowd as D’Lo shoves them back. Kawada works D’Lo over in the ring, including a slow version of his repeater face-kicks, but D’Lo keeps powering up, pokes the eyes, and lariats him. D’Lo gets a corner lariat and one while Kawada’s seated as Korakuen is still mostly dead silent and the pace very “house-showy”.

D’Lo can’t get his spinning indie uranage but squats to avoid Kawada’s backdrop, gets one of his own, then does Kawada’s Stretch Plum! He stretches him for a bit before releasing, but Kawada resists a German and hits the jumping high kick counter, then a running face kick and the real Stretch Plum, sold like a resthold by D’Lo. Kawada throws kicks and his chop/kick series, but D’Lo blocks a kick, hurting his hand in the process. Kawada then counters a lariat with a kick to that same spot, does his jumping high kick, then a brainbuster gets two. D’Lo fires off a shot, but badly loses a strike war, gets kicked into a seated position, and Kawada hits a swipe-kick to the side of his head and casually sits on him for the pin at (10:59), winning handily. Taiyo Kea comes out to stare down Kawada and check on his stable-mate afterwards.

Man, this was SLACK. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but seeing them start slow, go slow in the middle, then END slow made me figure it was a house show equivalent (despite… being televised). It was stiff, but dreary- not quite the “deliberate” way All Japan often did it. No big callbacks, big personalities or any of that- just D’Lo throwing stuff until he started to lose and then Kawada eventually beat him down for the easy pin. Total midcarder bout.

Rating: ** (not really a DISAPPOINTMENT given it’s “2006 D’Lo”, but just a slack, low-effort match)

GIANT SILVA vs. J.R. RYDER:
(WWF Super Astros, 1999)
* WOO, I FOUND IT! The one of two televised Giant Silva singles matches on WWF TV! But it’s Super Astros! J.R. Ryder is…. some guy. He’s an East Coast wrestler, and a white guy so impossibly generic I can picture his midcard ECW push even now (the “Simon Diamond/Chris Chetti Division”). He’s in black tights, going up against Silva, who’s wearing big baggy pants and a black tank-top, doing a “dance” to the fans. Super Astros is WWF’s Latino-centric program, and has Max Mini dressed like Zorro on the announce table.

Ryder knows his “how to job against a Giant”, as he immediately tries lockups and gets “tossed” away by his huge opponent. He complains of hairpulling and tights-pulling, but throws some shots and tries an IRISH WHIP, but Silva “reverses” it (holy shit this dude is so ungainly he can’t even TURN AROUND right; just skipping a bit to the side) and hits a soft clothesline, Ryder doing a backroll on the landing to try and look like he “flipped” (it looks weird). Silva with a slam, headbutt and overhand chest-shot, taking his time between moves, then the Nash Choke. He gets eyeraked and takes a ton of strikes from Ryder, doing a little “shiver” on impact to try and sell, but catches a punch (Ryder is good enough to scream in pain from the grip-strength), whips him off the ropes, missing a clothesline but hitting a Chokeslam for a casual pin at (2:47). Ooh man his finisher was a CHOKESLAM? No wonder he was gone once the Big Show came in. Max Mini comes in to celebrate with him and we’re out.

Yeah, dreadful squash. When you can’t even do basic things like reverse and Irish whip or believably knock a dude down with overhand shots at 7’2″, you don’t belong in the wrestling business. Ryder had to basically wrestle himself, and even he’s not that good, because he’s not bumping that well.

Rating: DUD (AWFUL)

This week, in “WCW Guys You Forgot Existed!”.

BOOKER T vs. BOBBY DUNCUM, JR.:
(WCW Saturday Night, Jan. 23rd, 1999)
* Bobby Duncum, Jr. remains one of the most inexplicable late ’90s hires ever. A guy nobody knows, sired by a father nobody knows, and he’s randomly hired by WCW at the height of the Monday Night Wars and pushed into a feud with TV Champ Chris Jericho, then abruptly forgotten as he completely fails to get over in any way, shape or form, and then joins the West Texas Rednecks and is eventually forgotten. He’s just a big, tall guy with a blonde mullet and black trunks, with a Western gimmick & theme song. And now he’s just there being fed to Booker T.

