The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 09.07.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 09.07.96

And now, the final episode of Superstars in syndication, ending the show’s 10 year run before moving to USA.

Taped from Columbus, OH, on 08.20.96. I kind of appreciate how they’ve now mixed Brian Pillman and his mental issues into the wacky country rock song introduction. Good times.

Your hosts are Kevin Kelly & Mr. Perfect

Meanwhile, we get our first RAW recap of the show, with the painfully mediocre Shawn Michaels v. Goldust title match, as Shawn wins with a moonsault press and then gets into a brawl with Mankind to set up their match at Mind Games. There are reports on Twitter stolen from the Torch and misattributed to HotWrestlingNewz.com that there might be involvement from a rival company on that show!

Mankind v. Brian Scott

Mankind hits Scott with knees in the corner and then hits him with the pulling piledriver before finishing with the Mandible Claw at 1:10. Afterwards, Paul Bearer makes sure to cement his heel turn by talking about how sick all the fans make him, and how he’s sick of playing second fiddle to Undertaker.

SLAM JAM! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

Undertaker faces Goldust in a Final Curtain match, where there must be a winner. Too bad they couldn’t book a stip where the match had to break two stars.

GREATEST INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE MOMENTS: Texas Tornado squashes Mr. Perfect at Summerslam 90 and Perfect is pretty salty about whoever keeps digging up footage of him losing.

Meanwhile, on RAW, Mr. Perfect steals another valet from Hunter Hearst Helmsley, because he’s trying to motivate Hunter to be more focused, and Sid advances by countout. Plus Marc Mero advances via DQ over Steve Austin for another crap finish in a crap tournament.

Meanwhile, Ahmed Johnson’s doctor shows us a fake kidney to illustrate how Ahmed’s kidney is healing nicely, I guess? Ahmed: “I’ll come back when I’m ready to come back regardless of what the doctor says.” Kevin Kelly: “Well that’s great news from Ahmed Johnson!” What a dork this guy is.

Faarooq v. Barry Horowitz

The arena is literally emptying out on camera and the lights are blacked out, so they must be at very bitter end of a lengthy taping. Faarooq survives a quick onslaught from Horowitz and puts him down with a powerslam for two, but keeps picking him up. Dominator finishes at 2:00. Man that gear was NOT flattering on Faarooq and the music was terrible. Long tights and the gimmick redo was the best thing that ever happened to him in this run.

Meanwhile, back on RAW again, Jerry Lawler interviews new signee Mark Henry and challenges him to a match. Mark promises to deliver a BUTT WHOOPING. The Attitude Era truly began here.

Meanwhile, THE STALKER hides in a tree rather than do a promo.

Freddie Joe Floyd v. Stone Cold Steve Austin

Brian Pillman joins us on commentary and promises to bring Bret Hart to the PPV for an interview, although he might be stretching the truth. Pillman also claims that he grew up with the Hart Family and Stu was a surrogate father to him and trained him in the Dungeon, which idiot announcer Kevin Kelly takes at face value because he’s stupid. Austin works a headlock to start and this arena is getting embarrassingly empty. Austin chokes him out on the ropes while PIllman calls Perfect “Mr. Hennig”. HE’S SHOOTING! HE’S THE LOOSE CANNON! I bet he read that on the internet. Stone Cold Stunner finishes at 2:14 as whatever vestiges of Freddie’s push are left die.

Meanwhile, Bret Hart lets us know that You Start the Fire. Wait, does that mean BRET is the one who started the fires in LA? Huge if true. Actually I heard it was Billy Joel but he keeps denying it and claiming that it was already on fire long before he got there.

For those keeping track we’ve had a little over 7 minutes of wrestling on this hour long show thus far and I think we’re actually done with the advertised matches and there’s still like 20 minutes left.

Jim Cornette joins us to make jokes about how old Jose Lothario is. He’s really old, you see. How old is he? When he was in school, it was before History was invented. His Social Security number is 1. He’s really old.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley v. Savio Vega

Oh man how could I forget about this top tier main event in any country? I’m a little sad that the wrestling might infringe on all the quality RAW recaps and talking we’ve had so far, though. Hunter tells his woman of the week to stay away from Mr. Perfect, and he gets rolled up by Savio for two as a result. Savio chops him in the corner, but Hunter gets a neckbreaker to put him down and puts the boots to him. High knee gets two. Kneedrop gets two. We take a break and return with Hunter holding a chinlock, but Savio comes back with a catapult into the corner as Perfect goes to have his way with Hunter’s arm candy. Hunter is quite distressed by this situation, which is unusual because typically, Hunter is unaware of such matters and has never reviewed the complaint. And Savio gets a rollup for the pin at 5:00. Well this was certainly a match. *

And that’s it for WWF Superstars in syndication! We return in two weeks with the debut on the USA Network, which I’m assured is slightly better, although given these last couple of months of the show, isn’t saying much at all. Apparently there was a “10 years of Superstars” recap special that aired the week after, but the show was so worthless that it’s not even on the WWE Network.