I mean… it LOOKS cool! Maybe it won’t be so bad!
ANATOMY OF A DISASTER: THE DOOMSDAY CAGE!:
-hahaha yes, IT’S TIME! Reading about this in WCW Magazine way back in 1996, I was like “Wow, THREE CAGES!? Fighting off eight dudes in separate cages, fighting your way to the bottom? This sounds AWESOME!”. And I learn years later that this was an infamous disaster and is sometimes credited with the end of Babyface Hogan in WCW. And also that Jeep Swenson was called “The Final Solution” until someone wised up in the company. Overall, it stands as Peak Hogan Paranoia regarding his inability to ever look weak.
THE STAGE: WCW Uncensored (March 24th, 1996)
THE PERFORMERS:
Hulk Hogan & “Macho Man” Randy Savage: Two of the biggest stars in wrestling history, having the phenomenal “Mega Powers” feud around WrestleMania V but mostly spent years apart in angles. But when Hogan went to WCW and had the entire company revolve around him, he brought in Savage (who was being put out to pasture by the WWF), who became his best buddy and opposition against Hogan’s rivals. Both guys are around 43, which was treated by the WWF at the time as them being completely ancient, despite being only a little older than me.
*deep breath*
Ric Flair: Turned heel again and quickly jobbed the WCW Title to Hogan, then led the opposition against him as the top heel. But got his ass kicked A LOT.
Arn Anderson: Flair’s best buddy IRL and in wrestling, used as his #2 guy. Career upper-midcarder.
Lex Luger: One of WCW’s biggest homegrown stars, but in a questionable position as he’d been a “New Hogan”-type dude who bounced from heel to face constantly, and now the real Hogan was here. Got hired on as a big coup by Eric Bischoff. Now a heel.
The Taskmaster: Kevin Sullivan, a typical “Short Pot-Bellied Southerner” wrestler (OKAY HE’S FROM BOSTON SHUT UP- he looks the type!), coming from the indies into a position of booking power, and quickly formed “The Dungeon of Doom” as an army of Jobbers To The Stars for Hogan to knock off. Wisely keeping his job by feeding Hogan a never-ending line of dorks, mostly WWF relics from the late ’80s and early ’90s who were no longer much worth pushing.
Meng: A former WWF JTTS, now bigger and doughier, but actually given a push taking advantage of his real-life toughness.
The Barbarian: Another JTTS- a big dude with no promo skills, and had failed when pushed at a higher level. Now just a Taskmaster goon.
Z-Gangsta: ZEUS of all people was brought out of the mothballs, reliving one of Hogan’s worst feuds of the ’80s. He wasn’t around very long. Like, this is his only match in WCW.
The Ultimate Solution: Actually called “The Final Solution” until someone with knowledge of WWII history was like “dude, THE FUCK?”. Indie wrestler/powerlifting nobody Jeep Swenson, most famous for playing Bane in the Clooney “Batman” movie and dying the next year. Just a Dungeon goon.
So when Hogan was signed, WCW was quickly remade in his image, copying the “Hogan Era” WWF to the point it looked like WWF 2.0- established WCW guys like Steve Austin, Johnny B. Badd, etc. fell by the wayside and a lot of JTTS dudes from WWF were brought in as Hogan jobbers. At this point, Hogan’s selfishness was maybe the most immense in wrestling history. There were guys who beat all comers and trashed opponents before and after him, but not like THIS- Hogan was at this point where he was afraid to even look the slightest bit vulnerable, so he was crushing threats even in the build-up to shows. Back in his WWF peak, he’d at least do a huge injury sell against King Kong Bundy or Earthquake or something, but by this point he was beating guys up immediately upon their debut.
Case in point, Hogan is taking one dude with him to fight EIGHT FRICKIN’ GUYS at once.
The rules are simple and were totally explained by WCW beforehand. *checks notes* oh, wait. So Hogan & Savage are fighting in a TRIPLE-DECKER Cage (something the NWA had tried in the 1980s with little success), fighting first in the top level, then a middle cage (separated into two rooms via a small door, then fight down to the bottom cage, with different guys in each cage. They must “survive” each cage, thus eliminating the opponents (remember that). Unlike past examples I’ve seen, the top cage isn’t tiny- they’re all equal in width, though the top two are quite short, with a big central post for stability. At in an un-WCW-like move, they actually have proper scaffolding around everything so wrestlers and cameramen can get up there. I was legit expecting them to shoot it from the ground, Because WCW.
