BoD RAW

17th June 2014 by Scott Keith

This has nothing to do with the WWE

BoD RAW Preview

After the unfortunate passing of Officer Farva, tomorrow night, BoD RAW is FARVA!!!!

The events that Farva would have wanted such as the Mrs. Whippleman invitational match, held center stage at the famed Florida strip club that allows you to bring in your cellphone, the Cellular Twat

A pie eating contest between Hoss Lorenz and Fat Kevin Steen

The Tag Titles are on the line as Adam Curry & Kyle Warne defend the belts against Paul Meekin & White Thunder

Plus, Find out who the replacement of Farva will be in the Wargames match

The debut of “Welcome to the BoD” talkshow hosted by Abeyance with his partner, thebraziliankid, as his first guess.

And, Stranger in the Alps & Logan Scisco take on Tommy Hall & Andy PG

And, memorable quotes from Farva and appearances from Buck Nasty, Dancin’ Devin Harris and others on………………………………………………………………….

BoD RAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The show starts with the whole roster standing on the ramp wearing black armbands with the letters “OF” written on them in memory of Officer Farva. Mister E Mahn, by far the best timekeeper in the business, gives us the ten bell salute.

After the salute, GM Bayless comes out and says that this show is dedicated to the memory of Farva. He also says that tonight, he will name Farva’s replacement for the BoD Wargames match. He also says that your special guest host for tonight’s festivities is none other than………………Mrs. Whippleman, a whore who brought joy to Farva. Bayless then says that things will return back to normal next week but for tonight, we dedicate the show to our fallen friend.

Stranger in the Alps & Logan Scisco vs. Tommy Hall & Andy PG

We have the creme de la creme of the BoD Writer’s Division here tonight. In honor of the San Antonio Spurs NBA Title victory, Tommy is sporting a Kevin Willis throwback. Starting this off are Scisco and Andy PG, one guy reviews old RAW’s and the other reviews the new RAW’s, which means they hate each other. Maybe. Logan wins that battle and tags Stranger as they double-team Andy for a bit. Logan tags back into the match but Tommy knees him in the back from the apron and tags himself into the match. Tommy hammers on Andy then stops and uses the “making it rain” taunt for the crowd, which does not appreciate the e-book mogul’s antics. Tommy points at Stranger and motions that the belt will be is as Stranger laughingly tells him to come over. Tommy pushes Logan towards Stranger but uses a back suplex just before Stranger reached out for the tag. Tommy laughs and tags Andy, who hits a leg drop but Stranger breaks up the pin. The ref orders Stranger back as Logan is getting double-teamed in the corner. Andy charges towards the corner but Logan ducks as both men are down. Logan moves over to the corner as Andy grabs his foot but manages to hit him with an enziguiri then makes the hot tag to Stranger. He clotheslines Andy then manages to yank Tommy back into the ring as he tried to escape. Stranger measures him up but as Tommy begs for mercy. Andy tries to hit Stranger from behind with a running knee, who moves, and he ends up kneeing his partner. Tommy is in pain on the mat as Logan takes down Andy. Stranger drags Tommy into the ring and sets up for the can opener, the move that terrorized living rooms across Canada in the early 1980’s and nails it and covers Tommy for the win! But he was not the legal man! Tommy is rolling on the mat, grabbing his nuts, as I hope for his sake, the Cellular Twat has an ice pack so he can enjoy the after party, a little bit anyway.

Mrs. Whippleman Invitational Center Stage Brawl

A lot of gimmicks have been added to this brawl tonight and more importantly gets to go home with Mrs. Whippleman herself. The match is won when you hit your opponent with a glass bottle that has CM Punk’s face super imposed over a baby wearing a diaper. And we start with the Dennis Stamp of the BoD, Billy Castillo, beating on Flyin’ Brian Gutan. Curtzerker is teaming up and running wild on everyone, as they have destroyed Sweet Lee, Night81, WCW1987, and Dock Muraco. Wait a minute, new BoD Tag Team, Andrew Dean and Dan Selby, who go by the New Age British Bulldogs, now jump in and beat on Curtzerker. All sorts of madness is happening as Kyle Fitta and Matt Perri are beating each other with pool sticks. Ray is a Nerd is getting a beatdown, courtesy of BoD NXT prospects Gosh Hopkins and Garth Holmberg beat on him with janitorial supplies. Aric “Can’t I just be called Eric” Johnson beats on Joey Esq. with a stack of magazines. James beats on Hopkins as Curtzerker tosses Sweet Lee over the bar. theberzerker goes for the bottle but out from nowhere comes Buck Nasty!!!!!!!!! He takes the bottle and crashes it over theberzerker’s head for the win. The Skank Patrol come out to surround their hero as Mrs. Whippleman pushes them aside to take Buck Nasty by the hand, presumably to a hotel room. The Skank Patrol look said as their hero has left but out comes DANCIN’ DEVIN HARRIS AND HE IS HERE TO GIT FUNKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY!!!!!! GIT DOWN WITH DA D-D-H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And all of the skanks dance around

In the ring, Brawsome, spmahn, and GDunn are in the ring, upset that this has been clogging up their RSS feeds for the past several weeks. GDunn grabs the mic and says that his 17 Facebook videos show us all that he leads the coolest life ever. Last week, a co-worker invited him out to TGI Friday’s and he ordered two Shock Tops!!!!!!!!!!!! As they complain about the show, Laughing Sting propels down from the ceiling and falls on top of them. Now, Jobber, Parallax, and the Upper Midcard Express come in and destroy the trio of complainers as Laughing Sting keeps laughing and yelling “OUCH!!!!!!!!!!” The RSS guys have all been tossed out of the ring as the 4 men point to the sky in honor of their fallen friend, who liked when petulant children got dealt with forcefully. Now, GM Bayless comes out. He says that he knows Farva is difficult to replace but has come to the conclusion that there is only one worthy candidate. And that candidate is………………………………………………………………………………GM BAYLESS!!!!! THE GM HAS JUST BOOKED HIMSELF IN THE WARGAMES MATCH. Bayless looks over at the four men in the ring and they all shake hands then raise them up in the air as I cannot believe what I have just seen.

