BoD RAW

20th January 2015 by Scott Keith
Rants

This has nothing to do with the WWE

GM Bayless is out in the ring. He is by himself and has the mic:

“Tonight, we will have three qualifying matches for the BoD Rumble. And, I have added a stipulation to the BoD Tag Team Title Match that the losing team will be entered into the BoD Rumble. And, last but not least, I felt that the Job Mob have not been well represented in the BoD Rumble so I have added Big Dirty Murph to the match. And finally, the contract signing between Jobber123 and Abeyance will happen, tonight!!!”

The camera cuts backstage as Bill Ray is sitting in the back room, shooting whiskey and lazily tossing playing cards at the camera. His bat sits next to him. He finally finishes the whiskey straight from the bottle and slams it down onto the table. He picks up the bat, shrugs. “Remember, Stackhouse; everything I do to your little lieutenant tonight, every bone I break, every scream he utters, it’s only because you didn’t have courage to do your dirty work yourself.” He gets up to leave, and GM Bayless enters. “Get that camera outta here!” Bayless yells at the camera man before turning back to Bill Ray and speaking in low tones as we fade out. 



BoD Rumble Qualifying Match
Bobby vs. Kaptain Kiwi

After some mild showboating following a moral victory, Sir Tony Garea of Auckland came back to the states to make sure that his protege, Kaptain Kiwi, gets focused. Bobby starts off the match attacking Kiwi from behind. He then rams his shoulder against the post and goes to work on that arm as he hopes it is too injured to put him in the dreaded Garea Stretch, which is an abdominal stretch. Bobby, the true shooter of the BoD, applies a Fujiwara armbar. Garea would not be proud as he could not make it tonight as he is involved in a gigantic corporate meeting to bring Anchor Cheese stateside. Bobby uses an armbreaker then goes to the corner and rings his cowbell as the fans boo, or moo. Bobby then heads to the middle rope and tries to drop his knees on Kiwi’s arm but misses as both men are down. Kiwi gets up first and fires away! Jesus Christ! THE FIVE MOVES OF DOOM: jumping side headlock takeover, arm drag, crossbody, hip toss, and he PUTS ON THE GAREA STRETCH!!!!!!!!!! Bobby immediately taps as he had no way out of the hold. Kaptain Kiwi is headed to the BoD Rumble!!!!!

Robert Davis, the former Gosh Hopkins, is in the parking garage, smashing Jughead against a steel pole, causing sparks to fly as the rest of the Riverdale Covenant looks on in approval. Finally, he stops, sweating and smiling, looking quite insanely into the camera. “My master has promised me that I will be the one to end the career of Bayless – to make sure he never walks again. He has given me the tool (he slides Jughead up and down in his hands), and now he is giving me the test. Bill Ray, you refused the way to Riverdale one too many times – now, the price will be paid. I’m coming, Bayless. Don’t think you can stop me. And Bill Ray, my advice to you is to leave this arena as fast as you can. Because I will hurt you.” He turns to the rest of the Covenant, who gently place his Lettermen’s jacket on his shoulders, and they all shout together “WELCOME TO HELL. WELCOME TO RIVERDALE!”

And now a day in the life of Kensington Enteprises:

A giant stretch limo rolls up to a shopping plaza. Out comes Biff Kensington with his proteges: Curtzerker and Hoss, who is quite agitated as he steps out and sees a sign for “Orange Leaf” frozen yogurt. 


