The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 12.24.94

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 12.24.94

Originally written 02.09.26

Taped from Poughkeepsie, NY on 11.29.94

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler, in front of an incredibly obvious green screen this week.

Well now we’ve got WWF champion Diesel spliced into the Superstars opening. He must be a draw!

LAST WEEK ON RAW! Lex Luger faces IRS and gets involved with a rogue druid, who turns out to be Tatanka. Feels like there’s some clash of spiritual beliefs involved in that deception.

Lex Luger v. Chris Avery

Avery decides to get slap happy with Lex, so Lex slams him and flexes threateningly at him to really teach him a lesson. Avery gets some more weak shots, but Luger suplexes him, hits a powerslam, and finishes with the REBEL RACK at 1:45.

Meanwhile, Charlie Minn is OUT and Stephanie Wiand is IN. Not an improvement.

WWF World tag team title tournament quarterfinals: The Heavenly Bodies v. The Bushwhackers

The Bodies bushwhack the Whackers to start and go to work on Luke in their corner and Vince is like “They’re done for! Luke has to tag out or else the match is over!” Meanwhile it’s just Dr. Tom choking him out and holding a facelock. Vince has completely written off the Bushwhackers now, declaring them unlikely to advance, and Del Ray puts Luke in a devastating chinlock now to really turn the screws on them. Tom misses an elbow and it’s hot tag Butch here at 35:00 of this All Japan tag league classic and he’s a house of fire. But then he tries to slam Pritchard and Del Ray trips him up, putting Tom on top for the pin at 3:45. Short and relatively inoffensive. ½*

King Kong Bundy v. Gary Scott

Bundy tosses Scott around and runs him into the post before hitting a clothesline and finishing with the Avalanche at 1:21.

ROYAL RUMBLE REPORT! WITH TODD!

Just announced: Razor Ramon defends the IC title against Jeff Jarrett! Undertaker faces IRS! Bret Hart has a really butch beard thanks to shooting Lonesome Dove, so he’s gonna settle things with Diesel the old-fashioned way: JAM UP IN THE ROYAL RUMBLE. Also Pam Anderson will be at this show in, uh, January, to go with the beach party theme.

Jeff Jarrett v. Scott Taylor

Young Taylor is disgusted with the shenanigans of Jarrett and the Roadie and clearly he would never stoop to dumb gimmicks himself. JJ with a BAAACK BODYDROP and he slugs Taylor down, but Taylor makes a comeback and goes to the top. Jarrett hits him right in the breadbasket and suplexes him down, and finishes with the figure-four at 1:43.

Meanwhile, Vince McMahon sits down with WWF Champion Diesel, who has a nice suit now to go with his smiling corporate image. Vince asks him the hard hitting question: Could Diesel have pinned Bret with the jackknife at King of the Ring. Diesel: “Six of one, half a dozen of the other.” How was that not the catchphrase of the new generation? Would Diesel have submitted to the Sharpshooter? Diesel: “I dunno.” SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!

Hakushi v. Reno Riggins

So Hakushi has Akio Sato of the Orient Express repacked into Shinja here, and I’m just gonna say it: He looks like just like the couch fucker. Hakushi immediately hits a pump splash for two and slugs him down before putting the boots to him. He tosses Reno and follows with a dive, and then back with a diving headbutt to finish at 2:32.

Meanwhile, coming soon is KAMA THE SUPREME FIGHTING MACHINE!

Doink the Clown v. Sonny Pruitt

We get some clown-based tomfoolery to start, but Doink misses a blind charge. Pruitt gets some offense, but Doink slams him to cut him off and finishes with a sunset flip off the top at 1:40. Did the jobber not realize he was supposed to stay down there for the Whoopie Cushion? Afterwards, the clowns hand out Christmas presents to ringsiders, which are probably $5 off coupons for the merch table, minimum purchase of $100 on any merchandise as long it’s featuring Diesel.

Shawn Michaels joins Vince and Lawler to complain about the Heartbreak Hotel getting pre-empted by the Diesel interview. And then Vince gives Lawler a present for Christmas, which is of course a Burger King crown as the big payoff for the weeks long storyline on commentary where Vince has been promising him a gift.

Oh, and Diesel leads a singalong of WWF employees because he’s hip and cool and definitely not the lowest drawing champion in the history of the company!

Next week: Owen & Anvil v. The Headshrinkers in the tag team tournament!