Pie Eating Contest

Todd “Hoss” Lorenz vs. Fat Kevin Steen

Fat Kevin Steen is making his RAW debut here against a staple of the show, The Hoss, who does not take kindly to guys bigger than him. We have custard pie, pumpkin pie, blueberry pie, squash pie, cream pie, and rhubarb pie. Our competitors have three minutes to eat all of the pies. They are all tied for 1st as Fat Kevin Steen’s favorite pie. Hoss looks over at his competitor with his scowl. Fat Kevin Steen responds by drooling at the thought of devouring pastries. Our official, Mrs. Whippleman, blows the whistle as the contest begins. FAt Kevin Steen starts by double fisting pies at an astonishing rate. Hoss tries to keep up with the land monster next to him but after the first minute, trails 25 -14. Steen continues to eat as Hoss is getting tired. Hoss looks over and puts down his pie and what is this, HE CALLS FOR THE BELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hoss looks over to Sasquatch, who just slammed down his last pie. Hoss offers him a handshake and Steen goes for it but Hoss knees him in the groin!!!! IT WAS A SET UP!!!!!!!! Hoss walks over and grabs the salad tray as Steen looks up and sees a tray of leafy goodness and looks mortified!!!! Hoss is taunting the morbidly obese Steen with vegetables. Hoss is yelling “NO RANCH DRESSING” as he appraoches Steen and shoves the salad in his mouth!!!!! HA HA HA HA, HE IS FORCE FEEDING THE FAT GUY HEALTHY FOOD!!!!!! GIT DOWN, GIT DOWN WITH DA FOOD PYRAMID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Folks, no one appreciated bad fat people jokes more than Farva and this was just that.

And here it is folks, the debut of “Welcome to the BoD” with your host, Abeyance. And out comes his partner and first guest, thebraziliankid.

Abeyance: Hello everyone, Welcome to the BoD
(Crowd): Hello, Abeyance
Abeyance: Isn’t this fun?
(Crowd): IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Abeyance: I know
(Crowd) SO DO WE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Abeyance: Here is my first guest and partner, thebraziliankid
BrazilianKid: Hello
Abeyance & the Crowd: WELCOME TO THE BoD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BrazilianKid: Thank you for having me here
Abeyance: You are welcome. So, how was your week.
BrazilianKid: I was sad about Farva. But why does the armband say “OF.” Aren’t we supposed to wear them? I do not want to take them off
Abeyance: Well, O-F-F spells off, OF stands for Officer Farva.
BrazilianKid: Wait, so mine is spelled wrong?
Abeyance: I don’t know, is it?
BrazilianKid: You said it was. Let me correct this (he pulls out a pen to add an extra “F”)
Abeyance: Now you spelled it right
(The Producer comes out)
Producer: What are you doing?
Abeyance & the Crowd:WELCOME TO THE BoD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Producer: Why are you messing with the armbands?
BrazilianKid: Mine was spelled wrong
Abeyance: It was
EVERYONE: IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Producer (looks dumbfounded): I need a new job
BrazilianKid: I am confused, do I take off my armband?
Abeyance: I don’t know, ask the producer
BrazilianKid: Does he produce me a new one?
Abeyance: I don’t know but any last words, we have to go
BrazilianKid: I miss Farva
Abeyance: So do I
CROWD: SO DO WE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

BoD Tag Team Championship Match

Paul Meekin & White Thunder vs. Adam Curry & Kyle Warne (Champions)

Here we go folks. Curry takes control of Meekin to start. Tag to Warne, who hits a springboard dropkick onto the DDP Yoga quitter. Thunder pours out one in honor of Farva, then does the strut but ends up slipping on the fluids he poured out. Warne misses a splash as Meekin takes him down with a shoulderblock. Thunder tags and stomps the legs of Warne, softening him up for the figure four. Thunder chokes him out and when the ref tries to intervene, Thunder asks the official if he can pay his bar tab. Thunder is living the gimmick, folks. Meekin tags back and squashes Warne with an avalanche. Curry rallies his partner from the apron as Warne crawls under Meekin’s legs and makes the tag. Curry runs wild and clears the ring of Thunder. He hits Meekin with a running knee smash as that staggers him for a bit but not enough to make a difference. Curry charges again but Thunder budges Meekin out of the way and he crashes outside. Thunder and Meekin go to Warne and set up for the figure four/earthquake splash combo. Thunder has Warne in the submission hold as Meekin bounces off of the ropes, Curry grabs his leg. Thunder heads over and uses a baseball slide to take out Curry but he yanks him outside instead. From behind, Warne hits Meekin with an enziguiri. He stumbles around as Curry climbs up top as Warne ducks behind Meekin. Curry hits him with a missile dropkick as Meekin falls over Warne as they finally get the big man down. Both guys climb up as Curry hits a top rope leg drop then Warne with the SSP as both men lie on top of Meekin and get the win!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The champs celebrate and point to the sky as the show ends.

And now, top 5’ers Jef Vinson, Jobber, Parallax, Abeyance, and Cultstatus come out in black suits. Vinson has a bottle of champagne as Abeyance hands out glasses. Vinson pours the drinks as the lights fade go out, with just a spotlight in the middle of the ring. They all are putting their differences aside to toast Farva. As they bow their heads, the show fades to black.

RIP FARVA