The SmarK Rant for WWF WrestleMania XII

Sadly, the WWE Network omits the Free 4 All, so I’m unable to redo the Huckster v. Nacho Man match. Also this is the third time I’ve reviewed this show and I guarantee it will be the last and final version of the rant.

Live from Anaheim, CA, drawing 15,855

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler

Vader, Owen Hart & The British Bulldog v. Yokozuna, Ahmed Johnson & Jake Roberts

It’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA right away and Yoko puts Vader on the floor with a clothesline, followed by an out of control Ahmed hitting him with a dive and nearly falling on his own head. Back in the ring, we get the hoss fight between Vader and Yoko, and then Yoko beats Owen down in the corner before missing a blind charge. Meanwhile Vince reminds us of Owen’s Slammy award triumph the night before, kicking off one of the greatest running gags in wrestling history. Vader beats Yoko down while Mr. Fuji waves the American flag in such a weird image, but Yoko fights back with a uranage on Vader and makes a hot tag to Ahmed. Ahmed was a hell of a hot tag guy. But then he cleans house for a bit and Vader nails him from behind to break it up. Ahmed comes back with a shoulderblock, flailing out of control like my dogs when the mailman rings the doorbell, and Owen has to dropkick him from behind to put him down again. JUST A GUESS but I’m thinking Ahmed might have been slightly more energetic than usual here for reasons other than excitement at opening the show. Ahmed crawls to his corner and somehow takes another 2 minutes to make a hot tag to Jake, but the heels cut him off immediately and triple-team him in the corner. I guess out of the three guys, Jake is the best choice to get the heat. Vader beats on Jake and Owen comes in with a flying elbow for two, and HOT TAKE, Owen had a really nice flying elbow and should have done it more. More double-teaming on Jake in the corner and Bulldog hits him with the powerslam for two. Vader puts him down for two, but Bulldog comes in again and misses a legdrop and we get another overly dramatic hot tag crawl, this time with Yoko coming in to clean house. So Yoko runs wild and mostly just lets everyone crash into him and it’s back to Jake again, who hits Owen with the DDT while the ref is distracted by the heels. So Jake goes after Cornette, but Vader lays him out from behind and finishes with the Vader bomb at 13:13. So sadly, no one gets 5 minutes with Jim Cornette in the ring. I don’t think Yoko OR Jake could have gone another 5 minutes anyway, they were both pretty winded. A very underwhelming opener.
Verdict: **1/2.

Meanwhile, we get a recap of the Goldust-Piper feud, with what sounds like Michael Cole doing the voiceover? I have to assume they had to re-record something there well after the fact.

Hollywood Backlot Brawl: Goldust v. Rowdy Roddy Piper

So we join Piper waiting in an alley, where Goldust pulls up in a gold Cadillac, and Piper smashes the windows with a baseball bat and attacks. Piper runs him into the catering table and then the dumpster before tossing a garbage can on him and putting the boots to him. Piper gives him the hose and slams him on the car before slugging him down again, but Goldust goes low and then runs him over with the car before driving off at 3:35. But Piper jumps into a WHITE BRONCO to give chase. This first portion was a fun little brawl but the pre-taped segment killed the live crowd.

Stone Cold Steve Austin v. Savio Vega

Savio comes in with a sideslam and they slug it out on the mat. Minor note: Austin has now gone with black trunks and black boots for his gear, which is a boring choice that likely won’t help him go further in the midcard. They fight to the floor, but Austin runs him into the post on the way in and clotheslines him down before stomping on him repeatedly in the corner. He should workshop that one. Austin with a hammerlock and Savio fights out of that with a back kick for two. However, we have BREAKING NEWS, as Roddy Piper joins us via some kind of “cellular phone” in the White Bronco. Austin sweeps the leg to cut off a comeback attempt and goes to work on the arm. Vince is still amazed by this “cellular phone” used by Piper, allowing us to get updates from the car. Vega comes back with a sunset flip for two and they trade rollups as Vince declares a SEE SAW MATCHUP BACK AND FORTH. And of course, we cut to an inset of the White Bronco getting trailed by police, GET IT? Savio puts Austin down with a leg lariat and goes up, but lands on Austin’s foot. Savio with a small package for two, but Austin slams him down again and goes up, only to also land on Savio’s boot. Savio makes the comeback with the BAAAAACK BODY DROP, but he hits the ref with his leg lariat and that allows Dibiase to hand the belt to Austin. So Steve knocks him out with the belt and then pretends to use the Million Dollar Dream while Dibiase dumps a drink on the ref to wake him up. And after all that, we get the anticlimactic arm drop finish and Austin is the winner at 10:00. I remember liking this a lot more at the time, but the crowd was dead here and the finish was way overdone.
Verdict: **

Speaking overdone, we cut to the White Bronco driving through LA again as Vince quips that the footage “looks very familiar”.

