The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 11.03.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 11.03.96

The sound for this one is HELLA messed up, and it has a “presented in the most complete form possible” warning as a result.

Taped from Cincinnati, OH, on 10.22.96

Your hosts are Jim Ross & Mr. Perfect

“Razor Ramon” & “Diesel” v. Aldo Montoya & Barry Horowitz

Diesel slams Horowitz and puts the boots to him, but the babyface jobbers double-team Razor with a double dropkick. Over to Diesel again and he beats Aldo down and hits him with a sideslam. Over to Horowitz, but Diesel puts him down with a big boot and finishes with the Dental-bomb at 4:00.

Meanwhile, Steve Austin outs Vince McMahon as the real power behind the WWF and calls him a “greedy and selfish promoter” who doesn’t want Austin to face his meal ticket, Bret Hart. So Bret does his reply via split screen, but an intern is counting down Steve Austin to end the segment and Austin freaks out because NO ONE COUNTS HIM DOWN, SON, and he beats the shit out of the poor guy.

Double J Jesse Jammes v. (Yup, you guessed it) Frank Stiletto

Apparently you can buy “With My Baby Tonight” on something called a “CD”, whatever the fuck THAT is. Is that like a vinyl record? Jammes controls Frank with armdrags and does his stupid Elvis dance before booting him down and doing a strut. Jammes with some legdrops and a big boot, and then he finishes with a pumphandle slam at 3:00. Atrocious debut for the former Roadie, who basically wrestled like a clown and didn’t show any of the charisma he would later develop as Road Dogg.

Meanwhile, we get a historic black and white promo from Steve Austin, who rants in what looks like an abandoned warehouse in a style that would later define the Attitude era.

Stone Cold Steve Austin v. Tom Mores

Brian Pillman joins us on the phone, hyping up the episode of RAW that would air an hour earlier for the first time, and Brian promises that if Austin goes to the house, Brian will have a 9mm welcoming committee for him. I’m sure that will go just fine. Austin works on Mores’ back and goes to a half crab in the meantime, and goes up with a middle rope elbow for two. Stone Cold Stunner finishes at 3:00.

Bret Hart joins us from the WWF Studios, talking about his comeback with Jim Ross. Bret puts Austin over as the best in the world and wats to be able to “go downhill” after he beats Austin, and talks about using Austin as a stepping stone to Shawn Michaels and winning back the title he never really lost in the first place. Boy if Bret thought THAT loss to Shawn was unfair, just wait…

Crush v. Bruno Taylor

Crush beats Bruno down as we see that a fan in the aisle actually took the time to make a sign that just says “JAIL” and I’m assuming that’s supposed to be enough to enrage Crush. Seems pretty low effort to me. Crush with a powerslam and backbreaker while Clarence Mason joins us on commentary and JR has to feed him his lines about suing everyone. Crush finishes with the heart punch at 1:40. I wonder if Mason had any contacts in insurance fraud law? Perfect could have used him. Update: It turns out that “Jail” was only half of the message, as the person was sitting with someone who had a “BIRD” sign, which I’m assuming was put together as “Bird Jail” in a protest against inhumane conditions in pet stores.

Meanwhile, on RAW, Shawn defends the title against British Bulldog and Owen Hart runs in for the DQ. Sid makes the save, as we wonder if Sid and Shawn Michaels can get along in advance of their title match where they try to beat each other up.

Goldust v. Marc Mero

Goldust is still doing promos about the Stalker where it sounds like he’s trying to seduce him. Goldust slugs away to start, but Mero backdrops him and goes after the arm. Goldust charges and powerslams Mero, but Mero gets a crossbody for two while Mr. Perfect leaves commentary (and never returns!) and goes to put the moves on Sable at ringside while Mero hits a moonsault on Goldust. So then Hunter and Stalker both run in for the double DQ at 1:50. Aside from making me think that Helmsley and Windham should have teamed up as Hunter & Stalker, this was a whole lot of nothing.

Bret and Austin are CLEARLY the only worthwhile things about the show at this point, although Mr. Perfect is pretty good in his role as…oh, what’s that? Never mind I guess.