Cactus Jack vs. Andre the Giant (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! Today, I have the wildest thing I’ve found in ages- a match featuring Cactus Jack against ANDRE THE GIANT!! And even weirder, it’s a tag match featuring Mighty Inoue teaming with Andre, and the future King Kong (of the Colossal Kongs) teaming with Cactus as “Texas Terminator Hoss”! I love wrestling!

Next up, it’s the atrocity of The Oddities (Kurrgan & Golga) vs. The Disciples of Apocalypse (Skull & 8-Ball) vs. Too Much! Yes, not even “Too Cool” yet- it’s just a collection of the three most bottom-tier tag teams in the division made to fill 7 minutes of screen time on WWF Shotgun. Then it’s more Sick Boy, as he takes on ex-Flock member Perry Saturn on WCW Saturday Night! More Saturday Night as “Above Average” Mike Sanders shows up in his early days against muscular JTTS (and former Kevin Nash partner) Al Green! And finally, someone put a SOLO NASTY BOYS MATCH on TV, as Jerry Sags (as as BABYFACE!) takes on Beau Beverly! Read on!

ANDRE THE GIANT & MIGHTY INOUE vs. CACTUS JACK & TEXAS TERMINATOR HOSS:
(All Japan, April 15th 1991)
* Yes, ANDRE THE GIANT vs. CACTUS JACK. It really happened! Twice, apparently, as Cactus was then a travelling brawler going through as many companies as he could and teaming up with fellow gaijin Texas Terminator Hoss (one of the Kongs- King Kong, in fact). The duo fought Andre and Dory Funk once, and wrestled this match against Andre and Mighty Inoue, the latter an aging star in his 40s. Inoue’s in red trunks (and, at only 5’9″, absolutely dwarfed by everyone in the ring), Andre in a dark singlet, Cactus in a black top & probably animal-print tights, and Hoss is dressed with a blue cowboy hat, black vest, and a red & black singlet. This is taped from a house show, so it’s a single-camera, VERY fuzzy and with poor audio. But still! Andre vs. Cactus!

We get the “house show special” to start as Inoue armdrags and hammerlocks Cactus to show his technical superiority, and the larger gaijin brawls out of a grapple- the barely-mobile Hoss lumbers in and throws an overhand shot into a double-arm choke drop. A soft running powerslam gets two and he tags out- Cactus throws boots but runs into the post and IN COMES ANDRE. Cactus goes wobbly off a single punch, and a chop flings him all the way across the ring into the corner so Andre can lean on him with a choke and some feather-light palm shots. Cactus calls over his partner, but Hoss just runs into Cactus by mistake (man, house show cams REALLY make these shots look wimpy, lol), and it’s a patented Andre spot- the DOUBLE BATTERING RAM, squashing both guys with his shoulder, headbutting Hoss down, and flattening Cactus with another weak strike. Andre holds him for Inoue’s shots, and Inoue hits a chinlock and a variety of punches, then tosses him, but Cactus immediately makes a comeback on the floor, chucks Inoue into the railing, and pulls up the floor mats. Yes, it’s the patented “Cactus gets his piledriver reversed onto the concrete” bump, and Inoue beats Jack into the ring and hits a back body drop and a pair of sentons. Hoss runs in to break up the pin, so Inoue just tags in Andre, who lies in the corner and sticks up his boot for Cactus to be whipped into it by Inoue, then hits an ultra-soft falling elbow for the pin at (5:15).

Well, it was Cactus vs. Andre! But sadly it’s “House Show Andre” and it’s 1991 so he’s just gonna do some signature spots and send the fans home happy, as he can barely go. It was fun seeing Cactus just pinball around for him (pretty much what all smart workers did with Andre- hit him with everything you have, then act like his every move came out of a cannon). Hoss was comically useless in there, barely in the ring at all due to his inexperience/suckiness, so the vets had to handle everything. The stationary camera did the light wrestling NO favors, as you could see everyone doing moves that would struggle to dent a pillow (check Hoss, who weighs 500 pounds but ever-so-delicately strolls up to Cactus and leans on him with a shoulder), and Andre’s finish by this point was just to flop sideways onto a guy as lightly as he could still manage. But hey- Cactus vs. Andre!

Rating: * (very weak, short match full of light contact- the house show special)

“Everyone was doing something” under Russo’s writing, for sure… but who even remembers what it was these guys even DID?

