The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 12.10.94

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 12.10.94

Originally written 01.25.26

Taped from Bushkill, PA on 11.08.94. Good god I was hoping we’d be done with this taping already.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler

Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett is in Las Vegas, where every music executive in the business is vying for his services. It’s the Double J Sweepstakes! Time for my scorching hot take here: Although I’m no fan in particular of “choke on that slapnuts” era JJ, at least he was able to cut a promo and sound like a normal human being without (ha ha) stopping every two or three words (ha ha) to insert his stupid vocal tic. That’s what really killed me with the Double J character.

Razor Ramon v. Chris Hamrick

Razor chats with Vince in the aisle, declaring that he’s already won the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes by winning the IC title, and JJ should bring it rather than singing it. Meanwhile Vince and Lawler discuss the recent debut of a “roadie” for Jarrett, although it was taped a month before that actually happened so we don’t have details. Ramon tosses Hamrick around and hits him with the fallaway slam and abdominal stretch, and of course Hamrick is ready to be twisted up like a pretzel. We learn that Lawler has a somewhat adversial relationship with Santa Claus over the years, and Razor finishes with the Razor’s Edge at 3:12. Once again, if I had to wager $1,000,000 back in 1994 on “which current wrestlers would be running the promotion 30 years later” I don’t think I would have put any money on The Roadie.

And now, it’s the WWF World tag team title tournament! Bam Bam & Tatanka v. MOM! The Bushwhackers v. The Heavenly Bodies! The Headshrinkers v. Owen & Anvil! The Smoking Gunns v. Well Dunn! Notably, the eventual winners are not actually in the bracket at this point.

The Smoking Gunns v. Ray Hudson & The Black Phantom

The Phantom chops on Bart to start but gets taken down with armdrags. Over to Billy, who works a headlock, but the Phantom gets a DDT and puts the boots to him. Over to Hudson, with the most 1994 haircut ever, but Billy hits him with a powerslam, and the Gunns follow with the Sidewinder. And they finish with the body vice and elbowdrop combo at 3:00.

Meanwhile, on RAW, Vince McMahon introduces us to the era of DIESEL POWER, with the new WWF champion. And he quotes Jackie Gleason like all the kids love and Vince warns him about the threat of Bob Backlund. The guy Diesel beat in 8 seconds to win the title? OK then. Diesel also puts over Bret Hart, talking about he wants to be a fighting champion like Bret because Bret’s just such a great guy. THIS PROMO IS SO FUCKING LAME. Can you imagine if Hulk Hogan had gone out in 1984 and did this vanilla babyface garbage? I’m no fan, but at least “Big John Studd, Hulkamania is gonna run wild and I’m gonna slam you and drop the big leg on you” is a clear call to action that fans can understand. Also this interview was edited really weird, with shots of Diesel powerbombing guys spliced in between pauses in the narrative.

Owen Hart v. Chris Kanyon

OK well this is interesting. Vince again notes that Owen “tricked his parents” into throwing in the towel, but he specifically tricked his MOM, not Stu. Stu wasn’t buying that shit and probably would have told Backlund to cinch it in even tighter. Owen takes young Kanyon down with a wristlock and works on the arm, but Chris runs him into the corner and tries a moonsault. So that misses badly and Owen hits him with a missile dropkick, and the Sharpshooter finishes at 3:01. I was hoping for a more interesting showing from Kanyon, to be honest.

Meanwhile, HAKUSHI is coming to the WWF.

Aldo Montoya v. Ben Jordan

Aldo takes him down with a headlock and follows with a dropkick while Vince hypes the upcoming Liberty NY taping at the local high school, for Wrestling Challenge. That ended up drawing 1400 with “many freebies” according to History of WWE. Sounds about right for 1994. Jordan comes back with a back elbow, but Aldo gets a small package for two. Aldo with a clothesline and butterfly suplex, and a bulldog finishes at 3:30.

Meanwhile, Henry Godwinn shows off the slop that he feeds his hogs. And you fans are all greedy and stupid and fat, too! Just like them hogs! Masterclass in heel work here.

Tatanka v. Mike Khoury

Tatanka immediately cuts off an offensive flurry from Khoury and chops him down, then hits two FULL BODY LIFTS AND SLAMS before dropping an elbow. Tatanka whips him around the ring, but Khoury gets a bodypres for two. Tatanka chops him down again and finishes with the End of the Trail at 3:01.

Meanwhile, the Headshrinkers learn about “deodorant” and discover that it tastes delicious. Ho ho, it’s hilarious because they’re stupid and don’t understand!

Meanwhile, last Christmas, Doink receives Dink as a present from Santa. I wasn’t aware Santa made a habit of gifting human beings into clown slavery.

Doink the Clown v. Curtis Harrison

Doink works the arm, and blocks a blind charge from Harrison before dropping a knee on him. And the Whoopie Cushion finishes at 2:00. Weirdly, he had the jobber turned the opposite way, which made it look like an awkward landing.

Live Event News update: Charlie Minn is somehow still employed.

NEXT WEEK: The tag team tournament begins with Men on a Mission v. Tatanka & Bam Bam! Henry Godwinn! Adam Bomb! IRS! British Bulldog! Jeff Jarrett!

Oh my lord I’m so glad this taping is over finally.