THE DOOMSDAY CAGE:
THE MEGA-POWERS- Hulk Hogan & “Macho Man” Randy Savage vs. THE ALLIANCE TO END HULKAMANIA- Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Meng, The Barbarian, Lex Luger, The Taskmaster, Z-Gangsta & The Ultimate Solution (w/ Woman, Miss Elizabeth & Jimmy Hart):
* So immediately this is nonsense, as Hogan & Savage are fighting in a cage miles above everything- at least 25-30 feet. I can’t imagine the fans in the arena could see shit… and then I realize THEY HAVEN’T TURNED THE LIGHTS ON so the entire thing is dark an illuminated only by distant, flickering pink lighting. Ah, THAT’S the WCW I know and love! At least it looks cool- it’s an impressive sight to see. Flair at least is flanked by two top-tier ladies, making him look like a star, flabby and aging as he is. Arn is hilariously dressed like your dad on a weekend- just black sweats. Taskmaster is a doughy midget in yellow trunks. Everyone else is in black. Brian Pillman is conspicuous by his absence- the Horseman was having an issue with Sullivan. Z-Gangsta & Solution do not arrive at first. Oh, and Michael Buffer declares Hogan/Savage “The Mega-Force”.
Cage One (Arn & Flair): Hogan immediately eats Arn alive while Flair & Savage scrap. Everyone gets run into the chain-link (even though THAT DOESN’T HURT). The cameraman zooms in on Flair/Savage at the worst possible angle to make it clear Savage didn’t get within a foot of the post. Quickly, it starts looking like the “Lazy Lean” portion of Royal Rumbles where everyone’s just throwing axehandles and leaning on each other. Hogan Hulks Up after a chop and the fans actually react enough to show they saw it, but quickly get silent when the fight hits the middle of the cage (which no one can seen from this angle). Flair goes into the post a bunch, but just kicks Hogan to come back. Awful transitions see Arn flat on his back due to Hogan, but a single punch to the knee has him reeling and Arn puts on the single worst Figure-Four I’ve ever seen in my life. Flair does his own to Savage and they lie like that until both are reversed, but Flair escapes and drops a spoon down to a lower level (I can’t wait for them to explain that!), and Hogan and Savage dump a week’s supply of their cocaine around! Oh, it’s powder, never mind. They hit the heels in the second cage as well as the top one and open the trap door to escape! No, the announcers didn’t mention a trap door ahead of time.
Cage Two (Meng, Barbarian, Taskmaster, Luger): Macho gets mauled by three heels but Hogan comes to his rescue, and Jimmy tosses Taskmaster the spoon (continuity!), but Hogan immediately gobbles him up by wrapping a chain around his fist so we never see the spoon again. Hogan keeps trying to cut off comebacks but Luger manages to get the chain and punch him with it while Savage ducks a Barbarian clothesline so Meng takes it. But he makes the mistake of ramming their heads together and you know how THAT goes. But Hogan saves him from an Assisted Powerbomb and pulls Savage into the Task/Luger room and locks the door using the chain to keep the Faces of Fear out (handily able to overpower both Meng & Barbarian solo). Arn comes down to help them and I can STILL hear Luger’s wails of pain all those miles away, haha. Sullivan just walks out of the cage (WHY CAN YOU DO THAT?) and teases going off the scaffolding in a fatal bump, Heenan putting it over, but Taskmaster sacks Hogan to stop it. Savage & Luger just do punchery while Hogan & Tasky climb down another level.
Finally all four guys are on the arena floor (though fans in 1/2 of the arena still can’t see past the cage) and go to ringside (oh the cage is built AWAY from the ring- I was wondering how they’d get that structure up live). Hogan takes Buffer’s microphone and nails Sullivan and hits the Big Boot and beats him to a pulp before dumping him and heading back to the cage to save Savage from Luger. Luger gets hit with either a sandbag or toolbag but Taskmaster just comes back on Savage. But he just puts a plank of wood down and walks away, so Savage charges him from behind with it. Hogan & Luger now fight in the ring, Luger hilariously taking a clothesline and wobbling so Hogan can literally blow air at him to knock him down. Okay, that’s pretty great. But Taskmaster handily comes back on Savage and hits a Flair Uppercut on Hogan to bring him down. Hogan chairshots Luger, but Luger chairs both Mega-Powers. Savage gets crotched on the railing and clotheslined in a solid bit but Hogan makes his 97th comeback and Savage trips Tasky and is right back on him.
Cage Three/Floor (Z-Gangsta, Ultimate Solution): And now, FINALLY, out come the two most useless (but the physically biggest) of the heels. Solution’s got the Pregnant Powerlifter look with black eyepaint and Gangsta’s broad as hell. Z-Gangsta uses his most lethal move, GENTLY PUTTING HIS HANDS ON A MAN’S NECK, and Solution just grabs Hogan by the back of his neck and walks him back to the cage (thankfully now lit up right) while Hogan is apparently a kitten because he can’t do anything when held that way. Dusty Rhodes: “I see no fun in this!” I DISAGREE- bad wrestling is more fun to watch than boring wrestling! The heels and faces are in the cage as we get the big “stand off” pose with flexing heels and the crowd actually chants “Hogan! Hogan!”. But Hogan just gets launched back repeatedly by Solution while Z-Gangsta “chokes” Savage and does overhanded double-clubs while screaming. Sullivan pokes Savage with a stick, but this just prods him into a flying axehandle on Z-Gangsta while Solution no-sells Hogan punches and inverted atomic drops him.