TRIPLE THREAT MATCH:
THE ODDITIES (Kurrgan & Golga, w/ Giant Silva & George “The Animal” Steele) vs. THE DISCIPLES OF APOCALYPSE (Skull & 8-Ball) vs. TOO MUCH (Brian Christopher & Scott Taylor):
(WWF Shotgun, Jan. 23rd 1999)
* Oh god what fucking sadist was booking Shotgun in 1999? Who puts the Oddities AGAINST the DOA? The Oddities were a random batch of ugly guys who were initially the Jackyl’s minions in a creepy “freakshow” thing but just turned into funny wacky babyfaces at the absolute bottom of the card despite two of them being seven feet tall. Kurrgan & Silva were so bad that they couldn’t find any promotion in wrestling willing to push them, even at that height. At least Golga (John Tenta under a lumpy mask and lots of Cartman gear, as South Park was a new fad twenty four years ago oh my god i am so fucking old) can work, though he’s past his prime by this point even though he’s in his mid-30s. Too Much (in matching orange and doing dweeby dances) are obviously here to carry the in-ring. Yet somehow the worst atrocity this match is capable of pales in comparison to Kevin Kelly’s attempt at a goatee.

I mean what the fuck.

Taylor, freshly back from a knee injury, demonstrates Kurrgan’s size by failing to budge him and whining about it, then actually appearing to whimper and whine during a side slam- good heelin’. Christopher comes in and bumps himself trying a headbutt, then Kurrgan whips the pair of them into the corner and avalanches them. Golga comes in, lifts his Cartman shirt, and avalanches them as well, sending the heels scrambling to the DOA corner. The distraction lets one clobber Golga from behind, but the lazy ass tags out after only 17 seconds to Christopher, who gets dumped on his ass trying a headlock (Christopher headlocking Tenta makes it look like a little kid wrestling his dad) and Kurrgan atomic drops him into Taylor, who dodges an elbow. Too Much brawls with Kurrgan and double-dropkicks him (Kurrgan showing he’s a monster unable to sell, as he barely stumbles but doesn’t even look defiant or anything), then slide-kick Steele on the floor. Steele doesn’t sell and just acts annoyed, smashing Taylor with the most weirdly loud chair (sounding like an aluminum baseball bat), resulting in him stumbling into Kurrgan’s Boss Man Slam (with an extra whirl) at (3:34).

Back from break with Kurrgan doing the Nash-choke on 8-Ball in the corner, but the twins do a switch and a fresh Skull slides in and waffles Golga in the balls. This brings in Giant Silva as the ref somehow misses the SEVEN-FOOT-TWO GUY right behind him (STEALTH GIANT), and he clotheslines Skull down. Humorously, Skull barely sells this and just sorta gets up to his feet and has to be snapmared down for the pin attempt. 8-Ball comes in and they double suplex Golga, but he quickly turns a corner whip to his advantage and hits an elbowdrop & running legdrop on Skull, then goes for the Earthquake Splash- 8-Ball trips him from the floor, bringing in Kurrgan for the 4-man brawl. Kurrgan gets double-clotheslined to the floor for a signature bump and DOA hits a double flapjack on Golga for the pin at (5:27 shown). Silva & Kurrgan attack and send the DOA running, and the Oddities dance to their theme (George hilariously being unable to eat the current turnbuckles and just having to throw it off).

Actually not nearly as bad as it could have been- whoever agented this knew most of these guys were crap and so A) put the bump machine comedy goobers in the first half and B) set up the back half full of simple stuff and keep Kurrgan the HELL OUT OF IT so it couldn’t be awful. Kurrgan is so bad he can’t even sell or bump properly (the most important skill for any monster is actually selling), and Golga, while clumsy (this seems to be Tenta deliberately playing him as a goof because he’s not this clumsy before or after this run), can still run basic things.

Rating: ** (inoffensive TV filler)

SATURN vs. SICK BOY (w/ Lodi):
(WCW Saturday Night, July 18th 1998)
* It’s more of Saturn vs. The Flock, as a bored/drugged-out Saturn slowly comes out on the C-show to take on Sick Boy, the youngster some of the boys were somewhat high on but WCW never bothered pushing. Sick Boy is now in a black sleeveless shirt and jorts- I do not remember him in anything other than the light version of Raven’s gear.

Sick Boy immediately takes advantage of Lodi’s distraction and hits a boomerang elbow for two, then goes into the Attitude Era Special (stomps, choking, punches) until Saturn hits an overhead double-arm suplex, then a lariat & some kicks. Lodi prevents a superplex and Saturn gets front-superplexed off so Sick Boy can hit a flying clothesline into a double-down (lol, the RAW sell- we’re one minute in). He beats on Saturn some more, and even hits the F5 of all things for two. Saturn with a small package, but Sick Boy quickly puts him down with a high knee, then a powerslam off the ropes gets two as I see Saturn calling stuff. They collide in the corner, but Sick Boy misses a boomerang legdrop and Saturn hits a release Tiger Suplex into the Death Valley Driver for the pin at (5:13). The Flock immediately pounces, but Saturn suddenly wrestles a millions times better against them- T-Bone suplex for Horace! Superkick for Lodi! Overhead belly-to-belly on Riggs! But Raven hits the ring and Saturn gets beaten down.

