The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 11.10.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 11.10.96

RIP George Foreman.

OK so I’m basically done with 1996 Superstars because the last ones were all written in a marathon session of pain last week and now I’ve just got a couple of them left for the year. Spoiler: Lots of Aldo Montoya and Billy Gunn still to come. Anyway, I may or may not have the complete collection of WWF Superstars from the 1986 debut all the way until the 1997 finale now in my possession, so I’ve got lots of ways to go from here. Previously I would have balked at that approach because I only wanted to cover what the WWE Network was posting, but now, screw it. All bets are off.

First priority is finishing up 1992 next, because the WWE Network version starts with the change from “Of Wrestling” in April of 1992 and that leaves January-March that needs to be done. So after THAT I’ve got three options as I see it:

Start from the beginning in September 1986.

Grit my teeth and finish 1994 once and for all (Aug-Dec still left)

Bounce around like a madman doing what I want until I get bored.

Either way, first up is finishing 96, and then we go back to January 1992 to get that year completed. Those are the non-negotiable terms at the moment. After that, we’ve got a lot of Superstars to cover.

Taped from Cincinnati, OH on 10.22.96 and OH BOY are there some challenges now. Mr. Perfect walked out on the company the night before this show aired, so they had to hastily redub commentary with Jim Cornette in his place and edit around shots of him doing commentary in the arena. It’s such an awkward situation that you’d think it would have been easier to just do new tapings and be done with it, but I guess they only had a day’s notice.

Your hosts are Jim Ross & Jim Cornette

Bart Gunn & Freddie Joe Floyd v. Billy Gunn & TL Hopper

So the Gunns have officially split as of last week’s RAW and this is apparently the best that either guy can come up with for replacements. It’s like a wacky sitcom plot where Ross and Rachel compete to see who can come up with the worst date to spite the other person. The babyface side works on Hopper while JR rants about wrestling plumbers. Floyd with a jawjacker elbow on Hopper for two, but TL puts him down and Billy comes in for the showdown with Bart. Maybe they should have a BOXING MATCH to settle things! JR notes that over a million people downloaded Sunny’s pictures on AOL, which proves that “a lot of pimply faced 13 year old boys have computers”. Really swinging at the low hanging fruit there. Back to the plumber v. hick clash as Freddie takes a cheapshot and plays face in peril and we take a break from this excitement. Back with Billy hitting a bulldog on Freddie and Hopper gets the big boot for two. Granted they aren’t real brothers, but the Gunn breakup probably had the least amount of heat for any “family” feud situation I can recall. Like they both descended to jobbing duty in record time and it’s honestly a miracle that Billy was able to be reheated by the Outlaws. Hopper misses a splash and Bart gets a “hot” tag and powerslams Hopper for two. It’s BONZO GONZO and the faces hit Hopper with a double dropkick for the pin at 6:43. Well I guess someone had to win. Billy offers a truce afterwards (Cornette: “Ugh, I hate to see sportsmanship like that”) and then turns on his brother yet again and beats up Hopper and Floyd as well. Quite the start for Billy’s singles push.

KARATE FIGHTERS TOURNAMENT! ROUND ONE!

Tony Khan wishes he could book this kind of tournament for the sickos. This week it’s Sid v. Marlena, which is a squash win for Sid.

HALL OF FAME 1996! This week’s inductions are Killer Kowalski and The Valiant Brothers. Hey, speaking of fake brother teams!

Meanwhile, at a house show in Milwaukee, Undertaker shows up to interrupt a Mankind promo and has a dummy of Paul Bearer hanging in a cage.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley v. Alex Porteau

Perfect is in Hunter’s corner for this, which they couldn’t edit around, so I’m guessing this would mark Perfect’s last appearance on WWF TV for a very long time. The Pug takes him down and works a hammerlock, but misses a dropkick and Hunter puts the boots to him and slugs away in the corner. Hunter with the kneedrop while Marc Mero does a fired up promo for their Survivor Series match, although the match was less than fired up once it happened. Hunter with the high knee and Pedigree to finish at 2:30.

Meanwhile we get some wacky shenanigans at the Pillman home, as Pillman pulls out some kind of object that is blurred here but seems vaguely gun-like. JR assures that this footage will NEVER be seen again on WWF TV and no blame should go to the USA Network for airing it. And yet they JUST SHOWED IT in an effort to get ratings, so that kind of undermines the “apology”.

Meanwhile, we meet this Rocky Maivia kid, who is 110% committed to making his own name and succeeding on his own talent. JR thinks he might be the future of the WWF, but that sounds like hyperbole to me.

The Sultan v. David Haskins

Now the Sultan, THERE’S the future of the WWF. Or maybe his kids. Sultan with a belly to belly for two and he picks up Haskins and puts him in a Boston crab. JR and Cornette talk about the Evander Holyfield-Mike Tyson fight from the night before as they play WHAT’S IN THE NEWS to show how live we are, tying it in with Hart-Austin as Bret is apparently Holyfield in this scenario. Sultan finishes with the camel clutch at 2:20.

Shawn Michaels v. Salvatore Sincere

I was hoping that this was a title match so we could unify the WWF and AWF World titles, but sadly Shawn doesn’t have the GUTS to put his belt on the line against the best Paul Alperstein can offer. Shawn gets thrown out and skins the cat back in while we get an inset promo from Sid, who Cornette calls “Mr. Sycho” and I’m assuming reads line originally done by Perfect. Sal slams Shawn and drops an elbow out of the corner as we take a break and learn about WWF Full Metal The Album. AVAILABLE AT K-MART! Back with Sincere apparently wrestling “the match of his life” in a sad indictment of both his career and his life if true. Northern lights suplex gets two. Shawn comes back with a crossbody for two, but Sincere hits him with a clothesline and stops to do the Macarena so we know it’s 1996. This allows JR to take a shot at the competition as he notes that Shawn ran “some big guys twice his size out of the WWF”. GOT ‘EM! This is somewhat undermined by the company desperately trying to re-use those gimmicks on other people, but I appreciate the moxie. Shawn makes the comeback and drops the flying elbow and finishes with the superkick at 7:00. I wouldn’t call it the match of his life but this was a good showing for Sincere that didn’t lead to anything further for him. ***

Actually a decent episode this week.