The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 12.31.94

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 12.31.94

Originally written 02.20.26

Time to finally put 1994 to bed.

Taped from Poughkeepsie, NY on 11.29.94

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler, as Vince wishes us a Happy New Year despite the show airing on New Year’s Eve.

WWF Tag team title tournament: Owen Hart & Jim Neidhart v. The Headshrinkers

This is of course the debut of Fatu and Sionne being forced to wear BOOTS in an effort to civilize them, although it’s not like Barbarian ever had a problem with footwear before. Sionne overpowers Anvil and it’s over to Fatu, who literally has trouble walking around the ring because he’s such a savage that he doesn’t understand basic footwear. Owen tries to ram Fatu into the turnbuckle and that’s a waste of time, as Fatu takes him down and puts the new boots to him, before tripping and falling out of the ring on an irish whip. They claim Anvil pulled down the rope but we KNEW it’s the boots. We take a break and return with Fatu getting worked over in the Hart corner, and Owen hits him with a leg lariat for two. Anvil chokes out Fatu in the corner, but Fatu comes back with a backbreaker on Owen and crawls for the tag before “that Rhino Jim Neidhart” breaks it up, according to Vince. Nice little Stu callout there. Owen comes in with a missile dropkick for two and goes to a chinlock, but he tries a DDT and Fatu pops up and superkicks him. That spot always kills. Hot tag Ballbearing and he slugs away on Anvil and powerslams him for two. Owen comes in and Barbarian presses him onto Anvil and hits the KICK OF FEAR on Anvil. Fatu goes to the top rope for his big splash, but he can’t get up there with boots on so he has to pull them off first, which allows Owen a chance to crotch him. And the Hart Attack behind the ref’s back gets two, but Barbarian saves. So Owen grabs Fatu’s boot and hits him with it, drawing a DQ at 10:04. The boot storyline was stupid, but Barbarian was a surprisingly good hot tag guy as a babyface, and overall it was a pretty decent tag team match, not to mention Anvil’s last appearance for a long ass time.

Razor Ramon v. The Brooklyn Brawler

Surprisingly fast squash as Ramon tosses Brawler around and finishes with the Razor’s Edge at 1:00.

ROYAL RUMBLE REPORT! With TODD!

Todd runs down the current entrants, who all pretty much suck outside of Shawn Michaels, and we hear from Bret Hart in Calgary, who wishes Owen Hart a ROTTEN new year because he can’t let it go. And of course we have to hear from Diesel, who declares that the WWF runs more efficiently than ever right because it runs on Diesel Power. I’m pretty sure diesel power is actually one of the least efficient forms of energy unless you’re specifically talking about long-range trucking. Also with Diesel Power you have to factor in the 22% of the match spent leaning in the corner and setting up the elbow smash, plus 17% of the match flipping his hair.

KWANG v. Buck Quartermaine

Quartermaine has an awesome wrestling name that doesn’t at all match his skinny geek body and mismatched boots. Kwang puts him down with a back elbow and follows with a side kick before excitedly spewing green mist and then missing a blind charge. Buck gets a pair of cradles for two, but Kwang hits him with a kick and then waves his hands around to show his martial arts skills. And we get an inset promo from THE FINK, who apologizes for pulling Harvey’s pants down on RAW. We were all owed an apology for that. Kwang does more kicks and hand waving and finishes with a kick before waving his hands some more at 2:00.

The Heartbreak Hotel with special guest Undertaker. Taker turns the lights out and he’s pretty pissed that IRS was messing with that dude’s grave as a running gag and using fake druids. ONLY REAL DRUIDS ALLOWED!

Henry Godwinn v. John Paul

The kid doing guest ring announcing here is pretty good, actually, really nailing the gravitas. You know, while we get pigs oinking as entrance music for the guy playing the hillbilly farmer character. Speaking of John and Paul, my kid is getting into her Beatles era right now, and last week she asked me if I “had any Beatles CDs she could have” and it was like the heavens opened up and I was suddenly discovering my true purpose in life. WHY YES I DO HAVE SOME BEATLES MUSIC ON CD YOU CAN HAVE, MY CHILD! Would you like the entire catalog and all the North American Capitol versions in both mono and stereo, or just the Red and Blue collections to start out? How about all the solo runs as well? Do you need any vinyl? Let me just head into my giant collection in the basement and get back to you. Slop Drop finishes at 2:00.

Meanwhile, we meet KAMA, the SUPREME FIGHTING MACHINE, who is tougher than Tyson and Foreman but got banned from boxing for breaking all rules. Was he performing voodoo spells on them? I’ve heard that’s frowned upon, although knowing those Jake Paul freakshow deals on Netflix they might let him on there.

Aldo Montoya v. Mike Bell

Aldo takes him down and works the arm while Vince makes reference to the Rosotti sisters for some reason, and Bell takes him down for two. But then he misses a charge and Aldo dropkicks him from the top, before going to the middle rope with a bulldog that he calls THE JELLYFISH STING. OK I made that up. I’ve also heard you need someone to pee on you after doing to a job to Aldo to relieve the pain. Anyway that finishes at 2:00.

NEXT WEEK: British Bulldog! Bob Backlund! Mabel! King Kong Bundy! And Well Dunn faces the Smoking Gunns in round one of the tag team tournament! And HOLY SHIT IT’S MANTAUR! IT’S HAPPENING!

Well I didn’t really want to continue into 1995 but I guess I gotta now.