Hoss: (points at Orange Leaf) LET ME KILL THEM!!!!!! LET ME KILL THEM!!!!!!
Biff: Hoss, we need to focus now. I will buy you Ben and Jerry’s if you need it that badly.
Hoss: NO!!!!!! THEY PUT HEALTH FOOD ON FAKE ICE CREAM. I MUST DESTROY THEM!!!!!!
theberzerker: HUSS!!!!!!!!!! HUSS!!!!!!!!!!!!! HUSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  HUSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Biff: (To theberzerker) Good point. Lets go in boys. 
(They head into Orange Leaf)
Biff: (casually walks in) May I sample some of the lowfat plain yogurt
Zeke the FroYo Guy: Sure, bro. 
(As Zeke comes out from the door he immediately gets met by theberzerker who frightens him with his HUSS!!!! chants
theberzerker: (right in Zeke’s face) HUSS!!!!!!!! HUSS!!!!!!!!! HUSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zeke: (crying, then looks at Hoss) Please, make him stop. Please!!!!!!
Hoss: (calmly walks over and yells at theberzeker) STOP HUSSING!!!!!
theberzerker: HUSS!!!!!!!
Hoss: NO, NO HUSS!!!!!!!!!! HOSS SAYS NO HUSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
theberzerker:(confused) HUSS?
Hoss: (takes Zeke near the topping bar) WHAT IS THIS (points at kiwi, blueberry, and strawberries)
Zeke: (wimpering) Its fruit, bro?
Hoss:(angry, points at the frozen yogurt machines): WHAT IS THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
Zeke: (crying) frozen yogurt. 
Hoss: (so angry that steam comes from his ears) WHY DO YOU HAVE HEALTHFOOD TO PUT ON THE FAKE ICE CREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I MUST DESTROY YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
(Hoss then picks up Zeke and chokeslams him through the toppings table. Curtis Williams heads over and puts him in the crossface as theberzerker yells HUSS!!!!! into Zeke’s face as the camera zooms in before fading out. 

Backstage, Nick Piers and Magoonie are awaiting the arrival of Steve Ferrari, who is still covering the Greater Albany Medical Center 6th Floor Surgical Unit Connect Four Tournament. They look frustrated as yet again, they have to pay for the Toyota Yaris themselves. They are not too happy then the Tag Team Champions, the Upper Midcard Express, walk by and laugh at them as they point at their belts. Petuka then tells them if they can afford it they can visit them for a drink at the Marriott across the street, knowing that the poor midcard talent can only afford the Red Roof Inn without the WiFi.






BoD Rumble Qualifying Match
Strike Force vs. RIPSHIT KILLERS


Winners of this match will enter the BoD Rumble. According to Wade Michael Meltzer, Mar Solo has drank two carafes of coffee today and has been on a mission to find the strongest brew for the BoD Rumble. As usual, Mar pushes the Chrysler Lebaron by himself to the ring as his teammate, Matt Indeed, does some 80’s style fist pumping as he is surrounded by some broads. Anyway, Strike Force enters the ring as the RIPSHIT KILLERS go after them but they duck a double clothesline then come back with flying forearms! They are now high-stepping and do a leaping high five as their windbreakers remain on, just like their spirit. AAAARGH THE BARBARIAN gets in the ring as THE YETAAAAY is on the apron but gets hit with a double dropkick and collides with his partner and now Mar slingshots in Indeed for a splash and gets the win as Strike Force are in the BoD Rumble.






And now, its time for the BoD Rumble Song

Set to the beat of the AWA’s WrestleRock Rumble


JuvyDriver & SpicolliDriver


We are the Drivers
But the take the bus
To see a guy who drinks coffee
And another who yells “HUSS”
We are not here to cause any trouble
Just to eat some fine catering backstage at the BoD Rumble


Hoss

MY NAME IS HOSS AND I AM ENRAGED
ALL MY ICE CREAM IS MELTED
FROM A BROKEN FREEZER GAUGE
IF IT ISNT FIXED SOON
THEN YOUR ALL IN TROUBLE
PUT ME DOWN FOR 29 HOMICIDES AT THE BoD RUMBLE


Biscuit

From Robbinsdale
To the Trading Post
I’m the grittiest grappler
No need to showboat
I’m heading to the venue tomorrow
To sleep on some rubble
Need to toughen up
For the BoD Rumble


Jesse Baker

This isnt the WWE
You are in luck
Despite the GM saying no more sccenarios involving rapes
Brock Lesnar is still a lazy fuck
Next week I will shock you
And not get into trouble
The game will be changed forever
At the BoD Rumble








