The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 09.10.94

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 09.10.94

Taped from Portland, ME, on 08.17.94

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler

Shawn Michaels & Diesel v. Tom O’Sullivan & Nick Barberri

Vince questions why the tag team champions don’t have their belts, but of course the answer is that this show was taped a week before they won them. Shawn beats on O’Sullivan in the corner, until the guy does an Irish goodbye and lets Barberri take the beating. Diesel chokes him out on the ropes and Shawn comes in with a suplex and dropkick while Vince keeps calling the guy “Barbarian” it sounds like. Diesel with the back elbow and Emerald City slam, and Shawn hits a top rope elbow before using the dead body of the jobber to tease his partner with a tag before pulling him back again. Nothing worse than a tag teaser. Diesel comes in and goes TOOT TOOT and then finishes with a Poochiebomb into a flying splash from Shawn at 5:00. Shawn and Diesel were tremendous tag team champions but were completely wasted in a dead tag team division. Also Shawn worked the match with his face covered in lipstick stains to show that he was getting action before the match, which is exactly the kind of thing he’d do.

Meanwhile, at Summerslam, Bret Hart retains the WWF title over his brother, but he gets beat up by the Anvil until British Bulldog returns and makes the save, setting up some pretty good tag team matches around the horn.

Jim Neidhart v. Mark Maliccio

The jobber sounds like a curse in the Harry Potter books. Before the guy can even cast MALICCIO, Anvil beats on him in the corner and puts him in the cobra clutch for a bit, before clotheslining him down and tossing him. Owen gives him some shots while demanding respect as a King and tosses him back in for a lariat from Anvil and he picks the guy up at two. And Anvil finishes with the dreaded camel clutch at 2:30, which was a weird choice for a finisher. But to be fair he never won matches anyway so he probably wasn’t familiar with the concept of a move that ended things in his favor.

Jerry Lawler brings Vince over to the entrance while Doink makes his entrance, and then POPS DINK’S BALLOONS! Dink is so traumatized by this that they have to take a commercial break. Me too.

Doink the Clown v. The Black Phantom

Doink gets some slams on the Phantom, but the Phantom (who appears to be “Agony” of the Executioners) gets some shots in the corner. I believe that he would be Barry Hardy, then. And although he was introduced as the Black Phantom, Vince calls him “The Executioner”, perhaps because he has that written on his gear. Doink finishes with a german suplex in 2:40.

Meanwhile, some literal brain surgeons are doing surgery, but have to abandon the procedure and let the guy on the table die because it’s time for Monday Night RAW and that’s more important. Well that took a dark turn.

The Heavenly Bodies join Ray Rougeau in the ring to discuss their issues with the Smoking Gunns. The main joke is that they can’t tell the difference between Billy and Bart and the Gunns are dumb rednecks, and then they stomp on the cowboy hat again.

Bam Bam Bigelow v. Tony Roy

Bam Bam beats on Tony and runs him into the stairs outside, and apparently there’s no match because Dibiase just does a promo, issuing an open challenge to anyone with the guts to face Bam Bam. So this brings out ADAM BOMB as fans the world over sprint to their sock drawer to find their birthday money and get tickets to see this match at an arena near them. So Mr. Bomb hits a clothesline and Bam Bam runs away while all the referees keep them apart because they’re like “No! In the ring on this wrestling show is neither the time nor place to settle things!” Whew, dodged a bullet there.

Meanwhile, we get some creepy dancing 3D t-shirts as the early days of CGI technology definitively prove that just because you CAN do something, doesn’t mean you SHOULD.

The Headshrinkers v. Mike Bell & Tony Devito

The Headshrinkers were still tag team champions when this was filmed, so we don’t get their entrance. Bell beats on Fatu and dropkicks him right away, but he hits a DDT and Fatu no-sells it and pops up with a superkick. Meanwhile Abe “Knuckleball” Schwartz is still on strike. Lawler: “He’s a great hitter!” Vince: “I thought he was a catcher?” OK then. Devito comes in and Samu runs him into the corner, and it’s back to Bell again, as the Shrinkers finish him with the flying splash at 3:50.

Meanwhile, Lex Luger points out that he was telling the truth all along and Tatanka was the liar!

Yokozuna v. Steve King

I was figuring that the announcers would be all over a jobber named STEVE KING and making jokes about how “he doesn’t have IT” or how Yokozuna will kill him and bury him in a pet cemetery or whatever. But no, NOTHING. Yoko tosses the guy over the top rope for an impressive bump and then slams him back in the ring and steps on his throat before hitting the belly to belly and butt splash at 2:08.

NEXT WEEK: Well Dunn v. The Bushwhackers! Undertaker! Mr. Bob Backlund! Tatanka on the Heartbreak Hotel!

Really looking forward to that Well Dunn match next week, I guess.