Watching this match, I can see why Sick Boy never made it (presuming he didn’t improve much from here)- having some interesting-looking moves is nice, but that can’t be your whole thing. He’s just kinda blankly going from move to move with no character or charisma. Never mind that it’s all lower rent versions of stuff the joshi scene was doing in Japan (this is more or less a Kyoko Inoue or Tomoko Watanabe “match of the hits” at points) or stuff Kanyon probably told him to do in the back (the F5 was a Kanyon thing). He’s just moving through this shit like a mannequin, head all down as if he’s concentrating on using all the moves he planned out. Not that Saturn was much better- he looked bored and was just letting Sick Boy get his shit in before the two-move comeback, Savage Template-style (he even had a bunch of mini-comebacks to cut off). Granted, it’s Saturday Night and one shouldn’t judge their entire ouvre offa that, but it’s an indication, is what I’m saying.

Rating: * (MEH- just going through the motions- zero intensity, character, or hate, especially considering Saturn’s in a blood feud with these dinks)

My god that man has a big head.

AL GREEN vs. MIKE SANDERS:
(WCW Saturday Night, Oct. 31st 1998)
* Oh man, this is weird. Mike Sanders, pre-“Above Average” as a generic Saturday Night goon only a month into his career. Man, he had a huge head- a very jobbery look with a weak physique at this point, and short green/blue trunks. Grizzled bear-man Green is already in the ring, wearing a hand-me-down Steiner singlet. Wait… Green was already in the ring? WHO’S THE JOBBER?!

They lock up and do an International to start and… wait, Green is shorter than Sanders? I thought Green was one of the big “Rick Fuller”-type dudes. Green puts Sanders down with a shoulderblock and they milk that for a while, then throws some knees in a lockup against the ropes, but ends up hiptossed and slammed while Sanders keeps doing this weird puffy -o- face. He follows Green to the floor and throws a bunch more shots, but ends up avalanched in the corner and Green does back-elbow spam into a short-arm clothesline for two. Sanders blocks a suplex and gets his own, then throws these hilariously wimpy European uppercuts (he stops right at the moment of impact! No follow-through!), then slams Green and goes up- a horrible springboard leads to Green dropping him like a sack of shit on a powerslam- haha that coulda gone smoother. Sanders ducks him twice but Green manages a pump kick, and finishes with a Double-Arm Takeover (Floatover?) Suplex at (3:11). Oh god, THAT’s his finisher? Oh, and I guess Sanders was the jobber.

This is maybe the most “Generic Opening Match” I’ve ever seen, with two guys just trading weaksauce offense for a couple minutes, doing wimpy shots or klutzy ones, Sanders being super-gawky and Green being clumsy and brutish. Only the most basic of reversals for the whole match and then Sanders tries a SPRINGBOARD of all things, with his weak jump being beaten only by how horrendously Green dropped him, looking both like a weak rollover instead of a slam but also like it probably hurt like hell (Sanders nailed his tailbone, probably). And what’s with a release butterfly suplex being Green’s finisher?

Rating: 1/2* (just a very weak back-and-forth nothingburger match- even the whole way but super basic)

JERRY SAGS vs. BEAU BEVERLY (w/ The Genius):
(WWF Wrestling Challenge, Nov. 22nd 1992)
* Oh my god they put THIS on free TV?! How were they ever in a down period? It’s a classic “battle of the tag guys” as one of the Beverly Brothers takes on the better worker of the Nasty Boys.

Sags taunts the Genius before the bell, so true to his name, the manager lures Sags into the corner with his back to Beau, who launches an attack. Beau throws some boots but leapfrogs him and eats a vicious clothesline onto his head and Sags charges out to chase the Genius and finally whips off his ring jacket. Genius runs all the way to the locker room, flailing his arms like a TREMENDOUS wussy, and Beau again pounces on Sags when he tries to get back in. Sags manages to reverse to a backdrop & a slam as the Genius skulks back to ringside. Beau manages to haul Sags to the floor, then beats on him on the apron, boots him to the floor, and hits a butterfly suplex for two. Flying double-axehandle (normally a reversal spot) gets two, and Sags immediately fights out of a sleeper but gets booted into a piledriver- man, Sags is getting his ASS kicked. Beau promptly follows with the Flying Nothing, though, eating boot- Sags follows with a facecrusher but gets pulled into the turnbuckle, only to counter a whip to a side suplex, and Sags goes up for the ugliest, sloppiest flying elbow you’ll ever see in your life for the pin at (4:39)- BEAUTIFUL. I love those hideous elbows the Nasties throw, haha. The Genius talks shit on the apron so finally gets his comeuppance as Sags pulls him in and gives the Pit Stop, dumping him so the Genius can end up on the floor on his head.

Shockingly decent match considering it’s two tag guys and one of them is a Nasty Boy, but Beau led the offense well and actually put it to Sags like nuts, throwing a flying axehandle and piledriver and stuff. Actually a little better than a lot of Blake’s matches (when he was the designated solo Beverly Brother), where Blake just did the same template and would set guys up by missing his headbutt.

Rating: **1/4 (yes, a JERRY SAGS solo match above **. Screw it, haha)