The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 12.17.94

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 12.17.94

Originally written 02.05.26

Yeah I know, Omni show posted by the Vault today. I’m on a bit of a time crunch, though, so we’ll just stick with a shorter show and I’ll hit the Omni one tomorrow.

Taped from Poughkeepsie, NY. We are FREE AT LAST from goddamn Bushkill PA!

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler

WWF World tag team title tournament quarterfinals: Men on a Mission v. Bam Bam Bigelow & Tatanka

Vince McMahon, hip and cool like the youths, dances with MOM to whatever Oscar is mumbling, thus increasing the teenager demographic by a good 0.001 or maybe even more! Tatanka trying to do mean guy mugging on the way to the ring is laughable, to say the least. Bigelow literally has flames tattooed on his skull and Tatanka is trying to keep up with his tough guy cred. Mo gets tossed right away, but Mabel puts Tatanka down with a clothesline and he tags out to Bam Bam. MOM works him over in the corner while Vince puts MOM over as former tag team champions, bringing up the European title reign on TV for the first time I can remember. Weird that they would pretend it didn’t happen for so long and then just suddenly bring it up. Mo works on Tatanka’s arm and that’s so exciting that we have to take a break. Back with Mo still working on the arm, so I assume they just edited a break in here. But then, in a shocking twist of fate, Mo gets taken to the heel corner and THEY work on HIS arm. But no, Mo’s wristlock prowess will not be challenged today, and he twists Bigelow’s arm again. Over to Tatanka and he misses an elbow, allowing Mo to really crank up the excitement with another armbar. Mabel comes in, but Bigelow cuts him off and suplexes him, which is fine because Mabel wasn’t showing the least bit of interest in the match anyway. Mabel and Bammer collide and Mabel lands on the floor, so Mo comes in and runs wild on Tatanka with A HIPTOSS for two. Wow, that’s his big shine? Tatanka quickly finishes him off with the End of the Trail and pins him with one finger at 8:50. So they’re off to the semi-finals. I’m off to have a nap now. ½*

Meanwhile, Charlie Minn is still employed.

IRS v. Phil Apollo

Irwin puts the boots to Phil and drops an elbow on him while a Druid hangs out in the corner, apparently bought off from the Undertaker. IRS with an abdominal stretch and then he releases it and just pins him with the Write-Off clothesline at 2:28.

ROYAL RUMBLE REPORT! WITH TODD!

We learn that Diesel will be defending his newly won WWF title against Bret Hart, and we hear from Big Kev, who does another cutesy babyface promo where he makes fun of Bret for wearing pink but still puts Bret over as a great competitor. Who came up with the idea of turning Kevin Nash babyface and taking away his shit-talking? Also, Todd excitedly announces that intervals are ONE MINUTE this year, making it the fastest-paced one ever. Can you imagine 60 second intervals these days? The guys wouldn’t even make it to the ring to finish their entrance before the next person came out. Also, Dick Murdoch is announced for the Rumble match, so we’ve got our favorite early on.

Adam Bomb v. Tony Devito

Devito tries a headlock and gets pounded as a result, and then Bomb hits him with a powerslam. Back suplex out of the corner and Bomb goes up with a flying clothesline, and then finishes with the Atom Smasher at 1:55.

Henry O. Godwinn v. Nick Barberri

It’s the debut of HOG, since there hasn’t been a hillbilly character in a while and Vince was getting antsy for one. Godwinn puts Barberri down with a clothesline and slams him in between scratching himself. Henry with a headbutt to the gut and he finishes with the Slop Drop at 1:40.

Meanwhile, we get still photos of Captain Lou taking the Headshrinkers to a barber shop and trying to civilize them.

The Heartbreak Hotel with special guest Jeff Jarrett. And Jeff debuts his new bestie, THE ROADIE, on Superstars. Astonishing that decades later 2/3 of these guys are running the WWE. Jeff gives Shawn a copy of his new CD and explains that Roadie (who doesn’t have a name aside from “The Roadie”) runs around and does stuff for him when needed. Like fetching cold beverages after matches. Shawn: “I’ve been known to enjoy a cold beverage or two after a match myself.” Jeff is so excited about challenging Razor Ramon and taking over the WWF that he decides to sing a song about it (Roadie: “CHECK, ONE, TWO!”) but then Jeff gets the signal to wrap it up from the director and has to wait for next time. Amazingly, the goofy Roadie was absolutely the secret sauce to take Jarrett from midcard goof to legit enjoyable heel act. You just never know.

The British Bulldog v. Charlie Hunter

Hunter looks like a smaller Paul Wight, and Bulldog dropkicks him and works the arm, before going to a delayed suplex. So delayed that they should call it springtime, which is apparently gonna take a while this year. Powerslam finishes at 2:14.

And Vince and Jerry wrap things up, hyping up next week’s tournament match with the Bushwhackers facing the Heavenly Bodies, and the debut of HAKUSHI. Plus Jeff Jarrett and Doink and Lex Luger and we get to hear from Diesel. Lucky us.