Hogan goes to the eyes while Z-Gangsta still won’t go down and bearhugs Savage, but Hogan nails him and he no-sells for the dramatic “the fuck…?” sell from Hogan to get a chant going. Heenan: “Z-Gangster is watching Hogan with one eye… and he’s watching everyone else with the other!”. Z-Gangsta ignores another punch and LIGHTLY TOUCHES THE NECK~~ while Solution slams Savage. Hogan rakes the eyes to escape. Savage axehandles again but gets caught by Solution- Hogan saves him but NOW FLAIR & ANDERSON RETURN, because apparently they’re not eliminated after all. At least Arn is in trunks this time. The Mega-Force is done for as the commentators write them off, and we get a couple minutes of a slow beat-down until The Booty man (Brutus Beefcake) comes down, handing them FRYING PANS of all things while they dig in their tights for cocaine, dazing all the heels, who get blasted with gimmicked frying pans so they can just CRACK them. But now Luger comes out with a dreaded weighted glove, goes to hit Savage, who ducks… and Luger turns on Flair, stopping and punching him anyways! Hogan beats him up anyways and goes “let’s get outta here” to try and win, but Savage decides the rules are different- and then, in a match with pregnant-ass Kevin Sullivan and the Ultimate Solution- who isn’t appearing again- RIC FRIGGIN’ FLAIR takes the pin at (25:19).
TWENTY-FIVE MINUTES OF THIS BULLSHIT. Worst thing about this Cage Match is it’s just boring. Bad wrestling is at least funny, but it’s “punch a dude a lot until he punches you in the stomach and now it is you who is being punched”. Absolutely nothing was sold for more than five seconds, as the heels can’t get any heat because the faces come back on them in 20 seconds after chairshots and being crotched on a guardrail. The rules are also nonsensical- you just fight until you walk away and that’s it? They leave Flair & Arn lying and they’re eliminated? And then the Faces of Fear are done when the cage door gets locked on them. But then the remaining guys fight on the floor for eight minutes until the big guys walk out, and then Taskmaster & Luger are gone? And then Flair COMES BACK and eats the pin while we never see the FoF again? WHAT ARE THE RULES?
It was the worst kind of wrestling- no moves at all, just punches. Hogan & Savage had to go 25 minutes, so they obviously had to conserve all their cardio so you get all the lazy brawling back & forth. Guys like the Faces of Fear were only in the match for a few minutes before getting locked away. Endless back & forth with Luger & Taskmaster as the “meat” of the match, all to set up the big juicers vs. Hogan & Savage, which at least was able to pull off the “they have no chance” thing despite the heels having zero wrestling ability, just because they were so big and fresh. But then you have the inexplicable, hilarious ending of Flair & Arn returning to do some damage, but get powdered and beaten by frying pans, and FLAIR gets pinned, despite Hogan seeming to think that leaving the cage was how you won. Even though half the match was fought in the ring.
Rating: DUD (oh jesus christ, lol- an absolute eternity in length, full of lazy leaning and no selling and transitions)
The Fallout: I don’t think there was much of anything- Hogan farted around like this until diminishing returns and increasingly-hostile fans had him turn on WCW and join the nWo as its leader. Within 3.5 months, he was “Hollywood” Hulk Hogan and this was forgotten as anything but a shitty match. Z-Gangsta & Ultimate Solution were donezo from the company (this is actually their ONLY MATCH, near as I can tell). The Taskmaster’s feud with Hogan soon ended and he was wrestling the Four Horsemen by year’s end. It was more of an online legend after a point. Arn has talked about how stupid the match was, and how it ate up all these heels to lose 8 on 2- “if you think two babyfaces were made at the end of the day, then you’re not a wrestling fan”.
Mitigating Factors: Like heck! Everyone here was a years-long pro save like… Ultimate Solution. Worst you can say is the length of the match did nobody any favors.
Overall: Honestly, this was Hogan at Peak Selfish and someone should have at least talked him down from “Beating Eight People”. At least Savage got the win, but still. And make the rules more clear! The commentators were legitimately confused and were proven wrong at several points (a big no-no as it’s a HUGE signal that this was poorly-planned and nobody knew what was going on backstage), with guys just leaving cages and that being the end of it, even though at no point prior had anyone ever attempted to leave the cage. Like if Hogan & Savage were down, the heels should have made for the exits to “put over” that being the way to win. Instead Hogan & Savage just sorta wandered from place to place and housed the bad guys.
Not just beating eight guys (sure, he had help, but COME ON), but it going this self-indulgent 25 minutes, going from one duo of guys to the next. It’s dreadful. Aspects of the match are FUNNY, like all the nonsense about the rules and the ridiculous finish, but twenty-five minutes of all but the best matches is tiresome. This match is a legendary piece of wrestling garbage for a reason.