The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 10.06.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 10.06.96

Taped from State College, PA, on 09.24.96, drawing 3100.

Your hosts are Jim Ross & Mr. Perfect with special guest Brian Pillman

Zip of the Bodydonnas v. Stone Cold Steve Austin

Austin works the arm and they trade hammerlocks while Pillman declares Bret Hart’s career OVER thanks to his good friend Steve Austin, because Bret is clearly scared to return to the WWF and face Steve. Austin takes Zip down with a snapmare and drops the elbow off the middle rope. Zip with an inside cradle for two while Pillman debates Jim Ross on what “wins” and “losses” really are anyway, especially when he doesn’t like the results. Austin with a suplex while the bored crowd chants for various things and people and Austin goes to the chinlock. Zip fights out of the chinlock and gets a bodypress for two as we take a break. For THIS match? Back with Austin running Zip into the corner and I guess the announcers must be in the building because the drunk bros in the front row are chanting for Perfect now. Drunk hooligans in Pennsylvania? Perish the thought. Zip misses a blind charge and Austin drops elbows on him and mercifully finishes with the STONE COLD STUNNER at 5:44. Dogshit match, neither guy gave a crap here. DUD

Meanwhile, Mankind is digging a grave for Undertaker.

Salvatore Sincere v. Jake Roberts

Jake has decided to go shirtless again and Perfect, bless his heart, immediately buries him six feet under for his physique. Sincere takes him to the corner for the lockup and gives him a couple of kisses to show his friendship, but Jake tries for the DDT and Sal escapes. “Look at his gut, he’s blown up already!” notes Perfect. I sense people were losing patience with Jake and trying to get him to quit at this point. Sal escapes another DDT and gets a cheapshot on Jake to take over while JR tells a bitter story about Vince showing up at the Cauliflower Alley Club with “15 or 20 of his corporate buttkissers” and then notes “I heard one of them even said they loved Vince!” This show is getting weirder and more inside baseball by the week. We take a break (WHAT? WHY?) and return with Sincere continuing to slug away on Jake while JR goes onto another rant about how Vince wanted to keep him off TV because of his looks, “even though Vince isn’t exactly Fabio himself”. Sincere finally misses a blind charge and Jake puts him away with the DDT at 4:30. I can’t believe this guy still stuck around until 1997. Doing these star v. “star” matches are so pointless and just feels like stretching out squashes for two segments.

Meanwhile, Undertaker is also digging a grave. It’s like a Tiktok trend or something.

Wildo & Ingus Jynx v. The Grimm Twins (Jason & Jared)

What the actual fuck am I watching here. So the Grimm Twins are a short-lived repackage of the Harris Brothers that went nowhere. Without checking I’m assuming the colorfully attired Jynx brothers are the Hardy Boyz under masks. The Jynx brothers try a double dropkick, but they get quickly destroyed with a tilt-a-whirl slam and various sideslams. Given the ragdoll selling from the guy with the green wig I’m assuming that’s Jeff. Double chokeslam finishes Wildo Jynx at 2:24. Yup, this was a Harris Brothers squash all right. I don’t what the fuck was with the ridiculous names and outfits on the Hardyz.

Meanwhile, Hunter Hearst Helmsley lays out a challenge to Mr. Perfect as his snooty accent mysteriously disappears, and he starts referring to himself as “Triple H”.

Meanwhile on RAW, Vader pins Shawn Michaels in a tag team match, setting up (checks notes) absolutely nothing.

Sunny joins Kevin Kelly as “I Know You Want Me” is overdubbed with Rick Rude’s stripper theme in haphazard manner by the Network. She reveals a giant photo of herself from the rafters, which would be helpful for her these days so she can hang it up on her cell wall and dig out like the Shawshank Redemption. Sunny reveals that she has parted ways with Faarooq, but if the Gunns regain the tag team titles at the PPV, she might consider taking them back. As for her future plans? She doesn’t know, but she might turn up somewhere whenever you least expect it. In other words, they had no idea where to go with her next. What a waste of a segment this was.

Meanwhile, more hard-hitting journalism as we learn about Jeff Jarrett being a no good LIP SYNC artist, as we learn that the Roadie was the real singer all along. Newsflash: No one cared.

Wildman Marc Mero v. Leif Cassidy

Jim Ross goes on his next idiotic tangent about how he’s not an “outsider” in a fake wrestling organization trying to “take over” another organization, LIKE THOSE OTHER GUYS OVER THERE. And he’s clearly trying to get “The Insiders” over for Fake Diesel and Fake Razor but no one was biting on that one. They trade takedown attempts and Mero sends Leif to the floor with a headscissors, but Leif SWEEPS THE LEG and Mero bumps on the apron, THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING, and allows Leif to take over. Meanwhile we get an inset promo from Faarooq, who has a title shot at Mero coming up at the PPV. Spoiler: The match didn’t happen. Back in the ring, Leif gets a clothesline and goes to a chinlock while JR goes one yet another ridiculous inside baseball deal talking about how his good friend JJ Dillon made him VP of Wrestling Administration before he left the company. Cassidy with a superkick and we take a break and return with Leif still in control. So now we play WHAT’S IN THE NEWS to show how live the commentary is as they’re just hitting every obnoxious beat that I hate here. Cassidy misses a moonsault and Mero makes the comeback with another headscissors. Samoan drop and the Shooting Star Press finish at 5:45. Match was decent as Cassidy gets jobbed to oblivion but holy god the commentary was some of the worst you’ll ever hear in your life.

Meanwhile, on RAW, flabby Fake Razor loses his debut match to Savio Vega via DQ when the other guy interferes.

Meanwhile, on Livewire, some writer named Vic Venom rants about how Dok Hendrix is just a goofy repackage of Michael Hayes, and they discuss JR getting fired “for giving away trade secrets”. This show is unwatchable.

Big Daddy Dentist v. Aldo Montoya

JR: “How could I be fired for trade secrets when I didn’t even work there at the time? And what is this, NASA?” NO ONE GIVES A FUCKING SHIT ABOUT ALL THIS BACKSTAGE NONSENSE. “Diesel” beats on Aldo in the corner and hits him with a sideslam, but Aldo comes back with clotheslines while JR mocks the notion of “wrestling plumbers and wrestling clowns” and talks about how people want competition while we’re watching THE WRESTLING DENTIST pretending to be another guy, facing a dude with a jockstrap on his face. Jackknife finishes at 2:34.

With no exaggeration, Jim Ross on commentary here might have been one of the worst hours of pro wrestling I’ve ever sat through in my entire life. After 40 minutes of it the show was literally unwatchable unless you muted the commentary and closed your eyes during the lousy matches. I’ll be unspeakably glad when they finish this desperate flailing for relevance in the face of WCW kicking their ass and the show just becomes boring squashes again like the good lord intended.