The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 10.08.94

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 10.08.94

Originally written 10.05.25

So was Abe Knuckleball Schwartz pitching for the Yankees this weekend or what?

Look I don’t like this 1994 stuff any more than you do, but if I just do 1991 Superstars every day you’ll get spoiled and think you deserve nice things and don’t have to suffer with me. But we’re at least getting close to Diesel Power and some notable stuff happening and I want to finish off the year so I can say it’s done at least.

Taped from Green Bay, WI, on 08.31.94 as they’re really stretching this one out.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler

Bam Bam Bigelow v. Duke Droese

So now apparently we’ve learned that Duke turned out to a garbage human being in addition to being a garbageman. Duke slugs away in the corner while reminds us that Lawler got “squirted” by Doink a few weeks back. Nothing worse than getting squirted by some clown. Bigelow sends him to the floor and beats on him out there to take over. Back in with a headbutt for two. Bigelow chokes him out on the ropes and a snap suplex gets two. Bam Bam with a kneelift while Lawler notes that Dibiase is so cultured that he eats at “Kentucky Fried Pheasant”. Vince doesn’t even dignify that attempt with a fake laugh. Duke comes back with a powerslam and legdrop for two, but Dibiase takes the ref and Droese misses a charge, allowing Bigelow to get a rollup for the pin at 5:00. This was pretty lethargic stuff. *

Last week on RAW: British Bulldog faces Jim Neidhart, but Owen Hart interferes one time too many and Bret Hart has to come out to take care of business.

The British Bulldog v. Ben Jordan

Bulldog with a delayed suplex, so delayed they should call it the end of these stupid tapings in Green Bay, and he follows with a double underhook suplex. Bulldog beats on Jordan and goes to a chinlock, and then hits Jordan with a corner clothesline and finishes with the running powerslam at 1:50.

The Heartbreak Hotel with special guest Mr. Bob Backlund. Shawn immediately offends Bob by omitting the “Mr.” and calling him “former” WWF champion. So Shawn apologizes and points out that Bret Hart is the only currently recognized WWF champion. But Bob notes that throwing in the towel is not a recognized way to win the WWF title, and he was ostracized and has been waiting assiduously since then. Shawn wants to party with Bob, but Bob is also kind of low key disgusted by Shawn and Diesel and issues a challenge to Bret Hart for another title shot. Big Kev making faces in the background is tremendous.

Jeff Jarrrett v. Billy Joe Eaton

Eaton misses a bodypress and Jarrett slugs him down, but he comes back with a sunset flip for two. So apparently Jeff is doing album reviews in the WWF magazine, with the most recent one being Stone Temple Pilots’ “Purple”. What a weird collision of pop culture from the time. Jeff finishes with a figure-four at 2:11.

Meanwhile, Undertaker is still talking shit about Yokozuna. I guess we’re just never gonna talk about that second Undertaker ever again, huh?

Meanwhile, baseball might be on strike, but the MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE never is. Well I mean he left for the other promotion pretty much right after this but at least he never went on strike.

The Headshrinkers v. Barry Horowitz & Ron Higgins

So once again taping 17 weeks or so in advance rears its ugly head, as Lou Albano had introduced Sionne as the replacement for Samu on RAW, but since was taped a month and a half ago, Samu is still around and Vince calls it “playing headgames with Shawn & Diesel”. Also the official reason for Samu getting written out is “coming down with food poisoning from eating bad fish” for those keeping track. Fatu hits Barry with a backbreaker and goes up for something, but Albano tells him to come back down for some reason. Over to Higgins, but he walks into a superkick and their hit him with the double faceplant and flying Fatu splash at 2:35. So this was of course leading to the stupid angle where Lou made them wear boots and they were too stupid to understand how footwear worked.

Meanwhile, the ACTION ZONE is coming October 23. They promise no boring talk like the NFL shows, which is hilarious considering what their current PPV pre-shows have become.

King Kong Bundy v. Mitch Bishop

Bundy beats on Bishop while I have to hear about Trump buying buildings on a 1994 show now. I can’t escape this fucker in any decade. Bundy with the Avalanche to finish at 1:18. For a guy gone for nearly a decade this was a pretty low energy return.

Meanwhile, we get a clip from Ed Wood for some reason. It was George Steele playing Tor Johnson in the clip, but Vince never acknowledged that for whatever reason.

And we return from break with Doink on the big screen, taunting Jerry Lawler and then magically slipping a pie on his chair so that LAWLER SITS ON A CREAM PIE! OH MY SIDES ARE SPLITTING FROM HILARITY!

Next week: Who the fuck knows? Every week is an adventure. At least I’m pretty sure it’s from a fresh taping next time.