BoD Rumble Qualifying Match
PrimeTime Ten vs. Onita100


PrimeTime locks up with Onita then slaps him after breaking. Onita reverses an Irish whip and comes back with a shoulderblock. They engage in an Irish whip sequence that ends with Onita hitting a spin kick. PrimeTime ducks outside to collect himself but gets taken out by a pescado. Onita rolls PrimeTime back inside and heads up top but PrimeTime shakes the ropes to cut off Onita then climns up top and hits a superplex. PrimeTime then gets up and hits Onita with a double underhook brainbuster for the win. After the match, PrimeTime grabs the mic:

“I am the greatest Canadian in all of the BoD. Anyone else that tells you otherwise is wrong. I have returned to bring a sense of Canadian pride back to the BoD because no one else here is able too.”


Multi-Time Award Winning timekeeper, Mister E Mahn, peaks his head around several of his 93 trophies as he looks puzzled to what PrimeTime just said because after all, only one person here has won 3 timekeeping awards in Guatemala.

Since leaving the BoD after being cheated out of his Writer’s Championship. Stranger in the Alps has disappeared. One man, Laughing Sting, has been on a mission to bring him back home to the BoD so the belt can have some class, since “Marvelous” Matt Perri has been a disgraceful champion. Lets see how he is doing:

We have just received word that Marv Cresto and Art Vandelay have missed their flight due to watching “Its Always Sunny” on Netflix all night long and will have to make their debut next week instead.





A screaming, howling snowstorm SOMEWHERE. It’s blinding. It’s very cold. A shadowy figure turns around and sees that his dogsled team have deserted him. Miserable mangy mutts! The figure turns back to look ahead and sees……a very faint light in the distance. Almost like a candle in the wind. In fact, that song begins to play over the scene. It’s so fucking cold. What human being would choose to live in this place? An exceptional one, is the response from inside the figures head. The unknown figure takes one stiff, frozen step forward…..beginning his cold march to a redemption story that no one will have ever seen. A shivery voice:


This better be the right fucking place! LOL! Ouch! My frostbite is getting worse.”

We will check in to see the next chapter in this saga at the BoD Rumble. 