Things start with lockups & shoving while Tenay & Hudson only want to talk about Norman Smiley (“eh-normahn eh-smil-ay” at the time), Booker winning an International with his swinging kick. Duncum bails, quickly taking a big forearm and lariat when he reenters as Hudson pronounces Bobby’s name like “Dun Cum” and Tenay asks him if he’s ordered “Sal-mon” and eggs. He keeps digging on pronunciation, surprised Hudson can get Smiley’s name right. Booker keeps stopping mini-comebacks, but puts on the brakes and gets booted over the top. Booker takes a beating outside and a flying clothesline for two, then counters a resthold to another forearm but gets beaten down again. A Vader Bomb elbow gets two and they trade cradles as this is kinda just dull and obviously a backdrop to commentary stuff about the never-ending WCW Tag Team Tournament of 1999 (double-elimination! No brackets! No actual booking! Just random shitty matches with Duncum, Mike Enos & Jerry Flynn!). Duncum now does the single worst Flying Nothing spot I’ve ever seen, flying straight down into a standing position with his head down so Booker can boot him. They get caught up in the ropes as they seem to be unable to proceed, but finally set up Duncum eating a kick into the Ax Kick. Duncum fires back AGAIN, but Booker backdrops him into his extra-rotation spinebuster. Flapjack, Harlem Side Kick and… nope- Duncum crotches him on the top rope trying a Heat Seeker, but Booker flings him off trying a superplex and that missile dropkick hits at (7:53).

Very poor, meandering TV match. They were probably told to kill time so commentary could discuss some of the angles going on so I can’t really blame them, but Duncum in particular was a blank nobody (something that constantly hurt him- he wrestled like he had the match laid out in his head and just went from A to B to C with nothing to it because he didn’t wanna get distracted by things like “work to the fans”). There was little flow, as Booker would hit a single move to come back and then be gobbled up for the 90th time- I’ve seen similar things in matches where a guy tries to fuck up the push of the other but I don’t think that’s the case here- it’s just how they fill time and try to “keep things interesting”. Booker had no energy to his comebacks and only did simple taunts to the fans to get them into it.

Rating: 3/4* (ugh- just boring)

Truly one of the most horrifying visages in wrestling history.

BIG DADDY V vs. JEFF MICHAELS, BRANDON GATSON & JOHN MASON:
(WWE ECW, July 31st 2007)
* Oh my god YES. Big Daddy V’s bizarre ECW run as a Monster Heel continues as he moves on from a 2-on-1 Handicap Match to THREE-on-1, the way Andre used to do! These guys are perfect dweebs, too- all kinda in shape but so skinny and short compared to him. Based off of who pumps their fists during which name’s announcement, Jeff is wearing long blue tights, Gatson black shorts, and Mason black shorts with white writing, and is a bit bigger than the other two. I refuse to check Google to confirm.

Big Daddy V effortlessly weathers the storm of wimpy jobber-punches and batters all three guys around, then press-slams Michaels onto Gatson. Mason throws a punch but gets caught in the nastiest headlock ever, BDV just WRENCHING him over in a takeover that somehow looks finisher-tier. Gatson writhes in agony off an overhand chop and Samoan drop- haha, give this man a raise! V hoists Michaels up by his hips and splatters him with the mother of all back bumps, then throws Gatson into Mason and… YES, a STACKER AVALANCHE! All three guys in the corner and SPLAT! Each guy stumbles out one-by-one all dead, getting dropped as they do- Gatson has a great “drunk walk” tripping into V, who just slams him on Michaels’s body, and then oh god- he BOSS MAN SLAMS Mason’s body onto the other two! Jesus Christ! He does his “V” hand-signal while pinning their remains at (1:40).

I love utterly destructive squashes. Especially stuff like this- V actually varies up his offense, never repeating the same move despite having ample opportunity. So these hapless dicks just get whipped around, twisted up, crushed, battered, etc. Amazing physical abuse. Remember folks, if god loved those guys, he wouldn’t have made them jobbers.

Rating: 1/2* (god-tier as far as destructive one-sided squashes go)

