The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 12.28.91

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 12.28.91

Originally written 12.26.25

As foretold by the prophets, we have reached the end of 1991 Superstars! From here we’re gonna loop back to January 1991 when the wrestling world was a very different place.

Taped from Austin TX on 12.04.91, which according to the History of WWE featured Kerry Von Erich giving an anti-drug talk to the Cub Scouts before the show. Think about the condition Kerry was in by late 1991 and how ludicrous that is. Also, a dark match tryout for Sir Charles, who would soon debut as PAPA SHANGO and fail to take the wrestling world by storm.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Mr. Perfect

The New Foundation v. Brian Costello & Brian Donahue

NGL I thought those were literally the same guy. I learned something new today. Owen with a belly to belly on the pale white guy named Brian with the Irish gimmick and he goes up and drops an elbow on him, and that brings in the pale white guy named Brian with the Irish gimmick and Owen takes him down with a monkey flip. Anvil hits both pale white guys named Brian with shoulderblocks, and a Rocket Launcher finishes the pale white guy named Brian with the Irish gimmick at 2:50.

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND! BROUGHT TO YOU BY SURVIVOR SERIES 1991 THE VIDEOCASSETTE!

BREAKING NEWS! Sid Justice is back AND he’s entering the Royal Rumble. Not a rumor! Not an imaginary story! And Gene lays out the rest of the star-studded field and hot damn there are a lot of former World champions in that thing. Should be a good ‘un. Also Bret Hart defends the IC title against the Mountie in what was supposed to pay off that electrocution angle. Bret’s take: “Keep in mind one thing: Revenge and the Royal Rumble and the Hitman”. Well that’s three things if we’re being technical about it.

Rick Martel v. Dale Wolfe

The Model uses some armdrag takedowns and Vince is convinced that he’s turned over a new leaf and is back to being a clean scientific wrestler. So Wolfe gets his own takedown and Martel offers a good natured handshake of sportsmanship. More good clean wrestling and Martel hits him with a back elbow to put him on the floor and does some jumping jacks before offering a good clean return to the ring for Wolfe, holding the ropes like a gentleman. So Wolfe gives him a handshake to congratulate the change of attitude, and Martel immediately turns on him and waffles him, running him into the post on the floor and then finishing with the Boston Crab at 2:42. A fun squash with a silly story.

Meanwhile, Vince shills for the “Ultimate Personal Fitness Weekend” in February, which sounds like a pyramid scheme waiting to be launched.

Big Bossman v. Rudy Romero

Rudy has an “R” on either butt cheek, presumably so he doesn’t lose his underwear between squash losses. Bossman Slam finishes at 0:45.

Repo Man v. Larry Sampson

Larry Sampson actually worked the Vancouver area as Sweet Daddy Sampson around this time and he was a cool dude who was the “World” champion for a while. I think he actually beat John Tenta for the belt. Repo tosses him and beats on him outside, and then finishes with the leglock at 1:19.

Meanwhile, we meet FULL BLOODED INDIAN WARRIOR Chris Chavis, who is debuting soon. He walks along the riverbank and gives us an overview of his tribe’s history and then goes YEE YEE YEE to punctuate it. They should bring him back for a feud with Jey Uso. It writes itself.

The Funeral Parlor with special guest Rowdy Roddy Piper. And he’s got a DREAM after years of people telling him that he couldn’t be a wrestler and couldn’t be a star and he’s sick of people like Paul Bearer, and shoves him into his own casket to end the segment. Good stuff from Piper, who was about to have a big payoff to his dream.

ROYAL RUMBLE REPORT! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

We’ve got hot new matches to announce, like Bushwhackers v. Beverly Brothers and New Foundation v. Orient Express. Well I’m sure we’ll hear about the hot new matches at some point. So Gene takes us back to last year’s show to demonstrate HOT ACTION, with Bulldog eliminating Rick Martel. I’M SOLD! Notable here is a promo from Ric Flair, with the debut of the (fake) World title that used the tag team title template but different colors.

WWF World tag team title: The Legion of Doom v. The Rockers

The Rockers of course had a very notable segment at the Wrestling Challenge tapings the night before in San Antonio, so anyone attending both tapings was probably confused here. Marty gets a rana on Animal to start, but Hawk comes in and hammers on Marty until he tags out to Shawn. So Hawk immediately catches him in a press slam, but Shawn reverses to a headscissor takedown and Hawk clotheslines him in frustration. Hawk goes up and misses a flying clothesline, but Shawn tries a sunset flip and Hawk just punches him in the face in annoyance. LOD double-teams Shawn in the corner and Animal gets a powerslam, but he tries a splash and misses that. Back to Marty, and Shawn superkicks Animal into a rollup for two. It’s BONZO GONZO and the Rockers get it together for a bit with superkicks, but Shawn accidentally dropkicks Animal while Marty is doing a bodypress, and Animal powerslams onto Marty for the pin at 3:33. This was threatening to get good but didn’t have any time to go anywhere. **. Shawn and Marty continue their dissent after the match, with Shawn finally smacking Marty around until Marty threatens to fight back and then leaves in disgust instead.

NEXT WEEK: The British Bulldog! The Beverly Brothers! Rowdy Roddy Piper! Macho Man! The Undertaker!

And that’s 1991! I have of course done all of 1992 already if you want to continue on yourself, and we’ll be back next time with January of 1991.