The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 11.24.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 11.24.96

So the WWE Network is apparently gone for good for me, with them suddenly blocking all the VPNs and removing Paypal as a payment option. This pretty much ruined my reviewing plans tonight, so let’s hit another 1996 Superstars since I did all those in a marathon session a few weeks back.

Taped from Springfield, MA on 11.19.96, drawing 5200

Your hosts are Jim Ross & Jim Cornette

Bart Gunn v. Steve Austin

So it’s the week after Survivor Series and shit is getting real for Steve Austin now. The announcers run down the lineup for this show and it’s like a nightmare of New Generation bullshit. They trade hammerlocks on the mat to start and Austin slugs out of that, but Bart takes him down and works on the arm some more. The crowd wants Bret as they do a test of strength and Austin puts the boots to him, but misses a blind charge. Bart takes him down with a headlock, but Austin gets a knee to the gut and goes up with the elbowdrop, and then takes him down with a chinlock while Billy wanders out to carry on his feud with his brother. Bart makes a comeback, but turns around to deal with Billy and it’s KICK WHAM STUNNER to finish at 6:14. Idiot. Billy comes in to laugh at Bart, so Austin gives him some of that DTA action and leaves both Gunn losers laying.

Flash Funk v. Brian Walsh

JR lies and notes that the building is filled to the rafters and turning people away at the doors, when actually the paid was only about 3400 for this taping. Also JR clarifies that Flash is NOT related to the more famous Funk family from Texas as Flash tosses Walsh and follows with a tope. Back in for the FUNK FLASH SPLASH to finish at 1:51. This was fine but basically felt like tossing out 3 years of character development for Scorpio and going back to square one with him.

Meanwhile, Bob Backlund and the Sheik rant about the Sultan.

The Headbangers v. Aldo Montoya & Alex Porteau

So the Headbangers transition to their final form after doing jobs under their real name for a few years and occasionally working as the Spiders. The Pug and the Jellyfish double-team Thrasher while JR buries Aldo and his jock strap and Cornette talks about “the heavy metal concerts” that the Headbangers attend, such as Marilyn Manson. Real big “Hello fellow kids” energy here. Bangers double-team Aldo and Mosh hits him with the corner splash while JR reminds us that this is a CAPACITY CROWD and not an amusement park or bingo hall. Again, not a capacity crowd, that’s a lie. If anything the bingo hall is far more impressive as far as a capacity crowd goes. Because it was literally FILLED TO CAPACITY. Bangers continue to double-team Aldo, but he fights back with an enzuigiri and makes the hot tag to Porteau, who dropkicks them but falls victim to the Banger’s shitty Stage Dive finisher at 4:55. I still can’t believe these jabronis ended up as tag team champions even for a month.

Meanwhile, at the press conference for the Royal Rumble, Bret Hart thinks he’s gonna be WWF Champion by the time they get to the show and he’ll be honored to defend the title against Shawn Michaels and beat him in his hometown. Oh Bret, you scamp. Hopefully that confidence doesn’t come back to bite you in any notable ways.

Meanwhile on RAW, Sid does his first promo as WWF champion.

Meanwhile, Jesse Jammes is gonna fight the Sultan, who is from the Middle East, just like where Jammes fought as a Marine! Man they’re all over the place with this fucking guy’s gimmick.

KARATE FIGHTERS TOURNAMENT ROUND ONE!

This week we’ve got Mr. Bob Backlund v. Sunny, but Backlund wasn’t ready and loses.

The Godwinns v. Nick Barberry & Roy Raymond

Commentary is muted out for the first little bit for some reason. The Godwinns double-team Raymond’s arm while JR notes that Sunny still can’t cook biscuits. She sure offered to cook some for JR, apparently. PIG slams HOG on Barberry and Henry finishes with the Slop Drop at 1:45.

Meanwhile, various Hall of Famers talk about young Rocky Maivia and his potential future in the business. Crazy that even the loftiest overblown predictions would have still fallen short of reality.

Jesse Jammes v. The Sultan

Jammes singing the stupid fucking song on the way to the ring was NOT the way to get him over as any more than a curtain jerking geek. If anything they should have leaned harder into the jarhead angle. He slugs away on the Sultan, but gets bumped into the corner and starts a USA chant to motivate himself again. He’s a patriot! And a Marine! And a country singer! And formerly a Roadie! Jammes misses a blind charge and we take a break and return with Sultan getting two. Sultan beats on him with headbutts in the corner, but misses a blind charge and that allows Jammes to do his dancing and make a comeback. WHO IS THIS GIMMICK FOR? Sultan with a backbreaker to set up the camel clutch, but he takes too long and JJ dropkicks him out of the ring. They fight on the floor, but Sultan runs him into the post and then chokes him around the post until the ref rings the bell and DQ’s him at 4:40 in an incredible combination of some of the worst finishes humanly possible. That really does take talent to book a finish so shitty.

Man there was some BAD thought processes on display here.