The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 11.02.91

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 11.02.91

Taped from Wheeling, WV on 09.30.91

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Randy Savage & Rowdy Roddy Piper, paying tribute to the birthplace of aspirin this week. Seems that Jack Tunney has denied Savage’s reinstatement again, so he needs some pain relief.

Col. Mustafa v. Sid Justice

Like seriously, if Sheiky Baby was still collecting a payday, why not do a tag match with Slaughter where they turn on him to actually give fans a reason to cheer for Sarge? Also, what do Danielle Smith and Vince McMahon have in common? Their favorite word is “Notwithstanding”. That’s a very specifically targeted joke, granted, but if you know, you know. Sid pins and humbles Mustafa in 0:30 and then powerbombs Adnan as well, and I’m thinking that must have written them both out of the WWF, but no, Sheiky was kicking around until May of 1992 doing jobs on house shows to Slaughter and others.

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE! BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE WBF CHAMPIONSHIP ON COLISEUM VIDEO!

Let us take you back to Piper on the Funeral Parlor a couple of months ago, where Piper gives the Big Gold Belt a nice SPIT SHINE and incurs the wrath of Ric Flair. And then a couple of weeks later, Flair debuted on Superstars and it resulted in a donnybrook where Vince took a wicked chairshot from Piper by accident.

This week in 1991 commercials: Dr. Mario for the NES. In addition to the game being an absolute banger, I would still trust the medical opinion of Dr. Mario more than anything RFK Jr. vouched for.

Big Bossman v. Bruce Mitchell

Did the Pro Wrestling Torch do something to annoy Vince McMahon this week? Bossman tosses Mitchell and then throws him back in for more shots, and the big boot follows. We also get an inset promo from him about IRS to remind us of the ongoing feud. He chokes out Bruce and finishes with the Bossman slam at 1:50. Vince also clarifies that Bossman is “deathly afraid of snakes”, which might put him at a disadvantage at Survivor Series while opposing Jake Roberts. Pretty sure that’s a slanderous misrepresentation, since I’ve never heard that about him before.

Meanwhile, Sgt. Slaughter is visiting the start of the War of Independence and whining about wanting his country back.

The Nasty Boys v. Jim Arnon & Chris Hahn

Vince’s stance on Sgt. Slaughter has softened, saying that everyone at the announce desk has made mistakes in the past. Yeah but they didn’t commit LITERAL GODDAMN TREASON and burn the American flag while pledging allegiance to an enemy combatant! That’s not really a “Whoops, my bad” you can come back from. Nasties double-team Hahn in the corner and give him the Pit Stop before Knobbs flings himself into the corner with a splash that somehow almost misses. And the Shitty Elbow from Sags finishes at 2:30 as these guys are pretty much done as contenders already and probably should have started calling Ted Turner. Like we’re barely past the Summerslam taping cycle and they’ve already been passed over for title shots by the Natural Disasters.

Meanwhile, the Event Center for the November 30 MSG show actually spoils the upcoming angle on this show, which is the kind of thing they didn’t do often.

The Legion of Doom v. Brian Costello & Peter Weeks

Animal dropkicks Weeks and he’s so bad that they bring Costello in right away to destroy him instead, as Hawk hits him with a press slam and standing neckbreaker. Back to Animal for the powerslam and the Doomsday Device finishes at 2:13.

The Funeral Parlor with special guest The Undertaker. I was hoping for a fair and nuanced interview here but it turns out to be a propaganda piece for Undertaker. Anyway, at Survivor Series, Undertaker promises to not only take Hogan’s title, but also his soul. Pretty sure that was already sold to someone else a while ago.

This week in 1991 commercials: Nintendo has some new system called “The Super Nintendo” with some new game called “Super Mario World”. Also we learn that drinking milk helps you with your bullying issues. Remember the 80s when about 25% of commercials were just for basic food groups? Like “Drink Milk!” or “Eat Pork!” or “Breathe Oxygen!” What if I don’t LIKE pork? FUCK YOU BIG PORK!

SURVIVOR SERIES REPORT! WITH MEAN GENE!

We get the previously announced matches, plus NEW ones such as Jim Duggan, Jim Neidhart, Ricky Steamboat & Kerry Von Erich v. Col Mustafa, The Berzerker, Big Bully & Skinner. For those keeping track, three people in this match got replaced by the time of the show. Plus the Rock & Wack Connection v. The Nasty Bevs.

This week in 1991 commercials: Who wants that Super Nintendo crap? You want SEGA GENESIS, which has Streets of Rage and other stuff that Nintendo wishes it could do! Man I’m so torn now.

Bret Hart v. The Mountie

This is a non-title match, because can you even imagine the Mountie as IC champion? Come on. COME ON. Jimmy Hart brings an ominous covered device and puts it under the ring, and then Mountie cuts a promo on Bret, demanding to know why it’s not a title match. He of course accuses Bret of being a GUTLESS COWARD, but Bret notes that he could never give a title match to a jailbird. So Jim reveals that he has a bucket of water under the cover, and splashes it on Bret, before Mountie gives him the cattle prod and presumably electrocutes him to death on live TV. I actually tried to ask ChatGPT what the presumed result of such an attack would be, but it completely wussed out and kept saying that it wasn’t able to discuss causing real harm to someone and offered me non-violent counselling services instead. But regardless, Bret would probably have suffered a heart attack and died judging by the dramatic ZZZZZZAP sound effects overdubbed here. I’ll check with Dr. Mario for more clarification. Like if AI can’t even help me destroy my enemies with a comically oversized shock stick, then how is it gonna take over the world like Terminator promised?

NEXT WEEK: Jim Neidhart v. Ric Flair! Virgil! Bret Hart may or may not be alive and we’ll find out which one!

Also, next week we move to the set of tapings that gives us one of the biggest and best angles of the year, if not the best full stop, so I’m pretty pumped to get there.