FOUR-WAY MATCH:
UWA TRIOS TITLES:
NEW M2K (Masaaki Mochizuki, Dragon Kid & Kenichiro Arai) vs. CRAZY MAX (CIMA, SUWA & Don Fujii) vs. DO FIXER (Magnum Tokyo, Susumu Yokosuka & Genki Horiguchi) vs. THE ITALIAN COLLECTION (Milano Collection A.T., YOSSINO & Kondotti Shuji):
(Toryumon, Aug. 30th 2003)
* haha, oh man. This is said to be a MOVEZ Paradise, and I have no hope in the world of following this as I don’t know half of these guys and there’s four teams of three, but I decided to brave it! I remember some from the last big Dragon Gate match I reviewed (the famous 10-man). Mochizuki’s in baggy grey pants and is the leader, Dragon Kid’s a tiny version of Ultimo Dragon with the early 2000s’ most notable MOVEZ stuff and Arai’s in red tights. Crazy Max is all in black- CIMA’s a big deal and I’m fairly familiar with him, and is in shorts, SUWA’s a recurring partner and a bit bulkier, and Fujii’s a generic-looking stocky guy in black tights (which actually stands out with all these pretty boys- he looks like a 1980s All Japan guy). Do Fixer’s all in black, too, but keeping their t-shirts on- Tokyo was a deal in “Toryumon 2 Project” and did some WCW stuff as Disco & Alex Wright’s trainee, Yokosuka’s a standard-looking guy & Genki’s now a twitchy comedy-type in black & yellow (in the flippiest federation ever, his finisher is a BACKSLIDE. I love him). Milano’s another T2P guy with a specialty in weird submissions and has an “Italian fashion model with an invisible dog” gimmick and white trunks, Yossino’s a ludicrously ripped really fast guy, and Shuji’s a muscular guy in white with lots of Italian-themed tassels. So THREE way Trios matches had been a Toryumon (the future Dragon Gate) trademark at this point, but this is the first FOUR-way one. There are a LOT of women in the crowd compared to most wrestling shows- looking at the tummies present in this match, I can see why.

The four-leaders start us off after Genki tries to start first, and they immediately fly like lightning, Magnum avoiding a triple-dropkick but Milano & CIMA doing their classic ultra-precise rope-running but CIMA gets monkey-flipped into a dropkick and flings back into a sunset flip for two. Everyone bails and SUWA sneaks in, but starts taking stuff, then Shuji & Susumu run into each other trying to nail Dragon Kid, who spins around one of them only to be passed right onto the other and headscissor him- Susumi does the same move to Shuji, then eggs on the slower SUWA to try it and he gets slammed down. DK flips over both guys when they catch him, and then YOSSINO’s in to to his trademark spot- the “ultra-fast rope-running” (seriously, it’s INSANE), dropkicking him and Arai adds a headbutt to the dong. They do comedy spots with Genki’s hair, then everyone poses after a “they’re equals” spot, and then it’s a wild brawl outside the ring with everyone. And then NINE GUYS decide CIMA’s such an asshole they decide to avalanche him in the corner one-by-one… but he charges out after the second shot and instead everyone runs the train on Magnum, then Genki stops the last guy and everyone keeps trading off and flying around in a mass clusterfuck of bodies reversing charges. Genki of course finds the simplest solution and just trips Fujii to stop the whole thing and poses, ending the spot at its peak.

Wisely, they slow it down, as Fujii demands stronger chops, eventually taking them from all three of Do Fixer… Magnum finally making him sell. He swats them all back, gets swatted in return, then demands *M2K* come in and the same thing happens, and he shops all SIX guys, gets chopped six more times, then calls in the Italians for the same! He even no-sells all nine guys chopping him, but a nine-man (nonuple- look it up!) dropkick brings him down. See, now that’s a good use of comedy, especially with his stablemates just standing there and refusing to tag out and help him, and then demanding an ovation for him. Magnum works over YOSSINO and preps a delayed suplex, and Shuji… pulls in Dragon Kid for another, then Fujii hoists Genki… but gets rolled up for two, and FINALLY the suplexes land, Shuji doing reps on DK but gets his own partner suplexed onto him. CIMA puts a modified figure-four on Genki and ends up on the bottom of a four-man sleeper chain, but orders SUWA to put a cross-armbreaker on Genki instead of helping, then Susumu puts on on SUWA, then Arai & Shuji join the chain of armbreakers, then Genki’s other arm gets taken up with another three-man chain, then Milano walks around trying to decide who to armbreak… and just sentons poor Genki to break the whole thing. Ah, comedy lucha.

Genki is rightly selling that as death, doing his comedy ghoul antics and gets whomped by CIMA, then Magnum grabs a plastic toy (a Pico Pico hammer) and starts bopping guys with it, and then six separate guys sunset flip people, leading to a double-handed count and six kickouts. Crazy Max ducks M2K’s clotheslines and it’s three backdrop suplexes, then Do Fixer try it on the Italian Connection and end up in triple submissions. And then Vantezzia the Mini-Gorilla (okay I regret not googling this ahead of time) interferes- thankfully it’s explained that he was originally YOSSINO’s pet from the jungle in Italy (??) and lost a custody battle to Do Fixer- well now I’m all caught up. And ohhhhhhh here’s that “multi-person suplex attempt” thing where more and more people join a double-suplex until seven guys suplex six guys to end it (Magnum called in a buddy to cheat). Four-man criss-cross into quadruple topes! Four guys throw chops on each other’s tits, and then Shuji gets triple-teamed, only for two to team up on Susumu and nail him. M2K triple-teams Susumu, and an X-Factor/Jaw-jacker from Arai into Mochizuki’s spinning brainbuster gets two. Dragon Kid hits a slingshot flipping stunner onto YOSSINO that isn’t sold and SUWA absolutely TRUCKS them with a dropkick, but Mochizuki sets up Arai’s flying headbutt on him for two. Tiger Suplex from Arai- Fujii saves his partner. Springboard Rana from Dragon Kid- CIMA saves, and stumbles DK so he ends up in the Triple F (pedigree) from SUWA, and that gets the pin (18:26)! The champions are dethroned!