Ultimate Warrior v. Hunter Hearst Helmsley

Speaking of looking familiar, Hunter’s escort for the evening is of course the debuting Sable. Hunter was such a weirdly random choice to get squashed by Warrior here, when you had guys like 1-2-3 Kid who wouldn’t have been hurt in the least and could have flown around the ring for him. So Hunter attacks and slugs away at the bell, then it’s KICK WHAM PEDIGREE, but Warrior no-sells it and makes the comeback. Yeah that’ll never happen ever again. Warrior with the clotheslines and press slam and Hunter’s big Wrestlemania debut goes about as badly as possible for him at 1:40. And that was the high point of Warrior’s entire run as it was all way downhill from there.
Verdict: DUD

Meanwhile, Todd introduces the arriving Wildman Marc Mero backstage. And he immediately runs afoul of the grumpy Hunter and they brawl to end the segment.

Diesel v. The Undertaker

Slugfest to start and Diesel hits him with a corner clothesline and then puts him on the floor. They slug it out down there and Taker runs him into the stairs. Back in the ring, Taker with a bodypress for two and goes to work on the arm. Things I never noticed until today: Kevin Nash was wearing an outfit that said “Big D” on the front here. You have to admire that. Taker necks him on the top rope and slugs him to the floor, but ol’ Big D runs him into the post and works on the back. Back in the ring, Diesel with a big boot and now even Vince is calling him “Big D”! Diesel with Snake Eyes and he stops to admire his own hair, but Taker slugs back and we get a cool double boot spot to put them both down. Diesel is up first and goes to a bearhug, squeezing Undertaker with his Big D energy, but Taker escapes the anaconda grip of Big D with a back suplex and goes up with a flying clothesline for two. Big D goes limp for a bit of that, but suddenly pops up with the Jackknife powerbomb. Taker seems like he’s done, but sits up and so Big D is ready for round two with another powerbomb. But then he goes for the pin and Taker pops up and gets his hand around Big D. So Diesel puts him down again with a back suplex, and Taker pops up a third time and comes back with a flying clothesline. And the tombstone finishes at 16:38 as Big D is probably smaller now after having his spine compacted. I dunno, I was really bored watching them take 10 minutes between moves but your mileage may vary. It certainly had better heat than anything else on the show thus far.
Verdict: **1/2

Hollywood Backlot Brawl: Goldust v. Rowdy Roddy Piper (Part 2)

So the gold Caddy pulls up at the arena and Piper is in hot pursuit, as they make their way into the arena to finish the “match” in the ring. So Goldust beats on Piper’s bad leg and slugs him down in the corner. Goldust with a very handsy piledriver attempt and then he tears off Piper’s shirt and chokes him out with it before wrapping the knee around the post. So then Goldust gets full mount on him and goes in for more, horrifying the crowd. Hey, I thought California was supposed to be all liberal and shit? Piper fights out of that, but Goldust kisses him and now Piper is really mad and goes for the groin in retaliation. So then Goldust gets stripped down to his lingerie and he’s had enough and walks out to give Piper the win. I’d call this “better than expected” and leave it at that.

WWF title, Iron Man match: Bret Hart v. Shawn Michaels

In the pre-match promo (again with Michael Cole or someone who sounds exactly like him from 1996 overdubbing the voiceovers) Bret notes that “one man’s sundown is another man’s dawn”. And then that guy has Sunny Days, I bet. So of course the entrance here is the often-replayed zipline routine from Shawn from the top of the arena. You know what, I don’t think he’s even there for the match, he just wants to zipline! Earl Hebner is nice enough to explain the rules to everyone to start, and we all know that Earl Hebner always calls it right down the middle and would never favor either guy. Shawn takes Bret down off a pair of headlock attempts to start, but Bret gets the headlock on the third try while Vince speculates that there’s no “Bret Hart fans” or “Shawn Michaels fans” and everyone is just there to see great action from both guys. Or, and follow along with me here…the exact opposite of what he said. Bret keeps working that headlock, but Shawn reverses to the arm and he works on that for a few minutes before taking Bret to the floor with a headscissors. Vince describes it as “one of those high flying Mexican maneuvers that Bret was making reference to”.

Back in the ring, because why would bumping to the floor lead to anything, that’s crazy talk, and Bret tries to throw Shawn out but he skins the cat back in and goes back to the armbar that all the kids are talking about on their TikToks. So Bret puts him down with a knee to the gut, but Shawn drops a leg on him and goes back to the arm again. This brings up one of the major issues with the match, as Shawn is doing fairly state of the art submission stuff like a Fujiwara armbar here, and Bret just has no interest in selling it properly. And Bret literally pops up and goes for the Sharpshooter out of that, but Shawn makes the ropes. So Bret clotheslines him to the floor as Shawn takes the first bump of any note thus far, but he tries to superkick Bret on the floor and hits the timekeeper instead.

You could say he really…

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…got his bell rung there.

(SHRIEKING GOAT MEME?)

Oh, sorry, I wanted to put the Roger Daltrey scream here, but WWE Network immediately overdubbed it. I guess the goat is cheaper to license?

