The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 12.29.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 12.29.96

Taped from Daytona Beach, FL on 12.17.96

Your hosts are Jim Ross & Jim Cornette

The Honky Tonk Man joins us to start, and although we all want to see him Shake Rattle and Roll, he’s got more important business to take care of and will not be doing so.

Goldust v. Leif Cassidy

Honky Tonk Man joins us on commentary and now goes with the gaslighting option, claiming he was never actually beat for the Intercontinental title in 1988. But now he’s gonna find a replacement who can carry on for him. Goldust beats on Leif in the corner, but Leif puts the boots to him as we get an inset promo from Hunter announcing his IC title defense against Goldust at the Rumble. What did Goldust ever do to earn another shot at the title besides losing a million matches in 1996 and a bunch of previous title shots? Goldust with the Curtain Call to finish at 2:30 as poor Al Snow is already having his heel push stalled out.

Steve Austin v. Jason Ahrndt & Eddie Jacke

So for those who aren’t reading this immediately after last week’s show, because I’m writing these one after another but posting them weeks apart, Austin beat Ahrndt last week and then challenged him to find a tag team partner for a handicap match. Austin beats Jason down and lets Jacke come in before dropping an elbow on him. Austin chokes him out on the ropes and drops him on the top rope. Austin goes low and hits the Stone Cold Stunner for two, deciding to pick him up instead. So he lets Jacke tag the other guy again and Austin beats him down as well before hitting Jacke with a second stunner. But the ref is distracted and Bulldog runs in and clotheslines Austin, putting Ahrndt on top for the bullshit pin at 4:30 in an upset win that didn’t get anyone over or lead to anything at all.

Faarooq v. Alex Porteau

PG-13 is getting a little better with the rap now, although in this case JC Ice does all the rapping and is better able to stay on the beat as a result. Faarooq beats the Pug with forearms and catches him with the spinebuster and adds a snap suplex as JR buries the previous Faarooq gimmick already, saying it was up there with the Gobbledygooker. JR is seriously the kind of guy who would have been on social media telling everyone to have faith in the turkey gimmick and let it play out at the time. Porteau makes a brief comeback, but puts his head down and Faarooq finishes with a Dominator at 3:44.

Meanwhile, Steve Austin has left the two jobbers laid out in the dressing room. Yeah no one cares.

Barry Windham v. PIG

JR does another bad faith rant about how THOSE OTHER GUYS don’t have any original ideas, unlike the WWF, who are nothing but original ideas. So Bradshaw hits the ring and yells at Windham about how he should stop being the Stalker and instead join him in the New Blackjacks, a wholly original idea if I ever did hear one. Jim Ross reads a story from the New York Times where Ted Turner said that 8 out of 10 Americans are the dumbest people on Earth. Man, currently history is proving that he undershot that one. Windham works the arm and gets a hammerlock slam on Phineas and now the announcers are burying Barry Windham for “not living up to his potential” and losing too many matches. And then JR celebrates having a long term contract so he can “add some sanity to this traveling circus” as the tone whiplashes back and forth with every sentence. Windham goes up and gets slammed off, but rolls up PIG for two. And then PIG rolls him up for the pin at 4:50. This brings Bradshaw back out and he attacks the Godwinns, but that goes badly for him, and Windham makes the save for him but then walks off. Who could possibly watch this show and have any interest in anything presented at this point?

Sid joins us for an interview with Kevin Kelly and first he’s talking softly AND NOW HE’S TALKING LOUDLY.

Vader v. Savio Vega

Oh boy, another Savio Vega match to close out 1996. Vader slugs away in the corner, but Savio comes back and we take a break. Back with Savio slamming Vader and following with a back suplex. Crossbody gets two, but Vader smashes him down and hits the Vader Bomb in the corner. But then the lights go out and Undertaker does a ghostly promo, resulting in Vader running away and getting counted out.

GOODBYE 1996 SUPERSTARS. There will be no rematch.