The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 09.29.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 09.29.96

Oh crap, WWE Network is screwing with my VPN again now. I’m having to go into Account and back to the main screen again tonight to get into it, and I had to switch countries a couple of times too. This is probably a bad sign moving forward. But for now, it’s working again.

Speaking of bad signs, we start out with a quick recap of JR having his hissy fit on RAW.

Taped from State College, PA, on 09.24.96, drawing 3100.

Your hosts are Jim Ross & Mr. Perfect, and we run down the results of Mind Games, which I’ve already reviewed a bunch of times, especially the main event, and don’t need to do again.

So this is the real debut of the USA Network version of the show, as the “debut” last time was leftover taped matches and some cut-ins before the PPV.

Marty Jannetty v. Sid

So we kick off what is undisputedly the biggest run of Sid’s career here. Marty tries to use his speed, but Sid catches him on a bodypress attempt and slams him to set up a legdrop, while JR bitches about Jerry McDevitt and Todd Pettengil. What kind of a monster would attack Todd? He’s delightful! Sid carries Marty around the ring for a bit, the only time Sid ever carried anyone, and then tosses him around before going to a half-assed chinlock. Marty tries to throw punches in the corner and Sid hits him with an atomic drop, and then blocks a sunset flip and chokeslams Marty. And that’s about it, as he finishes with the powerbomb at 3:33. Leif also tries to get some and gets smashed as well. I THINK that was about it for the New Rockers, actually.

Meanwhile on RAW, Jim Ross gets to spearhead one of the all time stupidest segments in the history of wrestling, not even WWF, but all of wrestling, period, going on a rant against Vince McMahon and introducing “Razor” and “Diesel” as his backup. Interesting that Perfect does a voiceover here, clarifying that JR never promised “Scott Hall”, only Razor Ramon, so TECHNICALLY he didn’t lie about it. And then we get a BONUS promo from “Razor”, who does one of the worst impressions of Scott Hall ever committed to videotape, as Bogner can barely pull off the fake Cuban accent, let alone copy Hall’s mannerisms properly.

The Sultan v. Mike Khoury

Oh hey, speaking of terrible repackages, it’s the Sultan, finally here after weeks of teasing to stink up the midcard. Bob Backlund joins us on commentary while Sultan does his shitty suplexes on Khoury, and Bob claims that Iron Sheik has never done drugs OF ANY KIND and Perfect makes smart-ass remarks snarking on Bob and his vocabulary while Backlund presses on with no awareness. Camel clutch finishes at 3:00 of boredom.

Meanwhile, Undertaker is carrying the SCAR OF BETRAYAL from Paul Bearer, for all eternity, so now he’s gonna bury Mankind alive. Well that escalated quickly.

TL Hopper v. Aldo Montoya

Aldo takes the plumber down with headlocks as Brian Pillman joins us on commentary and accuses Bret Hart of being a liar who promised to show up at the PPV and then reneged. Perfect: “So when are YOU gonna be back in the ring?” That gets Pillman all offended at having his words thrown back at him, while Hopper gets a rollup for two, but misses an elbowdrop. Aldo makes the comeback while JR goes with Bret’s side of the story and calls Pillman a LIAR. Hopper misses a headbutt and Aldo goes up with a crossbody to finish at 4:00. Well I guess SOMEONE had to win this one, although I would have bet on both losing somehow if you put a gun to my head.

Meanwhile, speaking of terrible stupid ideas, Vince McMahon EXPOSES the fake singing of Jeff Jarrett and reveals that the Roadie was the guy singing all along, after JJ was long gone to WCW. I mean…OK…but it would have been more effective if Jeff Jarrett hadn’t left the company months before. Also they were hardly ones to talk about people being fake given what the main angle of the week was.

Meanwhile, Shawn Michaels chats with JR about the upcoming tag match against Vader & Jim Cornette on RAW the next night.

Meanwhile, on RAW, Marc Mero wins the IC title tournament over Faarooq. And then we get a promo from Faarooq in the ring here, as he chats with Kevin Kelly and breaks up with Sunny before doing a much needed repackaging soon afterwards.

The Smoking Gunns v. The Spiders

So with Sunny having fired the Gunns at the PPV, we get an inset promo where Billy is still in love with her and Bart wants to move on, which ended up breaking up the team for good. Bart blocks a sunset flip from Spider #1 and drops a knee on him, and Billy comes in while JR switches back to the heel role and rants about Vince McMahon and his “padded shoulder suits” and “building the WWF all by himself with no help”. Sidewinder finishes at 2:45. Although the tag team titles weren’t in the cards for the Gunns any longer, the Spiders actually DID end up winning them a year later.

Shawn Michaels v. Justin Hawk Bradshaw

Shawn flies around to evade Bradshaw, but takes a clothesline and JB takes over. Knees in the corner and Bradshaw slugs away to beat him down and adds a slam and elbowdrop for two. Bradshaw with a suplex and we take a break. Back with Shawn trying to sunset flip, but Bradshaw blocks and slams him out of a double choke while JR buries the Billionaire Ted skits and calls Vince jealous of Ted Turner. Zeb grabs Shawn, but Bradshaw collides with him and Shawn gets two. Bradshaw with the big boot, but Shawn ducks it and makes the comeback with the kip up and flying elbow and then finishes with the superkick at 5:53. Just the standard Shawn “take a shit-kicking and do the big comeback” match and it was fine. **1/2

And we finish with Mankind in the graveyard with Paul Bearer, and he’s just fine with Taker trying to end his life because GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

Much better than the first USA show, as they’ve eliminated the goofy Slam Jam segments with the move out of syndication, giving us a show that actually flows a lot better. For now. I’m sure Vince will tire of it quickly enough.