So we’re 20 minutes into the match and Bret’s got a chinlock going, but Shawn escapes and goes back to the armbar. And again, the crowd just sees it as a resthold because Bret is working a totally different match than Shawn at this point. Bret beats on him with forearms in the corner, but Shawn runs him into the ringpost to counter and then hits a shoulderbreaker and goes up with a double axehandle to the shoulder. Hammerlock slam follows and he runs Bret into the corner and then takes him down with a single arm DDT. Shawn with a cross-armbreaker, and again Bret has no interest in doing this kind of match, which really sucks because Shawn is about two years ahead of the curve with this stuff and it’s falling completely flat. Shawn goes to another Fujiwara armbar variation and there would have been a fascinating story with Bret being forced to tap out early from this stuff, but NOPE. Nothing. Bret finally escapes with a catapult into the post, and that gets two. That also should have been a pinfall given Shawn’s bump there. Shawn fights back and tries a blind charge, but misses and gets hung up in the corner, allowing Bret to put the boots to him and clothesline him for two. Bulldog and Bret goes up, but Shawn tries to slam him off and Bret counters with the Ole Anderson knee from the top, taking out the ref as we’re at the halfway point.

Shawn gets a powerslam for two, but he puts his head down and Bret piledrives him for two. Bret goes up again, but Shawn successfully slams him off the top this time and hits him with a rana to finally pick up the pace a bit. Bret dodges the superkick, but Shawn gets a backbreaker for two. Bret bails to avoid another superkick attempt, so Shawn dives onto him from the top rope instead and they’re both down and out. Back in, Shawn with a bodypress, but Bret rolls through for 1 2 HE GOT HIM NO HE DIDN’T. They fight over a backslide and Bret gets a small package for two. Shawn with the Perfectplex for two. He goes to the sleeper, but Bret escapes that and backdrops Shawn over the ringpost. That bump is so great that it was dubbed The Holy Shit Bump at the time and it’s still breathtaking today, especially with the camera angle following Shawn over the top and to the floor. I had forgotten about it and I gasped again watching 30 years later.

Back in the ring, Bret goes after the back, running him into the corner and hitting him with a backbreaker and legdrop. Bret beats on the back in the corner, doing a slight heel turn, and Shawn takes a Flair Flip in the corner, allowing Bret to bring him back down with a superplex for two. Bret goes to the chinlock off that, but Shawn fights out and goes to the top. Bret hits him on the way down, however, and gets the legsweep for two. Shawn tries another comeback, but Bret tosses him over the top and onto Jose Lothario. And then Shawn takes another bump onto the old man for good measure. Back in the ring, Bret with a belly to belly for two. Bret goes back to working the back as the crowd is getting bored and amusing themselves in the background. The match has had interesting stretches but has never pulled together into one cohesive story, like the far superior MJF match did decades later. Shawn bumps to the floor again and so Bret hits him with a tope and tries to gracefully take the countout. Spoiler: He doesn’t get it.

Back in the ring, Bret gets a german suplex for two. Bret goes to a lengthy chinlock with time running down, but Shawn fights out and it’s a double clothesline for a double down. Shawn is up first and he tries to go up, but Bret brings him down with a superplex off the top. Shawn fights off the Sharpshooter, so Bret goes to a half-crab instead and Shawn makes the ropes. Bret goes up and lands on Shawn’s foot, and Shawn comes back with a dropkick and then whips Bret into the turnbuckles. Flying forearm and kip up with time winding down and Shawn makes the comeback with a double axehandle for two. Flying elbow gets two. Doctorbomb and Shawn goes up with a moonsault press for two. Shawn with another rana for two. That one looked like Bret was supposed to counter into a powerbomb and they got crossed up. So Shawn goes up again and tries a missile dropkick, but Bret catches him and puts him in the Sharpshooter, and Shawn hangs on until time expires at 60:00. So it’s a draw and Bret Hart retains!

But then Gorilla Monsoon, clearly as corrupt as old Jack Tunney, changes the rules on the fly and declares that they have to continue until a winner is crowned. Bret is rightly pissed but goes back in to finish off Shawn, beating his back down. BAAAAAACK BODY DROP and backbreaker for Shawn, but Shawn dodges him in the corner and hits the superkick out of nowhere and they’re both down. Bret recovers first, but Shawn reloads and hits the fateful superkick, fulfilling the boyhood dream at 63:54 and winning his first WWF title. But hey, I’m sure Bret Hart will be totally normal and cool about the whole thing and just move on with his life anyway. I hope you enjoyed this review because I doubt I’m ever watching this one again. About half of it was really great wrestling, but the rest was…not. Just restholds and meandering armbars that went nowhere. We all know all the things wrong with the match and it’s been dissected to death, I think. This was Babe Ruth calling his shot and then hitting a solid double instead of a home run.
Verdict: ***1/2

Overall, a very mid Wrestlemania during a stretch of three of them that were not up to the standards of what the show was supposed to be. I found this one more dull than bad, though, and I know some people really like the Diesel-Undertaker match and the backlot brawl.