Robert Davis vs. Bill Ray


Robert Davis is out alone, pounding Jughead against the steel steps as he enters the ring. He twirls Jughead like a baton in the ring. And here comes Bill Ray! He’s sprinting down the aisle, bat in hand! Clash in the center of the ring – sparks fly as the bat and Jughead meet with a loud clang! And now here’s a gaggle of referees – here’s Rockstar Gary with a mic! “Hey. Hey! This match is NOT a no-holds-barred match! Put those things away and let’s have a wrestling match, damnit! This comes straight from GM Bayless!” At the mention of GM Bayless’ name, Robert Davis’ eyes go wide and he hits a no-hands plancha onto Rockstar Gary on the outside! Gary is out! And here’s Bill Ray from behind; there goes the bell and the match is on! Bill Ray throws Davis back into the ring, and here we go. Irish whip by Ray, reversal, drop toehold by Davis. Davis wraps up the leg and stomps it into the mat. Again! Bill Ray staggers to his feet, Davis off the ropes – big lariat! Ray down again. Elbowdrop by Davis. Another. Another. BIIIGG Luger elbow misses! Ray to his feet, he grabs a front facelock – suplex! Ray whips Davis to the corner and charges, Davis kicks him in the knee! Ray goes down, Davis to the top. HIGH crossbody! 1,2, No! Davis picks up Ray, Irish whip off the ropes, set up for the BIIIGGG back body drop – Bill Ray with the kick to the face! Davis’ head snaps back, kick to the gut for Ray, DDT by Bill Ray! 1,2, No! Bill Ray is loading up Davis for the Brainbuster – hits it! 1,2, No! Bill Ray celebrates as though he’s won, he grabs the referee when he finds out it’s only 2, and here’s Davis from behind – knee to the small of the back! Bill Ray sandwiches the referee in the corner. He’s out! Davis grabs Bill Ray and loads up the spinning neckbreaker! Hits it! He’s going to the top for the Shooting Davis Press! He calls for it…..but the BOD Tron flickers to life! It’s GM Bayless. “Hey there, Gosh Hopkins! Or is it….Robert Davis? I really can’t keep up at this point. As you can see, your master is nowhere to be found, and I have reclaimed my office (the camera pans out and we see that Bayless and the rest of the Administration are in his office), while your little Girl Scout troop is nowhere to be found. I win, Gosh Hopkins. I always win.” Davis is staring at the Tron with barely concealed rage…..who’s that entering the ring from the crowd? My GOD, it’s JESSE BAKER! And he’s holding a giant binder filled with his own personal HHH/Lesnar rape fantasies! THAT THING MUST WEIGH THIRTY POUNDS! We never thought it would come to this, but by GOD ladies and gentlemen, JESSE BAKER HAS THE BOOK! From behind he smashes Robert Davis in the back of the head! Davis goes down like he’s been shot! The GM cackles on the Tron as Bill Ray staggers to his feet and locks on the sharpshooter. Baker revives the ref, and Davis is OUT; the arm falls 3 times, and your winner is Bill Ray. 
But the violence isn’t over – Baker has a chair! He’s going to use it on Davis…..by god, it’s worse! He’s not going to hit him with it; he’s setting it up in the ring! HE’S GOING TO READ FROM THE BOOK! THINK OF THE CHILDREN, BAKER! Bill Ray has the mic as Baker sits down. “Chapter 1: Orton forgets the lube….” The Covenant has hit the ring! Bill Ray and Baker scatter! Still no sign of Stackhouse as the Covenant gets Davis to his feet, still woozy. Bill Ray and Baker celebrate on the ramp – and here’s GM Bayless to raise Bill Ray’s hand in victory! The rest of the Administration surrounds the chosen one as The Riverdale Covenant seethes in the ring…..
And now this week’s installment of the Danimal Report:
“BoD Rumble one week from today. I love the positive vibes. No cocksuckers here, just bros. I’m so happy that I am going to burn some shit in my backyard after I eat some ham. Here are the confirmed competitors in this year’s BoD Rumble: 

Bill Ray
Hoss
Parallax
Jef Vinson
Cultstatus
The Fuj
GM Bayless
Curtis Williams
theberzerker
Andy PG
“Mr. WCW” Chris F-B
The Brazilian Kid
DBSM
Hart Killer 09
“Marvelous” Matt Perri
Biscuit
Joe Dust
WWF1987
Adam Curry
PrimeTime Ten
Kaptain Kiwi
Matt Indeed 
Mar Solo
Big Dirty Murph
And now the contract signing. Abeyance is flanked by his boy, The Brazilian Kid. Jobber is then carried out Weekend at Bernie’s style by Zanatude and Big Dirty Murph. Jobbers training included cocaine, grain alcohol, and oxycontin. He in fact might be dead but just flashed a thumbs up as he got an alert that the Golden State Warriors crushed the Houston Rockets. Abeyance signs the contract as does Jobber, who had to have Stuart Chartock move the pen in his hand for him. After the contract is signed, Cultstatus runs out and interrupts. He says that there is no way that he should not be in this match and points at Abeyance’s chest. Abeyance stands up for himself and shoves Cult back, who is surprised. He heads towards Abeyance but know Parallax has run out and is attacking Cult. The Job Mob are sneaking out Jobber from the ring as Murph clears the way but Murph gets jumped from behind by Adam Curry!!!! Its a pier six brawl as now Jef Vinson runs out as does the Fuj. Curtzerker now darts out to the ring with Hoss as its Mayhem. TBK gets tossed. Vinson and Parallax back into each other and stand off as they are the only two left in the ring as the show goes off the air. 
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR THE BoD RUMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!