SUWA is still beaten down, so Genki nearly gets the Backslide From Heaven, but it’s stopped by Fujii, who then powerslams YOSSINO and powerbombs Genki. CIMA calls for a double-team with Shuji- it’s explained that he betrayed him doing that spot earlier in the month, so now Shuji’s wise and stops that, but CIMA instead waits for him to lift Genki for the Superbomb and THEN palm-thrusts him, causing Genki to get the Iconoclasm (CIMA’s finisher- an inverted flipping razor’s edge) into SUWA’s flying elbow- the Italians save their partner. CIMA & Milano go, CIMA jacknifing him to get out of a submission, but on the kickout he gets brained by Genki’s missile kick- Genki poses and goes for the Beach Break (yeah Orange got that from him), but CIMA uses his own Backslide for two! Shuji nails Crazy Max with charging attacks but takes Fujii’s twin lariats, YOSSINO sling-blades Fujii, then SUWA splats YOSSINO, Susumu missile kicks SUWA, Milano tornado stunners Susumu, CIMA backdrop drivers Milano, CIMA & Susumu collide, and that lets Genki hit the Backslide From Heaven on CIMA… for the pin (21:18)! Crazy Max is gone!

Just Do Fixer & Italian Connection now. Milano refuses cheating from his side and ends up eating a running powerbomb and Magnum throws on a NASTY-ass STF with an arm trapped with the bent leg, broken up by YOSSINO, who eats two big clotheslines from Susumu- Shuji Germans him but clotheslines Milano by mistake, then Genki hits a tope con hilo on him, and Magnum tries the Erect Smash (starts off like a cross-armed Rock Bottom) on Milano, and settles for the .44 (arm-trap DDT) for two. Magnum does his new finisher, a spinning kick to a downed opponent, for two (see, he pantomimed a belt around his waist on the pin, thus ensuring a kickout). Magnum tries to end it with the Egoist Driver (starts with a pumphandle) but spins up Milano right into the A.T. Lock! A headscissors with a hammerlocked arm! Do Fixer is held back so Magnum writhes, writhes… fights up… and gets slammed back down and has to tap at (25:35). The Italian Connection are the new Trios Champs!

Man, I was NOT expecting this kinda match. I was thinking it was like that 2006 ROH “MOVEZ/Spotfest” paradise and instead got a ton of comedy spots and “send the fans home happy” goofy multi-man spots, with only a couple surges of “everyone does choreographed moves at once” or “everyone gets hit in succession”. There was a BIT of move BeamSpam, but often interspersed with huge things like Fujii’s long bit, a 7-on-6 suplex and all sorts of goofy shit involving run-ins and comedy spots… and then 20 minutes in they get “serious” and it becomes closer to what I was expecting, after the champs are already gone.

This felt like the manifestation of months of house show matches against each other, as these guys were pulling off intricate comedy spots, multi-man team attempts, submission chains and more. Like, there is NO WAY they called that shit in the ring, as these were way too precise, and the English commentary even called out how some were standard spots in Trios matches (like Fujii’s “chop everyone then demand to be chopped” thing), just upgraded to include twelve guys. The crazed multi-man spots and intricate sequences I was expecting weren’t actually there so much, though you still saw 3-4 guys in the ring at once, and one counter setting up another move from another guy, so you know it had to be booked pretty tight. I just have a hard time equating matches with so much comedy in them with star-ratings- it’s not my thing, especially in a grudge title match (one where the champs barely got to show their stuff), but it’s crowd-pleasing stuff and is over, so ????.

Rating: ***3/4 (crazy fun in parts, has some great offense, the comedy is fine if kinda weird in a title bout, but it’s a masterpiece of choreography- I assume this is someone’s ***** GOAT and I’ve enraged them, but c’est la vie, haha)