The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 09.06.86

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 09.06.86 (Debut Episode)

Originally written 03.16.26

Taped from Providence, RI on 08.26.86, drawing a little over 12000! We wouldn’t know because they still won’t turn up the damn lights yet.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Bruno Sammartino, and the returning Jesse Ventura! We immediately get a wide shot of the huge sold out arena to establish what we’re dealing with now. And of course we have a whole new opening sequence, plus graphics of the upcoming matches.

Ricky Steamboat & Sivi Afi v. Terry Gibbs & Roger Kirby

The faces clear the ring to start and double-team Kirby in the corner, with Afi hitting chops off the top. Gibbs comes in and puts him down with a back elbow to take over and the heels work Afi over in their corner. Afi escapes Kirby and it’s HOT TAG Steamboat as they’re working a real match here, and he’s a house of fire! Steamboat with a back suplex into a flying splash from Afi and that finishes at 3:00 as the crowd goes WILD.

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

Gene is actually still in the old Update set here. I guess that was the last thing to be…updated. So we get a montage of Superstar Billy Graham in the gym and then the desert, with a spider crawling on his face. To be fair he was on so many drugs that he probably thought it was his agent.

The Hart Foundation v. Koko B. Ware & Paul Roma

So this is the debut of Koko, and he gets a full entrance with Maurice Day song and everything. Koko evades Neidhart to start and takes him down with armdrags, but Roma comes in and immediately gets clobbered. Man they need to turn up the lights on this arena. Eventually they would but they need to show off the setup. The Harts double-team Roma with a double-team elbowdrop and then Bret drops the middle rope elbow while we get an inset from Koko putting himself over. Hart Attack finishes Roma at 1:57. Man the Harts were just FIRED UP here for the debut episode. However, Vince complains about the terrible officiating of Danny Davis, as they play the long game and plant seeds for later.

Meanwhile, we meet THE HONKY TONK MAN, who does a promo about Mr. Wonderful, presumably on behalf of his friend Hulk Hogan.

Hillbilly Jim & Cousin Luke v. Pete Doherty & Ron Shaw

Jesse advises opponents to go after Jim’s “bum leg”, and Vince puts over Jim’s “courageousness” as his big selling point. Duke runs into Luke’s boots in the corner, but the heels double-team Luke until he rolls away and brings in Jim. The Hillbillies double-team the Duke and Jim finishes with the bearhug at 1:42.

Kamala v. Tom Sharpe

Another big debut here, with King Curtis managing initially. I guess Vince was saving this big gun for the Superstars debut. Kamala chops him down and beats on him in the corner, and then puts him over his knee and pounds him with forearms while we get an inset promo from Curtis as he rambles about his usual crazy stuff. Sharpe tries to fight back, but Kamala chops him down again and chokes him out on the mat. Sharpe stomps on his foot, but Kamala wallops him down again and splashes him to finish at 2:03.

The Flower Shop with special guest Rowdy Roddy Piper! And Adrian has a newer, bigger set. Piper, meanwhile, is packing a weapon, and notes that Adrian is looking good, like 34B. But don’t worry, he won’t tell Adrian that he looks like he needs a home pregnancy test. Instead, he comes bearing ratings reports, which claims “20 million people” watch the show, but The Flower Shop causes the entire audience to run to the bathroom. So the WWF has temporarily canceled the show, and replaced it with Piper’s Pit starting next week. Adonis doesn’t take that very well.

The Rougeau Brothers v. Bob Bradley & Mike Fever

I’m assuming Mike only worked Saturdays. Bradley tries a monkey flip and Jacques stomps on his head, and the Rougeaus hit Fever with a double dropkick and double-team him in the corner. We get an inset with the French announce team, and the assisted somersault senton finishes at 2:00.

Meanwhile, we take another look at the Machines on the Flower Shop, as Bobby Heenan gets flummoxed by the appearance of a third Machine. “That’s not Andre the Giant!” Albano: “Right, that’s what we said!”

Big John Studd & King Kong Bundy v. SD Jones & Corporal Kirchner

Kirchner slugs away on Studd in the corner and goes for a slam, but Studd grabs the ropes to save himself and Bundy hits him from behind. Bundy comes in and puts Corporal down with a backbreaker for two. Kirchner fights back out of the corner and throws a “graceful” dropkick on Bundy and finally tags out to SD. Yeah tag out to the guy who lost THE FASTEST MATCH IN WRESTLEMANIA HISTORY to Bundy. And shockingly, 9 seconds later, Bundy pins him with the Avalanche at 2:27. What the fuck did he expect would happen?!?

NEXT WEEK: The Bulldogs! The Machines! Piper’s Pit! Randy Savage! The Moondogs v. The Islanders! Sika the Wild Samoan! Paul Orndorff v. Sivi Afi!

Hopefully next week they TURN UP THE DAMN LIGHTS. Aside from that, this is now exactly what I see in my head when I think about this point in my life.