The SmarK Rant for WWF Wrestling at the Chase – 02.11.84

The SmarK Rant for WWF Wrestling at the Chase – 02.11.84

Taped from St. Louis, MO

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Mean Gene

Ivan Putski v. Jerry Valiant

Valiant viciously attacks with flabby forearms to start and then runs away when challenged, not proving to be very valiant. So Putski ties him up in the ropes and puts the boots to him. So Valiant wants a test of strength and quickly loses that despite his best attempts at cheating. So he cheats again with a shot to the throat and goes to a nerve pinch, but Putski somehow escapes that devastating massage and grabs a headlock. Valiant goes to a chinlock this time, really taking Putski to the limit with state of the art offense, but Putski fights out and puts him down to the floor with a Polish Hammer, and Valiant walks out at 4:30. To be fair, if I was in the audience I probably would have done the same but 2 minutes earlier. And then afterwards, Ivan lets us know that he wanted to sing last week but the promoter said NO WAY, and so this week he’s gonna DO IT ANYWAY. I hear Vince McMahon was told NO WAY by more than a few women and then also did it anyway. So they’ve got a lot in common.

Adrian Adonis & Dick Murdoch v. James Burke & Craig Carson

Gene is almost as bad of a ring announcer as he is a color commentator, down to his annoying habit of doing the thing where he repeats the last name of the guys like he’s Mr. Kennedy…Kennedy. Murdoch and Adonis beat the hell out of the jobbers, but Carson comes back with a sunset flip for two, and that earns him a DDT from Adonis. Over to Burke. Adonis necks him on the top rope and the poor guy bumps right into an elbowdrop from Murdoch, and he adds a pair of kneedrops before hitting the guy right in the face in direct view of the referee. They switch off with more elbows in the corner, just murdering this poor bastard, and Adonis slingshots him under the bottom rope before Murdoch drops elbows on him from the apron. Then Adrian hauls him to the floor and drops him on the railing. Back in the ring for a backbreaker from Adonis, and he holds him for a flying kneedrop from Murdoch on top of that, and then Adonis puts this guy out of his misery with Goodnight Irene at 5:12. Send a ham to his widow, Smithers. These guys were out there doing the Ospreay-Omega of squash matches in 1984 and I can’t wait for them to get the tag team titles already.

Big John Studd v. Gilbert Guerrero

Gilbert goes for an easy $10,000 with a bodyslam attempt and fails miserably, so Stud puts him down with a shoulderblock and then no-sells some dropkicks. Studd with a hiptoss and the fans apparently want Hulk, which is kind of weird because the show had ended its run a couple of years previous. Studd finishes with a bearhug at 4:13 and sadly there’s no appearance from Lou Ferrigno to make the St. Louis crowd happy.

Meanwhile, Mean Gene interviews Studd and Roddy Piper, and we learn that Studd is the one who triumphed in the battle royale and won $30,000. So that makes him the #1 contender to the World title and he’s challenging for it on March 2 at the Kiel. So then Piper suggests some roleplaying, and Studd plays Studd while Piper plays Hogan. So “Studd” challenges “Hogan” to a fight and “Hogan” immediately falls to his knees in terror and begs not to be hurt by the challenger. That checks out. Also Rocky Johnson has words for Mr. Wonderful, who busted him open in the battle royale and now they will have a singles match on March 2.

Jimmy Snuka v. Israel Matia

This appears to be copied over from a different syndicated show, probably All Star Wrestling. Snuka quickly takes him down and goes to a chinlock. This leads to a hypothetical discussion between Vince and Pat Patterson about what would happen if Snuka ever missed the Superfly splash. Broken ribs and broken knee appears to be the answer. No wonder wrestlers complained about how hard that mat was. Luckily the splash does NOT miss and that finishes at 3:12.

Meanwhile, Paul Orndorff claims that HE is the one who was wronged in the battle royale by Rocky Johnson, and so he was justified in busting Rocky open and throwing him out of the match in retaliation. Both men raise good points, I guess. And then Piper makes a comment about “watermelon” on the way out, because it was 1984 and much like concussion protocols, we didn’t know the science behind racism at that point and mostly thought it was OK. Speaking of which, we also hear from Jimmy Snuka, who was equally ignorant of the fact that beating your girlfriend to death while in a drug-addled state was BAD. The world was very different back then, you see. I think it had to do with Ronald Reagan or maybe ALF.

Andre the Giant v. Mr. Fuji

Fuji goes for his racist salt right away, but Andre casually swats it away and out to the floor. So Fuji retrieves it and offers a handshake while hiding the evidence. So Fuji tries a headlock and Andre does the drop-down into the ASS OF STEEL spot to knock Fuji into the corner, so Fuji goes for the salt again to defend himself the only way he knows how. So Andre just batters him with chops and puts him down with the big boot, but Tiger Chung Lee runs in for the DQ at 3:28. Unfortunately for them, you’re not getting heat on Andre on this show, and he single-handledly kicks both of their asses and sends them running back to the dressing room.

Next week: More action! Well that’s good to know.