The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 10.04.86

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 10.04.86

Originally written 04.11.26

Taped from Baltimore, MD on 09.16.86

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jesse Ventura & Bruno Sammartino

Koko B. Ware v. Randy Barber

Holy shit, they’re even getting the Crockett jobbers to jump ship at this point. Jesse reveals that Koko is actually Buckwheat’s grandson, which is where the “B” comes from. Koko with hiptosses and a flying headscissors in the corner, but Barber tries a monkey flip so Koko appears to teabag him to block. Maybe he was just farting on him? Either way, sucks to be Randy. Koko continues with a snapmare for two and they do a criss-cross into a powerslam from Koko for two. Koko with a neckbreaker and the debut of the Ghostbuster to finish at 2:15. Not sure why they debuted him in a loss to the Hart Foundation instead of just waiting for this, but this did a much better job of establishing the character.

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

Still at the old desk. The subject this week is Hillbilly Jim, and we take a look at Jim playing guitar on TNT with Vince and Alfred.

Sika v. Mario Mancini

Sika immediately takes Mario down and rips at his face before tossing him to the floor while Jesse puts over the idea of Kamala and Sika as a tag team. Back in the ring, Sika puts Mario down with a clothesline and finishes with the samoan drop at 1:05. Funny how Vince basically pretends that the Wild Samoans didn’t exist and Sika is somehow a newcomer, despite them being a big part of the company just two years before this.

The Honky Tonk Man v. Ron Shaw

Honky is slapping hands and kissing babies on the way to the ring and Vince is very enthusiastic about him. Honky’s dorky suspenders were instant death for him and he immediately looked like a complete dork. Honky works a headlock and then takes Shaw down with a wristlock, but Shaw pokes him in the eyes and draws a babyface pop. Vince isn’t stupid and he had to see what a disaster this was, especially given how badly the act was getting over on the house show circuit. Shaw gets a cheapshot and pounds on Honky, drawing cheers from the crowd, but he misses a blind charge and Honky goes up with a Jerry Lawler fistdrop to finish at 2:52, barely even making contact. The crowd boos the win. This was hilariously terrible on so many levels and they didn’t even show the replay of the finisher because it was so obvious how badly it missed.

Paul Orndorff v. Dan Haskins

Vince mansplains the Orndorff music gimmick, noting that fans are confused because it’s Hogan music and then Wonderful comes out instead. For me that would be a feature, not a bug. Orndorff poses for the crowd and all the bitter heel fans in Balitmore given him a standing ovation, which they actually show! Paul beats on Haskins on the ropes, as Vince is already bitching about the refereeing of Danny Davis. Vince has also renamed the jobber to “Don Hastings” so I don’t know what’s going on anymore. Paul tosses the geek and then hits him with a butt drop from the top on the way back in, before helping him up and finishing him off with the clothesline and Hulkbreaker Piledriver at 3:25.

Meanwhile, Roddy Piper limps around the remains of the Piper’s Pit set on his crutch, wielding a baseball bat, because THOSE SONS OF BITCHES CAN’T KEEP HIM DOWN. And it’s goodbye Flower Shop, as he takes out all his anger and smashes it with the bat, destroying the set for good despite barely being able to stand on his own. THE WAR HAS JUST BEGUN! This was incredible and the moment that solidified me as a wrestling fan forever.

Randy Savage v. Dan McGuire

Bruno grudgingly gives Savage credit for defending his title successfully after “stealing” it from Tito Santana. How big of him. Macho quickly bails and tells Liz where to stand outside as we get an inset from Superstar Billy Graham, threatening Savage with a title challenge. Well considering he was back on the shelf for another year after this taping, I’m sure Randy was quaking in his boots. Savage tosses McGuire and drops the axehandle on him, and back in the ring for a powerslam into the flying elbow at 1:45. Vince continues complaining about the treatment of Liz. Yeah, Vince McMahon, real champion of women’s rights. That’s rich.

Meanwhile, Jesse Ventura interviews Hulk Hogan, and he points out that many people are saying Paul Orndorff is the REAL Real American.

The Killer Bees v. The Moondogs

No entrances for this one. Blair hits Rex with a clothesline out of the corner and adds a slam. Over to Spot, and the Bees double-team him in the corner. Brunzell with a dropkick on Rex, but the Dogs quickly trap him in the corner for about 10 seconds, but Blair gets a hot tag and runs wild 2:00 into this thing. And then the Moondogs have some miscommunication and we get a messy finish with Brunzell dropkicking Rex while Blair hits Spot with the butt for the pin at 2:53. And then the Moondogs break up! Holy cow, there was actually a reason why Rex went off in his new direction. Hope it works out for him. Also, why did these two teams never merge together Voltron style to form ROBOTIC RICHARD SIMMONS? Have your parents explain it to you, Gen Alpha readers.

NEXT WEEK: Orton & Muraco! JYD & George Steele! Jake Roberts! The Bulldogs v. The Dream Team!

Roddy Piper was legendary and Honky Tonk was legendary in a totally opposite way, the rest was just there.