– We are promised the debut of Don Muraco today. No, don’t leave just yet!
EASTERN CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING
(HARDCORE TV #4)
APRIL 27, 1993
CURRENT CHAMPION ROLL CALL
ECW Heavyweight Champion: The Sandman
ECW Television Champion: Jimmy Snuka
ECW Tag Team Champions: The Super Destroyers
– Today’s show is “Presented in the most complete form possible, due to original production technical difficulties”. Oh joy. Jay Sulli and Stevie Wonderful are still at Cabrini College and someone forgets to turn their mics on. I can barely make out their preview of the show due to the fans chanting for Eddie Gilbert in the background. Stevie says the Suicide Blondes will debut today. Eddie takes the mic to continue his running down of Terry Funk. He tells Sulli how he beat Funk in an I Quit match even brought VHS tape footage. Edited handheld camcorder footage shows Gilbert beating him up and then Tod Gordon breaks in with A SPECIAL ECW ANNOUNCEMENT. Apparently Gilbert did NOT beat Funk, and that’s all we know for now.
– We now cut to a closeup of Hunter Q. Robbins III, wearing a leather jacket zipped all the way up to his jawline. He cracks a joke about Stetson and Winters looking like Bart and Homer Simpson. He has an envelope filled with 500 dollars, ironically, that’s probably a month’s worth of payoffs in ECW at the time. He will give them this money if they can beat the Super Destroyers.
$500 BOUNTY MATCH, ECW TAG TEAM TITLES
1. Larry Winters & Tony “Hitman” Stetson vs. The Super Destroyers (with Hunter Q. Robbins III)(C)
– Winters and SD#1 go criss-cross on the ropes to start. Winters with a quick roll up for 2 and tags in Stetson. Sulli asks Stevie who is who of the Destroyers and not even he cares. You can quote him on that. SD#2 back in and headbutts Stetson real low. SD#1 back in and punishes Stetson. SD’s illegally just trade places in and out. Somehow Winters is back in, no tag mind you. Figure four by Winters and SD#1 comes in with HQR3’s cane and nails Winters for the DQ @ 4:34. (Complete fucking mess of a tag match. DUD.) Post match, Winters just puts the figure four back on and they wash, rinse, repeat, until the Destroyers run off.
– Scheduled for Glen Osbourne vs. WILDMAN Sal Bellomo. Sal without Cosmic Commander here. Oh here’s Eddie Gilbert with an announcement. Sal just leaves the ring. Osbourne keeps interrupting Eddie and out walks Don Muraco with Jimmy Snuka. Now Osbourne leaves the ring. Now they just bring the whole party to the floor. Muraco possibly have put on a few extra pounds since the last time he was relevant. They leave and I’m kinda mad we don’t have the match promised.
– Now we have more promos, but we are in for a treat here! Chris Candido with the former Johnny Hotbody. Well it’s now Christopher Candido and JONATHAN Hotbody. Hotbody just cuts Candido off. They are the Suicide Blondes.
2. J.T. Smith & “Ironman” Tommy Cairo vs. The Suicide Blondes
– Blondes billed at “over 600 pounds, including their ego”. Hotbody pisses off the ref by throwing hair gel in his eyes pre match. Cairo and Hotbody to begin things. Candido in and feeds into a hiptoss also. Cairo brings Hotbody to his corner but doesn’t tag JT in. I guess he doesn’t want his tag match undefeated streak in jeopardy. Candido in, illegally, mind you. Is tagging in and out optional in ECW? Candido works a chinlock until he just lets go. He misses a dropkick, and just pops up so hot tags can be made around. JT must have messed up the corner spot, because they do it twice. Make that three times. Blondes on the outside walking around, Hotbody is blown up, so Candido decides to make himself the legal man. JT works Candido’s arm and tags Cairo in. Hotbody catches his wind and just runs in. I’m getting beside myself the ways these guys do tag matches. Fucking sandlot rules over here. Both Blondes end up back on the floor. Cairo gets tossed outside so Hotbody can Cactus elbow him on the floor. Cairo botches a ducked clothesline and somehow JT and Hotbody are legal now. No wait, JT and Candid…..fuck it. Hotbody with an illegal elbow to JT’s back give the Blondes the win @ 8:04. (Candido seems to be the only one with any idea that they are wrestling. D- for that.)
– More promo time with Muraco and Snuka who repeat the same exact thing they said at ringside earlier. Chalk up one “Bruddah’ for Superfly.
3. The Hell Riders vs. Don Muraco & Jimmy Snuka (with Eddie Gilbert)
– Muraco and Superfly attack before the bell. Sulli already asking again who is who in the Hell Riders. I’m guessing H.D. is in the ring. H.D. standing for Heavy Duty, maybe? Muraco misses a corner elbow and tags out to E.Z. Muraco just no-sells him and tags out. Snuka knocks him back into his own corner and H.D. says ”fuck that tagging back in”. Muraco tombstones him and Superfly Splash ends it @ 3:00. (God bless these guys trying to feed for the old timers. Still looked like hell. DUD.)
– Back in the locker room, Jay Sulli shows up what happened last week between Rockin’ Rebel, Peaches, SURFER Sandman, and Tigra. No idea why Sulli couldn’t throw this to us from ringside. Now we are joined in progress with…
ECW HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH
4. Rockin’ Rebel (with Tigra) vs. The Sandman (with Peaches) (C)
– Rebel working a side headlock as we welcomed to this non-hyped match. Sandman works the arm until Rebel clotheslines him down. Tigra takes two separate opportunities to claw the eyes of Sandman. The second one was uncomfortably long. Rebel runs into the knee on a corner charges. Sandman heads up top, wiggles his crotch towards Tigra, and hits sort of a missile dropkick on Rebel. He covers and Tigra breaks it up for the DQ @ 4:08. (If I bought a ticket knowing this would be the outcome, I might riot. DUD.) Post match, we get the tease of a cat fight. Stevie monotones “meow…..meow…..meow”. More like Peaches just holds Tigra in the corner. Sandman clears house by swinging his belt wildly.
– Now because we need filler, we get a 3 minute highlight video of the entire TV Title tournament. Two things I notice. Snuka is in better shape than guys much younger than him, and the ring must be very small because Snuka clears the whole fucking thing with his Superfly Splash.
– Back at ringside, Hunter Q. Robbins III, is with Jay Sulli. We get a return tag match for next for the ECW Tag Team Titles. HQR3 is so pissed he fucks up the whole interview and storms off. Sulli looks over heated and constipated all at the same time. Hit the end credits, we’re outta here.
– On paper, a strong card. On television, utter shit. When I can uncover the missing episode #5, which is becoming as hotly coveted as the Battle of Atlanta, I shall return.