The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 08.31.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 08.31.96

Man I gave the Netflix era of RAW an hour to win me over and they had one ** match and Rock out there reading off the quarterly earnings report, so I’m out. Instead I opted to watch the new episode of Young Dexter, which by the way is REALLY REALLY good so far and I hope to god they can actually stick the landing for once.

Taped from Columbus, OH on 08.20.96

Your hosts are Kevin Kelly & Mr. Perfect

The Man They Call Vader v. Kenny Hendrix

Pretty sure Kenny is no relation to Dok. Vader beats on him and hits a press slam. Belly to belly and Vader goes up with the big squish for two, as he picks Kenny up. Powerbomb finishes at 1:50. OH MY GOD, THEY KILLED KENNY! Haha I’m delightfully timely.

SLAM JAM! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

Poor Dok has to pretend to care about a jar of Super-Sized Stridex while doing his hard sell for Mind Games. Remember when the most egregious advertising we got on these shows was Dok shilling for Stridex pads? Those were the days. So we hear from Camp Cornette, as Jimbo notes that Sunny’s favorite pickup line is “Are you guys all from the same team?” These days it’s “The guard is having a nap and the library is open”.

The Godwinns v. Matt Duval & Bob Bolby

Those are quite the names on the jobbers. Mr. Bob Backlund joins us on commentary, providing the most tortured description of a mystery guy I’ve ever heard, as he’ll be introducing “the trainer of the man who will be taking the WWF title away from Shawn Michaels” on RAW coming up. The trainer was of course the Iron Sheik, and the man taking the title away from Shawn was the Sultan. But apparently both of those reveals were SO SECRET that they had to be saved for Championship Friday and couldn’t be leaked early. Also Backlund claims that he’s bringing someone back who everyone thought could never come back, even though that person was just in the WWF 5 years earlier and left on good terms, and also that scientists are raising the Titanic off the ocean floor, which is absolutely not a thing that was happening in 1996 or any other time. Maybe they’ll make a movie about it someday, though. Slop Drop finishes Duval at 1:52. Also comparing the Sultan to the Titanic is certainly a choice. That’s our Bob!

Brian Pillman interviews Stone Cold Steve Austin about his upcoming Intercontinental tournament match with Marc Mero, and sadly this isn’t their much more notable interview segment from later. So Austin uses his time to issue a challenge to Bret Hart, and Pillman is a bit unsure about the wisdom of that.

Meanwhile, Mr. Perfect provides footage of himself beating Tito Santana to win the IC title, in order to counteract the footage of Bret beating HIM last week.

Crush v. Frank Stiletto

Crush backdrops the geek and beats on him with punches on the mat while Kevin talks about his “distractionary tactics” with Clarence Mason. Crush with a press slam and he finishes with the heart punch at 2:10. I think Crush’s new look here is what Sunny is sporting these days.

Meanwhile, Ahmed Johnson visits a kidney specialist, who might be able to clear him to wrestle again by next year. Hey, doc, don’t do US any favors!

Sid v. Leon Downs

Please tell me this guy has a finish called the Downs Syndrome so I can die happy. And burning in hell, obviously, yeah. Sid puts him down with the big boot and we hear from Hunter Hearst Helmsley, who keeps talking about the gate receipts for some reason. Sid chokeslams Downs and finishes with the powerbomb at 1:45. “That’s the second powerbomb we’ve seen this hour!” notes Kevin Kelly, calling out the stellar job of agenting happening there in 1996. Obviously Kevin got much better, but not now, oh no.

Meanwhile, THE STALKER appears to be tracking bugs in the forest, as one does.

Justin Hawk Bradshaw v. Chris Harris

Poor Mr. Harris gets beat down with kicks and hit with a pumphandle slam. Chops on the ropes and he follows with a side suplex before tying him up with an abdominal stretch, and the Clothesline From Hell finishes at 2:45.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the back, Sid and Vader have a whole deal going on with each other and it’s a whole scene, babe. A real happening, Jackson. Anyway, to their credit, they actually make an angle out of the repeated powerbombs on the show, as Vader throws a tantrum over Sid stealing his move. Nice save on their part.

Salvatore Sincere v. Aldo Montoya

Another prime piece of 1996 here. Also gets a dropkick and slugs away in the corner, but puts his head down and gets caught. He goes up with an elbowdrop like Gino Hernandez, but Aldo comes back with a flying bodypress for two. Clothesline gets two. But then Sal catches him with Sincerely Yours for the pin at 2:10. This was fine as far as two minute matches go.

SLAM JAM! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

Dok wonders if Paul Bearer is the biggest disappointment of 1996. OH NO. No no no no no. Lord no. That’s still to come.

Goldust v. Zip of the Bodydonnas

Glad they clarified which Zip we’re dealing with here. There’s so many I have trouble keeping track. Zip slugs away to start, but Goldust puts him down with a hip attack for two. Zip’s hair is already growing back again so obviously the gimmick was drifting away quickly. He barely even looks like Skip now! Goldust stomps him down in the corner, but Zip gets a small package for two. Goldust with a lariat for two, but Zip slugs back in the corner and we take a break. Back with Goldust holding a chinlock while Marlena watches from ringside, looking about as bored as someone watching the RAW debut on Netflix. Goldust slugs on him in the corner, but Zip rolls him up for two, so Goldust just kicks him in the back and finishes with the Curtain Call at 4:00 aired.

And we wrap it up to end a show full of, at the very least, quick squashes instead of endless RAW recaps like last week, so that’s a major improvement and this was much easier to watch.

Next week: The finale of syndicated Superstars before it moves to the USA Network to die!