The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 10.20.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 10.20.96

Mostly taped from State College, PA, on 09.24.96, drawing 3100. Plus it’s a PPV weekend so get “live” cut-ins as well.

Your hosts are Jim Ross & Mr. Perfect

Hunter Hearst Helmsley v. Julio Sanchez

Hunter gets all distracted by Mr. Perfect at the desk, and Sanchez rolls him up for two and gets a bit of offense before Hunter drops him with a backbreaker. Perfect continues doing running commentary over the PA while Hunter puts the boots to him in the corner and follows with a high knee. Perfect points out that the move would never work on him, and then hits a delayed suplex, so delayed they should call it Demolition’s Hall of Fame induction, and they continue talking trash at each other. “The only thing impressive about you is the size of your NOSE”. Hunter beats on him with elbows in the corner and goes for the Pedigree, but then he changes his mind and goes to deal with his arm candy instead, which prompts Perfect to go steal her into the crowd. Meanwhile Sanchez makes another comeback with a high cross for two, but Hunter finishes with the Pedigree at 4:05. A very entertaining squash with a story to lead up to the Hunter v. Perfect match on RAW that didn’t actually happen and never would. Julio went on to some small success as Julio Dinero and then Julio Fantastico later on.

Meanwhile, we keep hearing from Jesse Jammes about the stupid goddamn song that no one cares about anymore.

Meanwhile, Steve Austin rants on Livewire and continues trashing Mr. Perfect in another bit that went nowhere for reasons we all know about.

Goldust v. Alex “The Pug” Porteau

Goldust fondles the Pug in the corner while “Razor” watches from the back in a pointless cameo. And speaking of pointless, the Stalker watches from the entryway, carrying on another storyline from last week that went nowhere. Unless they had a match on this show coming up, who the hell knows. Curtain Call finishes at 3:00.

Well slap me silly and call me Susan, they DID have a match, on the infamous Gun Episode of RAW, and in fact it was the backdrop for the initial part of the angle. But that was it for the “feud” and they only had the one match that ended in a double DQ and they pretty much gave up on the Stalker gimmick for good after that.

Meanwhile, Mankind does another crazed promo from the graveyard, apparently in the pouring rain.

The Man They Call Vader v. John Crystal

Crystal tries to take a run at Vader and bounces off him like a ping pong ball, and Vader hits him with the inverted powerbomb and then finishes with the normal powerbomb and a Vaderbomb that turns into a full moonsault to finish at 2:11.

Meanwhile, in Indianapolis, Kevin Kelly interviews Sid, who clarifies that he wasn’t born with the name Sycho Sid, but before we can get further information on the subject, the commercial break cuts him off.

Jake Roberts v. Marty Garner

Shirtless Jake continues to look rough as he beats on Garner in the corner and we take a random break with no warning. Nothing was cut, though, so whatever. Jake with a sleeper and he releases after two arm drops, and then wakes him up and puts him away with the DDT at 2:07. This was weird, as Jake was wrestling like a heel and acting all bored and listless.

The Sultan v. Barry Horowitz

This feels like it would make for uncomfortable conversation on Twitter if it were to be held today. Sultan beats him down with headbutts while JR tries to steer color commentator Bob Backlund into plugging the PPV and Bob has no fucking idea what they’re talking about. Bob notes that he can’t hear properly without his glasses and makes a comment about how it’s dark at night, and JR notes that it’s Sunday morning. This is so weird. Sultan finishes with the camel clutch at 2:25 as the trainwreck crashes into the station with no survivors.

Meanwhile, in Indianapolis, Marc Mero talks about his upcoming match with Faarooq for the IC title at the PPV in a couple of hours. So this is kind of shitty of them, because they’re clearly advertising a match that they would have known by then wasn’t happening, unless Faarooq’s injury was some kind of game time surprise that he just sprung on them. Not that anyone was buying the show for that crappy match but would it have killed them to just say “Faarooq is injured and he’ll be defending the title against Goldust instead”?

Razor Ramon v. Bob Holly

So now we’re back to JR going on rants about clowns again, while Fake Razor wrestles the race car driver. Razor overpowers him, but Bob slugs him back into the corner. Razor with a knee to the gut and he flails with punches in the corner, not even doing the basic mannerisms of Scott Hall with any degree of competence. We take a break and return with Razor hitting a back suplex and going to a chinlock, but Bob cradles for two. Razor with a fallaway slam, but Holly fights back with an atomic drop and the dropkick for two. Bob with a rana for two. Bob goes up and Razor crotches him while JR bitches about Vince’s play by play and the owner hiring himself to be lead guy on commentary. “I know all about that, I used to work for the Gagnes” notes Perfect to further egg him on. Razor comes back with the back suplex off the middle rope and finishes with the Razor’s Edge at 6:03. More like a Butter Knife’s Edge considering how dull this guy was. His literal ONE JOB was to do a convincing imitation of Scott Hall and he could barely even do that.

A laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame episode of Superstars to set up a mediocre PPV that no one bought. The RAW from the next night is an all-timer at least but we’re still a ways from the light at the end of the tunnel here. We’re only one taping cycle in and Vince is already losing interest in this new version of the show.

Next week: Something DOES finally happen and that’s about it for anything ever happening on Superstars again. Tune in, won’t you?