The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 12.03.94

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 12.03.94

Originally written 01.16.26

ARE YOU READY FOR DIESEL POWER?!? Well too fucking bad cuz you’re gonna get it for the next year whether you want it or not.

Taped from Bushkill, PA on 11.08.94, drawing a massive crowd of 1500.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler

1-2-3 Kid v. The Brooklyn Brawler

Sadly, the era of Abe Knuckleball Schwartz has come to an early end and a clean shaven Lombardi is back to his old gimmick. I mean, that’s probably good because I’m a little bit bitter about the Mets today. About $140 million over three years bitter. Brawler hits the Kid with chops on the ropes, but Kid puts him down with kicks and hits the legdrop. Brawler drops Kid on the top rope and puts him on the floor with a baseball slide, as Lawler questions why Brawler didn’t get a title shot in MSG instead of Diesel. Yeah right, as if Brooklyn Brawler would ever get a shot at the WWF title in MSG in our lifetime. Kid comes back with kicks in the corner and a BAAAAAACK BODY DROP before slugging away on Lombardi. Brawler puts him down and goes to the top, but Kid slams him off and finishes with La Majastral at 3:30.

SURVIVOR SERIES REPORT! WITH TODD!

We take a look back at Backlund winning the WWF title from Bret Hart at Survivor Series with help from Owen Hart and his deceitful ways. The idea of Stu Hart throwing in the towel for Bret is frankly ridiculous. Stu used to torture his kids for hours in the Dungeon to toughen them up. He was probably out there giving Backlund tips to cinch in the chickenwing even tighter! Also we take a look at the breakup of Shawn and Diesel, as Shawn vows to never hire a bodyguard again or take another tag team partner. So we go back to MSG last week, as Mr. Bob Backlund defended the belt against new #1 contender Diesel.

WWF title: Mr. Bob Backlund v. Diesel

Indeed, Diesel squashes Bob in 8 seconds and pins him with the Poochiebomb to win the belt.

So then a broken and dejected Backlund does a promo from a curtained off area, complaining that he went to shake Diesel’s hand for a sportsman’s contest and Diesel kicked him with a cheapshot and pinned him. HE KNOWS ABOUT THE BUREACRACY IN THE WWF! Rematches must be given and chickenwings will be procured! And then we get a goofy promo from Diesel, who calls him “Bobby Boy” and declares that he’s the leader of the New Generation now. And he calls Bob “Forrest Gump” and says Bob can study all he wants in school, but he’s still a genetic wonder and Professor Diesel has given Bob an F and kicked him out of school. Oh my god what a lame promo. The belt did look good on him, though.

King Kong Bundy v. Jason Arhndt

Bundy beats Jason down for two as we get some kid holding up LJN figures of Bundy and Dibiase. Pursuant to our discussion of those figures earlier this week, I of course had both of them, and I always quite liked the Dibiase one despite him having to work matches in his tuxedo. But the arm placement was good for doing elbowdrops and suplexes and all kinds of stuff. Bundy finishes with the Avalanche at 2:10, and he has to do his own five count. A five count? In THIS economy?

Meanwhile, HAKUSHI is coming to the WWF!

The Bushwhackers v. JS Storm & Tracy Caddell

Storm works on Butch in the corner to start while Vince hypes up the upcoming RAW tapings at LIBERTY HIGH SCHOOL in New York, and the Whackers quickly whack Storm with the battering ram at 1:30. This match was most notable for the girl doing the ring announcing getting called “a future gym teacher” by Lawler.

Meanwhile, in Tokyo, Alundra Blayze defends the WWF Women’s title against Bull Nakano and LOSES it, like a LOSER. And then she blames being in Japan because Nakano had the home advantage. And her holiday wish is to help a bunch of Make-A-Wish kids. I’m not sure why any dying kids would want to have their wish granted by a whining loser like her, but whatever, it’s their wish to waste.

Jim Neidhart v. Jason Harvey

Anvil tosses the skinny little geek Harvey out of the ring for a crazy bump on the floor and beats on him outside, as the kid’s name might actually be Jeff Harvey and not Jason Harvey. Back in the ring for a faceplant and Anvil tosses young Harvey with a biel, as this Harvey kid is taking really big bumps for a TV jobber. And the camel clutch finishes Jeff Harvey at 2:00. Maybe he should try tag team wrestling instead.

Meanwhile, Henry Godwinn calls us fans lazy, just like his hogs, who are also fat and lazy. Yeah, well, that’s just like your opinion, man.

Duke Droese v. The Black Phantom

Droese slams the Phantom and dropkicks him to set up a backdrop. Duke drops an elbow on his back and bearhugs him into the corner before clotheslining him down again. Duke with a spinebuster and trash compactor to finish at 2:46. If only he had put certain pictures into his computer’s trash can and emptied THAT.

Meanwhile, an Italian mobster REALLY wants to watch Monday Night RAW and is very displeased when the restaurant doesn’t have cable TV.

NEXT WEEK: Razor Ramon! Owen Hart! Bob Backlund on the Heartbreak Hotel!

These tapings are awful but at least there’s only a couple of weeks left in 1994 and then I can be finished with it.